The Hardest Time: Closed RP and Owls (Sirius and Lily)

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

((Takes place a few days after this, particularly after Lily broke up with Sirius and Sirius talked to Harry afterwards. Note that this is very backdated to the week after Voldemort unpopped and cast a Dark Mark over the school, only to repop again.))

The days had flown by in a numb, alcoholic blur. It was just easier that way. Lily had left him. Kicked him out and told him never to talk to her again. There was nothing else to do but ply himself with Firewhisky until the room started spinning and he passed out. When he woke up, he started the cycle over again.

It was just easier that way.

His only saving grace was that Harry hadn't come to him and ordered him to leave Slythendor and never to speak to him again. It was a relief, but it didn't help cheer Sirius to any significant degree.

And the Firewhisky never really did pull Lily out of Sirius's mind. She was always there - all the memories of the times they had spent together, good and bad. Of the way her smile made his heart leap. Of how hard she had fought for their relationship, only to rip it to shreds in the end. The pain was just duller with the Firewhisky, but it was still there.

On the fourth night after the breakup, Sirius had started in on a new bottle of Firewhisky; several empty ones were already rolling around somewhere on the floor. And when enough of it had hit, his mind started going to places and tossing out new ideas, and all of a sudden it seemed like a good idea to pick up a parchment and quill and write Lily a letter. She had told him not to owl her, but what could she do, kill the owl?

That thought was almost funny. There would be feathers everywhere, and then there'd be plenty of quills to go around. Thusly cheered by drunken nonsense, Sirius began to write.

---

Lily,

I'm sorry. Please fforgve me. i didn't mean to hurt you. I need you. And my hi hyj hygiene needs you, too. Pleas ri writ back. I'll do anything you want

Love, <---- I love you. I will always lov you. Please take me back.
Sirius

Comments

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

There wasn't enough work in the world to get the thoughts of Sirius out of her head. So she didn't try. She didn't go to her office. She barely showed up in the Hospital Wing. There were no books, no piles of parchment, no overnight study sessions in the library. None of the things she usually did when she was upset.

Lily just stayed in her old room in Ravenclaw, curled up on her bed and staring off into space. Allowing all the memories of Sirius to wash over her in waves. She didn't fight it. Couldn't fight it. Couldn't fight anything. She just let the pain come.

Robin had found her that first morning when he'd come into the room, looking for one of his many trunks he was storing there. She hadn't told him anything. She'd barely said a word since Sirius had left their suite. Lily felt dead. Funny, for someone who'd come back from it, this was the first time she had actually felt that way. Robin tried to push, but he got nowhere. Finally, in the end, even the Puck conceded defeat, contenting himself with checking up on her occasionally and making sure she ate.

But Lily was alone when the owl came. Sitting in her window seat with a cup of hot tea nestled in numb fingers, she watched listlessly as it flew in. One look and she recognized the handwriting. The owl sat at her feet for nearly half an hour, poking at her toes, trying to get the crazy human to respond. Finally, though, it gave up, and Lily's eyes tracked it as it flew away.

She wasn't mad anymore. She wasn't anything.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius waited. He had time. And Firewhisky. And after about an hour and half a bottle, he stumbled into the Slytherin Common Room and co-opted another owl (he was quite lucky there was an owl there in the first place, as it would have been quite a trek to the Owlery, particularly in his inebriated state), as the first one hadn't come back. Bloody owl. People were trying to make up with other people, and the owls weren't helping. Traitors.

The owl perched on his arm, Sirius tripped and swayed his way back into his room and sat down once again to write Lily a letter.

---

Lily,

The owls dont care but I do. I woudn't need them if your here. I'm head over heals in lov with you and my heart is broken. Please forgive me so we can be happy again. I'm drunk and i miss you.

Love,
Sirius

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

She'd given up on staring out the window and was now in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The nightmares were worse now; to the point she dreaded sleep, but there was nothing else to do. Nothing else mattered.

