The Hardest Time: Closed RP and Owls (Sirius and Lily)

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

((Takes place a few days after this, particularly after Lily broke up with Sirius and Sirius talked to Harry afterwards. Note that this is very backdated to the week after Voldemort unpopped and cast a Dark Mark over the school, only to repop again.))

The days had flown by in a numb, alcoholic blur. It was just easier that way. Lily had left him. Kicked him out and told him never to talk to her again. There was nothing else to do but ply himself with Firewhisky until the room started spinning and he passed out. When he woke up, he started the cycle over again.

It was just easier that way.

His only saving grace was that Harry hadn't come to him and ordered him to leave Slythendor and never to speak to him again. It was a relief, but it didn't help cheer Sirius to any significant degree.

And the Firewhisky never really did pull Lily out of Sirius's mind. She was always there - all the memories of the times they had spent together, good and bad. Of the way her smile made his heart leap. Of how hard she had fought for their relationship, only to rip it to shreds in the end. The pain was just duller with the Firewhisky, but it was still there.

On the fourth night after the breakup, Sirius had started in on a new bottle of Firewhisky; several empty ones were already rolling around somewhere on the floor. And when enough of it had hit, his mind started going to places and tossing out new ideas, and all of a sudden it seemed like a good idea to pick up a parchment and quill and write Lily a letter. She had told him not to owl her, but what could she do, kill the owl?

That thought was almost funny. There would be feathers everywhere, and then there'd be plenty of quills to go around. Thusly cheered by drunken nonsense, Sirius began to write.

---

Lily,

I'm sorry. Please fforgve me. i didn't mean to hurt you. I need you. And my hi hyj hygiene needs you, too. Pleas ri writ back. I'll do anything you want

Love, <---- I love you. I will always lov you. Please take me back.
Sirius

Comments

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

When the owl returned - and bearing a note to boot - Sirius greeted it exuberantly. "I knew you'd come back! You're a good mate, and when they all - " he paused to hiccup " - when they all start raising hell in th'Owlery, you'll be helping us with information and making sure there's mail for ev'ryone." He attempted to clap the owl on the back, but it wasn't having any of that, and it fluttered to the top of his television and held out its leg for Sirius to remove the note. There was something mildly disdainful in its eyes as it regarded Sirius.

"Yes, eye to eye, that's th'spirit. That's how you'll fool 'em all, and I'll be behind you all th'way, because you were here when no one else was." That reminded Sirius, even in his completely sloshed state, of just why he had got himself to that state to begin with, and he suddenly grew morose and a little weepy. "No one else was here, only you, Owl. Al. Al th'Owl." He attempted to reach up and pat the owl's back again, but it flapped its wings really hard and stuck out its leg further, intent on delivering its message so it could get the hell on out of there, most likely.

"You were th'only one, 'cause she left me and now I have nothing, Al. And if you've got all th'information now, then c'n you tell me where she is and what she told you 'bout me? C'n you tell me if she still loves me?" Leaving the note attached to the owl's talon, he took several steps backward and sank down onto the bed. He sniffed loudly and continued in a hoarse, broken, and very inebriated voice, "I jus' wanna know, b'cause I still love her and I jus' wanna know if she loves me, too."

The owl must have had some small degree of sympathy for Sirius. Either that or it really wanted to finish its duty and leave. Whatever it was, it glided down from the television and settled next to Sirius on the bed, holding its leg out very prominently.

Sirius had already started crying - it was the light sobbing of a very drunk man who clearly had no handle on his emotions, thanks to said drunkenness - and so the owl had to nip him a couple of times on the leg with its beak before it finally got his attention.

He looked up to see the proferred note and finally removed it from the owl's leg. Luckily, it was short, so he didn't have too hard a time reading it, although he did have to squint to keep the letters from moving around on the page. Tricky little letters.

After crumpling it up and throwing it into a corner, he told the owl, "Al, I've got another mission f'r you, 'k, mate?" This was not at all good news for Al the Owl, and it gave Sirius a very pained look, which Sirius was far too wasted to grok. "Tha's a mate." Another hiccup. "I love you, Al."

Sirius managed to successfully, and very sloppily, pat the owl on the head, and then he got up and staggered over to his desk, where he wrote out another note. After fumbling around for quite a while, managed to tie it to Al's leg.

