The Hardest Time: Closed RP and Owls (Sirius and Lily)

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

((Takes place a few days after this, particularly after Lily broke up with Sirius and Sirius talked to Harry afterwards. Note that this is very backdated to the week after Voldemort unpopped and cast a Dark Mark over the school, only to repop again.))

The days had flown by in a numb, alcoholic blur. It was just easier that way. Lily had left him. Kicked him out and told him never to talk to her again. There was nothing else to do but ply himself with Firewhisky until the room started spinning and he passed out. When he woke up, he started the cycle over again.

It was just easier that way.

His only saving grace was that Harry hadn't come to him and ordered him to leave Slythendor and never to speak to him again. It was a relief, but it didn't help cheer Sirius to any significant degree.

And the Firewhisky never really did pull Lily out of Sirius's mind. She was always there - all the memories of the times they had spent together, good and bad. Of the way her smile made his heart leap. Of how hard she had fought for their relationship, only to rip it to shreds in the end. The pain was just duller with the Firewhisky, but it was still there.

On the fourth night after the breakup, Sirius had started in on a new bottle of Firewhisky; several empty ones were already rolling around somewhere on the floor. And when enough of it had hit, his mind started going to places and tossing out new ideas, and all of a sudden it seemed like a good idea to pick up a parchment and quill and write Lily a letter. She had told him not to owl her, but what could she do, kill the owl?

That thought was almost funny. There would be feathers everywhere, and then there'd be plenty of quills to go around. Thusly cheered by drunken nonsense, Sirius began to write.

---

Lily,

I'm sorry. Please fforgve me. i didn't mean to hurt you. I need you. And my hi hyj hygiene needs you, too. Pleas ri writ back. I'll do anything you want

Love, <---- I love you. I will always lov you. Please take me back.
Sirius

Comments

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Several hours passed, and there was no response from Lily. As he had said in his letter, he hoped for one, but he didn't expect it. Reality was beginning to set in. At the beginning of when this mess had started, he had assumed they'd make it through this. It wasn't as though they were strangers to fights. But now he was more numb and sad than anything else. And hopeful, yes. But mostly numb and sad.

So as the time passed, he stopped watching for a return owl. He thought about getting some more Firewhisky, but decided to try one night without it. After all, he could be surprised yet. There was that hope again.

Ultimately, he transfigured himself into his Animagus form and curled up on the bed in a tight circle. It was easier not to think that way. Things were just simpler. The sadness wouldn't go away, but the details grew blurry, and he was able simply to lie there, and eventually to fall asleep for a little.

The knock on his door ((that I am godmodding in with permission from Lily-mun)) startled him from his nap, and he awoke with a soft yelp. Almost immediately, he transfigured himself back and got up off the bed.

It was probably Harry, checking up on him again. Maybe he would open the door and talk to him. He didn't want to scare his godson, after all, and he was sure that his behaviour over the past week and a half was doing just that.

Or maybe it was Lily. He tried not to get his hopes up, but...maybe it was Lily.

His mouth went dry and his heart started pounding, echoing in his ears as he walked over to the door. Being clean, shaven, and dressed, he didn't bother asking who it was; he knew just who had access to the suite, and it was about time he talked to somebody.

He just really hoped it was Lily.

He opened the door, and his heart sent from pounding to racing. He actually felt a little bit sick; things had ended on such a bad note between them, and now he was scared of what might happen. He didn't know what to say. He wanted to say everything.

He wanted to take her into his arms and never let her go.

But instead he stood there for a moment, staring, his eyes solemnly caressing her face with their gaze.

Actually, she looked quite wrecked. Her eyes were red and swollen, and her hair was rather mussed. And there was something about the way she was standing, about the way she was holding herself, something sad, something defeated, maybe. Sirius wasn't sure, but the state of her appearance made his chest ache, and he now he desperately wanted to hold her, to tell her that it would be all right. That they would be all right.

But he didn't. Almost automatically, one of his hands extended halfway to her, reaching to touch her face, but before it made it very far at all, he let it drop back down to his side.

After a very long moment, he said in a low, hoarse, hesitant whisper, "Hi. Do...you want to come in?"

Merlin, he hoped the answer was yes.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Her green eyes returned his gaze, her face very serious, something hesitant about her expression. She was defeated. Everything she'd been striving so hard for had failed. Lily was at the end of her rope.

