The Hardest Time: Closed RP and Owls (Sirius and Lily)

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

((Takes place a few days after this, particularly after Lily broke up with Sirius and Sirius talked to Harry afterwards. Note that this is very backdated to the week after Voldemort unpopped and cast a Dark Mark over the school, only to repop again.))

The days had flown by in a numb, alcoholic blur. It was just easier that way. Lily had left him. Kicked him out and told him never to talk to her again. There was nothing else to do but ply himself with Firewhisky until the room started spinning and he passed out. When he woke up, he started the cycle over again.

It was just easier that way.

His only saving grace was that Harry hadn't come to him and ordered him to leave Slythendor and never to speak to him again. It was a relief, but it didn't help cheer Sirius to any significant degree.

And the Firewhisky never really did pull Lily out of Sirius's mind. She was always there - all the memories of the times they had spent together, good and bad. Of the way her smile made his heart leap. Of how hard she had fought for their relationship, only to rip it to shreds in the end. The pain was just duller with the Firewhisky, but it was still there.

On the fourth night after the breakup, Sirius had started in on a new bottle of Firewhisky; several empty ones were already rolling around somewhere on the floor. And when enough of it had hit, his mind started going to places and tossing out new ideas, and all of a sudden it seemed like a good idea to pick up a parchment and quill and write Lily a letter. She had told him not to owl her, but what could she do, kill the owl?

That thought was almost funny. There would be feathers everywhere, and then there'd be plenty of quills to go around. Thusly cheered by drunken nonsense, Sirius began to write.

---

Lily,

I'm sorry. Please fforgve me. i didn't mean to hurt you. I need you. And my hi hyj hygiene needs you, too. Pleas ri writ back. I'll do anything you want

Love, <---- I love you. I will always lov you. Please take me back.
Sirius

Comments

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

His heart grew even heavier in his chest as she spoke about him, and he saw the sheen develop in her eyes.

Yes, she had hurt him. He had been a complete mess for well over a week. But it was more complex than just blaming one or the other of them. It had been both of them and the web of circumstances that led up to each event that had only dug them in deeper, made things worse. And he knew she didn't want to hurt him. He knew that.

He could no longer keep his emotions tucked deep inside, and so he gave up and let his face do whatever it wanted. "He doesn't care, Lily," he half-whispered, shaking his head, the pain in his chest now blatant on his face and in his voice. "He doesn't care. Because he loves you anyway. He just...wants you to be able to talk to him again. He wants you to try, and he promises he'll listen. As a friend. Because it's killing him that you're keeping all this hidden away. It's killing him that whatever it is you can't say to him is killing you." His lips twitched downward involuntarily, and he struggled to maintain his composure. "He just wants you back. He wants to be your friend, and he wants you back."

And now he was talking for himself, but he didn't care any more. They both knew it was a ruse anyway.

Pulling his hands from his pockets, he took a step towards her, but then stopped. He wasn't going to blow this. As much as he really wanted to pull her into his arms, he wasn't going to blow this.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

The tears that had been threatening were now falling in force, but Lily made no move to stop them. "He should," she whispered fiercely. "You should, you daft man." The tiny delusion they'd been playing out was shattered, anyway, so Lily just spoke directly to Sirius. Who was her boyfriend, no matter how much she really thought he shouldn't be. Who was her best friend, even though she had no idea how to let him back in. The only thing keeping those apart was her, and Lily saw that, even as she was helpless to change it.

"Just walk away, Sirius. If you can't see... If this past week hasn't taught you... I don't know when I'll be able to trust you again. I just don't. And I will hurt you again. I'm just so fucked up and it keeps getting worse."

And at that point, her throat closed up completely, and Lily could only shake her head helplessly and drop her gaze to the floor. She wanted to go to him. She wanted to leave. She wanted to stop fucking crying and be stronger. She used to be stronger. "I'm so fucking tired of being afraid," she choked out, the words nearly lost in a long, shuddering breath.