Another owl came, and this time Lily instinctively reached out to take the note. Her eyes scanned it, not really processing it, and she just lay back on the bed tears sliding down her cheeks for what felt like the thousandth time.

After a while, though, her brain clicked back on. Fucking wanker. She told him to leave her alone. And now he was sending her drunken love notes?

The owl hadn't left yet, so Lily scrawled a note on the bottom of the parchment and sent it off.

---

Really? Drunk? Shall I come over there and take advantage of you, then? That's what friends do, right?

Fuck off.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

It took a little while for the owl to return, and in the meantime, Sirius pondered the possible recourses in case of an owl rebellion. And he continued to work on the Firewhisky.

Things were definitely blurry and not quite on pace with the normal flow of life by the time the owl returned. Sloppily, he gripped the parchment and removed it from the owl's leg.

"You're one of th'better ones," he slurred to the owl and then read the note.

Wait, it was his note. He wrote a note to himself? That...was not right. His name was not Lily.

Ohhhhh, wait. Different handwriting. Bottom of page. He read it aloud to himself to make sure he'd understand it in his drunken state.

Its content actually sobered him slightly, sending a chill across his flesh. But the good news was thst she was responding, and so he got a fresh piece of parchment, wrote her another note, and sent it to her with the same owl.

---

Lily

Yes I am drunk. But I am also sorry. I'm sorry Im sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'msorry.

Please talk to me again. I miss you. We can take it slow. Anything you want just please don't leave me.

I LOVE YOU,
Sirius

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

The owl found Lily sleeping. He poked her hand a few times before getting into an in-depth conversation with Mr. Quackers about the sad state of crusts in the castle. Damn house-elves were a menace to scavenging birds just looking for a bit of a late night snack.

They were startled, however, by Lily jerking awake, gasping for breath. For a moment she just sat upright in bed, shaking, staring wide-eyed out into the room. Then, as the nightmare faded, she sagged slightly, burying her face in her hands as her heart rate slowed back to normal.

Fuck.

The owl chose that moment to hoot impatiently at her, holding out its leg for her to take the letter. Ripping it off, glaring at the bird, she walked over to her desk and lit the candle so she could read it.

She felt like her stomach had just taken a broomstick ride and fallen off. Her fingers crumpled the page beneath them as she just concentrated on breathing, on not letting down the walls she'd shoved all the pain and anger about her breakup with Sirius behind crumble.

Finally she wrote him a note, sending it off with the owl before she pulled on a pair of jeans and her sneakers and heading out the door. She was going to go ride Agrippa and pray that the night air would clear her head, even a little.

---

I miss you

I can't just

I trusted you and all of that

You cannot

Please, stop. That is what I want. I want it to stop hurting. So please, stop, so I can try to forget you.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

When the owl returned - and bearing a note to boot - Sirius greeted it exuberantly. "I knew you'd come back! You're a good mate, and when they all - " he paused to hiccup " - when they all start raising hell in th'Owlery, you'll be helping us with information and making sure there's mail for ev'ryone." He attempted to clap the owl on the back, but it wasn't having any of that, and it fluttered to the top of his television and held out its leg for Sirius to remove the note. There was something mildly disdainful in its eyes as it regarded Sirius.

"Yes, eye to eye, that's th'spirit. That's how you'll fool 'em all, and I'll be behind you all th'way, because you were here when no one else was." That reminded Sirius, even in his completely sloshed state, of just why he had got himself to that state to begin with, and he suddenly grew morose and a little weepy. "No one else was here, only you, Owl. Al. Al th'Owl." He attempted to reach up and pat the owl's back again, but it flapped its wings really hard and stuck out its leg further, intent on delivering its message so it could get the hell on out of there, most likely.

"You were th'only one, 'cause she left me and now I have nothing, Al. And if you've got all th'information now, then c'n you tell me where she is and what she told you 'bout me? C'n you tell me if she still loves me?" Leaving the note attached to the owl's talon, he took several steps backward and sank down onto the bed. He sniffed loudly and continued in a hoarse, broken, and very inebriated voice, "I jus' wanna know, b'cause I still love her and I jus' wanna know if she loves me, too."

