Journey into Recovery ((Sock, RP, Kusuriyuri, Yukimura, Kuronue))

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

What god-modding there is has been approved. Topic and action likely to wander to NSFW areas and possibly triggery.

It had taken him longer to recover than he expected, but Kusuriyuri had finally convinced Kurama that he was well enough to return to his office for the day. He had almost had to threaten his lover with wards to make Kurama go to the greenhouses. He was just finishing preparing to leave when there was a soft knock at the door. Frowning at the wards that thought about identifying the presence as Kuronue but wouldn't commit, Kusuriyuri opened the door, not surprised the knocker was Yukimura, though he was surprised to see the samurai.

"I am sorry to bother you so early," Yukimura said, bowing. "As well as at your home, but I have something I wish to speak with you about in private."

Kusuriyuri tilted his head and looked at Yukimura. A contented exhaustion overlayed a deeper sense of concern. He returned the bow and stepped back. "Please, come in. Good morning." He wondered how long Yukimura had been waiting to be sure Kurama had left for the day.

Yukimura smiled as he walked past the peddler, stepping out of his shoes easily before entering the main portion of the house. "Good morning and thank you for your indulgence."

Kusuriyuri led Yukimura to the living room and gestured for him to take a seat. He watched while the samurai knelt between the couch and the table. Kusuriyuri knelt opposite him and waited.

Boukensha crawled into Kusuriyuri's lap and Belophoebe sniffed at Yukimura before hopping up on the couch behind his head, turning to deliberately ignore him except for her tail that draped over his shoulder.

Yukimura reached up and brushed her tail, causing ti to twitch and then settle again on his shoulder. "First, I want to thank you for everything you have done for us, Kuronue and myself. Words only are not enough."

"You have done much for us, as well," Kusuriyuri murmured. He knew that Yukimura's relationship with Kurama and Kuronue helped the fox in many ways.

A smile crossed Yukimura's lips. "I also know that we are far more in your debt." He reached up and caressed Bel's tail, amusement in his features as her tail flicked around his neck, lingering, before settling on his shoulder again. His expression sobered as his hand settled in his lap. "And I am here to place myself more in your debt."

While it was expected, Kusuriyuri's eyebrow went up. "This one does not consider you in his debt," he said formally. "As to your request, this one is a medicine peddler."

"True, but as to whether what I ask is within your trade..." Yukimura protested, his hand coming up to caress Bel's tail again.

"Ease your mind, then, and make your request," Kusuriyuri suggested after watching Yukimura pet the cat's tail a long moment.

Sighing, Yukimura said, "It is a difficult thing, but Kuronue did agree to this." He looked at Kusuriyuri. "Kuronue is still having nightmares. He doesn't always recognize me when I try to soothe or wake him. While he has only snarled at me in his sleep, this is a newer development and I would not care to see it become worse."

Kusuriyuri bowed to Yukimura. "This is a difficult thing," he murmured.

Nodding, Yukimura continued, "And, neither of us is used to asking for help. But, I do not wish to have you obliged, either. I remember that thing Apos threw at you."

"Once this one's body accepted it, it has ceased to be a problem." Nor would it be one in the future with Apos trapped in the sinning tree.

"That is good to hear. I would not want you to come to permanent harm." There was genuine relief in the samurai's voice.

"What is it that you would ask of this one?" Kusuriyuri asked. "What you have said does sound as though it would be within the scope of a medicine peddler."

"It is more complex than that," Yukimura said carefully. "To allow himself to be open enough, he needs more than I am able to give him."

Kusuriyuri frowned slightly. "More?"

"Yes," Yukimura nodded. "Violence and sex are very closely tied in his mind. I tend to be more gentle unless he provokes me, and even then, I am not as harsh as he desires sometimes. But, when he receives such treatment, his mind is more open."

"Is that so?" Kusuriyuri murmured. "That may be why Akabane affected him so deeply."

A wry expression crossed Yukimura's face, his eyes hardening. "Perhaps, but we both would like him to reach a level of peace rather than just burying his heart again. I would rather he healed."

The image of Ro impinged on Kusuriyuri's mind. He'd kept his distance but he had seen how very weak and injured that part of Kuronue's mind had been. "Healing cannot be forced," he said carefully.

"I know. I also am aware that things between us may change. I also know that things may become worse before they improve." Yukimura held up his hand. "I trust and respect your judgement, both in regard to whether you'll accept and what you tell Kurama. If you will not, there will be nothing more spoken of this."