As he spoke she held up one hand to stop him. "I don't want to talk to my boyfriend," she said quietly, wincing as she corrected herself. "My ex-boyfriend. I want to talk to my best mate. I... I need to talk to someone, and there isn't anyone else and..."

Lily took a shaky breath, her tone pleading. "Please. Can I do that? Can I... I just want to talk to my best friend. All right?" Not making a move forward, she stood uncertainly in his doorway.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius didn't know if what she said tore his heart in two or filled it with a buoyant joy. 'Ex-boyfriend' meant it was all over. That she was coming to him with that affirmation. But she had also said she had stopped seeing him as her best mate when they had started dating (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1321513.html?thread=67341097#t67341097), that they had lost that layer of their relationship, and so for her to come seeking him, as her best mate, was something very precious. Something promising. Maybe.

And if that's all he could be to her, he would take it. He just couldn't stand to lose her. To lose his best mate. If that's what she wanted, he would do it for her. The look on her face and the memories of times they were able to seek each other about anything made him want to.

He nodded, slowly and then more rapidly, his eyes wide and fixed on her face. "Yes," he whispered and stepped aside so she could enter.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Nodding, she looked vaguely relieved. As if just a piece of the weight she was carrying around was allowed to fall off. "Okay," she whispered as she walked past him. "Okay. Good."

His room looked extremely different than the last time she'd been there - it didn't look like someone had been huddled up for days, unwilling to leave. Which was good. She didn't want Sirius to be miserable. The initial anger had dissipated into something more tired. Lily just wanted to go back. She wanted to stop thinking about this. But she had no idea how.

"I don't know what to do," she admitted. She wandered around the room slowly, her fingers hooked in the back pockets of her jeans to keep them from twisting nervously. "I mean, honestly. I just... I can't figure out where to go from here."

She glanced back at him. "There's this bloke. And I love him. More than...more than anything. I trusted him. And I know that mistakes happen. Merlin, do I know. It's not that. It's not that I can't conceive that he'd make a stupid decision. It's not even that I hate him for it."

Taking a small breath, she let her eyes wander again, roaming over the room as she tried to find the words she wanted. "It's that I was helpless. I hate that. There's this big blank in my memory where I was totally vulnerable. And this bad thing happened and I have...I have no control over it. So how do I trust him again? How do I look at him or be with him knowing that?" She paused, crossing her arms in front of her, continuing to pace.

"Our first kiss. The first time he touched me. The first moment he wanted me and I wanted him and we were together - all these memories I thought we shared, and... And it's all not true. He's thinking of something I don't even remember. He's seeing something that I...that I might as well not even have been a part of."

There was something desperate in her voice as she turned back to him. "What do I do? I mean, he lied to me, Sirius. To my face. On numerous occasions. He did this, he lied to me, and he left me alone when I needed him. But..." She shrugged. "But I love him. Should I just chuck aside all of that over one mistake? I...I don't know what to do."

She needed someone to talk to. Someone to help her get perspective. Because she really just was at a loss. Running one hand through her hair, she raised one eyebrow at him. This was weird and awkward and completely insane, but it was also a last resort.

Hey, he'd wanted her to open up. This is what it was like.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius's throat felt like it was tied in knots, and he was pretty sure the blood had drained from his face, leaving him pale and stricken. It was hard, so hard, to hear her talking about him like that. Knowing exactly how she felt about him, the good and the bad. The intimate things. The way she was hurting. The way he had hurt her. And the choices she was considering about it.

And he had to weigh in. Objectively. As her best friend.

He didn't say anything at first. And then, after a few moments had passed, he shoved his hands into his pockets and looked down at her from where he was standing next to the television.

"He sounds like something of an idiot to me," he finally said, his words slow and measured. His eyes stayed fixed on her face. His features were now arranged in a neutral expression, but he couldn't keep the ache in his heart from finding its way into his gaze. "Are you sure he's worth fighting for? I mean...are you afraid he'll do something like this again?"

It was painful and shaming to ask these questions, but he had to. He couldn't keep his own selfish desires from shaping them, from helping him use them to apologise and to suggest, but he also was doing his best to be objective. To talk to Lily in the way she had asked him to, as her best mate.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

A very quiet sigh of relief escaped her and she gave him a very small, thankful smile. All right. She could do this. She simply couldn't handle Sirius-the-boyfriend right now; everything was still too raw and chaotic in her head. But Sirius-her-best-mate? Was exactly what she'd needed. She missed him. Because since coming back, he'd been the one person who had really known her. Who had seen her. He knew how to tease her out of her bad moods, how to talk her down from her tempers. And it seemed like before, she could never stay mad at him. All of that had changed - that was a fact she recognized - but it didn't mean Lily liked the way things had become.