On the way over to Lily's room, it was highly likely that Al was now plotting an owl rebellion.

---

Lily,

ok I will do what yoou want, but 1st I want to know, do you still love me? do you still love me Lily? Are you in love w/ me the same way I'm in love with you. Becaus I am so in love with you Lily. and you are breakin my heart. and I'm realy sorry and I know what I did was wrong but I didnt know you woudnt rememember and I did tell you why I did it which is becaus I'm in love with you and I thoughht you loved me too and that's why I did it but then you did not rememember and just tell me----do you still love me?

DO YOU STIL LOVE ME? I still lov you.

Yours trully and I love you,
Sirius

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

She was out in the middle of the moors when two owls winged their way towards her. Lily very nearly touched her heels to Agrippa's side to encourage the mare to just take off, galloping away from what she was pretty sure was coming.

But she reined the horse in and waited, watching the owls circle closer. One landed on her shoulder and the other settled on the pommel of the saddle, hooting balefully at her. That one - Al, though she didn't know it - held out its leg. The second she took the note he flew away as if afraid she was going to ask him to take another note. Exchanging glances with the owl on her shoulder, Lily raised her eyebrows. "His shift must be over."

Unrolling the note, she read it quickly. Her jaw clenched tightly and she simply sat for a moment, Agrippa dancing side to side under her as the mare chomped on her bit impatiently. Crumpling the letter, she tossed it into some nearby bushes. "I won't need you," she told the owl with a frown. "There's no return message."

The owl hooted at her but didn't move. "Look, I'm about to take off, you bloody bird, so either go back to the castle or follow me around all night. I don't care which, but get off my shoulder." Nudging her shoulder up and down a few times, she dislodged the bird before leaning forward and urging Agrippa to go.

For an hour she rode, slowing down only for the sake of Agrippa, but never stopping. Finally, though, she pulled the horse to a halt beside a lake, letting the mare wander into the water up to her knees and lower her head to drink.

The owl had followed them, because it chose that moment to land once more on Lily's shoulder, staring at her with wide, amber eyes.

"Oh, for the love of Merlin!" Glaring at the owl for a moment, Lily sighed and reached into one of her saddlebags, grabbing out some parchment and a quill, "Fine. Bloody, fucking, interfering bird. Fine."

A quick note was dashed off in an angry hand and attached to the owl, who immediately took off back towards the castle. Watching it go, Lily stared impassively up at the night sky for a while before turning Agrippa around and heading out further into the wilderness.

---

This has nothing to do with whether or not I love you. I don't trust you.

Stop owling me whilst you're drunk. Stop owling me all together. Get yourself together and stop being so pathetic as to chase me down with drunken notes of love and affection. I don't forgive you, Sirius. I'm not going to forget. So stop.

It's over.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius sat up waiting for a response, but eventually he lost out to a combination of the alcohol concentration of his blood, depression, and sheer fatigue, passing out on his bed. He woke about three hours later, and only because of a sharp pain shooting down his forearm. He was still drunk, as evidenced by the way the room was spinning when he opened his eyes, but his mind was far less blurry. Which meant that he was now very cognisant of just how sandy dry his mouth and throat were and how his stomach was not feeling particularly fantastic.

For a good minute or so, he just lay there, trying to work out what had happened and where he was. The pain on his forearm was getting worse, and so he flailed the arm out, only to hit something warm and feathery, which immediately smacked him several times, sending heavy gusts of air at him. With a groan, he pushed himself into a sitting position and managed to spy an owl (not Al, but a different one - ah, Al!) gazing sternly at him before he dropped right back down, flat on his back. The room was moving way too fast, and he felt like he just might throw up if he sat up for much longer.

Slowly, he pulled his arm towards his head and held it just above his eyes. There was a series of peck marks running from his elbow to his wrist, and a couple of them were bleeding slightly.

"Bloody owl," he grumbled in a very hoarse voice. And that's when he remembered that this was an owl he had been waiting for. "Right. Fine. Give it to me." Blindly, he thrust a palm out in the general direction of the owl, which hopped over and thrust out its leg. Its talon was sharp and dry on the skin of his palm. Very messily, he scrambled his fingers at the note, ultimately (and after the owl clawed him a couple of times in irritation) managing to work it off the owl's leg.

