The Hardest Time: Closed RP and Owls (Sirius and Lily)

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

((Takes place a few days after this, particularly after Lily broke up with Sirius and Sirius talked to Harry afterwards. Note that this is very backdated to the week after Voldemort unpopped and cast a Dark Mark over the school, only to repop again.))

The days had flown by in a numb, alcoholic blur. It was just easier that way. Lily had left him. Kicked him out and told him never to talk to her again. There was nothing else to do but ply himself with Firewhisky until the room started spinning and he passed out. When he woke up, he started the cycle over again.

It was just easier that way.

His only saving grace was that Harry hadn't come to him and ordered him to leave Slythendor and never to speak to him again. It was a relief, but it didn't help cheer Sirius to any significant degree.

And the Firewhisky never really did pull Lily out of Sirius's mind. She was always there - all the memories of the times they had spent together, good and bad. Of the way her smile made his heart leap. Of how hard she had fought for their relationship, only to rip it to shreds in the end. The pain was just duller with the Firewhisky, but it was still there.

On the fourth night after the breakup, Sirius had started in on a new bottle of Firewhisky; several empty ones were already rolling around somewhere on the floor. And when enough of it had hit, his mind started going to places and tossing out new ideas, and all of a sudden it seemed like a good idea to pick up a parchment and quill and write Lily a letter. She had told him not to owl her, but what could she do, kill the owl?

That thought was almost funny. There would be feathers everywhere, and then there'd be plenty of quills to go around. Thusly cheered by drunken nonsense, Sirius began to write.

---

Lily,

I'm sorry. Please fforgve me. i didn't mean to hurt you. I need you. And my hi hyj hygiene needs you, too. Pleas ri writ back. I'll do anything you want

Love, <---- I love you. I will always lov you. Please take me back.
Sirius

Comments

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Mmmmm? Do I ever what?" Sirius's voice had a relaxed, lazy lilt to it. This was nice - lying there curled up with Lily and just talking. It felt like ages since they had done that - maybe even since before they had got together.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"Perry used to try and get me to take Dreamless Sleep Potion," she said. Bugger for Sirius that he was all relaxed. As nice as it was to be snuggled close to him, this was still a topic she'd spent over a year avoiding. It was only because she loved him and she wanted to avoid everything that had just happened over the last two weeks that she was forcing herself to talk. "But I never could. And I always told him it was because I didn't feel safe. And that was a part of it, true. I mean," she laughed, softly, "if he could throttle a Death Eater, sure, no contest. But he's not exactly proficient with any magic that isn't medically based."

Lily was quiet for a moment, her fingers twisting around his, playing between them, her eyes watching how small her hand looked next to Sirius'. "But that wasn't the whole reason. Do you... Do you ever feel guilty? About wanting to forget? Like... I feel like if I stop having the dreams, I'm betraying them. All those people I see, all the people we failed. I failed. That if I don't let myself remember them, then no one will." She shook her head, blowing out a quiet breath. "It's stupid. Never mind."

But it wasn't. She couldn't let herself get over the nightmares - she welcomed them, even, in some sick way - because it meant she hadn't forgotten. And Lily knew she would hate to become a person who could leave all of that in the past. She could barely look at herself in the mirror now; how much worse would it be if she shunned the guilt she'd justly earned simply for a good night's sleep?

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"It's not stupid." Sirius knew a lot about guilt. One of the things he knew the most was that it didn't really care a whole lot for logic. "You know I feel guilty about James a lot." Recalling a conversation he had had with Remus a while back (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/928852.html?thread=46029140#t46029140), he continued, "I'm often afraid that if I let...you know, losing James, and how it was my choices that - anyway, if I let that stop hurting so much, then that means I'm forgetting James. But...that's not really it, is it? I mean, James wouldn't want that." Remus had finally got through to Sirius, and it was surely something Lily had said many times as well. "And you didn't kill those people. I'm sure you realise that."

He thought for a moment about what she said about her personal security. "You feel safe with me, right? You know I'd never let a Death Eater near you. Anyway, I don't even think there are any of them around." Well, except for Snape (Sirius firmly believed Snape had never renounced his old ways), but Sirius knew how to handle that. In fact, he was quite sure that evil clowns posed the school's greatest threat these days.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"I know I didn't," she said slowly. "But I don't... It doesn't feel that way. And this is one thing that my intellect doesn't mean a whit on. It's just..." Lily paused, eyes scanning the room as she thought. "There were so many." It was something she said quietly, the sorrow evident in her voice. "How can I just go on like it was nothing?"

Faltering a little, her hand stilling on it's idle running up and down Sirius' arm, Lily's eyes flicked to Sirius' and then away again. "I know," she said, tone a reflection of her earlier words. "But I never really feel safe, no." Vaguely apologetic, she let her hand drop away, looking ashamed. There was a reason she warded everything and slept with her wand under her pillow. She couldn't shake the nagging fear. Lily knew - she knew - that it was baseless. But that didn't mean she could go anywhere without her wand. The fact that her mind couldn't overrule her emotions was frustrating, to say the least. "With you is the safest I ever do get to feel, though," she told him, turning slightly to look him fully in the face. A half-smile curved up her lips. "Even though we both know that I could own your arse in a duel."

Merlin, it felt good to tease him again.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius snorted softly. "Maybe in a mud pit with leather trousers. That's the only sort of duel you stand a chance in against me."