"I don't know," she admitted, sounding a little frustrated. Her wand was out and twirling through her fingers as she paced back and forth. "I mean, does this mean I can't ever be drunk around him? That I can't be vulnerable? What kind of relationship is that? He was an idiot, but I was, too. After Perry I..." She laughed a little, bitterly, and shook her head. "I did a lot of stupid things. This was just one more. And I suppose I should be thankful it was him and not someone else. I know what I'm like when I'm pissed, and everything was so much worse. I'd have slept with anyone. The thing is, I...I don't think I would have cared so much if we'd slept together. Not then. I was... I wouldn't have cared." Lily looked rather disgusted with herself. "Merlin, Sirius, I was so... I don't think there's even a word for it." One hand pushed up through her hair in a helpless gesture.

"I just can't stand that he lied to me. He's telling me he was afraid, and I can... Cognitively, I can understand that. But I hate it. I hate that he lied to me about this. I hate that we had this whole...this whole thing and I got up the next day and went on like it never happened."

Pausing, she shrugged, messing absently with a quill on his desk. "Maybe I'm not afraid of him. Maybe I'm afraid of me. I'm... This has made me..." Lily sighed and swung herself up to sit on the desk, her legs kicking against the side. She looked young and raw and very weary as she looked over at him, giving him a sad, crooked smile. "I'm not a very good person, Sirius. He did this, but the only person I'm really mad at is me."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

His lips twitched slightly in return when she smiled at him. There was also a glimmer of acknowledgment, of something familiar, of a sad sort of recognition in his eyes, and then he blinked and it was gone.

She didn't get any easier to listen to. He didn't know how to prove to her that what had happened was a set of isolated circumstances that wouldn't ever be repeated. He had already said everything he could. At some point, she would just have to take that leap of faith...or decide it wasn't worth it and back off the precipice.

And some of what she said sliced straight into his heart like a stake. Her talk of all the stupid things she had done - he was able to read between the lines on that one. She was talking about Dean and Thomas. And anyone else she might have been with that he didn't know about. The reminders stung; he had just been one of many, and it hadn't even been intentional with him. In a way, it didn't matter, because in the end, she had ended up fancying him. Had ended up loving him. But it still hurt, especially after so many days of rawness.

Her saying that she would have slept with anyone and that she wouldn't have cared if she had slept with him only ripped the wound further open. But it was the truth, and he accepted that, painful as it was.

She was wrong, though. She was wrong about one thing. Because he hadn't got up the next day and went on like it had never happened. Not in his head. He had thought about it a lot. Sometimes, he still did. Many flavours of guilt weighed heavily in his mind in the days just after it had happened: guilt about James, guilt about what they had done, guilt about not telling her, guilt about the way he felt about her.... So no, he hadn't just gone on with his life. Over time, it had lessened, but it had never entirely disappeared.

But what she said last hurt most of all, and perhaps it was the least selfish bit of pain he felt for her. Because for her to think she wasn't a good person, for her to be mad at herself - Sirius's heart broke for the both of them.

His neutral expression had started to fall, started to melt into something pained and sad. When she smiled at him, he did his best to adjust it, flashing her a sad, crooked smile of his own.

"I think you're a good person." His tone was straightforward and simple. "That's why you're my - ...my best friend. Everyone makes mistakes." He knew that well. "And if he really loves you, I reckon you could run through the streets wearing a Feegle mask and a tutu and shouting that you're the pride of the plums and he'd still think you're the most amazing person he'd ever met." He offered her another tentative smile.

After a brief pause, his smile subsided, and he asked in a more serious tone, "Why are you afraid of yourself?" His expression started to unravel again, and he looked away and blinked, forcing his facial muscles to relax. It was a painful question to ask. It simply hurt to hear all this, to know that she had such strong self-doubts when he thought the world of her.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

This was exceedingly hard for Lily. Since she and Cox had broken up... No. Now she knew the exact moment. It was since she'd been drunk on New Years Eve and she and Sirius had done...things. Since that moment, she'd starting building little walls around herself. More than usual. Lily wasn't one to be open with her own problems. She never really had been, the war had made it worse, and then watching Sirius back away from her had sealed the deal. But since that moment, she hadn't actually had a long conversation with someone. Not about herself, at least. So she found herself stumbling for words.