Then, just as he had examined his arm, he held the parchment up in front of his eyes and squinted at the words.

She didn't trust him. She didn't forgive him. She wouldn't forget.

But she didn't say whether she still loved him.

After a few minutes during which he caught his breath and willed (unsuccessfully) the room to stop spinning, he pushed himself up and stumbled over to his desk. Now his stomach was feeling like a whole gaggle of Bowtruckles was running a marathon through it, and he struggled not to throw up, ultimately settling for spitting several times onto the floor. Whatever. At this point, he didn't care.

In a very sloppy hand, he wrote out another message to Lily. This one was very simple, and when he was done, he attached it to the owl's leg and then flopped back down on the bed. The room was still spinning. He felt like shit. The next owl could peck him awake, too. That was fine. If there even was a next owl.

---

Lily

DO YOU STILL LOVE ME

Sirius

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Agrippa was already groomed, but Lily couldn't seem to force herself to walk into the castle. So she was sitting on a bale of hay in the barns, tossing a rubber ball she'd transfigured out of a bit of grass onto the wall, letting her mind go mercifully blank.

The owl interrupted that. Sighing heavily, she took the note and looked at it. For a little while, she just stared at those five words, eyes narrowed.

A short time later, the owl winged its way back.

---

Ye

Doesn't matter.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius had passed out again, but not for long, so it didn't take much for the owl to awaken him. It also helped that it had gone for a couple of very hard pecks on his hand, probably to save itself time and effort. Sirius knew he was going to pay for this the next day - that this waking up and going back to sleep would only make his inevitable hangover that much worse - but that was fine. It was a cliche, but the pain in his chest, the pain in his heart, was worse. Far, far worse.

He sat up again, turning his head to spit over the side of the bed another couple of times before he was able to turn his attention to the owl and retrieve the note.

Doesn't matter.

But it did matter. Because if she loved him, there was something they could do. They could work it out. Trust could be rebuilt. Wrongs could be righted. But love, once possessed and then lost, was very hard to rediscover.

But at least she was talking to him. Sort of. And he was going to respond as long as she would. He didn't care how pathetic or desperate he looked. Anything was better than losing her. He was sure of that.

Rubbing at his sore hand, he got up again and wrote Lily another note, sending it off with the owl.

---

Lily

It does matter. if you love me youll give me Aanother chance. i wont let youdo down. i would never do what i did again. i want to see you. please Lily i am begging you. i am on my knees and I am begging you. i will sober up and i will clean up and please please please lily I want to see you. just give me a chance. one chance. pleas lily.

i miss you so much

Sirius

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

The note reached her and Lily nearly screamed in frustration. He wouldn't let her alone. He wouldn't let her grieve and move on.

Fine. Owls weren't working. Pleading wasn't working. She'd try something else.

Lily knew Sirius. Better than anyone. And even though she'd specifically told him to stay away from Harry, Lily didn't have a doubt in her mind that he was still in Slythindor. So, within a few minutes, she was striding through the common room, and bursting through the door to Sirius' room.

With a flick of her wand every torch in the room flared to life. It was a mess, and it smelled of unwashed Sirius and alcohol. But she didn't care. She did not care that Sirius was lying on his bed, obviously miserable.

She did not care.

Throwing the note at him, she said, very coldly, "Stop. Sending me. Owls."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

The sound of the door banging open stirred him partially awake, and Lily's voice got him the rest of the way there. Quickly, he pushed himself up into a sitting position and swivelled in the direction of her voice, squinting hard against the light. Now he was in a place that was between drunk and hungover. It basically consisted of the worst of both states; he already had a bitch of a headache going, was feeling nauseous again, and was still quite a bit fuzzy in his head.

For a moment, he just sat there looking at her. She came to him. That was all he wanted. They could work something out. They had to be able to. He wouldn't let her go again.

Then he realised how horrible he looked. He hadn't shaved since the day Lily had kicked him out. He also hadn't showered. His room was a bit of a wreck; plates of half-eaten sandwiches and glasses with varying amounts of liquid in them were on his desk and dresser and the floor, along with several empty bottles of Firewhisky.

