[identity profile] gamerspy.livejournal.com posting in [community profile] hh_mirror
Hey.

We should

Listen, I

Where are you? I'm in my room, if you're not busy.

Matt

Date: 2008-05-10 02:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
I think about defending myself, but decide it won't help anything. I nod instead. "It's not that weird, given the way we're practicing. But, it's going to have to be different from a normal safe word." I take a deep breath. "You're a panicky fighter, so we have to work with that. Learning the techniques when you're calm isn't getting through that panic barrier. So, I can't accept a safe word the first time you say it. Does that make sense? I'm going to have to make you say it at least three times and not rapidly in a row, but you can have a safe word."

Date: 2008-05-10 02:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
"Phoenix down? Okay." Kind of strange, but no where near as bad as Kira. "As long as you can remember it in a panic and also remember B's not going to respond to it."

I pause a moment. "You still want to practice with me?" I ask very softly.

Date: 2008-05-10 02:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
"Even still?" I ask softly, not looking at him. "Even with..." I trail off, my mind going in at least three directions, none of which I'm sure enough of to vocalize.

Date: 2008-05-10 03:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
"Things are so different here," I whisper. I rub my eyes. "There's L and that otaku girl threatened me if I did anything to you, and...and...Christ, Matt." I bite my lip and take a deep breath through my nose. "I...every thing's so different and I thought I pushed you too far, but I thought...I thought I had to...B can't...he can't win...I can't lose you...not you, not Near...I can't." Either the room is trembling or I am. I wrap my arms around myself. I can't stop it, the terror. It should have gone away. Why did it get stronger?

Date: 2008-05-10 03:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
I try to breathe, try to get myself to calm down. It's not working. I don't trust myself to say anything, so I shake my head. It's been...years...since I haven't been able to stop a panic attack. I'd almost forgotten how...overwhelming they are. I fall to the ground, curling over my knees. How long? Too long...always too long. Breathe...breathe...why is my heart trying to break through my ribs.

God, why? He still wants me. Near wants me. Why do I hae to have this? Help.

Date: 2008-05-10 03:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
I lean into Matt. He's there. God, why now?

Breathe...breathe...

I can feel my heart on my legs...

No, don't think that...

Breathe...just...breathe...

"I'm sorry," I manage to say.

No, not that...Breathe...just breathe... In...count to five...out...count to five...

Slowly...slowly...In...one...two...God...

My rosary hits my wrist. I reach up for it and start thumbing the beads. I know it...how does it start? I pull it off my neck. God...no, Our father...that's how it starts. "Our Father, who art in heaven," I stat whispering. The repetition will help. Yes, it will help. "Hallowed by Thy name....Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name." I don't have to get farther, I just need that to pace my breathing. It'll help...it is helping.

And, Matt is here. I wish Near were, too, but Matt is here.

Date: 2008-05-10 04:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
"It's breathing, idiot," I almost manage to say without breaking. "Counting isn't working." I add on the next pause. I lean into him. I close my eyes and keep reciting. It's working, mostly. I can feel my heart slowing down. "I'm sorry," I whisper in the next pause.

Date: 2008-05-10 04:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
"Thank you," I whisper. I'm able to breathe slowly without having to recite, but it's not over yet. The shaking is getting worse, but that means it'll be over soon. But, in some ways, the shaking is worse than the panicking because it can trigger it again.

Date: 2008-05-10 05:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
I nod and let my forehead rest against his hands. Over and over, in my head, a silent mantra of 'I'm okay...I'm okay...' Three repetitions in, three out. The shaking starts to ease with occasional harsh tremors convulsing my body.

Gradually, I stop shaking and it leaves me limp. Recovery is almost as bad. I can't move and I feel miserable and sometimes my body convulses almost as hard as it does during only it's more painful because I'm trying to relax.

"Thank you," I manage to say, rolling to my side.

Date: 2008-05-10 05:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
"I don't think I can move myself," I whisper. I'm utterly exhausted. I would be able to lean on him, but there's no way I could move myself to the bed. I'm not sure I can even manage to get into my pocket for chocolate. "Yeah, water."

Date: 2008-05-10 05:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
I let my eyes close. "I thought I'd out grown these." I take another deep breath. When I can, I open my eyes again. "You're happy, mostly, aren't you?"

Date: 2008-05-10 05:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
"I'm glad." I reach over for the glass and it doesn't shake too badly. "I...I don't like L, but I respect him. I can't say I'll ever like him. But, I'm glad you're happy." I manage to get the glass back to the table and close my eyes again.

Date: 2008-05-10 06:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mello-n-choco.livejournal.com
"I know you do. And, I've been trying. I really have. We just have some fundamentally different." I laugh weakly. "Or maybe we're too alike. One or the other." I open my eyes again. "Maybe both?"

I reach out for his hand. "I'm glad you told him."

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