The owl must have had some small degree of sympathy for Sirius. Either that or it really wanted to finish its duty and leave. Whatever it was, it glided down from the television and settled next to Sirius on the bed, holding its leg out very prominently.

Sirius had already started crying - it was the light sobbing of a very drunk man who clearly had no handle on his emotions, thanks to said drunkenness - and so the owl had to nip him a couple of times on the leg with its beak before it finally got his attention.

He looked up to see the proferred note and finally removed it from the owl's leg. Luckily, it was short, so he didn't have too hard a time reading it, although he did have to squint to keep the letters from moving around on the page. Tricky little letters.

After crumpling it up and throwing it into a corner, he told the owl, "Al, I've got another mission f'r you, 'k, mate?" This was not at all good news for Al the Owl, and it gave Sirius a very pained look, which Sirius was far too wasted to grok. "Tha's a mate." Another hiccup. "I love you, Al."

Sirius managed to successfully, and very sloppily, pat the owl on the head, and then he got up and staggered over to his desk, where he wrote out another note. After fumbling around for quite a while, managed to tie it to Al's leg.

On the way over to Lily's room, it was highly likely that Al was now plotting an owl rebellion.

---

Lily,

ok I will do what yoou want, but 1st I want to know, do you still love me? do you still love me Lily? Are you in love w/ me the same way I'm in love with you. Becaus I am so in love with you Lily. and you are breakin my heart. and I'm realy sorry and I know what I did was wrong but I didnt know you woudnt rememember and I did tell you why I did it which is becaus I'm in love with you and I thoughht you loved me too and that's why I did it but then you did not rememember and just tell me----do you still love me?

DO YOU STIL LOVE ME? I still lov you.

Yours trully and I love you,
Sirius

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

She was out in the middle of the moors when two owls winged their way towards her. Lily very nearly touched her heels to Agrippa's side to encourage the mare to just take off, galloping away from what she was pretty sure was coming.

But she reined the horse in and waited, watching the owls circle closer. One landed on her shoulder and the other settled on the pommel of the saddle, hooting balefully at her. That one - Al, though she didn't know it - held out its leg. The second she took the note he flew away as if afraid she was going to ask him to take another note. Exchanging glances with the owl on her shoulder, Lily raised her eyebrows. "His shift must be over."

Unrolling the note, she read it quickly. Her jaw clenched tightly and she simply sat for a moment, Agrippa dancing side to side under her as the mare chomped on her bit impatiently. Crumpling the letter, she tossed it into some nearby bushes. "I won't need you," she told the owl with a frown. "There's no return message."

The owl hooted at her but didn't move. "Look, I'm about to take off, you bloody bird, so either go back to the castle or follow me around all night. I don't care which, but get off my shoulder." Nudging her shoulder up and down a few times, she dislodged the bird before leaning forward and urging Agrippa to go.

For an hour she rode, slowing down only for the sake of Agrippa, but never stopping. Finally, though, she pulled the horse to a halt beside a lake, letting the mare wander into the water up to her knees and lower her head to drink.

The owl had followed them, because it chose that moment to land once more on Lily's shoulder, staring at her with wide, amber eyes.

"Oh, for the love of Merlin!" Glaring at the owl for a moment, Lily sighed and reached into one of her saddlebags, grabbing out some parchment and a quill, "Fine. Bloody, fucking, interfering bird. Fine."

A quick note was dashed off in an angry hand and attached to the owl, who immediately took off back towards the castle. Watching it go, Lily stared impassively up at the night sky for a while before turning Agrippa around and heading out further into the wilderness.

---

This has nothing to do with whether or not I love you. I don't trust you.

Stop owling me whilst you're drunk. Stop owling me all together. Get yourself together and stop being so pathetic as to chase me down with drunken notes of love and affection. I don't forgive you, Sirius. I'm not going to forget. So stop.

