The Hardest Time: Closed RP and Owls (Sirius and Lily)

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

((Takes place a few days after this, particularly after Lily broke up with Sirius and Sirius talked to Harry afterwards. Note that this is very backdated to the week after Voldemort unpopped and cast a Dark Mark over the school, only to repop again.))

The days had flown by in a numb, alcoholic blur. It was just easier that way. Lily had left him. Kicked him out and told him never to talk to her again. There was nothing else to do but ply himself with Firewhisky until the room started spinning and he passed out. When he woke up, he started the cycle over again.

It was just easier that way.

His only saving grace was that Harry hadn't come to him and ordered him to leave Slythendor and never to speak to him again. It was a relief, but it didn't help cheer Sirius to any significant degree.

And the Firewhisky never really did pull Lily out of Sirius's mind. She was always there - all the memories of the times they had spent together, good and bad. Of the way her smile made his heart leap. Of how hard she had fought for their relationship, only to rip it to shreds in the end. The pain was just duller with the Firewhisky, but it was still there.

On the fourth night after the breakup, Sirius had started in on a new bottle of Firewhisky; several empty ones were already rolling around somewhere on the floor. And when enough of it had hit, his mind started going to places and tossing out new ideas, and all of a sudden it seemed like a good idea to pick up a parchment and quill and write Lily a letter. She had told him not to owl her, but what could she do, kill the owl?

That thought was almost funny. There would be feathers everywhere, and then there'd be plenty of quills to go around. Thusly cheered by drunken nonsense, Sirius began to write.

---

Lily,

I'm sorry. Please fforgve me. i didn't mean to hurt you. I need you. And my hi hyj hygiene needs you, too. Pleas ri writ back. I'll do anything you want

Love, <---- I love you. I will always lov you. Please take me back.
Sirius

Comments

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Scowling at the pointed finger, Lily's gaze dropped and she muttered, "It's a little bit funny."

For a long moment she was quiet, staring at her hands knotted around her water glass. Then, without looking up, she started talking in a flat, monotone voice.

"They started right after I got back. That night. I burned the clothes I came back in, but that didn't really help. They're not dreams so much as memories. Well, most of them." For all the expression she was putting into the recitation, she might have been reading aloud from a particularly boring book of potion ingredients. But her knuckles were white from grasping the glass so hard and her shoulders stiff and tight. All the little non-verbal signs that Lily was very carefully keeping her emotions at bay. But she still wouldn't meet Sirius' eyes.

"It's all the times we were too late. Rushing up to a house, seeing the Dark Mark, going inside to find what the Death Eaters had left behind. Or missions where I was forced to just watch all these horrific things, because my orders were to observe and gather information. The interrogation sessions we had. The times I'd gotten caught by the Death Eaters. Over and over in my head. Crystal clear, just like I was there again. Only I know what's going to happen. And I can't change it."

There was a tiny pause, significant in its brevity. "Or it'll be the night Voldemort came. It'll be James' face as he died. Didn't see that, but my mind's filled in the blanks for me. It'll be the look in Voldemort's eyes as he raised his wand. All the hopeless ideas that flashed through my mind. The way the spell felt tearing through my body. What it was like to die."

There was still no emotion on her face. She could have been giving a report to the Order, calmly stating the facts and leaving out the horrific details of what it'd taken to get the information. "There are a few that are just dreams. One is where I'll wake up in my casket. Where I'm still dead and buried and I scream and scream and no one can hear me. There's another where I'm fighting with Voldemort and..." Cutting herself off, Lily simply shook her head. No. Some things just shouldn't be talked about. Or, rather, some things she would not talk about. That one was bad, but it rarely woke her up screaming. Anymore.

"They happen every night. Some nights are worse than others. When I wake up screaming so my throat is raw, or shaking and nauseous, I just get up and wander. Sometimes I patrol, because I feel fucking useless and it's all I can do. Most of the time I just go work. There's only been a handful of nights that I've made it all the way through, and most of those have been with alcohol or a sleeping pill."

Finally her eyes raised to his. But they were blank; every scrap of feeling or emotion carefully shuttered away. "Happy, now? Great fat lot of fucking good knowing that does."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius was still bristling from the things Robin had said to him and Lily's blasé reaction to it. Still, she was finally talking, telling him the things she had told Robin, the things she had deliberately kept from him for months now - nearly a year, in fact - and so he struggled to contain his temper and soften the angry expression on his face as he listened to her.