Kusuriyuri was silent a long moment, stroking Boukensha as he thought. "I would speak with Kuronue alone first," he said slowly. While he understood why Yukimura approached him—things between him and Kuronue were still somewhat awkward despite the recent changes in their relationship—he needed to know this was truly what Kuronue wanted, that he was prepared.

"Of course," Yukimura said. His eyes went unfocused for a moment and he rose. "He will be here soon," he said, bowing. "Thank you."

Kusuriyuri rose before returning the bow. "It is what is done," he said as Yukimura walked to the hall.

"By some," Yukimura said, turning as he stepped into his shoes. "Those who are indeed worthy of regard," he added with a bow, stepping out of the door.

Comments

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

He was trying to sort suspicion from the rut of thinking that others always had reasons for liking him. Only this time it wasn't about sex, but the kimono and other gifts he gave her. He was struggling enough that he couldn't quite contribute to their conversation as well as he hoped.

Lapse in memory was a consequence.

Kuronue looked at Yukimura, reached to tilt his lover's head up. Are you sure? Am I not just someone she's in debt to, and must treat kindly because I pay her in goods?

"Ah," he said aloud, eyes a little glazed. "I apologise." The husky tone had turned a little hoarse, almost hurt, or like he couldn't breathe. Was this relapse?

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

Yukimura let the towel fall around Kuroue's shoulders, taking his lover's cheeks in his hands. I am sure. I've seen her with other clients, those who pay for her time often, but are not her danna, are not you. She treats them kindly, but you, she goes out of her way to be with. "Mame-chan, did your Okaasan give you problems about our time?" he asked.

Mamechiho blushed a little. "She was not pleased when I told her I wished to be with Kuronue-sama as long as he was here. But, I have missed Kuronue-sama, so I insisted," she said.

"The others, do you miss them?" Yukimura asked.

"Others? Other than the two of you?" She paused, blushing a little more. "They are just clients. They only receive what time they pay for," she admitted softly.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue stood, a little wide eyed. He took a deep breath, almost a gasp. It was raspy and thick. "But-..." But-...

There were so many 'but's he couldn't really say them. Besides, he'd paid for this hadn't he? He'd just given her two kimono worth more than a night's pay, more than all of the girls who had been here with them pay too.

His hands were shaking, and so he gripped at the towel that had slipped to cradle Yukimura's waist.

"Am I...worthy of being called Kuronue-sama...?" It almost sounded like a foreign name. "I have...come from the worst--of places." He was swapping between languages, though in his mind he was speaking Japanese. In the end all it is is lies. In the end the world is driven by one thing, and one thing only. This human society, it's crawling with it. Most of the customers he'd had in the whorehouse--that spot of mould--were humans after all.

"Demons, might be tough---But humans--are crueller..."

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

"I...do not know where you have come from," Mame-chan said softly. "I know that I think of Kuronue when he is not here, that I am concerned when he does not come and sends Yukimura in his stead. I know that I only desire sex with Kuronue and Yukimura and Kanae." She pressed her cheek to his back, between his wings. "I do not know if that is cruel, but it is what I believe, how I feel."

She speaks her heart, he said gently, wrapping his arms around the both of them. "Mame-chan has had other offers to consider for a danna, but has only accepted yours."

"I...would not want to be cruel," Mame-chan whispered. "I would not lie to you, Kuronue-sama."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue sighed, and bolted his eyes closed. It was like he was struggling to walk out of the ocean as the tide was pulling him back out. The illness was pulling him back in.

He tried to step to the side, mentally, and just...hold some form of sanity for a moment. Some sort of level ground. He felt like he needed to find Kusuriyuri, cling to him and beg for his help, for Yukimura's help. He was slipping.

"I'm sorry, Mamechiho. I do adore you. I don't think so low of you, to think that you would lie to me." It was almost difficult to get the words out, felt more and more like he was speaking a lie. "I just... I couldn't see you, before, because I was...something happened, and I became ill."

He remembered Kusuriyuri telling him to not avoid it. He wasn't avoiding it this time, he just didn't want to have Mamechiho see how shameful he was.

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

"Yukimura-san told me you were ill," she said softly. "And, I was so pleased to see you, to see that you looked well."

I'm here, Yukimura said gently. I will be here. I will not leave.

