Owl to Mello

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Hey.

We should

Listen, I

Where are you? I'm in my room, if you're not busy.

Matt

Comments

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Maybe both," Matt agrees. "Thanks for trying, though," he adds, quietly. "It means a lot."

He shifts, letting Mello take his hand and squeezing back. "It was kinda... like, we told each other that we were probably going to say it at some point. And then he did, and I did, and..." A smile.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I smile back. It feels good to smile with him. "I didn't ever mean to tell Near. It just kind of happened." It's still awkward to say at times, but he's happy when I do.

"I've been...well, just now is how I've been." With my free hand, I rub my forehead. "Listen, I know B and I know you. I know I was hard on you, but if B is thinking your our 'A' then he will say shit like that. I...I don't mean it, I didn't mean it. I never would." This is as close as I can get to 'sorry' and I hope he understands.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"It's weird. I mean, good weird, but still... I mean, I don't know whether I should say it whenever I think it or keep it as, like, a special thing. I dunno." He shrugs.

The subject change makes him tense a little. "I know the sorts of things he says. I've heard them. But I don't - hearing them from B, who's fucking insane, and hearing it from... It's different."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I squeeze his hand. "I know, but the only way i know to prepare you is to emulate the situation you'll be in as closely as possible. I know it's difficult and...and painful. I didn't enjoy it at all. I think I'd rather have a nice tea with that air-headed twit and Kira than go through that again. Hell, Matt, it hurt to say that shit."

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Then don't."

It seems pretty simple to Matt.

"I know what he's like, it's not going to... knock me for six or anything."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"The only way I know to train is simulations, Matt."

I close my eyes. "Tell him when it feels right. Tell him you love him when it feels right."

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"You don't have to be that realistic."

Matt rummages through his pockets, pulling out his lighter to play with it.

"Last time. He said... it was shit about my eyes, stuff like that. It was twisted."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I open my eyes again. "Near didn't understand why I wanted to see his eyes. But, both of you hide them, him with his contacts, you more obviously."

I squeeze his hand and let it go so he can smoke if he wants. I reach into my pocket, my hands finally still enough to manage it, and pull out the chocolate bar. "If you want me to listen, I will. If you want advice, I'll try. If you want to throw me out, at least let me finish the chocolate, please." I give him a faint smile.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

He doesn't look like he's going to actually smoke, content instead to toss the lighter from hand to hand.

"It just... made it weird. L likes seeing my eyes," he admits. "But then I've got B destroying my fucking goggles and saying - it would've been better if he'd said something sick. Something L wouldn't ever say."

He's taken up Mello's first offer, seemingly.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"What did he say?" I ask softly. Maybe it'll help, get it out of his system and all that.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"... 'you have beautiful eyes. You shouldn't hide them.' Something like that. And I couldn't move."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Because you were petrified or because you wanted it to be L who said that?" I keep my voice soft and reach out to touch his knee.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"I was petrified. But if he ever does say anything like that now, it'll just..."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Show me?" I ask, gesturing at his goggles. Maybe it'll help...then again, maybe it won't. "It's okay if you don't want to, too."

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Matt blinks. (You can't tell, but he does.)

"My eyes? It's not... I mean, L's seen them. Quite a lot." He reaches to fiddle with the straps. "More than anyone."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Has he told you they're beautiful?" I ask, still soft, trying not to press too hard.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"That's the thing. I'd be weirded out if he did. Which is why this shit is so fucked up." He rubs his arm, looking uncomfortable. "I'm not as... I still tense up at some stuff, but it's not as bad."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

Very carefully, I sit up and reach for Matt's face. "May I?" I ask, gesturing to his goggles.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Matt goes very, very still. (This is what he means about tensing up.)

"Go for it."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I lift Matt's goggles off his face and put them in his hands. I wait a moment for him to open his eyes. Even with the marks from his goggles, it's easy to see he's scared. They're hazel, staring at me, waiting. "They are beautiful," I say softly, leaning back. "But, I prefer blue."

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"... right," Matt says. He wouldn't say 'scared'; deeply uneasy, sure, and still tense, but...

"Do you think I'm over-reacting to all this?"

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"If you're still this jumpy in a month, maybe. But, what B did was a violation of the most basic sense of security you have. It takes a bit to recover from that. Part of that is knowing that next time, you won't react the same way, that you have a strategy and you know you can act on it." I take a bite of chocolate.

"Matt, think about this: You will be able to master those silent charms. You didn't get a headache after and you got it in the first session, and you got away from me. Let that percolate through your brain some. I didn't let you get away, you got away."

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Eventually," Matt counters, then shakes his head. "I don't want to get into this. But... I'll think about it, yeah. And we'll keep practicing."

He turns the goggles in his hands.

"... been up to anything exciting?"

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Exploring the library for medical research and walking in on weird experiments. I'm trying to find out if what happened to B, his split, can be 'fixed' by magic, either where we could control the results or if he would go back to what passes as normal. The more information we have, the better prepared we can be. I'm fairly certain I know what caused the split, though. But, he was unstable to begin with, so predicting results is more complicated."

I pull a wry face. "It's not been a good week. By the bye, you did at least clean the dojo, didn't you?"

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Matt goes bright red, which is much more noticeable with his goggles off.

"... after practice?"