Usually, he didn't care about these things, but he found himself surprisingly self-conscious under Lily's glare, and he quickly ran his fingers through his hair in an attempt to make himself a little bit more presentable. That didn't bode so well for his stomach, though. For a couple of seconds, he focused simply on not throwing up, and then he looked up at Lily with eyes that were slightly unfocused and very miserable.

"I just want to talk to you." He raised a fist to his mouth and swallowed down a gust of air that had strong potential to turn into vomit if he wasn't careful.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Regarding him a moment, she very firmly squashed down any feelings of empathy or the urge to take care of Sirius. This was his bed. He got to fucking lie in it.

"Careful. I know how puking drunk turns you on. And you don't seem quite balanced enough to safely wank. Wouldn't want to harm the Black family jewels."

Shaking her head, she turned and walked back to the door. "If you want to talk to me, you'll need a shower. And to be fucking sober. Oh, yeah," she adverted her face so he couldn't see the tears that were starting again. Merlin, she hated that she still felt raw and empty over this. "And a time-turner."

The door to Sirius room slammed shut behind her.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

For a moment, his chest filled with hope. He could shower. He could sober up, either now with a potion or charm of some sort or by sleeping off the drunkenness. But then his spirits fell when she said her last bit.

He couldn't change what he had done. There was no going back.

But that didn't mean he was going to give up. He slid off his bed and stumbled to the door, yanking it open and going after her.

He caught up with her fairly quickly, just outside Slythendor, although it had taken a bit of effort for him to stay balanced, and he walked into a couple pieces of furniture along the way.

"Lily!" He steadied himself against a wall as he called out to her, suddenly feeling far more sober, but still very off balance. "I'll clean up. I didn't know you were going to come. I'll clean up. Please, just...I want to talk to you. Please." His eyes were focused on her face, searching for some sign that she felt something. Some sign that she still loved him. That she wanted to give him a chance.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Just keep walking.

Don't look back.

Don't let him see any sign of weakness.

Just keep walking.

Back ramrod straight, Lily barely paused when Sirius spoke. He knew her. He'd know the crack in her voice that she tried so hard to hide as she said, "I don't care. It's over. I just want you to leave me alone."

Fingers curling into fists she shook her head and started walking again.

"It's too late."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

It couldn't be too late. Not if she still loved him.

Without taking any steps forward, he called out loudly, "Do you love me, Lily? Do you still love me?" His voice was a bit hoarse, and at the end it cracked a little, struggling to contain all the emotions underneath.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

That stopped her. For a few minutes she stared blindly ahead, trying to think of something to say. Her throat was tight and no words seemed to be able to get past.

"Yeah," she murmured hoarsely. "But it doesn't matter. Because I don't trust you."

Then, without looking back, she kept walking, pulling open the door to the common room and heading out to the hall. She needed to get away. Maybe permanently. A tiny flat in some unknown city where no one knew her name was sounding vastly appealing right now. Someplace where she could start over and her drunken ex-boyfriend couldn't chase her down hallways.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

She did love him. Okay. There was something there. He wasn't cheered, but he was relieved. There was hope.

Quickly, or at least as quickly as he could without falling over, he followed her, and when they got out into the corridor, he called out to her again.

"It was a mistake! I didn't know, Lily. I didn't know you didn't realise what you were doing. I thought you'd remember." His words were coming out in a rush. If she wasn't going to sit and listen to him, he would just have to say it while she was within earshot. "That's why I told you everything - that night, I mean. Afterward. I didn't know you were passed out. And I would've told you in the morning, but I felt like shit about it, and I was afraid you would feel uncomfortable around me if I told you the reason I did it, which is that I was in love with you - and I still am - and then our friendship would be ruined, and I can't do that, Lily. I can't. I can't lose you. Even if you're just my friend, I can't lose you."

He paused, but only to catch his breath. "I fucked up. But I wanted it to be true. Right when you kissed me the first time, I wanted it to be true and not some drunken hookup with you. Because as beautiful and attractive and lovely and...and everything I think you are, I don't want that. I want you to love me, too, and I thought you did. At that moment, I thought you wanted me. But...I know I fucked up. And I'm sorry."

He dropped down to his knees. He didn't care who happened to come by during the wee hours and see him like this. He had been in desperate situations before. It was do or die. "I'm on my knees, Lily. Begging you. Please don't leave. I will NEVER do anything like that again. Please don't leave, Lily. You can trust me. I've never given you any other reason not to. Please." The last word was a hoarse whisper.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"STOP." The word burst from her lips before she could stop it, and she turned to face him, chest heaving. "Just stop, Sirius."