It's over.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius sat up waiting for a response, but eventually he lost out to a combination of the alcohol concentration of his blood, depression, and sheer fatigue, passing out on his bed. He woke about three hours later, and only because of a sharp pain shooting down his forearm. He was still drunk, as evidenced by the way the room was spinning when he opened his eyes, but his mind was far less blurry. Which meant that he was now very cognisant of just how sandy dry his mouth and throat were and how his stomach was not feeling particularly fantastic.

For a good minute or so, he just lay there, trying to work out what had happened and where he was. The pain on his forearm was getting worse, and so he flailed the arm out, only to hit something warm and feathery, which immediately smacked him several times, sending heavy gusts of air at him. With a groan, he pushed himself into a sitting position and managed to spy an owl (not Al, but a different one - ah, Al!) gazing sternly at him before he dropped right back down, flat on his back. The room was moving way too fast, and he felt like he just might throw up if he sat up for much longer.

Slowly, he pulled his arm towards his head and held it just above his eyes. There was a series of peck marks running from his elbow to his wrist, and a couple of them were bleeding slightly.

"Bloody owl," he grumbled in a very hoarse voice. And that's when he remembered that this was an owl he had been waiting for. "Right. Fine. Give it to me." Blindly, he thrust a palm out in the general direction of the owl, which hopped over and thrust out its leg. Its talon was sharp and dry on the skin of his palm. Very messily, he scrambled his fingers at the note, ultimately (and after the owl clawed him a couple of times in irritation) managing to work it off the owl's leg.

Then, just as he had examined his arm, he held the parchment up in front of his eyes and squinted at the words.

She didn't trust him. She didn't forgive him. She wouldn't forget.

But she didn't say whether she still loved him.

After a few minutes during which he caught his breath and willed (unsuccessfully) the room to stop spinning, he pushed himself up and stumbled over to his desk. Now his stomach was feeling like a whole gaggle of Bowtruckles was running a marathon through it, and he struggled not to throw up, ultimately settling for spitting several times onto the floor. Whatever. At this point, he didn't care.

In a very sloppy hand, he wrote out another message to Lily. This one was very simple, and when he was done, he attached it to the owl's leg and then flopped back down on the bed. The room was still spinning. He felt like shit. The next owl could peck him awake, too. That was fine. If there even was a next owl.

---

Lily

DO YOU STILL LOVE ME

Sirius

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Agrippa was already groomed, but Lily couldn't seem to force herself to walk into the castle. So she was sitting on a bale of hay in the barns, tossing a rubber ball she'd transfigured out of a bit of grass onto the wall, letting her mind go mercifully blank.

The owl interrupted that. Sighing heavily, she took the note and looked at it. For a little while, she just stared at those five words, eyes narrowed.

A short time later, the owl winged its way back.

---

Ye

Doesn't matter.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Several more days passed, and it was basically more of the same. Sirius stayed in his room, refusing to talk to anyone. Harry had even knocked on the door several times to make sure he was all right, but each time Sirius had told him that he wanted to be left alone and should be bothered only if Harry needed something for himself or if there was an emergency of some sort.

The number of Firewhisky bottles on the floor had doubled. It was just easier that way. Sirius didn't have any Dreamless Sleep Potion on him. He didn't want to owl anyone to ask for it, because he'd likely have to explain why he needed it, and he didn't have the energy to come up with a good lie. Lily, of course, had access via her job at the Hospital Wing, but there was no way he was going down that route. So Firewhisky it was. Enough of it would help him sleep, eventually, and that was a good thing.

But in his heart, Sirius knew he couldn't live like this for the rest of his life. Nor did he want to. This was miserable. But he also couldn't just get up and move on and forget about Lily. The value Sirius put on the people close to him was immense. It was what drove him. And the fact that this was Lily made it that much worse. It wasn't something he could move past.

And right then, he still missed her terribly. He missed waking up next to her. He missed her calling him 'Black' and 'sweetheart'. He missed the light that went on in her eyes when she started droning on about some academic topic or another. And he missed the way she felt in his arms. The way she always said things that made him laugh.