All the weight of everything she was carrying with her cemented her to where she sat, though. So she made no move, neither towards him or away. She was frozen. And Lily hated herself for it.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Her crying was the last straw. Whatever he was to her, best friend or boyfriend or neither, it didn't matter. In two swift steps, he had crossed the space between them and put his arms around her, pulling her into a tight, deep embrace.

It felt so good to hold her again. He had repeated over and over in his owls that he missed her, but now he felt the full force of it radiating throughout his body. He had been incomplete, and while he had known that, he hadn't realised just how much it had been so. She fit perfectly in his arms and against his chest.

The emotions were too much for him, and for a long, long moment he didn't say anything, but just stood there with his arms wrapped around her shoulders and back and his cheek resting against her head. It was a fragile, precious moment, and he wanted to enjoy it for as long as he could.

Finally, in a shaky whisper, he said, "I'll prove myself to you, Lily. We've got time." He was silent again for a bit before continuing, "And...we'll work through this. Whatever you're afraid of, you can tell me about it. I'll be there this time. I promise." These weren't words he uttered lightly, for he knew vaguely of what she was talking about. Robin had told her about the nightmares (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html?thread=65232043#t65232043), and Sirius, having lived with her for some time now, knew that she didn't tend to sleep well. And maybe there was even more to it than that. Sirius didn't know, but he wanted to. He wanted her to be the Lily he had remembered. The smiling, laughing, joking, strong Lily. And that Lily was still there, but sometimes she disappeared, and Sirius didn't know why.

He wanted to, though.

He fell silent again and just stood there holding her, absorbing her against his body, trying to remember what this moment was like in case it never happened again.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

For a second she held herself apart, not quite pulling away but definitely not relaxing into his embrace. But she had missed him. Oh, Merlin, how she'd missed him. With a quiet sigh, she leaned into him, her face buried in his chest, her forehead pressed against the crook of his neck. They fit. God help her, they did. Her arms didn't move to embrace him, but it was a start.

"You're an idiot," she told him, but her tone was fond, if more than exhausted. She was, all over, just achy and tired and past the point of being able to be removed and reasonable. So she tipped her head back to look at him. Slowly, her eyes moved over his face. Memorizing him all over again.

Then, so slowly it seemed to happen in degrees, she leaned forward to brush her lips against his. A chaste kiss, so much of her still held in reserve. But she closed her eyes tightly, remembering what he felt like. How he tasted, the way he smelled. Then, not opening her eyes, in a voice that was soft and hoarse, she murmured, "Can we go home, now?"

Her eyelids blinked open and she met his gaze, forehead puckering in worry, looking small and lost. "Please. I just want to go home."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

He returned the kiss with a soft one of his own, but otherwise didn't push. He was aware he'd probably be walking on eggshells for a while, and he wasn't going to ruin what he had just got back. His arms, however, were still clasped tightly around her, and he had no real intention of letting her go anytime soon.

And then relief washed over him, weakening his knees so that for a very brief moment, he worried that they would give out. She was taking him back. They would try and move on, without significantly dialing back what they had had. He would have his partner back.

He raised one of his hands up to push her hair out of her face. One of his thumbs reached over and slid down her cheek, following the track left by one of her tears.

"Yeah, let's go home. I wanna go home, too, baby." Home. That's what it really was. But only when she was there with him, and now she would be. He leant forward and kissed her on her forehead. "Let's go home."

He wasn't even going to bother gathering any of his things. He had left nearly everything he owned in their suite, and so he was currently wearing the things he had left in his room in Slythendor. A quick manoeuver and he had one arm around her shoulder. There was no way he was letting go of her on the way to their suite unless she got uncomfortable with it, and so he had to find a position that could maintain the contact.

"Told you the bloke you fancy is an idiot (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1327527.html?thread=67582631#t67582631)," he said with a small laugh as he began to steer her towards the door.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Simply smiling tiredly at him, Lily didn't shift closer to him or make any move to sling her arm around his waist like she once might have. But she also didn't move away; she reveled in the weight of his arm around her shoulders. The trip back was surprisingly quick for what it represented. Soon Lily was lowering the wards on the door and pushing it open.

