Owl to Mello

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Hey.

We should

Listen, I

Where are you? I'm in my room, if you're not busy.

Matt

Comments

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

Matt,

I'm in the library. Do you want meWhere did you want to meet?

M

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Mello,

You can come up to my room, if you want. Or we could find a classroom or whatever. Up to you.

Matt

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I don't think I'd ever been so nervous knocking on Matt's door. I shove my hands in my pockets, waiting. I think this is probably the longest we've gone without talking when there's been something between us. Add to that what I'd learned from L, and the fact that I didn't arrange this meeting like I normally would have, and things just feel weirdly wrong. I don't like that feeling. I want my best friend back. I want him to understand why I push so hard without me having to explain that I'm terrified, without having to explain the fear that consumes my brain at the thought of losing him or Near and the sinking certainty that if I lose one, I'll lose both.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Hey," Matt says as he opens the door. Goggles on, collar up. "Come on in."

He feels really, really weird. More than a little nervous.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Hey," I reply following him in. He's in full defense mode, something I'd seen when he meets new clients, but not something I'd ever expected to see directed at me. It hurts. I stand awkwardly in the middle of the room. I look over and Koopa's sleeping in his bed, so I don't have that distraction to hide my nervousness behind. I make myself turn and face him. "How's it been going?" I ask aiming at casual, but I think I miss.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"I... yeah, okay. Pretty good. I mean, with L and everything."

Matt, too, stands in the middle of the room (it's tidy enough now that they can both do that), hands shoved deep into his pockets.

"... this is just fucking weird."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I manage a half laugh at that. "It is, but..." I sigh. "I can't say I'm sorry Matt. I thought it was the right thing to do. I...I am sorry I pissed you off, but I'm not sorry I pushed you." I bite my lip. "I don't want anything to happen to you," I whisper.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Look, I get that," he says, running a hand through his hair. "But just pushing me down would have worked - some of the shit you said --"

Deep breath.

"This is going to sound weird, but if we're going to keep practicing I want a fucking safe word."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I think about defending myself, but decide it won't help anything. I nod instead. "It's not that weird, given the way we're practicing. But, it's going to have to be different from a normal safe word." I take a deep breath. "You're a panicky fighter, so we have to work with that. Learning the techniques when you're calm isn't getting through that panic barrier. So, I can't accept a safe word the first time you say it. Does that make sense? I'm going to have to make you say it at least three times and not rapidly in a row, but you can have a safe word."

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Okay. As long as I know I can make you stop." He rummages through his pockets for a cigarette.

"How about... phoenix down?" A small smile.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Phoenix down? Okay." Kind of strange, but no where near as bad as Kira. "As long as you can remember it in a panic and also remember B's not going to respond to it."

I pause a moment. "You still want to practice with me?" I ask very softly.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"It's a FFVII reference. Your guy runs out of HP, you feed him a phoenix down, he's good to fight again." Matt shrugs. "And I know he won't."

He lights up. "Depends on your definition of 'want'," he says. "I hate this stuff. But... dude. I - you're my best friend."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Even still?" I ask softly, not looking at him. "Even with..." I trail off, my mind going in at least three directions, none of which I'm sure enough of to vocalize.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Yeah. Still." Matt shrugs. "Always. You should know that."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Things are so different here," I whisper. I rub my eyes. "There's L and that otaku girl threatened me if I did anything to you, and...and...Christ, Matt." I bite my lip and take a deep breath through my nose. "I...every thing's so different and I thought I pushed you too far, but I thought...I thought I had to...B can't...he can't win...I can't lose you...not you, not Near...I can't." Either the room is trembling or I am. I wrap my arms around myself. I can't stop it, the terror. It should have gone away. Why did it get stronger?

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Matt looks alarmed (or as alarmed as you can look when most of your face is covered). He takes a hesitant step forward.

"Shit, man, are - are you okay?"

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I try to breathe, try to get myself to calm down. It's not working. I don't trust myself to say anything, so I shake my head. It's been...years...since I haven't been able to stop a panic attack. I'd almost forgotten how...overwhelming they are. I fall to the ground, curling over my knees. How long? Too long...always too long. Breathe...breathe...why is my heart trying to break through my ribs.

God, why? He still wants me. Near wants me. Why do I hae to have this? Help.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Shit.

Matt drops to his knees too, putting an arm on Mello's back.

"Just - try and breath, man, concentrate on breathing. I'm right here, I'm not fucking going anywhere, okay?"

He's never been good at dealing with these.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I lean into Matt. He's there. God, why now?

Breathe...breathe...

I can feel my heart on my legs...

No, don't think that...

Breathe...just...breathe...

"I'm sorry," I manage to say.

No, not that...Breathe...just breathe... In...count to five...out...count to five...

Slowly...slowly...In...one...two...God...

My rosary hits my wrist. I reach up for it and start thumbing the beads. I know it...how does it start? I pull it off my neck. God...no, Our father...that's how it starts. "Our Father, who art in heaven," I stat whispering. The repetition will help. Yes, it will help. "Hallowed by Thy name....Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name." I don't have to get farther, I just need that to pace my breathing. It'll help...it is helping.

And, Matt is here. I wish Near were, too, but Matt is here.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Thought you didn't believe in that shit," Matt says, still rubbing Mello's back.

"You're okay. I've got you."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"It's breathing, idiot," I almost manage to say without breaking. "Counting isn't working." I add on the next pause. I lean into him. I close my eyes and keep reciting. It's working, mostly. I can feel my heart slowing down. "I'm sorry," I whisper in the next pause.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Don't be stupid. Nothing to be sorry about."

Without entirely meaning to, he starts breathing along with Mello, as if he can will his friend's heart to stop hammering.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Thank you," I whisper. I'm able to breathe slowly without having to recite, but it's not over yet. The shaking is getting worse, but that means it'll be over soon. But, in some ways, the shaking is worse than the panicking because it can trigger it again.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Matt takes both of Mello's hands and grips them between his own, hoping that might help the shaking a little.

"Don't worry. Just keep breathing."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I nod and let my forehead rest against his hands. Over and over, in my head, a silent mantra of 'I'm okay...I'm okay...' Three repetitions in, three out. The shaking starts to ease with occasional harsh tremors convulsing my body.

Gradually, I stop shaking and it leaves me limp. Recovery is almost as bad. I can't move and I feel miserable and sometimes my body convulses almost as hard as it does during only it's more painful because I'm trying to relax.

"Thank you," I manage to say, rolling to my side.