On the fifth day after that horrible night he spent in his drunken chase, he decided he would give it another try. He had to. But this time, he would approach it carefully. And soberly.

He spent that day in bed, getting over his hangover from the night before, and when it had gone away, about mid-afternoon, he got up and took a shower. And shaved. And then allowed the house-elf who brought him a snack to clean up all the empty bottles and moldy crusts and crusty plates. (The house-elf, needless to say, was absolutely delighted.)

And when all was fixed up, he felt better. Physically better. Nervous as hell, but better overall. And hopefully that would give him the clarity of mind he needed to finally make some progress.

He picked up quill and parchment and wrote off a note that he sent with a school owl (not Al, who probably had vowed to avoid Sirius's room forever).

---

Lily,

Can we talk? I'm sober. And clean.

-Sirius

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

How days could feel like years, Lily didn't know. But since she'd walked away from Sirius in the hallway that night, every second had seemed to drag. Now she threw herself into work, because it was all she could think of to do. But nothing mattered. Nothing caught her attention or got her excited. She was numb, and Lily couldn't seem to break out of that.

The truth was, she missed Sirius. More than she thought possible. Every second of every day, she missed him. Something would happen that she'd want to tell him, and it would be a crushing reminder again that he was gone.

She couldn't cut him out. She wanted to - had even seriously considered Obliviation a few times - but she couldn't. So all she could do was miss him and hope that, eventually, it would fade. That she wouldn't have to go the long way to the library, because she wanted to avoid the steps leading down to where their suite had been. That, one day, she could stand to think of him without her heart literally aching.

Lily was in the library when the owl came. And, much as she'd never admit it, her heart skipped a beat when she saw the handwriting. It'd been five days. She thought he'd have given up by now.

It was tempting to just let the note go unanswered. But she knew Sirius - he'd keep trying until he got some response. Better to cut him off now.

---

Got that time-turner?

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

She had replied. This was a very good thing, since Sirius was more than half expecting she wouldn't. It wasn't the most promising of replies, but it was a reply.

Sirius sat there in his room and thought long and hard about what to say to that. No, he didn't have a Time-Turner. Some things were beyond his control no matter what he did. But there were also a lot of good times that he wouldn't have wanted to lose even if he did have a Time-Turner.

And it was that thought that inspired his reply.

---

Lily,

No, I don't have a Time-Turner. But I also wouldn't want to lose the better moments. Like our first date (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1207749.html). Or when we rode my motorbike out to the shore (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1221379.html). Or the first time we made love (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1289591.html). I wish I could do something to change what happened on New Year's, but there isn't. It just breaks my heart that we stand to lose everything else, too.

Please, can we talk?

-Sirius

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Damn it. As she sat, curled up in the library, tears tracing down her face and the note held between limp fingers, Lily stared out into nothing and thought. The truth was, there really wasn't anything Sirius could do to change what had taken place. She wasn't an idiot. Lily knew, better than anyone, how one stupid decision could ruin the course of so many lives.

But what Sirius had done wasn't just a mistake. It shook the very core of her relationship with him. And she honestly didn't know how to go back. How to get that trust, that ease back.

---

What we have - what we had - was a lie. I thought I had fallen in love with my best friend. But I was vulnerable, Sirius, and you know how rarely I am. And you took advantage. How can you expect me to look at you the same way? How do you suggest we go back?

I don't know what to do. I'm lost, sweeth Sirius. I have no idea how to do anything but pray that it's all a nightmare.

I'm sorry. I wish I could just forget. But I can't. I keep picturing how it must have been. I keep trying to remember something, anything, from that night. But I can't. And that's terrifying. It makes me sick, to think I was so helpless. And the one person on this earth I would have trusted in that state...

I'm sorry. But no, Sirius, we can't talk.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

((W00t! A two-poster! Ah, it's been so long!))

That was far more than he had expected to get from her. When he saw the length of the note as he was untying it from the owl's leg, his heart skipped a beat. He was thirsty for anything she would say to him at this point. It was her silence that was killing him.