The expressions crossing his face weren't lost on her. She'd carefully numbed off so much of herself over the past week that she barely registered the sharp jolt of guilt and grief at them. Lily just wanted to fix things. That's all she'd ever wanted - to make the people she loved happy. That Sirius was in so much pain...

Part of her considered just shoving everything aside and going into his arms and trying to forget. Of dealing with whatever pain and uncertainty and anger she still had on her own. So he could be happy again. So that Sirius might have the life he deserved.

But that wouldn't be fair, not to either of them. So, though her eyes softened as she watched him, Lily very carefully kept any further emotions locked away. This was the step she was prepared to take now. Any further would come with work. Lily honestly didn't know how this would end - a feeling she loathed. But she couldn't cheat. She couldn't skip to the conclusion and continue to repress. However it ended, she had to work through this.

At Sirius' words, her smile grew. Just for a brief moment, but in that span of time she looked almost like she had before the Dark Mark had issued up over Hogwarts and started this chain of events. She hadn't really smiled in days. But his next question made the look fade and she scrubbed her face with one hand.

"I never imagined I'd be capable of the things I've done. In my life I... God, Sirius. And I've hurt..." her eyes cut to him and then looked away for a second before going back with determination and meeting his gaze steadily. "I've hurt him. By me not being able to handle my own shite, I hurt him. And that was... It wasn't intentional. What will happen next? How much more can I honestly expect him to go through? This is what I was afraid of. That I... I'm too broken, Sirius. Really. There's too much wrong with me. And how can I ask him to be with someone who would put him in that position in the first place? Who can't be reasonable? Who will kick him out at the first sign of trouble?"

Somewhere along the way her eyes filled with tears, but she refused to look away from his face. "What he did was wrong, but at least he's sorry. And at least I can be sure it won't happen again. But what I did? I know it will. And I'm terrified of the person I'm turning into. I can't... I can't change. I don't know how. I can't talk to him. Every time I try, I just..." She broke off with a quiet breath and shook her head. "I think I'm too broken."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

His heart grew even heavier in his chest as she spoke about him, and he saw the sheen develop in her eyes.

Yes, she had hurt him. He had been a complete mess for well over a week. But it was more complex than just blaming one or the other of them. It had been both of them and the web of circumstances that led up to each event that had only dug them in deeper, made things worse. And he knew she didn't want to hurt him. He knew that.

He could no longer keep his emotions tucked deep inside, and so he gave up and let his face do whatever it wanted. "He doesn't care, Lily," he half-whispered, shaking his head, the pain in his chest now blatant on his face and in his voice. "He doesn't care. Because he loves you anyway. He just...wants you to be able to talk to him again. He wants you to try, and he promises he'll listen. As a friend. Because it's killing him that you're keeping all this hidden away. It's killing him that whatever it is you can't say to him is killing you." His lips twitched downward involuntarily, and he struggled to maintain his composure. "He just wants you back. He wants to be your friend, and he wants you back."

And now he was talking for himself, but he didn't care any more. They both knew it was a ruse anyway.

Pulling his hands from his pockets, he took a step towards her, but then stopped. He wasn't going to blow this. As much as he really wanted to pull her into his arms, he wasn't going to blow this.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

The tears that had been threatening were now falling in force, but Lily made no move to stop them. "He should," she whispered fiercely. "You should, you daft man." The tiny delusion they'd been playing out was shattered, anyway, so Lily just spoke directly to Sirius. Who was her boyfriend, no matter how much she really thought he shouldn't be. Who was her best friend, even though she had no idea how to let him back in. The only thing keeping those apart was her, and Lily saw that, even as she was helpless to change it.

"Just walk away, Sirius. If you can't see... If this past week hasn't taught you... I don't know when I'll be able to trust you again. I just don't. And I will hurt you again. I'm just so fucked up and it keeps getting worse."

And at that point, her throat closed up completely, and Lily could only shake her head helplessly and drop her gaze to the floor. She wanted to go to him. She wanted to leave. She wanted to stop fucking crying and be stronger. She used to be stronger. "I'm so fucking tired of being afraid," she choked out, the words nearly lost in a long, shuddering breath.

All the weight of everything she was carrying with her cemented her to where she sat, though. So she made no move, neither towards him or away. She was frozen. And Lily hated herself for it.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Her crying was the last straw. Whatever he was to her, best friend or boyfriend or neither, it didn't matter. In two swift steps, he had crossed the space between them and put his arms around her, pulling her into a tight, deep embrace.