The suite had an obvious unlived-in air. Everything was clean, but, other than that, nothing had been changed since the night of their fight. Lily had left, then, and not come back since. Leading Sirius into their bedroom, Lily slipped off her shoes by the door and, with quick flip of her wand, lit the stove, lighting the room with its cheery glow. Then she went and curled up on one of the couches.

"We should talk."

It was obvious those words were difficult to say. But she looked resolved, if a bit pale. "You said... Before, you said that you wanted me to talk to you. About things. You're right. I... I'll try. That's all I can tell you. I'll try, all right? And we'll...we'll see."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Home sweet home. Sirius was so glad to step into their suite. Slythendor had become a home of sorts for him, too, but this was different. This was home. Especially because he had lost Lily along with it. It was a reminder of what they had built together and what they shared. And what they were fighting for. Constantly, it seemed.

He was starting to edge on mental exhaustion as well, but there was no way he was turning down her offer to talk. The three words - they didn't scare him. He had already got over that hump. Nothing could be worse than what they had just gone through over the past week and a half. And he reckoned this wasn't about him in particular, at least not wholly.

"All right." He sat down on the same couch and turned to face her, with about the length of a cushion separating them. He thought about moving closer or taking her hand, or both, but thought better of it. She had allowed him to hug her and to hold her close, but she hadn't reciprocated, at least not entirely, and so he would let her call the shots right now...unless she really looked like she needed something. It was the best he could do.

"Anything you want to talk about, baby. I'm listening." While he waited for her to speak, he pulled out his wand and Summoned a couple of glasses from the kitchen. When they arrived, he filled them with water from his wand, and then he handed one to her.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

She accepted the glass with a small smile, trying and failing to relax. It really had been just so long since she'd done this, with anyone, despite what Sirius thought, and Lily's normally quick mind felt slow and fuzzy. She searched for a topic, for anything, but the walls she'd built to keep them all in didn't allow for random girl-talk.

"I..." She laughed a little, shortly, looking uncomfortable and frustrated. "I don't know, you... You, back before," she waved her hand to indicate the fight, "you'd said some things and..."

Oh, bugger. This was a lot harder than she'd thought it would be, and she frowned. "I don't know. Just... I... Bloody hell, I'm shite at this. I didn't used to have this much trouble talking."

Then a slow smile curled up one side of her mouth and she pointed a finger at him. "Don't say it, Black."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

A grin grew on Sirius's face. It actually felt strange. It had been well over a week and a half since Sirius had had anything worth smiling about. "You're the one who said it, dear," he replied with a short bark of a laugh.

He took a sip of water and settled back into the couch a little bit. What did they have to talk about? It seemed like everything and nothing. He tried to think back to what had precipitated all this, what specifically he had wanted her to tell him about.

"Well...I reckon it'd be good to know why you left the Great Hall when we were sitting there with Harry (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1321513.html?thread=67327273#t67327273). I thought everything was okay, or at least much, much better, and then all of a sudden you looked upset and walked out, and when I came out into the corridor, you looked like you were going to cry. What - ...what did I do wrong?" He wasn't certain he was even the cause of it all, but at this point he was willing to assume he was.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Okay. A topic. Settling further into the couch, turned to face him with her legs curled under her, Lily studied her glass for a moment as she thought. His laugh made her smile grow and she looked up at him quickly, just raising her eyes. Merlin, she loved his smile.

Biting her lower lip, she ran her finger absently around the rim of her glass. Her immediate instinct was to dodge the question - to tell him it was nothing or gloss over it and turn it around on him. But Lily fully recognized that, while Sirius had made a grave mistake that was going to affect their relationship for quite some time, she had been keeping herself so apart for so long that it had only made things worse. She had to open up.

Or, at least, she had to try.

