The Hardest Time: Closed RP and Owls (Sirius and Lily)

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

((Takes place a few days after this, particularly after Lily broke up with Sirius and Sirius talked to Harry afterwards. Note that this is very backdated to the week after Voldemort unpopped and cast a Dark Mark over the school, only to repop again.))

The days had flown by in a numb, alcoholic blur. It was just easier that way. Lily had left him. Kicked him out and told him never to talk to her again. There was nothing else to do but ply himself with Firewhisky until the room started spinning and he passed out. When he woke up, he started the cycle over again.

It was just easier that way.

His only saving grace was that Harry hadn't come to him and ordered him to leave Slythendor and never to speak to him again. It was a relief, but it didn't help cheer Sirius to any significant degree.

And the Firewhisky never really did pull Lily out of Sirius's mind. She was always there - all the memories of the times they had spent together, good and bad. Of the way her smile made his heart leap. Of how hard she had fought for their relationship, only to rip it to shreds in the end. The pain was just duller with the Firewhisky, but it was still there.

On the fourth night after the breakup, Sirius had started in on a new bottle of Firewhisky; several empty ones were already rolling around somewhere on the floor. And when enough of it had hit, his mind started going to places and tossing out new ideas, and all of a sudden it seemed like a good idea to pick up a parchment and quill and write Lily a letter. She had told him not to owl her, but what could she do, kill the owl?

That thought was almost funny. There would be feathers everywhere, and then there'd be plenty of quills to go around. Thusly cheered by drunken nonsense, Sirius began to write.

---

Lily,

I'm sorry. Please fforgve me. i didn't mean to hurt you. I need you. And my hi hyj hygiene needs you, too. Pleas ri writ back. I'll do anything you want

Love, <---- I love you. I will always lov you. Please take me back.
Sirius

Comments

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Silently, Lily nodded. "I want that, too," she admitted, one corner of her mouth going up slightly.

So, there was the goal. How to get there? For a second she was quiet again, but then she pushed off of the wall and walked over to him. Hesitantly, she reached down to take his hand. Her fingers laced with his and she tipped her head up to meet his eyes.

"Well, before Bomba, I can't remember us shouting at each other in a hallway. At least," her smile was small, but genuine, "not since school. So let's go home. We'll get into bed and make a house-elf bring us some food. And we'll talk. I'll talk."

She looked sad and worn out, aged in some way, with wrinkles around her eyes and creases in her forehead from frowning. "I've missed you. I love you. And this all sucks arse, but we have to get through it. Somehow. Okay?"

Watching him, Lily felt her heart start to pound a sick knot of worry twist in her belly. It was completely possible he'd say no. That he had decided it wasn't worth it. And that terrified her. But, instead of taking control and walking away, she was standing there and letting him decide. And it was nerve-wrackingly horrible.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius allowed her to take his hand, and then he regarded her for a little bit. He knew her face. Ever since he was eleven years old, he had known it, so for nearly three decades. It had been of little consequence to him at first, and occasionally something of a nuisance, but then it had become the face of a friend, and now of something more than that, much more - a girlfriend, a lover, a partner. All of those things and more, things that didn't even have names. It was the face that knew him, that looked at him with those deep moss-green eyes and saw him, that told him all sorts of things without even a sound.

But how could something he knew so well also be so unfamiliar at the same time? There were pieces of her he didn't know, pieces maybe he would never know, pieces he couldn't understand, pieces he had thought he understood, pieces maybe he would never understand, and they were all there in her face, too. She was friend and stranger, joy and sorrow, comfort and pain, and Sirius couldn't comprehend how one person could be so much to him all at once.

He blinked and flicked his eyes down, away from her face, and then he swallowed and nodded. Whoever she was, the one thing he knew was that he loved her. Logic, in all its heady trappings, would fail to justify the irrationality of the binding combination of emotion and circumstance. Their lives had been twined together, and Sirius couldn't let go. Nor did he want to. He loved her, and that would have to be enough. And maybe it was plenty.

"Okay." And because she had already shattered the invisible barrier between the two of them, he released her hands so he could slide his arms around her, pulling her to him in a tired, but firm, embrace.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

As Sirius looked at her, saw her, the air seemed to catch somewhere in her throat. Grey eyes swept across her face, and, in an instant, she felt naked and exposed, completely vulnerable without anywhere to hide or protect herself.