It felt so good to hold her again. He had repeated over and over in his owls that he missed her, but now he felt the full force of it radiating throughout his body. He had been incomplete, and while he had known that, he hadn't realised just how much it had been so. She fit perfectly in his arms and against his chest.

The emotions were too much for him, and for a long, long moment he didn't say anything, but just stood there with his arms wrapped around her shoulders and back and his cheek resting against her head. It was a fragile, precious moment, and he wanted to enjoy it for as long as he could.

Finally, in a shaky whisper, he said, "I'll prove myself to you, Lily. We've got time." He was silent again for a bit before continuing, "And...we'll work through this. Whatever you're afraid of, you can tell me about it. I'll be there this time. I promise." These weren't words he uttered lightly, for he knew vaguely of what she was talking about. Robin had told her about the nightmares (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html?thread=65232043#t65232043), and Sirius, having lived with her for some time now, knew that she didn't tend to sleep well. And maybe there was even more to it than that. Sirius didn't know, but he wanted to. He wanted her to be the Lily he had remembered. The smiling, laughing, joking, strong Lily. And that Lily was still there, but sometimes she disappeared, and Sirius didn't know why.

He wanted to, though.

He fell silent again and just stood there holding her, absorbing her against his body, trying to remember what this moment was like in case it never happened again.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

For a second she held herself apart, not quite pulling away but definitely not relaxing into his embrace. But she had missed him. Oh, Merlin, how she'd missed him. With a quiet sigh, she leaned into him, her face buried in his chest, her forehead pressed against the crook of his neck. They fit. God help her, they did. Her arms didn't move to embrace him, but it was a start.

"You're an idiot," she told him, but her tone was fond, if more than exhausted. She was, all over, just achy and tired and past the point of being able to be removed and reasonable. So she tipped her head back to look at him. Slowly, her eyes moved over his face. Memorizing him all over again.

Then, so slowly it seemed to happen in degrees, she leaned forward to brush her lips against his. A chaste kiss, so much of her still held in reserve. But she closed her eyes tightly, remembering what he felt like. How he tasted, the way he smelled. Then, not opening her eyes, in a voice that was soft and hoarse, she murmured, "Can we go home, now?"

Her eyelids blinked open and she met his gaze, forehead puckering in worry, looking small and lost. "Please. I just want to go home."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

He returned the kiss with a soft one of his own, but otherwise didn't push. He was aware he'd probably be walking on eggshells for a while, and he wasn't going to ruin what he had just got back. His arms, however, were still clasped tightly around her, and he had no real intention of letting her go anytime soon.

And then relief washed over him, weakening his knees so that for a very brief moment, he worried that they would give out. She was taking him back. They would try and move on, without significantly dialing back what they had had. He would have his partner back.

He raised one of his hands up to push her hair out of her face. One of his thumbs reached over and slid down her cheek, following the track left by one of her tears.

"Yeah, let's go home. I wanna go home, too, baby." Home. That's what it really was. But only when she was there with him, and now she would be. He leant forward and kissed her on her forehead. "Let's go home."

He wasn't even going to bother gathering any of his things. He had left nearly everything he owned in their suite, and so he was currently wearing the things he had left in his room in Slythendor. A quick manoeuver and he had one arm around her shoulder. There was no way he was letting go of her on the way to their suite unless she got uncomfortable with it, and so he had to find a position that could maintain the contact.

"Told you the bloke you fancy is an idiot (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1327527.html?thread=67582631#t67582631)," he said with a small laugh as he began to steer her towards the door.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Simply smiling tiredly at him, Lily didn't shift closer to him or make any move to sling her arm around his waist like she once might have. But she also didn't move away; she reveled in the weight of his arm around her shoulders. The trip back was surprisingly quick for what it represented. Soon Lily was lowering the wards on the door and pushing it open.

The suite had an obvious unlived-in air. Everything was clean, but, other than that, nothing had been changed since the night of their fight. Lily had left, then, and not come back since. Leading Sirius into their bedroom, Lily slipped off her shoes by the door and, with quick flip of her wand, lit the stove, lighting the room with its cheery glow. Then she went and curled up on one of the couches.

"We should talk."