When she stopped talking, he sighed and then said, "No, I'm not happy. It doesn't make me glad to know you've been waking up every night like that." A few things were now beginning to make sense, though. Like why Lily worked so hard. She had always been studious, always an achiever, but her manic working had been a departure from what he had remembered about her, and this explained it, at least in part. "It doesn't thrill me to know you've been feeling useless and sick. And that you dream about these things."

Sirius tried to work out just what to say beyond that. It wasn't something with an easy solution. Of course, there was probably something in an old Divination textbook claiming that these sorts of dreams meant that on the twenty-third of October, twelve years in the future, it would rain, but Sirius thought all that was rubbish anyway. And these dreams had no bearing on the future. If anything, they had everything to do with the past.

"It's not good, Lily - to have that much trouble sleeping," he said, shifting slightly to face her a little bit more, his eyes fixed on her face. "Maybe you should take the Dreamless Sleep Potion more often, so you don't have to wake up every night. Or maybe you should tell me about all of this stuff. I was there, Lily. I saw things, too. I saw James's face after Voldemort killed him. And yours. I think I'd understand these things far better than your wanker friend Robin."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"I know you were there," she said, teeth gritting in frustration. "And could you sodding stop talking about Robin? Merlin's bollocks, Sirius, what is your problem? This isn't a fucking contest."

She pushed off of the couch, arms folded and glaring at him. "What, are you amassing points? I talked to him once back when you were too busy being best mates with a man who hated me to notice, so obviously he means more to me? Look, I'm sorry if you two don't get along. Frankly, though, I don't really give a damn. I'm tired of not being able to say things, I'm sick of walking on fucking eggshells. I did not betray you, Sirius. So stop..."

Waving one hand, she cut herself off. "Forget it." And this is why she didn't tell people things. Turning, she went to walk into the next room. "I need tea."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius sat there for a long moment as she walked out of the room. Every single bit of his energy was aimed at not exploding, magically or otherwise. Robin made him bristle; her reference to the situation with the other James made him want to destroy something, particularly because it wasn't just a stab at the other James - it was also a stab at him, Sirius, and she knew that was a sore point for him. She knew he could take everything that had happened with the other James back in a heartbeat if he could.

On top of that, she clearly didn't give a fuck that Robin had been such a complete ass to him, and she was still bringing up what had happened on New Year's as though it was something he had purposely done.

For that long moment, he focused on pulling all of his rage inside of himself, until the buzzing in his head got to be too much. That's when he stood up and strode over to the door to their suite. He was so angry and hurt he could barely see at this point. Without a word, he yanked open the door to their suite, slamming it shut behind him.

And he had been looking forward to a nice evening curled up in bed next to his girlfriend, possibly including makeup sex. So much for that. Quickly, and almost blindly, he descended the stairs towards Slytherin. Back to Slythendor it was, then.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Lily winced at the door closing. Oh, for fuck's sake. Throwing the tea kettle down, she took off for the door, pulling it open and striding after him.

"Like hell!" she shouted, not really caring who might hear them. "You are twice the prat if you think you can just walk out. For the love of God, Sirius, can you honestly tell me that you don't get why I don't tell you things, now? I KNOW THIS WILL HAPPEN, THAT'S BLOODY WHY."

Angry and frustrated and tired, she walked up to him, standing toe-to-toe with him. "You CANNOT make me open up like that and then LEAVE. Do you hear me? I am SO SICK of walking TIPTOE around things because I don't want to upset you. So you decide right now - either you want in, or not. Because this is what in is. You don't like something, TOUGH. I have sat with you and not said a WORD, Sirius. During more things than I can count. And I'm SORRY if some of that is a SENSITIVE TOPIC. But no one fucking held MY hand through any of it, so DEAL. I'm TIRED and I'm HUNGRY and I MISS YOU and I'm SICK OF THIS."

She took a breath, eyes scanning his face. "I can't do this any more. I can't fight like this. It's killing me and it's killing you and I won't do it. Come home. If you're mad, then shout at me. But you don't get to leave."

Turning around, she headed back up to their suite, shoulders slumping slightly in exhausted defeat.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

He stopped as soon as he heard her yell, although it took him several more seconds to turn around and face her, his breaths heavy and loud in his ears. He hadn't wanted to leave, but she had left him with no choice. Not when she was taking potshots at things she knew would upset him, and not for any good reason, either.