"I never know what I can say to you," she began lowly, brow furrowing as she concentrated on her finger making a slow circuit of the glass rim. "About James. If it's all right to talk about him or..." She sighed, shaking her head. Even now, every part of her was screaming at her to stop. To change the subject. "I feel guilty, sometimes." A lot of the time. "And we were all just sitting there, after Voldemort shows up, and we're talking about him and laughing and eating sodding pizza... And it felt so wrong. Like I was being disrespectful. Then I miss him, so much, and I feel guilty about that, because of you. And I..."

Her hand was wrapped around the glass so tightly her knuckles were white. "It's hard. I'm never sure if I'm doing the right thing. Right then, it felt... It felt all wrong. And I couldn't just sit there."

Right then, she'd just been as honest and as open as she'd been with Sirius in months. And now she was really wishing the water was Firewhisky.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius wasn't sure what to think. He reckoned they hadn't really talked about James a whole lot except in the context of a fight, so maybe that's what she meant. Occasionally, they'd laugh about something he'd have done or once did, and when Harry was around, stories inevitably came out, but aside from that, he and Lily didn't really talk about James.

But that didn't mean he didn't want to. It didn't mean she should feel guilty. And it certainly didn't mean he didn't want her to miss James.

His brow folded into a soft frown as he contemplated what to say back to that, what he thought about it all. Finally, his voice slow and measured, he started with what he was most sure about. "I don't want you to feel guilty about missing him. I miss him, all the time. And...well, and it would bother me if you didn't miss him, Lily." He shifted so he was turned further towards her, his upper leg resting on the cushion of the couch that separated the two of them. "That would bother me, because I don't want our relationship to replace your memories of him. He's..." One corner of his lips twitched, making it appear for a moment as though he were about to flash a sad, nostalgic smile, but the next second it disappeared. "He was the best friend a bloke could ever have. And I know he brought all of everything I loved about him to your relationship and to your marriage. You should miss him. In your own way, you should miss him."

He paused and thought back to the conversation that had started this fight (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1321513.html?thread=67323433#t67323433), to Lily's tale of James's failed efforts to control his hair. He hadn't been uncomfortable at all. On the contrary, he had enjoyed hearing her story. It was something new, a piece of James he had never known of before, and that made it especially precious. "I like talking about James," he pronounced, and he hadn't realised just how much he wanted - no, he needed - to do that until that moment. "I like hearing stories about things he did that I never knew, and...and I like talking about him. I like remembering the times he made me laugh. I like telling those sorts of stories to you, too, because...." He thought about it for a moment. "Well, because you're one of just three people who would appreciate those stories the most, and one of them's popcorn right now." He was referring to Remus, of course ((Remember, this is backdated)), with Harry being the remaining party.

Decisively, he said, "It's not wrong to talk about James. He wouldn't want us hedging around him." Now he laughed. "He wouldn't want us laughing at him either, but tough Bowtruckles. We can't all get what we want, now, can we?" He laughed again, and despite the fact that things were far from fixed between him and Lily, he found himself glad that she had brought this up, because it was not anything he had ever thought about so directly before. And maybe he should have.

Maybe he should have.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

As Sirius talked, Lily was unaware at how much worry and guilt faded from her eyes. She only knew that it felt like more of a weight had fallen from her shoulders; a small, tentative smile turned up the corners of her mouth. It was all right to talk about James. Oh, Merlin, she hadn't realized until right then how much she'd wanted to hear that.

When she'd first come back, any mentions of James to Sirius had resulted in reassurances that surely, at any moment, James would want her back. There had been no room to grieve, scarcely space to breathe, and so she'd just...stopped. And once that James was recognized as an impostor, she couldn't bring up the real James because Sirius only got more depressed over what he'd thought he'd had and then lost again. There had never been a good time to talk about her husband, never a moment she felt safe in bringing him up.