It was obvious those words were difficult to say. But she looked resolved, if a bit pale. "You said... Before, you said that you wanted me to talk to you. About things. You're right. I... I'll try. That's all I can tell you. I'll try, all right? And we'll...we'll see."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Home sweet home. Sirius was so glad to step into their suite. Slythendor had become a home of sorts for him, too, but this was different. This was home. Especially because he had lost Lily along with it. It was a reminder of what they had built together and what they shared. And what they were fighting for. Constantly, it seemed.

He was starting to edge on mental exhaustion as well, but there was no way he was turning down her offer to talk. The three words - they didn't scare him. He had already got over that hump. Nothing could be worse than what they had just gone through over the past week and a half. And he reckoned this wasn't about him in particular, at least not wholly.

"All right." He sat down on the same couch and turned to face her, with about the length of a cushion separating them. He thought about moving closer or taking her hand, or both, but thought better of it. She had allowed him to hug her and to hold her close, but she hadn't reciprocated, at least not entirely, and so he would let her call the shots right now...unless she really looked like she needed something. It was the best he could do.

"Anything you want to talk about, baby. I'm listening." While he waited for her to speak, he pulled out his wand and Summoned a couple of glasses from the kitchen. When they arrived, he filled them with water from his wand, and then he handed one to her.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

She accepted the glass with a small smile, trying and failing to relax. It really had been just so long since she'd done this, with anyone, despite what Sirius thought, and Lily's normally quick mind felt slow and fuzzy. She searched for a topic, for anything, but the walls she'd built to keep them all in didn't allow for random girl-talk.

"I..." She laughed a little, shortly, looking uncomfortable and frustrated. "I don't know, you... You, back before," she waved her hand to indicate the fight, "you'd said some things and..."

Oh, bugger. This was a lot harder than she'd thought it would be, and she frowned. "I don't know. Just... I... Bloody hell, I'm shite at this. I didn't used to have this much trouble talking."

Then a slow smile curled up one side of her mouth and she pointed a finger at him. "Don't say it, Black."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

A grin grew on Sirius's face. It actually felt strange. It had been well over a week and a half since Sirius had had anything worth smiling about. "You're the one who said it, dear," he replied with a short bark of a laugh.

He took a sip of water and settled back into the couch a little bit. What did they have to talk about? It seemed like everything and nothing. He tried to think back to what had precipitated all this, what specifically he had wanted her to tell him about.

"Well...I reckon it'd be good to know why you left the Great Hall when we were sitting there with Harry (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1321513.html?thread=67327273#t67327273). I thought everything was okay, or at least much, much better, and then all of a sudden you looked upset and walked out, and when I came out into the corridor, you looked like you were going to cry. What - ...what did I do wrong?" He wasn't certain he was even the cause of it all, but at this point he was willing to assume he was.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Okay. A topic. Settling further into the couch, turned to face him with her legs curled under her, Lily studied her glass for a moment as she thought. His laugh made her smile grow and she looked up at him quickly, just raising her eyes. Merlin, she loved his smile.

Biting her lower lip, she ran her finger absently around the rim of her glass. Her immediate instinct was to dodge the question - to tell him it was nothing or gloss over it and turn it around on him. But Lily fully recognized that, while Sirius had made a grave mistake that was going to affect their relationship for quite some time, she had been keeping herself so apart for so long that it had only made things worse. She had to open up.

Or, at least, she had to try.

"I never know what I can say to you," she began lowly, brow furrowing as she concentrated on her finger making a slow circuit of the glass rim. "About James. If it's all right to talk about him or..." She sighed, shaking her head. Even now, every part of her was screaming at her to stop. To change the subject. "I feel guilty, sometimes." A lot of the time. "And we were all just sitting there, after Voldemort shows up, and we're talking about him and laughing and eating sodding pizza... And it felt so wrong. Like I was being disrespectful. Then I miss him, so much, and I feel guilty about that, because of you. And I..."

Her hand was wrapped around the glass so tightly her knuckles were white. "It's hard. I'm never sure if I'm doing the right thing. Right then, it felt... It felt all wrong. And I couldn't just sit there."

Right then, she'd just been as honest and as open as she'd been with Sirius in months. And now she was really wishing the water was Firewhisky.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius wasn't sure what to think. He reckoned they hadn't really talked about James a whole lot except in the context of a fight, so maybe that's what she meant. Occasionally, they'd laugh about something he'd have done or once did, and when Harry was around, stories inevitably came out, but aside from that, he and Lily didn't really talk about James.

But that didn't mean he didn't want to. It didn't mean she should feel guilty. And it certainly didn't mean he didn't want her to miss James.