It was enough. He'd pushed her far enough. "You're not listening to me. You don't love me. If you did, you'd shut the fuck up and hear what I'm telling you. I want you to leave me alone. I want you to stop owling me."

She stalked back to him, angry and tired and missing him so badly it hurt. "Do you have any idea what you did to me? I lost my best friend, Sirius. You didn't tell me because you thought I'd be fucking uncomfortable? You don't get it. You did ruin our friendship. Right then. Because you left, Sirius. I was going through hell, and all we did was fight. If you even were there. I sat beside you after James. I never once asked you for a thing. And then I needed you and you fucked me and left."

Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks, now, and her mouth was pulled down into a desperate frown. She dropped to her knees in front of him. "So I am begging you, Sirius," she whispered roughly. "Leave me alone. Let me do whatever I need to do to fix what you broke. Because I do love you, still. And I wish to God I didn't. If there was a potion or a spell I could do to take it away, I would. Because it hurts so damn bad that I don't know how I'm still breathing."

Her green eyes were hard and filled with the pain she couldn't hold back anymore. "Because you didn't lose me, Sirius. I lost you. And all this time, I thought you were it. But it was a lie. I can't trust you. The Sirius I knew - the man I loved - couldn't have done that. So please. Leave me alone."

For a second she stared at him, eyes sweeping his face. Then, standing, she silently turned and walked away.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

He wanted so badly to reach for her hands or to embrace her. Something to demonstrate that they could get through this. That there was something there and that they would work to save it.

But everything she said spoke to the opposite, and it left Sirius completely devastated, his own eyes bright with tears.

This couldn't be happening. How many times could he lose the people he cared about the most? And what quite possibly made it worse - a whole lot worse - was how hurt she was. Because that was the last thing he wanted. From the time she had shown up at Hogwarts, he had vowed to take care of her for James, and then it had become something more than that - a lot more than that. And now he had managed to do the complete opposite.

He truly felt his heart shattering inside his chest.

For a moment, he just stood there on his knees, staring after her, aching so hard that he could barely breathe. But then something snapped in him. This could very well be his last chance to talk to her, face to face. He had to exhaust every single possible moment of it until the door was slammed in his face.

He scrambled to his feet and stood there. "I'm sorry," he called down the corridor, his voice filled with emotion. "I'm sorry, Lily. I made a mistake." He began walking after her again, swaying slightly. "And I can't undo that. I can't undo how it hurt you. I wish I could. But please, give me another chance. We have so much - I...." He caught up with her and, although he knew it could result in a hex or possibly a slap, he put his hand on her arm, hoping she'd turn around.

"I...please." He was out of words.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Oh, God. He just wouldn't leave her alone. He wouldn't stop. And she was so tired. "Stop," she whispered, not looking at him. "I can't. I can't let you... I can't. It hurts too much and I can't do it any more."

Pulling her arm out of his grasp, ignoring the tears that were now completely blurring her vision, she kept walking. She had to get away from him. Away from him begging her. This was just like the end with Cox, and Lily felt nearly ill from it all.

"Drink some coffee," she said quietly. "Don't let Harry see you like this." And then she turned the corner and hoped to anyone listening that he would let her go.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

This time, he let her go. He didn't want her to see him lose his composure more than he already had. He didn't want her to see him break down. Not about her.

The last thing she said, about Harry, was the last straw. And in a way, it was the best thing she said, because - and this wouldn't really register with Sirius until later, when he was sober and in a calmer state of mind - it was an acknowledgement that he would be continuing to talk to Harry despite her earlier warning not to. Right then, though, he didn't know why it tugged at his emotions so hard, but it did, and he didn't want to sob in front of her.

Shellshocked, he turned around and started walking back to Slytherin. He could barely see a thing in front of him through the tears gathering in his eyes, but it didn't matter. By the time he got to the door, he was striding very quickly, and when he got inside his suite, he immediately locked himself in the bedroom and cast a Muffling Charm so that Harry wouldn't hear the shameful noises he was making.

After a little while, his exhaustion and the alcohol caught up with the fatigue from his crying jag, and he ultimately passed out on the bed.