And after she turned around, he nearly turned back around himself and descended the stairs the rest of the way to Slytherin. Maybe she'd be easier to deal with in the morning, after she'd had a good night's sleep. If she had a good night's sleep. And if he felt like dealing with her, that was. Because at this point, after all the effort he had expended to apologise to her, to show her how much he cared about her, the least she could do was not deliberately try and hurt him.

His eyes were fixed on her as she walked back up the stairs, but they weren't really seeing her. They weren't seeing anything; his mind was far too wrapped up in itself, in his anger, in the complicated blur that their relationship had become.

"I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT, TOO!" The words spilled out of his mouth before his brain even had a chance to process them, and then he was stomping up the stairs after her. "I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOU KEEPING THINGS FROM ME BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID I CAN'T HANDLE THEM! I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOU MANOEUVERING YOUR WAY OUT OF CONVERSATIONS THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE! I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOUR GODDAM FRIEND BLAMING ME FOR KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE THAT WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING! AND I'M REALLY FUCKING SICK OF YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME! "

He didn't care that the two of them were still in the corridor. She had invited him to shout, and he fully intended to take her up on that invitation.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?" Oh, fine. They could do this here. "I DON'T TELL YOU THINGS BECAUSE OF THIS SIRIUS. BECAUSE EVER SINCE NEW YEARS, ALL WE FUCKING DO IS FIGHT." She was so angry she was shaking, rounding on him with flashing eyes. She wasn't thinking, wasn't processing, wasn't doing anything but just letting everything spill out. He'd wanted her to share and she'd painfully taken down the walls for him. Now he got to deal with the flood.

"AND YES. I BROUGHT UP NEW YEARS. DEAL WITH IT. DO YOU THINK I'M OVER IT? THINK I'M GOING TO BE ABLE TO TRUST YOU ANY TIME SOON? WELL, TOUGH TROLL TITTIES. LOOK, YOU WANT TO HEAR EVERY FUCKING THOUGHT THAT POPS INTO MY BRAIN? GET OVER IT. THAT'S NOT WHO I AM."

Merlin, again with Robin! Throwing her hands up, she advanced on Sirius, glaring. "WHY ARE YOU SUDDENLY OBSESSED WITH ROBIN? DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA AT ALL HOW HARD THAT WAS FOR ME TO TELL YOU?" she asked, pointing back at the suite. "I HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE ALL THAT. AND YOU JUST... GOD, SIRIUS, CAN YOU, FOR TWO SECONDS JUST LET ME BE THE ONE WHO NEEDS SOMETHING? YOU WANT ME TO BE VULNERABLE? TRY NOT TO WALK AWAY AFTERWARD." She paused, breathing heavily, pulse thundering so loudly she could scarcely hear anything else. What he said last was like a slap in the face, and the words spilled out before she could stop them.

"I WALK AWAY SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO."

Looking a little surprised by that, Lily made a soft noise of frustration and backed off a step, crossing her arms tightly across her chest and meeting his gaze almost defiantly.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"WHAT THE HELL is THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?" he thundered back. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, THAT YOU WALK AWAY SO I DON'T HAVE TO? DOES THAT MEAN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THANKFUL EVERY TIME YOU WALK AWAY, EVERY TIME YOU LEAVE ME?"

Oh, he had more for her. Because the New Year's thing was bullshit - he had apologised up and down, and the fact was that he hadn't known she had blacked out for the entire thing. There was no way he could make that any clearer to her. If she actually thought he would force himself on her physically, then they had far more work to do than he had thought. And he wasn't through with this Robin business either. He had subjected himself to Robin's insults and overall assery to defend her, and all he got from it were accusations of jealousy.

No, he wasn't done yet, but he stopped there, because he really wanted an answer to this one.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Pushing one hand through her hair, she sighed. "You're too loyal. You wouldn't... Even if you wanted to, you wouldn't leave me. Even if it was better. Even if you should."

Anger was fading, leaving behind numbness. She was so tired of doing this. Of fighting with him. Of having every conversation end in avoidance or shouting. They hadn't been like this before. Now she blamed all the little things that were wrong on that one night; unfair, she knew, logically. But it was hard to be logical about this.