His brow folded into a soft frown as he contemplated what to say back to that, what he thought about it all. Finally, his voice slow and measured, he started with what he was most sure about. "I don't want you to feel guilty about missing him. I miss him, all the time. And...well, and it would bother me if you didn't miss him, Lily." He shifted so he was turned further towards her, his upper leg resting on the cushion of the couch that separated the two of them. "That would bother me, because I don't want our relationship to replace your memories of him. He's..." One corner of his lips twitched, making it appear for a moment as though he were about to flash a sad, nostalgic smile, but the next second it disappeared. "He was the best friend a bloke could ever have. And I know he brought all of everything I loved about him to your relationship and to your marriage. You should miss him. In your own way, you should miss him."

He paused and thought back to the conversation that had started this fight (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1321513.html?thread=67323433#t67323433), to Lily's tale of James's failed efforts to control his hair. He hadn't been uncomfortable at all. On the contrary, he had enjoyed hearing her story. It was something new, a piece of James he had never known of before, and that made it especially precious. "I like talking about James," he pronounced, and he hadn't realised just how much he wanted - no, he needed - to do that until that moment. "I like hearing stories about things he did that I never knew, and...and I like talking about him. I like remembering the times he made me laugh. I like telling those sorts of stories to you, too, because...." He thought about it for a moment. "Well, because you're one of just three people who would appreciate those stories the most, and one of them's popcorn right now." He was referring to Remus, of course ((Remember, this is backdated)), with Harry being the remaining party.

Decisively, he said, "It's not wrong to talk about James. He wouldn't want us hedging around him." Now he laughed. "He wouldn't want us laughing at him either, but tough Bowtruckles. We can't all get what we want, now, can we?" He laughed again, and despite the fact that things were far from fixed between him and Lily, he found himself glad that she had brought this up, because it was not anything he had ever thought about so directly before. And maybe he should have.

Maybe he should have.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

As Sirius talked, Lily was unaware at how much worry and guilt faded from her eyes. She only knew that it felt like more of a weight had fallen from her shoulders; a small, tentative smile turned up the corners of her mouth. It was all right to talk about James. Oh, Merlin, she hadn't realized until right then how much she'd wanted to hear that.

When she'd first come back, any mentions of James to Sirius had resulted in reassurances that surely, at any moment, James would want her back. There had been no room to grieve, scarcely space to breathe, and so she'd just...stopped. And once that James was recognized as an impostor, she couldn't bring up the real James because Sirius only got more depressed over what he'd thought he'd had and then lost again. There had never been a good time to talk about her husband, never a moment she felt safe in bringing him up.

So to hear that - that not only did Sirius understand that she still missed James, but he wanted her to miss him. That he wanted her to remember him - made Lily literally sag with relief. Scrubbing her face with one shaky hand, she laughed. "Okay."

Tipping her head back against the arm of the couch, closing her eyes just for a moment, she laughed with Sirius and looked back up at him with a smile that actually reached her eyes and eased the tired lines from her face. "Okay," she repeated, quietly, eyes suddenly tender and warm as she looked at him. Merlin, but she didn't deserve him. Even with all the shite, she didn't.

But she was thankful she had him.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Something shifted in her eyes just then, and Sirius found himself letting out a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding. Perhaps he had been holding it for days, ever since their fight. The way she was looking at him - more than anything she had said so far, it reassured him that she was going to stay with him after all. That she still loved him.

The tension in his face released with his breath, causing his smile to soften. "Okay." And for a little bit, he just sat there, silent and smiling back at her.

But there was more to talk about, and while it was tempting to leave it all for another time, he knew that would be a bad idea. Not when she was sitting there and willing to talk. Finally.

"So...well, I suppose there's...." He looked down at his hands for a moment and then back up at Lily. "What about your nightmares? I mean...I know you've had them for a while." He paused. "A long while. And...well, we share a bed. It's not like I don't notice. But you never tell me about them. You tell..." Now there was a very long pause. "You tell other people about them." 'Other people' being Robin. "But you won't tell me, and then I find out you're wandering the corridors and...I dunno what else, really, because you won't tell me. And...and I think maybe you should."

He had tried to broach the subject of the nightmares before (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/955931.html), and Lily had dodged it. Maybe now he'd get a straight answer.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

It was amazing how quickly Lily's expression could go closed and guarded again. The second the word 'nightmares' came out of Sirius' mouth, Lily let her gaze drop, her face going carefully blank and her attention focused on her glass of water. He didn't need to know that. Bad enough she had to go through them every night; the last thing she wanted to do was relive them in her waking hours.

