Owl to Mello

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Hey.

We should

Listen, I

Where are you? I'm in my room, if you're not busy.

Matt

Comments

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Shit.

Matt drops to his knees too, putting an arm on Mello's back.

"Just - try and breath, man, concentrate on breathing. I'm right here, I'm not fucking going anywhere, okay?"

He's never been good at dealing with these.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I lean into Matt. He's there. God, why now?

Breathe...breathe...

I can feel my heart on my legs...

No, don't think that...

Breathe...just...breathe...

"I'm sorry," I manage to say.

No, not that...Breathe...just breathe... In...count to five...out...count to five...

Slowly...slowly...In...one...two...God...

My rosary hits my wrist. I reach up for it and start thumbing the beads. I know it...how does it start? I pull it off my neck. God...no, Our father...that's how it starts. "Our Father, who art in heaven," I stat whispering. The repetition will help. Yes, it will help. "Hallowed by Thy name....Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name." I don't have to get farther, I just need that to pace my breathing. It'll help...it is helping.

And, Matt is here. I wish Near were, too, but Matt is here.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Thought you didn't believe in that shit," Matt says, still rubbing Mello's back.

"You're okay. I've got you."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"It's breathing, idiot," I almost manage to say without breaking. "Counting isn't working." I add on the next pause. I lean into him. I close my eyes and keep reciting. It's working, mostly. I can feel my heart slowing down. "I'm sorry," I whisper in the next pause.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Don't be stupid. Nothing to be sorry about."

Without entirely meaning to, he starts breathing along with Mello, as if he can will his friend's heart to stop hammering.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Thank you," I whisper. I'm able to breathe slowly without having to recite, but it's not over yet. The shaking is getting worse, but that means it'll be over soon. But, in some ways, the shaking is worse than the panicking because it can trigger it again.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Matt takes both of Mello's hands and grips them between his own, hoping that might help the shaking a little.

"Don't worry. Just keep breathing."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I nod and let my forehead rest against his hands. Over and over, in my head, a silent mantra of 'I'm okay...I'm okay...' Three repetitions in, three out. The shaking starts to ease with occasional harsh tremors convulsing my body.

Gradually, I stop shaking and it leaves me limp. Recovery is almost as bad. I can't move and I feel miserable and sometimes my body convulses almost as hard as it does during only it's more painful because I'm trying to relax.

"Thank you," I manage to say, rolling to my side.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"D'you want help up onto the bed?" You can hear the worry in his voice. "It'd be more comfortable. Want some water or something?"

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"I don't think I can move myself," I whisper. I'm utterly exhausted. I would be able to lean on him, but there's no way I could move myself to the bed. I'm not sure I can even manage to get into my pocket for chocolate. "Yeah, water."

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Okay."

Matt gets up and crosses to the bathroom, where he pours a quick glass of water. He puts the glass on the bedside table, then kneels back next to Mello, pulling his arm over his shoulder and hauling him (with a little difficulty, but not as much as he'd expected) to his feet.

"C'mon."

Once he's got Mello onto the bed he takes the glass to his lips. For a short while, after all, he was pretty used to this.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I let my eyes close. "I thought I'd out grown these." I take another deep breath. When I can, I open my eyes again. "You're happy, mostly, aren't you?"

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

Matt settles on the edge of the bed, beside him.

"Yeah. Really happy. Apart from this stuff with B."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"I'm glad." I reach over for the glass and it doesn't shake too badly. "I...I don't like L, but I respect him. I can't say I'll ever like him. But, I'm glad you're happy." I manage to get the glass back to the table and close my eyes again.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"I wish you did. I think... I told him I love him."

Very quiet.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"I know you do. And, I've been trying. I really have. We just have some fundamentally different." I laugh weakly. "Or maybe we're too alike. One or the other." I open my eyes again. "Maybe both?"

I reach out for his hand. "I'm glad you told him."

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Maybe both," Matt agrees. "Thanks for trying, though," he adds, quietly. "It means a lot."

He shifts, letting Mello take his hand and squeezing back. "It was kinda... like, we told each other that we were probably going to say it at some point. And then he did, and I did, and..." A smile.

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I smile back. It feels good to smile with him. "I didn't ever mean to tell Near. It just kind of happened." It's still awkward to say at times, but he's happy when I do.

"I've been...well, just now is how I've been." With my free hand, I rub my forehead. "Listen, I know B and I know you. I know I was hard on you, but if B is thinking your our 'A' then he will say shit like that. I...I don't mean it, I didn't mean it. I never would." This is as close as I can get to 'sorry' and I hope he understands.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"It's weird. I mean, good weird, but still... I mean, I don't know whether I should say it whenever I think it or keep it as, like, a special thing. I dunno." He shrugs.

The subject change makes him tense a little. "I know the sorts of things he says. I've heard them. But I don't - hearing them from B, who's fucking insane, and hearing it from... It's different."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I squeeze his hand. "I know, but the only way i know to prepare you is to emulate the situation you'll be in as closely as possible. I know it's difficult and...and painful. I didn't enjoy it at all. I think I'd rather have a nice tea with that air-headed twit and Kira than go through that again. Hell, Matt, it hurt to say that shit."

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"Then don't."

It seems pretty simple to Matt.

"I know what he's like, it's not going to... knock me for six or anything."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"The only way I know to train is simulations, Matt."

I close my eyes. "Tell him when it feels right. Tell him you love him when it feels right."

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

"You don't have to be that realistic."

Matt rummages through his pockets, pulling out his lighter to play with it.

"Last time. He said... it was shit about my eyes, stuff like that. It was twisted."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

I open my eyes again. "Near didn't understand why I wanted to see his eyes. But, both of you hide them, him with his contacts, you more obviously."

I squeeze his hand and let it go so he can smoke if he wants. I reach into my pocket, my hands finally still enough to manage it, and pull out the chocolate bar. "If you want me to listen, I will. If you want advice, I'll try. If you want to throw me out, at least let me finish the chocolate, please." I give him a faint smile.

[gamerspy.livejournal.com]

He doesn't look like he's going to actually smoke, content instead to toss the lighter from hand to hand.

"It just... made it weird. L likes seeing my eyes," he admits. "But then I've got B destroying my fucking goggles and saying - it would've been better if he'd said something sick. Something L wouldn't ever say."

He's taken up Mello's first offer, seemingly.