Although the things she said in her note were not far from that.

It was hard, because he knew he could be trusted. That he had made one mistake and had regretted it immediately after. But he had no idea how to prove that to her. How to change the way she felt deep inside after finding out that he had touched her body without her actual consent.

He just hadn't known at the time that that was what was happening. And maybe that was what he needed to make clear to her.

---

Lily,

I suppose I can't expect anything from you. There are many things I want, but I don't expect any of them. I can't change the way you see me. I can't change the fact that you know about this and that you may never forget it even though you can't remember it in the first place.

The only thing I can give you is the truth. And the truth is that I did not know at the time that you were unaware of what was going on. That you wouldn't remember it the next day. I knew you were drunk, yes, and I knew you were hurting, although I should tell you that maybe it didn't register as much as it could have, because I wasn't exactly devastated to find out you and Cox had broken up. I love you both dearly, but...love isn't always gentle and beautiful. I don't consider myself a jealous person, but I often found myself wishing you looked at me the way you looked at him.

That's not true either. I wished it all the time. And I never dared do anything about it. That was one of the many reasons I didn't tell you how I felt about you. But I did wish it all the time.

So I probably wasn't being as sensitive to you as I could have been, and yes, I know that was selfish. And I won't try to justify it. It's just what it is.

((Continued in the next post))

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

((Part 2))

I had never intended to do anything with you. It was you who started it. I am not laying the blame on you. Not at all. But that, too, is the truth. You kissed me. And I had wanted that for such a long time, Lily. I didn't know you were so drunk as to not be aware of what you were doing. That you were essentially blacked out and wouldn't remember it the next day. I knew you were hurting, but I didn't know you weren't aware.

So I kissed you back. I won't lie here, either. It felt amazing to have you in my arms, kissing me like that. And then one thing led to another, as they always do. I wasn't the only one doing things. You were doing as much as I did. Again, I don't tell you that to blame you, but just because the only thing I can give you is the truth.

Yes, we almost slept together. And yes, I stopped because of James. But we've been through that. I've tried very hard to get over his death so I could focus on our lives. Together. But at the time, I was devastated that I had fallen in love with my best friend's wife, who also happened to be dating another close friend of mine. There was a lot of guilt there, Lily, and that's why I stopped.

Not the right reason. I know that now. But that's where I was at the time, and I can't change it.

I got you dressed and I put you in bed, and then I sat down in your chair and told you everything. That I was in love with you. That I knew it was wrong and felt guilty and terrible about it. That I didn't expect anything from you and that I would give you as much distance as you needed. I apologised for the things we had done, but I wanted you to know that I wasn't just some bloke trying to have it off with you. That I was in love with you, and that's why I got tempted.

And when I finished telling you all of this, you said nothing. And I found out you were asleep.

Do you know how that made me feel, Lily? It made me feel horrible. Because I still had had a glimmer of hope that you fancied me, too. And after I confessed my heart out to you, it turns out you had passed out somewhere in the middle of it.

I slept in the chair that night, and when I awoke, I was scared, because I didn't know how much you remembered. If you remembered my confession, and if that made you feel uncomfortable. And then it turned out you remembered nothing. I had thought what we had done had meant something, and it turns out it hadn't. That was devastating. And that was why I couldn't face you. Why I didn't just stay in your room until you were bright and smiling again. Why I told you to owl me if you needed something rather than just sitting with you for the next several days.

I'm not telling you all this to turn the attention to myself or make you feel sorry for me. This isn't about me. But I think it's important for you to know these things so you can understand why I made the choices I did. I'm not justifying them. But I am explaining them.

And that is all I can give you, baby. So now you know the truth. It's not the same as a memory, but it's all I have.

I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me. I miss you so much.

-Sirius

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

The day passed. Slowly. But she read and reread the note until it was worn and there were ink smudges on her fingers. Until she could have recited it back, word for word. As painful as it was, as much as she hated both herself and Sirius by turns as he spelled out exactly what had taken place, Lily forced herself to face the truth.