Besides, Sirius had enough to worry about. This wasn't something that was affecting him at all. The last thing he needed was to hear about her bad dreams.

"I..."

Wait. Other people? That...

Robin.

The only reason she'd told anything to Robin was because he'd caught her out. And because... Well, as much as he was her friend, he didn't matter the way Sirius did. She could tell him things without worrying about repercussions. Well, that had been the idea, anyway. Apparently, not so much.

"I don't want to talk about it." Forcing a smile, she raised her eyes to Sirius. "They're just bad dreams, Black. Not worth mentioning."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

No. She couldn't keep doing this. Sirius didn't think bad dreams were really all that worth a serious discussion per se, but when they regularly caused one to scream and wander corridors at night and attempt, multiple times, to hide their existence from one's loved ones, then yes, they were quite worthy of a serious discussion.

"You said you were going to talk to me," he said bluntly. "I'm not a stranger. I'm not the bloke who lives down the corridor and who stores sex toys in your room and who would have it off with you first chance he gets." Sirius was still quite bitter at Robin and, with the mounting frustration of Lily dodging the conversation again, he found it very easy to channel his irritation towards the Puck. "Why can you talk to him about these things, but not me?"

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"Because he is just the bloke who lives down the corridor," she said shortly, visibly irritated. "Because he noticed me out a few nights in a row and sat with me. Because I don't care what he thinks of me, and because he forced it out of me." Taking a breath, she then laughed, shortly, not at all amused. "Are you jealous of Robin, Sirius? Because green isn't exactly your colour."

The conversation she'd had with Robin had been months ago. And, from time to time, they would pass each other in the corridors at night, each sleepless for their own reasons. But it wasn't like Sirius was making it sound - they didn't have long, intimate conversations on a regular basis. It was once and it was months ago; long before Sirius had even realized she was less than all right after coming back.

But instead of saying any of that, she simply glowered down at her glass and sniped, "I am talking to you. Didn't know we had a list of topics we had to cover. Just...sodding drop it, Sirius."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Jealous? Of that moron?" Sirius barked out a short, dry laugh that somehow seemed just the slightest bit too loud. "No. Not at all." His words were quick and sharp, like tiny needles thrust into the air between himself and Lily. "But maybe what I am is stupid, Lily. Maybe that's what I am, because I'm failing to understand how you can possibly think that I'm going to - I'm going to...I dunno, think less of you because you've got some sort of problem with nightmares. And if that's what you think of me, that I'd be that fucking shallow, then maybe we've got more problems than I thought."

Sirius was now thoroughly frustrated, and his temper was beginning to flare. Essentially, she was willing to talk to him, but only about topics that really didn't make a bit of a difference to either one of them. What was the point of that?

Her barb about being jealous of Robin was still lodged in Sirius's mind, and so that's what he seized on as he continued. "You wanna know something about your friend Robin, Lily? You wanna know something? It's a good thing you don't care what he thinks about you, or else it just might bother you that he owled me to say that he's planning on having it off with you (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html). It just might bother you that he's already worked out the tiny details of what he'll do to you (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html?thread=65081003#t65081003)."

Just thinking about this made Sirius feel sick and angrier. Briefly, he glanced away, his nostrils flaring and his jaw clenched, because the urge to either kick something, hard, or take out his wand and make a big, loud explosion was beginning to overwhelm him. After a couple of seconds, he shifted his eyes back to Lily. His fists were clenched so hard that his nails were digging into his palms. "It just might bother you that he told me he intends to steal you away because I'm not good enough for you (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html?thread=65181611#t65181611)." There was the tiniest of pauses. "Because I don't know anything about how you've been upset and having a hard time of it for months, and he does. (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html?thread=65191851#t65191851)"

He didn't, for a moment, believe Robin's inane blustering. The guy was a total dick, and that's where it ended for Sirius. But what infuriated him was that Lily was patronising him for wanting to help her, or at least understand the things that were upsetting her the most, and that it was absolute bollocks that, forced or not, she was fine with Robin knowing these things, but thought Sirius would somehow be unable to handle the information.

Looking up at the ceiling, he laughed again, this time long and way too loud, and then returned his eyes to Lily's, his gaze steely grey. "But it's a good thing you don't care about any of that, isn't it?"