Journey into Recovery ((Sock, RP, Kusuriyuri, Yukimura, Kuronue))

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

What god-modding there is has been approved. Topic and action likely to wander to NSFW areas and possibly triggery.

It had taken him longer to recover than he expected, but Kusuriyuri had finally convinced Kurama that he was well enough to return to his office for the day. He had almost had to threaten his lover with wards to make Kurama go to the greenhouses. He was just finishing preparing to leave when there was a soft knock at the door. Frowning at the wards that thought about identifying the presence as Kuronue but wouldn't commit, Kusuriyuri opened the door, not surprised the knocker was Yukimura, though he was surprised to see the samurai.

"I am sorry to bother you so early," Yukimura said, bowing. "As well as at your home, but I have something I wish to speak with you about in private."

Kusuriyuri tilted his head and looked at Yukimura. A contented exhaustion overlayed a deeper sense of concern. He returned the bow and stepped back. "Please, come in. Good morning." He wondered how long Yukimura had been waiting to be sure Kurama had left for the day.

Yukimura smiled as he walked past the peddler, stepping out of his shoes easily before entering the main portion of the house. "Good morning and thank you for your indulgence."

Kusuriyuri led Yukimura to the living room and gestured for him to take a seat. He watched while the samurai knelt between the couch and the table. Kusuriyuri knelt opposite him and waited.

Boukensha crawled into Kusuriyuri's lap and Belophoebe sniffed at Yukimura before hopping up on the couch behind his head, turning to deliberately ignore him except for her tail that draped over his shoulder.

Yukimura reached up and brushed her tail, causing ti to twitch and then settle again on his shoulder. "First, I want to thank you for everything you have done for us, Kuronue and myself. Words only are not enough."

"You have done much for us, as well," Kusuriyuri murmured. He knew that Yukimura's relationship with Kurama and Kuronue helped the fox in many ways.

A smile crossed Yukimura's lips. "I also know that we are far more in your debt." He reached up and caressed Bel's tail, amusement in his features as her tail flicked around his neck, lingering, before settling on his shoulder again. His expression sobered as his hand settled in his lap. "And I am here to place myself more in your debt."

While it was expected, Kusuriyuri's eyebrow went up. "This one does not consider you in his debt," he said formally. "As to your request, this one is a medicine peddler."

"True, but as to whether what I ask is within your trade..." Yukimura protested, his hand coming up to caress Bel's tail again.

"Ease your mind, then, and make your request," Kusuriyuri suggested after watching Yukimura pet the cat's tail a long moment.

Sighing, Yukimura said, "It is a difficult thing, but Kuronue did agree to this." He looked at Kusuriyuri. "Kuronue is still having nightmares. He doesn't always recognize me when I try to soothe or wake him. While he has only snarled at me in his sleep, this is a newer development and I would not care to see it become worse."

Kusuriyuri bowed to Yukimura. "This is a difficult thing," he murmured.

Nodding, Yukimura continued, "And, neither of us is used to asking for help. But, I do not wish to have you obliged, either. I remember that thing Apos threw at you."

"Once this one's body accepted it, it has ceased to be a problem." Nor would it be one in the future with Apos trapped in the sinning tree.

"That is good to hear. I would not want you to come to permanent harm." There was genuine relief in the samurai's voice.

"What is it that you would ask of this one?" Kusuriyuri asked. "What you have said does sound as though it would be within the scope of a medicine peddler."

"It is more complex than that," Yukimura said carefully. "To allow himself to be open enough, he needs more than I am able to give him."

Kusuriyuri frowned slightly. "More?"

"Yes," Yukimura nodded. "Violence and sex are very closely tied in his mind. I tend to be more gentle unless he provokes me, and even then, I am not as harsh as he desires sometimes. But, when he receives such treatment, his mind is more open."

"Is that so?" Kusuriyuri murmured. "That may be why Akabane affected him so deeply."

A wry expression crossed Yukimura's face, his eyes hardening. "Perhaps, but we both would like him to reach a level of peace rather than just burying his heart again. I would rather he healed."

The image of Ro impinged on Kusuriyuri's mind. He'd kept his distance but he had seen how very weak and injured that part of Kuronue's mind had been. "Healing cannot be forced," he said carefully.

"I know. I also am aware that things between us may change. I also know that things may become worse before they improve." Yukimura held up his hand. "I trust and respect your judgement, both in regard to whether you'll accept and what you tell Kurama. If you will not, there will be nothing more spoken of this."