So to hear that - that not only did Sirius understand that she still missed James, but he wanted her to miss him. That he wanted her to remember him - made Lily literally sag with relief. Scrubbing her face with one shaky hand, she laughed. "Okay."

Tipping her head back against the arm of the couch, closing her eyes just for a moment, she laughed with Sirius and looked back up at him with a smile that actually reached her eyes and eased the tired lines from her face. "Okay," she repeated, quietly, eyes suddenly tender and warm as she looked at him. Merlin, but she didn't deserve him. Even with all the shite, she didn't.

But she was thankful she had him.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Something shifted in her eyes just then, and Sirius found himself letting out a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding. Perhaps he had been holding it for days, ever since their fight. The way she was looking at him - more than anything she had said so far, it reassured him that she was going to stay with him after all. That she still loved him.

The tension in his face released with his breath, causing his smile to soften. "Okay." And for a little bit, he just sat there, silent and smiling back at her.

But there was more to talk about, and while it was tempting to leave it all for another time, he knew that would be a bad idea. Not when she was sitting there and willing to talk. Finally.

"So...well, I suppose there's...." He looked down at his hands for a moment and then back up at Lily. "What about your nightmares? I mean...I know you've had them for a while." He paused. "A long while. And...well, we share a bed. It's not like I don't notice. But you never tell me about them. You tell..." Now there was a very long pause. "You tell other people about them." 'Other people' being Robin. "But you won't tell me, and then I find out you're wandering the corridors and...I dunno what else, really, because you won't tell me. And...and I think maybe you should."

He had tried to broach the subject of the nightmares before (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/955931.html), and Lily had dodged it. Maybe now he'd get a straight answer.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

It was amazing how quickly Lily's expression could go closed and guarded again. The second the word 'nightmares' came out of Sirius' mouth, Lily let her gaze drop, her face going carefully blank and her attention focused on her glass of water. He didn't need to know that. Bad enough she had to go through them every night; the last thing she wanted to do was relive them in her waking hours.

Besides, Sirius had enough to worry about. This wasn't something that was affecting him at all. The last thing he needed was to hear about her bad dreams.

"I..."

Wait. Other people? That...

Robin.

The only reason she'd told anything to Robin was because he'd caught her out. And because... Well, as much as he was her friend, he didn't matter the way Sirius did. She could tell him things without worrying about repercussions. Well, that had been the idea, anyway. Apparently, not so much.

"I don't want to talk about it." Forcing a smile, she raised her eyes to Sirius. "They're just bad dreams, Black. Not worth mentioning."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

No. She couldn't keep doing this. Sirius didn't think bad dreams were really all that worth a serious discussion per se, but when they regularly caused one to scream and wander corridors at night and attempt, multiple times, to hide their existence from one's loved ones, then yes, they were quite worthy of a serious discussion.

"You said you were going to talk to me," he said bluntly. "I'm not a stranger. I'm not the bloke who lives down the corridor and who stores sex toys in your room and who would have it off with you first chance he gets." Sirius was still quite bitter at Robin and, with the mounting frustration of Lily dodging the conversation again, he found it very easy to channel his irritation towards the Puck. "Why can you talk to him about these things, but not me?"

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"Because he is just the bloke who lives down the corridor," she said shortly, visibly irritated. "Because he noticed me out a few nights in a row and sat with me. Because I don't care what he thinks of me, and because he forced it out of me." Taking a breath, she then laughed, shortly, not at all amused. "Are you jealous of Robin, Sirius? Because green isn't exactly your colour."

The conversation she'd had with Robin had been months ago. And, from time to time, they would pass each other in the corridors at night, each sleepless for their own reasons. But it wasn't like Sirius was making it sound - they didn't have long, intimate conversations on a regular basis. It was once and it was months ago; long before Sirius had even realized she was less than all right after coming back.