Leaning back against the opposite wall, Lily simply looked at him, face slack with defeated acceptance. Sirius was just getting warmed up. She could tell that. So she'd stand there and take it.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Maybe that's a decision you should let me make for myself, yeah?" Sirius's voice was quieter, but his words were sharp and quick. "Maybe I'd like to be the one to decide whether I should leave. Because every time you make that fucking decision for me, Lily, it REALLY fucking pisses me off." Which was the closest Sirius would come to saying that it broke his heart, because right now he was angry and he wasn't going to give her that much. But while they were on that subject...

"You know what else pisses me off, Lily?" Now he rounded on her, one accusing finger extended at her. "That you somehow KNOW how I'm going to react to something. That you keep things from me and then act all SURPRISED when it's FAR more upsetting to me when I belatedly find out that you've been keeping the fucking secret in the first place. And then what pisses me off FURTHER is when your GODDAM FRIEND STANDS THERE AND TELLS ME WHAT A RUBBISH BOYFRIEND I AM FOR NOT KNOWING ABOUT ANY OF IT!"

Thinking about that encounter with Robin re-ignited Sirius's rage, and he began to yell again. "THE ONLY THING I AM OBSESSED WITH WHEN IT COMES TO THAT ARSEHOLE IS THAT HE LEAVE YOU THE FUCK ALONE! YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT TRUST, LILY? THAT'S THE BLOKE YOU CAN'T TRUST! THAT'S THE BLOKE WHO'S GOING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU!" Now his hand shifted, so his finger was pointing at his own chest. "NOT ME! I'D NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT YOU, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I CAN TELL YOU I'M SORRY, BUT THE FUCKING TRUTH IS THAT I DIDN'T KNOW YOU DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING, AND HAD I BEEN AWARE OF THAT, I NEVER WOULD HAVE LAID A HAND ON YOU, ALL RIGHT? WHY DON'T YOU GO YELL AT HIM AND GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK FROM IT, ALL RIGHT?"

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"I'm not in love with him," she returned evenly. She was practically drawn up into herself, arms wrapped around her torso and head bent slightly. "I don't trust him. I don't trust many people. And I'm sorry if he upset you, Sirius, but you have to understand - that was his intention. He's a Puck. He incites mischief and chases skirts. He probably got bored and you were a handy target."

Tipping her head back, resting it against the stone wall, she studied him for a moment. She wanted to shout back, but it seemed rather pointless. If both of them were shouting, it lead nowhere. "I know," she acknowledged. "I'm not saying I don't believe you, about that night. I'm just saying it's going to take me a while to just blow past it. Because whatever your intentions, we now have to deal with the actions." Her eyes narrowed slightly. "And I'm sorry if me processing things is inconvenient for you. But you don't get to tell me how to get over it."

Shaking her head, she dropped her gaze again, staring down at the cracks in the floor. "This is so fucking stupid. I've talked to Robin once. Maybe twice. And they haven't exactly been heart-to-hearts. But he pays attention. So I'm sorry if he's picked things up. Merlin, Sirius, it's not that I don't talk to you. It's that I don't talk to anyone. So why don't you get off it. You are the one person who I open up to here. You know me better than anyone. So fucking get over yourself. If I actually manage to have a conversation with someone else twice over the course of a year, you don't get to make me feel guilty about that." Her eyes went again to his, cold fury in them, overlaying the exhaustion. "And if you think I'm ever giving anyone the opportunity to take advantage of me again, then maybe you don't know me that well."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

The moment she stopped talking, Sirius started, his words once again quick and pointed. "No, Lily, you DON'T talk to me. That's the problem, see? And when you don't tell me things, I can't KNOW them. And then it's really fucking upsetting when I hear them through someone else." He opened his mouth as though he were about to say something else, but abruptly closed it, shaking his head and waving a hand dismissively. "Fine, whatever, Robin's an idiot. Maybe you'd understand and stop making excuses for him if he talked to you about me the way he was talking to me about you, and if he told you that you were a rubbish girlfriend because I had spilled my guts to him, but refused to do it to you." Sirius truly couldn't convey to her how it felt to stand there while Robin flaunted his knowledge of Lily in his, Sirius's, face, using it to draw asinine, but painful, conclusions that Sirius was a jerk who was completely undeserving of her.