He barked out a laugh and then, after a moment, said in a more serious tone, "You go on because that's what people do. Because you can't ruin your life for people who are gone. And because you don't need dreams to remember." He cupped the back of her head, pushing his fingers through her hair and mussing it a bit. "Because you're a swotty girl who remembers more than enough spells to hold her own against her boyfriend in a duel." A tender note crept into his voice. "You don't need dreams to remember, Lily."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

A sigh slipped out as Lily let her eyes fall closed. A tiny smile crossed her face. "You're messing up my hair," she grumped, teasing. But her head tilted back a little into his hand to stop him from letting go. "And I am not swotty."

Curling up a little, she leaned her head on his chest, tucking her forehead into the crook of his neck. Nuzzling into him, she simply lay for a moment, taking in the sensations of him next to her. Something she'd thought she had lost. Something she'd very nearly given away. "I feel like I owe it to them," she murmured after a little while of quiet. "Some of the memories... I'm the only one who was there, other than the Death Eaters. And somehow," she laughed a little, bitterly, "I doubt those wankers are losing sleep over anything they've done. It seems someone should, you know? Someone should feel guilty. Their deaths shouldn't be able to be shoved aside and moved on from. Something deep and irreparable should happen." Her free arm wrapped around his waist and she pulled herself closer, as if cold and wanting him to warm her. "Someone should dream about them."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

His hand remained in her hair, and he kissed her lightly on the top of her head before settling back against the pillow and closing his eyes once more. "Their families dream about them. Don't get me wrong, Lily - you've got such a big heart, and I'd never dream of telling you to make it smaller." His fingers rubbed gently at the back of her head. "But you don't owe anyone anything. You already gave everything you could. The people who are responsible for their deaths should feel guilty, and if they don't, it's not up to you to take over for them." He certainly could understand guilt, but even his guilt hadn't kept him up at night, every night. He lived with it, not in spite of it.

"And...well, all of us had our failures in those times, you know? But you don't see Mad-Eye Moody cutting himself and listening to Morrissey, you know?" He laughed, because the thought of Mad-Eye Moody holding a knife to his gnarled arm and lip-synching, "Can you please stop time? Can you stop the pain? I feel too cold, and now I feel too warm again (http://www.oldielyrics.com/lyrics/morrissey/life_is_a_pigsty.html)," was downright hilarious.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

There was a long moment of silence. Not because she was contemplating anything, but because Lily was literally breathless with laughter. Shoulders shaking, tears rolling down her face, she finally managed to gasp in some air in a loud snort. The picture of Mad-Eye mooning about, listening to emo music...

Tipping her head back, gales of laughter still making her shake, she tried for words and failed utterly.

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

Sirius had already been laughing, but Lily's snort made him laugh even harder. "Elegant, Evans," he managed after a few moments, and then he was laughing again.

This was what he had missed. And not just over the past couple of weeks, but over the past several months. Just being there and having a laugh, just like old times. As his laughter dissolved, his grin didn't, and at that moment he was confident they'd be all right. Whatever had been lost wasn't permanently gone, and although it might take a while, they'd be able to recover it. He let out a happy, relaxed sort of sigh and moved his hand down to her shoulders, wrapping it tightly around them.

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"Sod off, Black," she gasped between giggles, trying to glare at him but only managing to make herself laugh harder. When he pulled her closer, she slid her hand up to cup the side of his neck, letting the laughs trail away into a happy kind of quiet.

"I missed you," she said, smiling softly. And she wasn't simply talking about the break up. She'd missed him - being able to see him as her best mate. Being able to talk with him, to laugh with him, without worrying that it would dissolve into a fight.

"Hey, I was going to nip into London tomorrow for a bit - I've got some books waiting for me at Flourish & Blotts. Want to come with? We can eat our weight in ice cream from Fortescue's and then you can hold my bags and tell me I don't look fat in the robes I try on."

[toujours-sirius.livejournal.com]

"Mmmm, I missed you, too." His tone was casual, but he absolutely meant it in the same way she did. He brought his other arm up and wrapped it around her as well. "London sounds brilliant. Although I'm not promising I'll hold your bags. With the number of books I'm sure you're going to get, I think I'll be using a Featherweight Charm." He grinned against her hair and kissed her lightly on the top of her head again. "Maybe we can pick up something at Quality Quidditch Supplies for Harry, as a sort of surprise. Something to show him that his mum and godfather haven't gone 'round the twist after all, you know?"

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

"Sweetheart," she said wryly. "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but a new pair of goggles is not going to erase the fact that we both are nutty as a loon." Then she laughed and kissed him lightly. "But don't worry. I find insanity very attractive."

Snuggling in closer she sighed, happily, winding her fingers loosely in the hair at the nape of his neck. "Fine. I'll carry my own bags if you'll go and have a hair cut. And maybe buy some new dress robes for classes?" Grinning, she nudged him gently. "If you're really good, maybe we can check out that Weasley Wizarding Wheezes joke shop - I haven't had a chance to go in."

Settling into his arms, content and sleepy and completely at peace with the world (at least for the moment), Lily let her eyes drift close, being lulled into that hazy space in between sleep and awake by the sound of his heartbeat under her ear. Making plans with him, spending time just being with Sirius, was something she hadn't done in a while. She really hadn't been making any effort at all. But that was going to change. It had to. If she had let Sirius walk away, she wouldn't have just lost the love of her life. Lily really would have lost her best friend. Comfortably intertwined with him, she let out a low breath, feeling tension she didn't even realize she carried with her ease out. Sure it was hard. And sure, being that open with someone was terrifying.

But it was unbelievably worth it.