But instead of saying any of that, she simply glowered down at her glass and sniped, "I am talking to you. Didn't know we had a list of topics we had to cover. Just...sodding drop it, Sirius."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Jealous? Of that moron?" Sirius barked out a short, dry laugh that somehow seemed just the slightest bit too loud. "No. Not at all." His words were quick and sharp, like tiny needles thrust into the air between himself and Lily. "But maybe what I am is stupid, Lily. Maybe that's what I am, because I'm failing to understand how you can possibly think that I'm going to - I'm going to...I dunno, think less of you because you've got some sort of problem with nightmares. And if that's what you think of me, that I'd be that fucking shallow, then maybe we've got more problems than I thought."

Sirius was now thoroughly frustrated, and his temper was beginning to flare. Essentially, she was willing to talk to him, but only about topics that really didn't make a bit of a difference to either one of them. What was the point of that?

Her barb about being jealous of Robin was still lodged in Sirius's mind, and so that's what he seized on as he continued. "You wanna know something about your friend Robin, Lily? You wanna know something? It's a good thing you don't care what he thinks about you, or else it just might bother you that he owled me to say that he's planning on having it off with you (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html). It just might bother you that he's already worked out the tiny details of what he'll do to you (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html?thread=65081003#t65081003)."

Just thinking about this made Sirius feel sick and angrier. Briefly, he glanced away, his nostrils flaring and his jaw clenched, because the urge to either kick something, hard, or take out his wand and make a big, loud explosion was beginning to overwhelm him. After a couple of seconds, he shifted his eyes back to Lily. His fists were clenched so hard that his nails were digging into his palms. "It just might bother you that he told me he intends to steal you away because I'm not good enough for you (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html?thread=65181611#t65181611)." There was the tiniest of pauses. "Because I don't know anything about how you've been upset and having a hard time of it for months, and he does. (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1276075.html?thread=65191851#t65191851)"

He didn't, for a moment, believe Robin's inane blustering. The guy was a total dick, and that's where it ended for Sirius. But what infuriated him was that Lily was patronising him for wanting to help her, or at least understand the things that were upsetting her the most, and that it was absolute bollocks that, forced or not, she was fine with Robin knowing these things, but thought Sirius would somehow be unable to handle the information.

Looking up at the ceiling, he laughed again, this time long and way too loud, and then returned his eyes to Lily's, his gaze steely grey. "But it's a good thing you don't care about any of that, isn't it?"

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Eyes going slightly wider as Sirius ranted on, Lily tried and utterly failed to choke back a laugh Shaking her head, she rolled her eyes, leaning forward. "Of course he wants to have it off with me. He's a fucking Puck, Black. He's told me about how he wants to. Usually after a few drinks, but it's not exactly news. I think I'd be more insulted if he didn't."

The, quirking up an eyebrow, she studied him. "And he's just trying to get a different sort of rise out of you. What did you do to get so firmly on his bad side?"

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Oh, so this was funny? It wasn't funny at all to Sirius. All that mattered to him was that Robin had been entirely disrespectful to Lily, and now Sirius didn't trust him one bit.

"What did I do? What did I do?" Sirius sat straight up. Every nerve in his body seemed to be on fire. "I apparently didn't care enough about you to know about your nightmares. Or about all the other things that happen in your life that you're perfectly willing to share with him, but not with me. Even though I didn't know about any of these things in the first place, because you won't fucking tell me. And then I had to stand there like an idiot while he told me what a terrible boyfriend I am and how I don't deserve you. And how when you finally realise this, he's going to fuck you until you're hoarse." He pointed a finger at Lily. "You think that's funny, too, Lily? Because I sure don't."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Scowling at the pointed finger, Lily's gaze dropped and she muttered, "It's a little bit funny."

For a long moment she was quiet, staring at her hands knotted around her water glass. Then, without looking up, she started talking in a flat, monotone voice.

"They started right after I got back. That night. I burned the clothes I came back in, but that didn't really help. They're not dreams so much as memories. Well, most of them." For all the expression she was putting into the recitation, she might have been reading aloud from a particularly boring book of potion ingredients. But her knuckles were white from grasping the glass so hard and her shoulders stiff and tight. All the little non-verbal signs that Lily was very carefully keeping her emotions at bay. But she still wouldn't meet Sirius' eyes.