So many people interacted with Lily every day. Even in a school as large as Hogwarts, it was the rare student who she didn't at least recognize by sight. Most everyone she encountered was met with a smile or a cuppa; any favour asked was given time and attention, no matter what was happening in her own life. But few people actually knew her. As much as she cared and watched and struggled to understand the people around her, Lily kept people around her at a distance. It wasn't anything to do with the war or her experiences since she'd come back. Lily had always been that way - slightly held apart, watching and observing but rarely allowing anyone close. She cared, intensely, and perhaps that caring forced her to build walls, to protect herself as best she could.

It had been a long time - since James, at least - since someone had looked at her and really seen her. Since the walls hadn't been enough, and someone had found a way to break through. It made her want to look away, to shutter herself off and keep all those dark corners unlit, out of Sirius' intense gaze. The entire feeling of being vulnerable and exposed was disturbing in its unfamiliarity. Lily wanted to hide again, to keep safe and curled in on herself.

But, instead, she let her eyes be held by his, raising her chin slightly and tightening her fingers around his own. And she let him see her. All the barriers down, she allowed herself to be bare and unguarded under his eyes. It was terrifying and heartwrenching and Lily didn't flinch from it. He saw her, he knew her, for what was quite possibly the first time, and she held nothing back. It only lasted a minute, but in that time Sirius saw to the heart of her.

And then he looked away and Lily let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. In the next moment his arms were around her and she allowed herself to melt into him, breathing in deeply his familiar scent that she'd missed so wretchedly. Remembering how his body felt against hers. Arms sliding around Sirius' waist she just closed her eyes and stood there quietly, being with him more fully than she'd ever let herself.

"Let's go home, Black."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius didn't remember closing his eyes, but at some point he had. Opening them once again, he loosened his embrace, albeit a bit reluctantly, because it was the first time she had embraced him in nearly two weeks. One hand was left to press lightly against her back as he silently guided her the rest of the way to their suite.

When they got there, he slid his shoes off just inside the door, his trousers off just inside the bedroom, and then went and sat on the edge of the bed, his head bent low as he ran a hand through his hair in exhaustion. After a second, though, he looked up and said to Lily, "Hey, if you're calling a house-elf to bring us some food, can you ask for Pumpkin Pasties?" Then he got under the covers and lay back against the pillow with his eyes closed. It wasn't so much that he was sleepy, but rather that he was mentally exhausted, and it helped, a little bit, to shut out the world for a moment.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Her jeans were kicked off and her shirt joined the pile with her shoes. Deviating just a bit to their dressers, she wordlessly pulled out one of his t-shirts and slipped it on. Nodding at his request, she summoned her house-elf, gave it a list of instructions, and crawled into bed.

It was as if she couldn't bear to not be near him, after two weeks of so much distance. She lay her head on his chest, her hand finding his and her legs tangling with Sirius' under the covers. She missed him. So much it hurt, still, to even imagine a space between them. Lily ached to hold him, to feel him next to her, and she closed her eyes and let her entire being focus on the sensation of his presence.

"I love you," she murmured after a minute. Then, after a beat, she added so quietly it was not much more than a whisper, "I'm sorry."

Those words seemed to trigger something in her and she suddenly found she was crying, the hot tears tracing down her face and getting lost on the skin of his neck. Lifting her face, she kissed him, one hand cupping his face, the salty taste of her tears mingling with the more familiar, sweet taste of Sirius. She'd almost lost him. For all her worrying about some outside force taking him from her, she had almost let herself lose him. "God, I'm so sorry," she breathed, voice ragged and agonized. Looking at him, eyelashes wet and vision blurry, she traced her fingers across Sirius' face; fingertips caressing his cheek, outlining his lips, gently moving up the bridge of his nose to brush across his forehead, as if trying to remember the outline of his face.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

There was a dry swishing as her body moved against the sheets, and then he felt her settle next to him. Loosely - for anything more than that required energy he simply didn't have - he brought his arm around her shoulders, and the hand that she had reached for closed gently around hers.

She had said she'd talk, but things were so muddled in his mind that he didn't know what there was to talk about in the first place. They needed to discuss everything and nothing, and right now his thoughts were so confused and blurry. In fact, if asked, he probably wouldn't have been able to explain what had happened - just now, over the past two weeks, ever since New Year's, and maybe even since he had come back to Hogwarts. Two weeks of worrying and drinking, and the fights that had come in between, had taken their toll, and Sirius just wanted everything to be simple again.