"It's okay if you're not fully well again. You can take as long as you need. But, I was so happy to see you. I am so happy to see you."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Yes. Yukimura would never leave him, that much he was confident of. Kusuriyuri, Kurama, and oddly enough Mello too. They would be there always, Ro knew that.

"I'm sorry," he said, letting his head fall forward onto Yukimura's shoulder. His hair was still wet, Yukimura's too, and it was cold now. Was Yukimura cold? "I didn't mean to--" to slip?

He needed to sit. "I need to sit." Sit, please. I just...I want to sleep and not think. If I stay awake I don't trust myself to not--to not shatter.

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

Yukimura helped Kuronue down, holding his lover in his lap.

Mamechiho wrapped their towels around them and whispered, "There is no need to apologize." She rose. "I will get more towels." When Yukimura looked at her, she seemed a bit shaken.

Stay with me, love. I will hold you, Yukimura promised. He was somewhat aware of what Kusuriyuri had been working on with Kuronue. I will not leave you. I will keep the pieces together, if you do, but don't leave.

Mame-chan brought back a stack of towels and wrapped them both in them, even their hair. "If it is not enough, there are blankets, too," she added.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

He curled around Yukimura, crawling into his lap, trying to be as close to him mentally and physically. That would help him heal, he thought. When Mamechiho came close, he took her hand and drew her down, being a little more reckless, less smooth, than he usually would be when dealing with her. "It's fine," he said, looking at her from the corner of his eyes, not wanting to lift his head from Yukimura's shoulder. I'm staying. I don't want to leave. I want to go home.

Stay. Go. He got confused for a second, found himself gripping Mamechiho far to tight. He released her. "Knock me out, please," he begged. Take me home, knock me out. I want to be in our room. In our bed.

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

"I will not," Yukimura said gently. "Mame-chan, that thing, did you bring it?"

"Yes," she replied, making no move to get it just yet. She wrapped her arms around Kuronue as well as she could. "It's okay to be afraid," she said. "We sill not hold it against you. We will hold you instead," she said.

"Let us be here a few minutes, just like this. If you still wish to return, we can use the portkey from here," Yukimura said gently. "But, I will not knock you out."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

"Thing?" he asked, voice a little distant.

Only a temporary distraction, curiosity being one of his main drives was enough to keep him above it all. They were both warm against him, and it was nice, but he whimpered a little when Yukimura refused to knock him out. "Why?" he asked, shuddering a little and squeezing his eyes closed.

I don't want to be here, I don't want to deal with this. There was no where safe here, he wanted to go home. There wasn't any safe places he could go in his head either, no behaviours to fall back on.

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

"Because you have worked so hard that I will not threaten that," Yukimura said gently. I am here. Let me help. Let me hold you together. Together, we can face it, whatever it is, he said, his voice gentle and firm.

"The thing that brought you here," Mame-chan said softly. "I brought it here. Yukimura-san told me about it before. It's why I wasn't surprised to see you arrive."

"I am here, with you," Yukimura whispered, his lips against Kuronue's ear, repeating the reassurance along their bond as well. He moved his fingers against Kuronue's mark, offering that reassurance of his presence as well.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Oh. It would be escape too, wouldn't it? To ask to be unconscious. He couldn't even do it himself.

He turned his face into Yukimura's neck, until his lips were resting against Yukimura's mark. Inside, he crawled as close as he could, wrapped it up in their bond and Yukimura's reassurances. It didn't make him completely free, but like this he could at least rest a bit enough to sag against Yukimura and sigh in something like relief.

Yukimura was here, he was fine. Mamechiho cared for him, it was something he hadn't known before, that she'd refused others but he, Yukimura and Kanae. Together.

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

Yes, together, Yukimura whispered, wrapping himself around his lover.

Mame-chan continued to hold them both, crooning gently an old lullaby that Yukimura remembered, though the words she half-said were different from the ones he remembered. He hummed the melody with her, though, rocking them gently in rhythm.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

It was strange to be sung to like that, something that had never been done for him before. It was only humming, but there was a sweetness to it, and that they both knew the melody was something he faintly found interesting. It was a normal thought that he was pleased to have, wanted more like that instead of being inundated with self berating thoughts and doubt.

Yes. Strange and nice. He took a breath and sighed it out, feeling it becoming easier and easier to bear.