"It's all the times we were too late. Rushing up to a house, seeing the Dark Mark, going inside to find what the Death Eaters had left behind. Or missions where I was forced to just watch all these horrific things, because my orders were to observe and gather information. The interrogation sessions we had. The times I'd gotten caught by the Death Eaters. Over and over in my head. Crystal clear, just like I was there again. Only I know what's going to happen. And I can't change it."

There was a tiny pause, significant in its brevity. "Or it'll be the night Voldemort came. It'll be James' face as he died. Didn't see that, but my mind's filled in the blanks for me. It'll be the look in Voldemort's eyes as he raised his wand. All the hopeless ideas that flashed through my mind. The way the spell felt tearing through my body. What it was like to die."

There was still no emotion on her face. She could have been giving a report to the Order, calmly stating the facts and leaving out the horrific details of what it'd taken to get the information. "There are a few that are just dreams. One is where I'll wake up in my casket. Where I'm still dead and buried and I scream and scream and no one can hear me. There's another where I'm fighting with Voldemort and..." Cutting herself off, Lily simply shook her head. No. Some things just shouldn't be talked about. Or, rather, some things she would not talk about. That one was bad, but it rarely woke her up screaming. Anymore.

"They happen every night. Some nights are worse than others. When I wake up screaming so my throat is raw, or shaking and nauseous, I just get up and wander. Sometimes I patrol, because I feel fucking useless and it's all I can do. Most of the time I just go work. There's only been a handful of nights that I've made it all the way through, and most of those have been with alcohol or a sleeping pill."

Finally her eyes raised to his. But they were blank; every scrap of feeling or emotion carefully shuttered away. "Happy, now? Great fat lot of fucking good knowing that does."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius was still bristling from the things Robin had said to him and Lily's blasé reaction to it. Still, she was finally talking, telling him the things she had told Robin, the things she had deliberately kept from him for months now - nearly a year, in fact - and so he struggled to contain his temper and soften the angry expression on his face as he listened to her.

When she stopped talking, he sighed and then said, "No, I'm not happy. It doesn't make me glad to know you've been waking up every night like that." A few things were now beginning to make sense, though. Like why Lily worked so hard. She had always been studious, always an achiever, but her manic working had been a departure from what he had remembered about her, and this explained it, at least in part. "It doesn't thrill me to know you've been feeling useless and sick. And that you dream about these things."

Sirius tried to work out just what to say beyond that. It wasn't something with an easy solution. Of course, there was probably something in an old Divination textbook claiming that these sorts of dreams meant that on the twenty-third of October, twelve years in the future, it would rain, but Sirius thought all that was rubbish anyway. And these dreams had no bearing on the future. If anything, they had everything to do with the past.

"It's not good, Lily - to have that much trouble sleeping," he said, shifting slightly to face her a little bit more, his eyes fixed on her face. "Maybe you should take the Dreamless Sleep Potion more often, so you don't have to wake up every night. Or maybe you should tell me about all of this stuff. I was there, Lily. I saw things, too. I saw James's face after Voldemort killed him. And yours. I think I'd understand these things far better than your wanker friend Robin."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"I know you were there," she said, teeth gritting in frustration. "And could you sodding stop talking about Robin? Merlin's bollocks, Sirius, what is your problem? This isn't a fucking contest."

She pushed off of the couch, arms folded and glaring at him. "What, are you amassing points? I talked to him once back when you were too busy being best mates with a man who hated me to notice, so obviously he means more to me? Look, I'm sorry if you two don't get along. Frankly, though, I don't really give a damn. I'm tired of not being able to say things, I'm sick of walking on fucking eggshells. I did not betray you, Sirius. So stop..."