"And I'm sorry, Lily, but they were your actions, too - what we did on New Year's," he continued, his voice lower, but very edgy. "They were your actions, too. Even if you don't remember them. If you want, I can show you in a fucking Pensieve, so you can know what happened. I don't care. You made the first move, and you were the one who got upset when I tried to stop things the first time. You, Lily. I'm sorry that I didn't realise you were blacked out, and I'm very sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but this was what I was afraid of, all right? This. What we're doing right now. And at the time, I didn't have the benefit of knowing that you fancied me, too. I don't know what you want from me any more."

That last statement made Sirius feel exhausted all of a sudden. "I don't know what you want from me," he repeated, and then he just stood there looking at Lily with a very pained expression on his face, because it hadn't always been like this. And he very much missed how it had been.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

She drew back, eyes wide and expression hurt. "Really. That's what you want to say to me right now? That it was my fault too?"

Swallowing hard, she just shook her head. "I guess you know what it's like, then. To not say something because you're afraid of how it'll be taken. To keep something locked away because it's easier to just deal with it than let the other person in."

For a very long moment she was quiet. Then she shrugged. "I don't know what you want from me, either. So I guess we're in the same boat." Merlin, she missed the before. Sagging a little, closing her eyes, she murmured, "Do you remember before? How easy it was?" A sad little smile tugged at her lips. "What happened, do you think?"

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Yes, it was what Sirius wanted to say, because it took two to tango, even when neither was fully aware of what was going on. But he was too tired and too sad to say it again.

His eyes fixed on an area just above one of Lily's shoulders, taking on a faraway look during that long, quiet moment. He missed the way they used to be. Their easy friendship. Their friendship, period.

When she spoke again, his eyes flicked upward to meet hers, and he nodded. "Yeah. I remember." He paused to give her a sad sort of shrug. "I...dunno what happened. Maybe we...." He shook his head again. "I don't know."

He sighed and then was silent for a few seconds. "I just want to be able to talk to you again. And I want you to be able to talk to me."

And that was really what it was at its basest level. That was all that he wanted. To be able to talk with her the way they used to.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Silently, Lily nodded. "I want that, too," she admitted, one corner of her mouth going up slightly.

So, there was the goal. How to get there? For a second she was quiet again, but then she pushed off of the wall and walked over to him. Hesitantly, she reached down to take his hand. Her fingers laced with his and she tipped her head up to meet his eyes.

"Well, before Bomba, I can't remember us shouting at each other in a hallway. At least," her smile was small, but genuine, "not since school. So let's go home. We'll get into bed and make a house-elf bring us some food. And we'll talk. I'll talk."

She looked sad and worn out, aged in some way, with wrinkles around her eyes and creases in her forehead from frowning. "I've missed you. I love you. And this all sucks arse, but we have to get through it. Somehow. Okay?"

Watching him, Lily felt her heart start to pound a sick knot of worry twist in her belly. It was completely possible he'd say no. That he had decided it wasn't worth it. And that terrified her. But, instead of taking control and walking away, she was standing there and letting him decide. And it was nerve-wrackingly horrible.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius allowed her to take his hand, and then he regarded her for a little bit. He knew her face. Ever since he was eleven years old, he had known it, so for nearly three decades. It had been of little consequence to him at first, and occasionally something of a nuisance, but then it had become the face of a friend, and now of something more than that, much more - a girlfriend, a lover, a partner. All of those things and more, things that didn't even have names. It was the face that knew him, that looked at him with those deep moss-green eyes and saw him, that told him all sorts of things without even a sound.

But how could something he knew so well also be so unfamiliar at the same time? There were pieces of her he didn't know, pieces maybe he would never know, pieces he couldn't understand, pieces he had thought he understood, pieces maybe he would never understand, and they were all there in her face, too. She was friend and stranger, joy and sorrow, comfort and pain, and Sirius couldn't comprehend how one person could be so much to him all at once.

He blinked and flicked his eyes down, away from her face, and then he swallowed and nodded. Whoever she was, the one thing he knew was that he loved her. Logic, in all its heady trappings, would fail to justify the irrationality of the binding combination of emotion and circumstance. Their lives had been twined together, and Sirius couldn't let go. Nor did he want to. He loved her, and that would have to be enough. And maybe it was plenty.

"Okay." And because she had already shattered the invisible barrier between the two of them, he released her hands so he could slide his arms around her, pulling her to him in a tired, but firm, embrace.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

As Sirius looked at her, saw her, the air seemed to catch somewhere in her throat. Grey eyes swept across her face, and, in an instant, she felt naked and exposed, completely vulnerable without anywhere to hide or protect herself.