Her voice, soft and low, broke through the fog in his brain, and he had been on the verge of whispering back an 'I love you' of his own when he heard what she said next, and then she was crying and kissing him, and he slowly opened his eyes.

"It's all right," he said in a soft rumble, and that's when he found it in himself to tighten his embrace, to hold onto her so she couldn't go again. "It's all right. And...I'm sorry, too." And this time it wasn't for anything in particular, or maybe it was for everything. Most of all, he was sorry that a piece of their relationship had somehow become lost, and he hoped like crazy that they'd find a way to recover it.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Swallowing back more tears, she looked at him for a second. "Okay." With that she sighed and relaxed into him again. If he said it was all right, it would be all right. She remembered having that absolute faith in him, once, and it washed over her again in that moment; Lily hadn't even realized she had lost it until it reappeared.

The house-elf appeared, but did nothing but set at tray down at the foot of the bed and disappear again, his appearance nothing more noteworthy than a few cracks of sound to herald the arrival and departure. Lily didn't move for the food and drink, she didn't want to ever move away from Sirius again. Her free hand pushed up under Sirius' shirt to lay flat against his chest, desperate to be closer to him, to feel her palm run along his skin. That little dip down to his stomach, the soft trail of hair leading to his waist band, the lines of his hips, all were subject to light, slow caresses of Lily's hand.

"I want to see you," she said quietly after a moment, looking at him. She let go of his hand to pull gently at the hem of his shirt. "I've missed you so much. I just want to see you, sweetheart."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Her hand was warm against his skin, and he closed his eyes again, briefly. He had known he'd missed her. He had realised how strange it had felt not to have her beside him when he went to bed, alone in his room in Slytherin. But perhaps he hadn't known just how cold he had been for those two weeks until her body was pressing against his and her hand was flat on his chest, on his stomach.

His eyes slowly blinked open when she spoke again, regarding hers, all the barriers finally gone - at least for now, and he that was a start. It was a start.

"I'm here, baby," he murmured, and he reached down to grip his shirt and, twisting slightly, pulled it up and over his head, tossing it somewhere off to one side. "I'm here."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

His affirmation made her smile and she paused to look at him, expression serious and loving. "So am I." And it was true. Lily couldn't really say when the last time she'd been fully there had been. Maybe never. But she was here, she wasn't leaving, and she wanted him to know that.

"I love you," she said, kissing him again, lightly, an almost chaste touch of her lips to his.

Then she lay back, slightly, letting her eyes rove over him, almost hungry in their intensity. Her hands followed where her eyes caressed, gently exploring, almost marking him. The body she knew so well, now, and yet still discovered new ways to touch and kiss and taste and adore every time they were together. "You're mine," she murmured, asking him, needing that confirmation as she leaned in to kiss his neck with gentle nips of her mouth.

"I'm yours, sweetheart. I'm all yours. I couldn't ever be anyone else's." She pulled back to look up at him. "You know that, right?" Her expression was worried; a deep sorrow in her eyes that she'd ever have made him doubt it. "Even when I left, even when I was angry, I was yours. You're in my soul, Sirius Black." She leaned in and kissed him. "You're in every part of me. I'm yours."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius wasn't sure if he could truly say he had known Lily was all his. He had thought that - for a long while, he had thought that, hadn't even questioned it - but then she had kicked him out and broken up with him, and he had nearly been convinced that that could quite possibly be the end of it. Of them.

He met her worried gaze with a sad one of his own. She was earnest. Earnest and young, and he had to remind himself once again of their age difference, because it was so easy to forget. She didn't have the benefit of time to teach her the hard lessons of patience and prudence. And in many ways, those were lessons Sirius himself was still learning, and so he simply had to understand. He hadn't doubted her commitment before, and the fact was that she was extremely stubborn. Had she really wanted to leave him, she would have done it. She wouldn't have answered his owls, and she never would have shown up at his door, twice. She was just young and headstrong. And he loved her in spite of that - and perhaps, in some ways, even for it.

His expression softened, and he reached a hand up to her cheek. "I know." He lifted his head a few inches and kissed her. "I know." Then a small grin took over his face. "And I think you know how I feel about you. Unless I haven't made that clear over the past couple of weeks."