Waving one hand, she cut herself off. "Forget it." And this is why she didn't tell people things. Turning, she went to walk into the next room. "I need tea."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius sat there for a long moment as she walked out of the room. Every single bit of his energy was aimed at not exploding, magically or otherwise. Robin made him bristle; her reference to the situation with the other James made him want to destroy something, particularly because it wasn't just a stab at the other James - it was also a stab at him, Sirius, and she knew that was a sore point for him. She knew he could take everything that had happened with the other James back in a heartbeat if he could.

On top of that, she clearly didn't give a fuck that Robin had been such a complete ass to him, and she was still bringing up what had happened on New Year's as though it was something he had purposely done.

For that long moment, he focused on pulling all of his rage inside of himself, until the buzzing in his head got to be too much. That's when he stood up and strode over to the door to their suite. He was so angry and hurt he could barely see at this point. Without a word, he yanked open the door to their suite, slamming it shut behind him.

And he had been looking forward to a nice evening curled up in bed next to his girlfriend, possibly including makeup sex. So much for that. Quickly, and almost blindly, he descended the stairs towards Slytherin. Back to Slythendor it was, then.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Lily winced at the door closing. Oh, for fuck's sake. Throwing the tea kettle down, she took off for the door, pulling it open and striding after him.

"Like hell!" she shouted, not really caring who might hear them. "You are twice the prat if you think you can just walk out. For the love of God, Sirius, can you honestly tell me that you don't get why I don't tell you things, now? I KNOW THIS WILL HAPPEN, THAT'S BLOODY WHY."

Angry and frustrated and tired, she walked up to him, standing toe-to-toe with him. "You CANNOT make me open up like that and then LEAVE. Do you hear me? I am SO SICK of walking TIPTOE around things because I don't want to upset you. So you decide right now - either you want in, or not. Because this is what in is. You don't like something, TOUGH. I have sat with you and not said a WORD, Sirius. During more things than I can count. And I'm SORRY if some of that is a SENSITIVE TOPIC. But no one fucking held MY hand through any of it, so DEAL. I'm TIRED and I'm HUNGRY and I MISS YOU and I'm SICK OF THIS."

She took a breath, eyes scanning his face. "I can't do this any more. I can't fight like this. It's killing me and it's killing you and I won't do it. Come home. If you're mad, then shout at me. But you don't get to leave."

Turning around, she headed back up to their suite, shoulders slumping slightly in exhausted defeat.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

He stopped as soon as he heard her yell, although it took him several more seconds to turn around and face her, his breaths heavy and loud in his ears. He hadn't wanted to leave, but she had left him with no choice. Not when she was taking potshots at things she knew would upset him, and not for any good reason, either.

And after she turned around, he nearly turned back around himself and descended the stairs the rest of the way to Slytherin. Maybe she'd be easier to deal with in the morning, after she'd had a good night's sleep. If she had a good night's sleep. And if he felt like dealing with her, that was. Because at this point, after all the effort he had expended to apologise to her, to show her how much he cared about her, the least she could do was not deliberately try and hurt him.

His eyes were fixed on her as she walked back up the stairs, but they weren't really seeing her. They weren't seeing anything; his mind was far too wrapped up in itself, in his anger, in the complicated blur that their relationship had become.

"I'M FUCKING SICK OF IT, TOO!" The words spilled out of his mouth before his brain even had a chance to process them, and then he was stomping up the stairs after her. "I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOU KEEPING THINGS FROM ME BECAUSE YOU'RE AFRAID I CAN'T HANDLE THEM! I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOU MANOEUVERING YOUR WAY OUT OF CONVERSATIONS THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE! I'M FUCKING SICK OF YOUR GODDAM FRIEND BLAMING ME FOR KNOWING NOTHING ABOUT YOU WHEN YOU'RE THE ONE THAT WON'T TELL ME ANYTHING! AND I'M REALLY FUCKING SICK OF YOU WALKING AWAY FROM ME! "

He didn't care that the two of them were still in the corridor. She had invited him to shout, and he fully intended to take her up on that invitation.