But she'd had over a week to process things. And what Lily often needed was, in fact, time. So, after a long while, she folded the note carefully and tucked it into her pocket. Then, wiping away the last traces of tears - for a while, she couldn't read the note because they had made her vision blurry - she got up and went to find Sirius.

Her first stop was Slytherin; and, standing outside of Sirius' door, she almost turned around and walked away several times. She had no idea what she was going to say. Why she was even there. Lily still didn't know how to move forward. But one thing was very clear: She was still in love with him. And that wasn't going to go away.

And she couldn't continue to hold one mistake over his head. Lily didn't know how she was going to forgive him, only that she had to. And she didn't know if things could just go back. But she needed to see him, to talk to him. She needed to be able to look into his eyes. Maybe then she'd be able to find some direction.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Several hours passed, and there was no response from Lily. As he had said in his letter, he hoped for one, but he didn't expect it. Reality was beginning to set in. At the beginning of when this mess had started, he had assumed they'd make it through this. It wasn't as though they were strangers to fights. But now he was more numb and sad than anything else. And hopeful, yes. But mostly numb and sad.

So as the time passed, he stopped watching for a return owl. He thought about getting some more Firewhisky, but decided to try one night without it. After all, he could be surprised yet. There was that hope again.

Ultimately, he transfigured himself into his Animagus form and curled up on the bed in a tight circle. It was easier not to think that way. Things were just simpler. The sadness wouldn't go away, but the details grew blurry, and he was able simply to lie there, and eventually to fall asleep for a little.

The knock on his door ((that I am godmodding in with permission from Lily-mun)) startled him from his nap, and he awoke with a soft yelp. Almost immediately, he transfigured himself back and got up off the bed.

It was probably Harry, checking up on him again. Maybe he would open the door and talk to him. He didn't want to scare his godson, after all, and he was sure that his behaviour over the past week and a half was doing just that.

Or maybe it was Lily. He tried not to get his hopes up, but...maybe it was Lily.

His mouth went dry and his heart started pounding, echoing in his ears as he walked over to the door. Being clean, shaven, and dressed, he didn't bother asking who it was; he knew just who had access to the suite, and it was about time he talked to somebody.

He just really hoped it was Lily.

He opened the door, and his heart sent from pounding to racing. He actually felt a little bit sick; things had ended on such a bad note between them, and now he was scared of what might happen. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to say everything.

He wanted to take her into his arms and never let her go.

But instead he stood there for a moment, staring, his eyes solemnly caressing her face with their gaze.

Actually, she looked quite wrecked. Her eyes were red and swollen, and her hair was rather mussed. And there was something about the way she was standing, about the way she was holding herself, something sad, something defeated, maybe. Sirius wasn't sure, but the state of her appearance made his chest ache, and he now he desperately wanted to hold her, to tell her that it would be all right. That they would be all right.

But he didn't. Almost automatically, one of his hands extended halfway to her, reaching to touch her face, but before it made it very far at all, he let it drop back down to his side.

After a very long moment, he said in a low, hoarse, hesitant whisper, "Hi. Do...you want to come in?"

Merlin, he hoped the answer was yes.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

When he kissed her she closed her eyes, smiling in relief. "Yeah," she murmured hoarsely, chuckling a little against his lips. "The drunken owling was very clear."

Looking down at him, she then let herself grin. For the first time in what felt like weeks, the smile lit up her face and chased the shadows from her eyes, making her look more like herself and less like some gaunt replica. "I'm starving," she admitted. Stretching out her hand, she flailed around until she found the tray and pulled it towards her. Breaking a pumpkin pastry in half, she offered him a bite. "I can't remember the last time I ate."

Being with Sirius was good for her. She needed to stop letting her own stupidity get in the way of it.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius took the offered pasty and downed it in a couple of bites. He was still weary, and he closed his eyes again for a moment, contemplating whether he could even handle more talking at this point. Especially since it always seemed to lead to something worse.