So many people interacted with Lily every day. Even in a school as large as Hogwarts, it was the rare student who she didn't at least recognize by sight. Most everyone she encountered was met with a smile or a cuppa; any favour asked was given time and attention, no matter what was happening in her own life. But few people actually knew her. As much as she cared and watched and struggled to understand the people around her, Lily kept people around her at a distance. It wasn't anything to do with the war or her experiences since she'd come back. Lily had always been that way - slightly held apart, watching and observing but rarely allowing anyone close. She cared, intensely, and perhaps that caring forced her to build walls, to protect herself as best she could.

It had been a long time - since James, at least - since someone had looked at her and really seen her. Since the walls hadn't been enough, and someone had found a way to break through. It made her want to look away, to shutter herself off and keep all those dark corners unlit, out of Sirius' intense gaze. The entire feeling of being vulnerable and exposed was disturbing in its unfamiliarity. Lily wanted to hide again, to keep safe and curled in on herself.

But, instead, she let her eyes be held by his, raising her chin slightly and tightening her fingers around his own. And she let him see her. All the barriers down, she allowed herself to be bare and unguarded under his eyes. It was terrifying and heartwrenching and Lily didn't flinch from it. He saw her, he knew her, for what was quite possibly the first time, and she held nothing back. It only lasted a minute, but in that time Sirius saw to the heart of her.

And then he looked away and Lily let out a breath she didn't know she'd been holding. In the next moment his arms were around her and she allowed herself to melt into him, breathing in deeply his familiar scent that she'd missed so wretchedly. Remembering how his body felt against hers. Arms sliding around Sirius' waist she just closed her eyes and stood there quietly, being with him more fully than she'd ever let herself.

"Let's go home, Black."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius didn't remember closing his eyes, but at some point he had. Opening them once again, he loosened his embrace, albeit a bit reluctantly, because it was the first time she had embraced him in nearly two weeks. One hand was left to press lightly against her back as he silently guided her the rest of the way to their suite.

When they got there, he slid his shoes off just inside the door, his trousers off just inside the bedroom, and then went and sat on the edge of the bed, his head bent low as he ran a hand through his hair in exhaustion. After a second, though, he looked up and said to Lily, "Hey, if you're calling a house-elf to bring us some food, can you ask for Pumpkin Pasties?" Then he got under the covers and lay back against the pillow with his eyes closed. It wasn't so much that he was sleepy, but rather that he was mentally exhausted, and it helped, a little bit, to shut out the world for a moment.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Her jeans were kicked off and her shirt joined the pile with her shoes. Deviating just a bit to their dressers, she wordlessly pulled out one of his t-shirts and slipped it on. Nodding at his request, she summoned her house-elf, gave it a list of instructions, and crawled into bed.

It was as if she couldn't bear to not be near him, after two weeks of so much distance. She lay her head on his chest, her hand finding his and her legs tangling with Sirius' under the covers. She missed him. So much it hurt, still, to even imagine a space between them. Lily ached to hold him, to feel him next to her, and she closed her eyes and let her entire being focus on the sensation of his presence.

"I love you," she murmured after a minute. Then, after a beat, she added so quietly it was not much more than a whisper, "I'm sorry."

Those words seemed to trigger something in her and she suddenly found she was crying, the hot tears tracing down her face and getting lost on the skin of his neck. Lifting her face, she kissed him, one hand cupping his face, the salty taste of her tears mingling with the more familiar, sweet taste of Sirius. She'd almost lost him. For all her worrying about some outside force taking him from her, she had almost let herself lose him. "God, I'm so sorry," she breathed, voice ragged and agonized. Looking at him, eyelashes wet and vision blurry, she traced her fingers across Sirius' face; fingertips caressing his cheek, outlining his lips, gently moving up the bridge of his nose to brush across his forehead, as if trying to remember the outline of his face.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

There was a dry swishing as her body moved against the sheets, and then he felt her settle next to him. Loosely - for anything more than that required energy he simply didn't have - he brought his arm around her shoulders, and the hand that she had reached for closed gently around hers.

She had said she'd talk, but things were so muddled in his mind that he didn't know what there was to talk about in the first place. They needed to discuss everything and nothing, and right now his thoughts were so confused and blurry. In fact, if asked, he probably wouldn't have been able to explain what had happened - just now, over the past two weeks, ever since New Year's, and maybe even since he had come back to Hogwarts. Two weeks of worrying and drinking, and the fights that had come in between, had taken their toll, and Sirius just wanted everything to be simple again.