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

Yukimura could feel Kuronue's mind easing, could feel his body relaxing. He looked at Mame-chan, seeing that her expression looked relieved a little and was glad for it. They continued humming their song, her sometimes adding words, he rocking them. It wasn't over yet, they knew that, and both were determined to see Kuronue through, in their own way.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Just remaining like this, focusing on Yukimura and Mamechiho was nice. Like a relief. He didn't move, mentally, from the state where he focused most of his attention on being protected from himself by their energy and love, however. Not just yet. He wasn't sure he could.

Suddenly he just felt very, very tired. Not physically, but mentally. He just wanted this to be over. It had been going so well, hadn't it? What had changed? What had set him off?

Mamechiho. She was what had set him off. Calling him Kuronue-sama. Did he think he didn't deserve it? To be looked up to? No. He didn't. He didn't think he was a good role-model, or someone worthy of being a higher station and deserving as much love as she did.

Why was something she can't quite answer at the moment. Lacked the ability to be objective about his past and himself to that degree.

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

My love, Yukimura began softly, you have become more than you were. I believe if she knew all that you had struggled through recently, she would look up to you more. It was the only phrase he could catch in Kuronue's mind clearly, so it was the one he responded to. You have fought, struggled, admitted you needed help and worked with the peddler, something that I know was not easy for you, to get to where you are now. Most would not have even begun the journey, preferring to remain bound, regardless of the consequences. He cuddled Kuronue, more mentally than physically, letting the impression that he was impressed by Kuronue's determination to heal, to grow.

"Would you like tea?" Mame-chan asked softly. "When you are ready to move, of course," she added, not moving away just yet.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue hummed. "That would be nice," he murmured, lips moving against Yukimura's throat as he spoke. You think so?

She was kind. He thought that, perhaps, maybe this wasn't something that was to good to be true. Not another cruel joke in a long line of many. He deserved something good, didn't he? He'd been doing so well, after all.

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

You still are doing well, Yukimura thought, catching just the last part of that last thought. And, yes, I do think so. I cannot lie to you this way, not that I would with my mouth, either. I asked you only for honesty when we began our relationship, offering only that in return. I maintain that offer; all I ask and all I offer is honesty. He moved his finger against Kuronue's mark, willing to soothe his lover, to ease his mind, to guide him to the realization he was coming to the way one helped a young child walk when their legs were still unsteady. Kuronue had made a lot of progress, especially recently, but it was still new progress and he was still learning to be well.

"Then, when you are ready, I will make tea. Kanae is finishing breakfast for us." She paused a moment. "I thank you for coming, for allowing me to be here for you," she added formally.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

He hummed against the touch to his mark, leaning into it a little, back into Mamechiho. His eyes were still closed, but his expression had gone from tense to relaxed, along with the rest of his body. I do trust you to be honest, he said, a little ashamed that he'd ever thought otherwise.

"Thank you for accepting me, Mamechiho. I've known humans in the past who would have been terrified at the idea of...well, a demon. And a samurai is a bit strange too." They were both strange, displaced in times and worlds.

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

"Maybe because I came to know you first," Mame-chan said. "I knew you before I learned that you were a demon, so it was only something else to know about you," she added slowly, thoughtfully. "And, in this world now, a geisha is as strange as a samurai. We are both from a time remembered, are we not?"

"Indeed," Yukimura said, amusement rippling gently through his voice. I know you do, but sometimes the pain is too loud to remember, he added gently. Do not be ashamed, he added, brushing a mental kiss along Kuronue's lips.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue shifted enough to press his own fingers to his lips and smiled a little. The kiss was nice, the assurances soothing. After a moment, he drew in a breth and sighed it out, carefully extracted himself from where he'd nestled himself deep in Yukimura's energy. He didn't instantly loose his mind, something which he'd been fearing.

"Thank you, both. I think I'm okay now." Tea and some clothes would be nice. Food too.

[elegantsamurai.livejournal.com]

I'm still here, and we can visit the peddler when we return, if you'd like, Yukimura said softly. "I think, after we eat, we'll leave from here, if you do not mind, Mame-chan."

"I do not mind, nor will Kanae. Please, do not stay away so long?" she said, a trace of anxiety in her voice. "Even if it is just to visit for tea and maybe a meal, I would like to see you."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

That would be wise, I think, he said, lifting his head from Yukimura's shoulder.

"I promise, Mamechiho. We'll be back. It won't be as long as last time before we do, I do." He thought that he needed to put in a bit more face time to please her okasaan anyway.