But that was the whole point, wasn't it? That they weren't able to communicate, and they needed to. It was, and so he thought about the things she had already told him, and after a little bit, he said, "So why do you think you're having these nightmares?" He was careful to keep his tone casual, and it wasn't too hard to do that, anyway, because he really was curious about it.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Chewing on her pastry, Lily leaned back in the bed, snuggling close to him and letting herself relax. His question was expected - not that one in particular, but Lily assumed that something would come up - and she barely stiffened at all at it. She needed to try, to find some way to let him in. So, to that end, she was quiet for a little while, thinking. Her fingers played with the last bite of pastry before she chucked it in the corner for Mr. Quackers.

"I don't know," she said, not looking at him. Instead her eyes were trained off in the corner, her brow furrowed in concentration. "Never really thought about the whys before. I guess..." She let out a little laugh and shrugged. "Merlin, I don't know. Why not? Last few years weren't exactly filled with sunshine and puppies. Stands to reason they'd cause a few bad dreams, doesn't it?"

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Sure," Sirius said agreeably, "but not every night. And not the sort of dream that makes you wake up screaming and then not be able to get back to sleep." He curled an arm around her shoulder and closed his eyes again. "Hmmm, actually...why don't you sleep again afterwards? Is it that you can't - physically, I mean?"

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"Well," she said dryly, "if you just relived something horrific, would you want to go back to sleep afterward?"

Then, sighing, she leaned against his shoulder, finding his free hand and playing her fingers with his. "Most of the time, I just... I'm too worked up, too awake, to try and sleep again. Sometimes I'm afraid to. I...I don't want to see it again. Whichever one it is that night, I can't bear to go through it again." Lily looked almost ashamed at that. "I know they're just dreams, but... They feel real."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius breathed out the softest of breaths, and he opened his eyes, looking up towards the ceiling. "I relived horrific things every day for twelve years." This was a plain, simple statement. Matter-of-fact. "But I reckon that was different, because the Dementors were hardest on me when I was awake. Sleeping actually helped." If anything, he had been afraid to be awake, because every thought, every place his mind idly flicked to, could summon them again, cold and rotten, squeezing his insides and bringing the memories, all the things he wanted to forget, never to think about again.

He shifted against her a little bit, his hand sliding up to cup her neck. "Do you ever have good dreams?"

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Wincing, Lily sighed. "Yeah." Stupid. She knew that - she knew - and she'd still made an insensitive statement, like she could just forget. Her fingers tightened on his. "Sorry." Her lips curved down into a frown, and she was quiet for a long breath. Whether or not she hated herself at the moment for being an idiot, Sirius was there, trying to understand. The least she could do was keep talking. "When I'm awake, I can push it all aside. Fill my brain up with other things. When I'm asleep, though..." She looked up at him. "Can't control anything. So as long as I'm conscious, then I know I can stop myself from thinking about those things."

A soft smile flickered across her face and she nodded slowly. "Sometimes. Mostly about you. And Harry. And sometimes about the way things were, before. It's... It's easier when I'm with you. When you're lying there, holding me, it's easier to remember where I am. What's real and what's not. The dreams aren't so bad then, usually."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Nothing to be sorry about." Sirius's words were even and relaxed. He rubbed his thumb down hers. Azkaban was a part of what had happened to him. It was his experience, his life. There was no use denying it or forgetting about it. Something like that couldn't be forgotten, and so it had to be remembered on his own terms. As he saw it, it was far worse for people to tiptoe around it, pretending it had never happened.

Suddenly, Sirius frowned. Maybe that's what Lily's problem was; maybe she was avoiding the problem when she should be accepting it. He was no Muggle mind doctor, and he certainly was no expert in Divination (which was the biggest load of rubbish anyway), but he was seeing a bit of a parellel here. "Hey, I'm probably talking out of my arse here, but maybe your brain wants you to deal with these things when you're awake. Maybe it doesn't like that you do other things to make yourself stop thinking about the stuff you dream about. And maybe that's why you have the dreams."