Her voice, soft and low, broke through the fog in his brain, and he had been on the verge of whispering back an 'I love you' of his own when he heard what she said next, and then she was crying and kissing him, and he slowly opened his eyes.

"It's all right," he said in a soft rumble, and that's when he found it in himself to tighten his embrace, to hold onto her so she couldn't go again. "It's all right. And...I'm sorry, too." And this time it wasn't for anything in particular, or maybe it was for everything. Most of all, he was sorry that a piece of their relationship had somehow become lost, and he hoped like crazy that they'd find a way to recover it.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Swallowing back more tears, she looked at him for a second. "Okay." With that she sighed and relaxed into him again. If he said it was all right, it would be all right. She remembered having that absolute faith in him, once, and it washed over her again in that moment; Lily hadn't even realized she had lost it until it reappeared.

The house-elf appeared, but did nothing but set at tray down at the foot of the bed and disappear again, his appearance nothing more noteworthy than a few cracks of sound to herald the arrival and departure. Lily didn't move for the food and drink, she didn't want to ever move away from Sirius again. Her free hand pushed up under Sirius' shirt to lay flat against his chest, desperate to be closer to him, to feel her palm run along his skin. That little dip down to his stomach, the soft trail of hair leading to his waist band, the lines of his hips, all were subject to light, slow caresses of Lily's hand.

"I want to see you," she said quietly after a moment, looking at him. She let go of his hand to pull gently at the hem of his shirt. "I've missed you so much. I just want to see you, sweetheart."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Her hand was warm against his skin, and he closed his eyes again, briefly. He had known he'd missed her. He had realised how strange it had felt not to have her beside him when he went to bed, alone in his room in Slytherin. But perhaps he hadn't known just how cold he had been for those two weeks until her body was pressing against his and her hand was flat on his chest, on his stomach.

His eyes slowly blinked open when she spoke again, regarding hers, all the barriers finally gone - at least for now, and he that was a start. It was a start.

"I'm here, baby," he murmured, and he reached down to grip his shirt and, twisting slightly, pulled it up and over his head, tossing it somewhere off to one side. "I'm here."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

His affirmation made her smile and she paused to look at him, expression serious and loving. "So am I." And it was true. Lily couldn't really say when the last time she'd been fully there had been. Maybe never. But she was here, she wasn't leaving, and she wanted him to know that.

"I love you," she said, kissing him again, lightly, an almost chaste touch of her lips to his.

Then she lay back, slightly, letting her eyes rove over him, almost hungry in their intensity. Her hands followed where her eyes caressed, gently exploring, almost marking him. The body she knew so well, now, and yet still discovered new ways to touch and kiss and taste and adore every time they were together. "You're mine," she murmured, asking him, needing that confirmation as she leaned in to kiss his neck with gentle nips of her mouth.

"I'm yours, sweetheart. I'm all yours. I couldn't ever be anyone else's." She pulled back to look up at him. "You know that, right?" Her expression was worried; a deep sorrow in her eyes that she'd ever have made him doubt it. "Even when I left, even when I was angry, I was yours. You're in my soul, Sirius Black." She leaned in and kissed him. "You're in every part of me. I'm yours."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius wasn't sure if he could truly say he had known Lily was all his. He had thought that - for a long while, he had thought that, hadn't even questioned it - but then she had kicked him out and broken up with him, and he had nearly been convinced that that could quite possibly be the end of it. Of them.

He met her worried gaze with a sad one of his own. She was earnest. Earnest and young, and he had to remind himself once again of their age difference, because it was so easy to forget. She didn't have the benefit of time to teach her the hard lessons of patience and prudence. And in many ways, those were lessons Sirius himself was still learning, and so he simply had to understand. He hadn't doubted her commitment before, and the fact was that she was extremely stubborn. Had she really wanted to leave him, she would have done it. She wouldn't have answered his owls, and she never would have shown up at his door, twice. She was just young and headstrong. And he loved her in spite of that - and perhaps, in some ways, even for it.

His expression softened, and he reached a hand up to her cheek. "I know." He lifted his head a few inches and kissed her. "I know." Then a small grin took over his face. "And I think you know how I feel about you. Unless I haven't made that clear over the past couple of weeks."