Kusuriyuri was silent a long moment, stroking Boukensha as he thought. "I would speak with Kuronue alone first," he said slowly. While he understood why Yukimura approached him—things between him and Kuronue were still somewhat awkward despite the recent changes in their relationship—he needed to know this was truly what Kuronue wanted, that he was prepared.

"Of course," Yukimura said. His eyes went unfocused for a moment and he rose. "He will be here soon," he said, bowing. "Thank you."

Kusuriyuri rose before returning the bow. "It is what is done," he said as Yukimura walked to the hall.

"By some," Yukimura said, turning as he stepped into his shoes. "Those who are indeed worthy of regard," he added with a bow, stepping out of the door.

Comments

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue had a rising sense of trepidation in his chest. He was embarrassed about having nightmares at all, let alone having someone other than Yukimura know about it. Kusuriyuri was still a fresh addition, and while he was used to fresh additions, he wasn't used to fresh additions that remained. To fight this, rather than knocking on Kusuriyuri's door, he let himself in. It might have been rude, yes, and he felt the warning pressure of the wards, but they didn't seem to act.

He plopped himself before Kusuriyuri with a sigh, looking sombre and as relaxed as one could be in a situation like this. He waited for the other to speak, watching him.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri watched Kuronue for a long moment. "What Yukimura has said, that is what you desire?" he asked. "To find healing for the cause of your nightmares?"

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Hesitating for a moment, Kuronue nodded. "I've lived with them my whole life. It's...who I am."

He wasn't sure he wanted to go into all the details of why he was the way he was with Kusuriyuri. It had been...difficult to tell Yukimura, but he'd felt that he'd deserved to know. With Kusuriyuri it would be a little harder. Kurama was aware if his history, but he didn't think Kurama would have told him.

He frowned. "But." He rubbed at his face. "I don't want to bite Yukimura's fingers off in my sleep or something. or whomever else I happen to fall asleep around."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"And you fear losing part of yourself if you are healed?" Kusuriyuri asked. "That the nightmares are needed?" He was aware of the hesitation and having Yukimura approach him first caused him to believe that Kuronue was far more reluctant than he wanted to admit; that the only reason he came was that he didn't want to hurt his lover.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

He frowned again, leaned forward and looked at his hands as he rested them in his lap. "That's a little sick, isn't it? To want to be ill and to be afraid not to be?"

He shook his head slowly. "I don't want to...change. I don't want Yukimura not to love me, even though I know the times I went through are why I'm afraid of losing him in the first place. And why I fuck everything with legs. To not think. To not remember."

He looked up at Kusuriyuri and narrowed his eyes a little as gaze drifted in thought. "It's a endless loop."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"If it is all you have known, then change would be difficult." After a pause, Kusuriyuri added, "This one does not think that the samurai's feelings for you will change. He is aware that your relationship may change, that things may become different, but he cares for you deeply or he would not have suggested this. He would rather you be well and sound than to do something that may cause regret," he said, his words slow as though he were reading them from something within.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue gave Kusuriyuri a smile. "I think I'm just anxious, afraid, of the outcome. I hold on to what I have with an iron grip because I know what it's like to have utterly nothing. That much, I think, won't change."

Rubbing at his face again, Kuronue hid behind his hands as he spoke. "Yukimura is disturbed with how possessive I can be. I get violently possessive. If we weren't mates, things I do would have hurt him. If he was any less understanding, accepting of being treated like a doll, a thing, we...well it would be messy." He dropped his hands. "I don't want to teeter on the edge of that anymore."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"You desire healing for your own sake? Not because Yukimura suggested it," this was only a guess, but given what had been said, Kusuriyuri was fairly sure it was accurate, "but because you truly desire to be more whole. It will be difficult and the damage of stopping partway through will be worse than not beginning at all. And, things will not always go as you deem they should." He paused. "There will be times Yukimura will be needed, as well as times Kurama will be needed, but I shall determine those. You will have things that must be done between meetings, as well. Will you commit yourself to this?"

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Well, this sounded like a rather large undertaking. Now that it was real, a possibility of actually happening, physical, he was intimidated. It had turned from a far off mountain to a very close, imminent one.

Still, he nodded. "For myself and Yukimura, yeah. I will commit. I don't go back on decisions easy."

And honestly he was curious on how exactly they were going to go about this.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri nodded. "Then, tell this one of the nightmares that prevent you from recognizing Yukimura though he carries enough of your youki to cause the wards to react," he said, his tone gentle but firm.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Ah.

It was harder to vocalise it rather than just show Kusuriyuri. Kuronue swallowed thickly and looked down at his hands in his lap again.

He didn't want to. They were private.

"They're memories, mostly. About being back in the whorehouses again. Nn-..." He stopped talking for a moment rather than having his voice waver. He frowned a little in frustration. "Nanosuke takes me away from here and cages me up again, and I can never see Yukimura again. I struggle and fight as much as I can but I'm drugged too much to be able to do anything of much use."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

The difficulty talking wasn't lost on Kusuriyuri, but he had his reasons for making Kuronue talk first. He knew, as did Yukimura, that turning to sex was a way of hiding from what was there. "How does Nanosuke keep Yukimura away? He was very determined to regain you once he knew you were lost to him."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue looked up at Kusuriyuri and shook his head. "I don't know, it's just a dream. I've always had dreams about ending up back there. Once it would have been Kurama I was torn away from, or it was Kurama who put me there. I had one like that about Yukimura too, once."

His mouth was filled with an awful taste. It was bad enough he had to see these things when he slept, bringing them all to the forefront of his mind while he was awake instead of just referencing them as he did with Yukimura was...annoying. Not fun. He started to fidget. He wanted to do something other than just talk.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue returned to Kusuriyuri the day after he'd fallen asleep in the boat with Kusuriyuri, thinking that they would likely want some time together before he returned. He went hunting for Kusuriyuri in their apartment, thinking it was more of a nicer environment than in his office.

once again he didn't knock on the door, simply just let himself in. "Kusuriyuri?" he called.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri had been in the kitchen making tea when Kuronue arrived. The cats, not being involved in pouring hot water over tea leaves, went out to greet their friend first. "Please come in," he called over his shoulder, pulling down another cup.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Closing the door behind him, he made his way to the kitchen, pointedly ignoring the cats as they milled around his legs and brushed against them. He wasn't wearing shoes, again, so he could feel their fur as he nudged them away. "Your cats are masochistic, I think," he said, staring down at them when he reached the doorway to the kitchen.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"They find you interesting because you do not give them attention," Kusuriyuri said solemnly. "They desire what they cannot have." He turned to face Kuronue. "I am glad that you have come again. Today's session will be different from the last. First, we will talk over tea, then we will continue," he said.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue made a face, "And that's different how?"

Nudging the cats away once more, he stepped up to the bench to help Kusuriyuri with the tea.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"We shall only talk of what has occurred the past two days and then I will focus on redirecting the flow of your energy," Kusuriyuri replied. He poured the tea into cups. "This time, I will not draw you with me to watch unless you truly wish to. After, you will still need to continue to work on clearing the debris we saw last time, but that will not be my focus this time."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

"Right," he said, smiling a little. "When I left here I felt a little different, and it was fine with Yukimura, but then I went to see Kurama and I think all I managed to do was make us both feel terrible..."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Leading Kuronue into the living room, Kusuriyuri asked, "Felt different? And, while I do not need details, how were things fine with Yukimura?" he asked. The conflict with Kurama could wait a few minutes before they discussed it.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

"Well..." He scratched his temple as he carried his cup into the living room, sat on that couch that had quite a few memories attached to it by now. "We hadn't tried anything like that before..." He smiled at Kusuriyuri.

Amusingly, this was a hell of a lot easier for him to talk about. "Before we just had sex and then what I thought was making love." He shook his head. "I've misunderstood a lot of things, but that, that's something I don't want to forget, or unlearn. I'm...I haven't felt anything so emotional before. I mean, I cried."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"Good," Kusuriyuri said gently. "Then you have made progress. Unlearning your prior actions can be difficult. Learning the benefits of new behaviors helps." He took a sip of tea. "You did not try to escape, to hide from yourself or him?"

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue went to speak, then paused. "No, I don't think so. I mean, my head was so muddled I didn't want to talk about things all that much, but I did tell him about what I'd discovered while I was with you..." He turned his cup in his hands.

"That's not hiding, is it?"

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

After a moment of thought, "No, I do not think so. You admitted what was in your mind and did not use sex to escape it, just to clarify things in your mind, to understand as much as you can at this moment?" he asked, making sure he was understanding Kuronue correctly. "And, how did Yukimura accept this?"