Journey into Recovery ((Sock, RP, Kusuriyuri, Yukimura, Kuronue))

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

What god-modding there is has been approved. Topic and action likely to wander to NSFW areas and possibly triggery.

It had taken him longer to recover than he expected, but Kusuriyuri had finally convinced Kurama that he was well enough to return to his office for the day. He had almost had to threaten his lover with wards to make Kurama go to the greenhouses. He was just finishing preparing to leave when there was a soft knock at the door. Frowning at the wards that thought about identifying the presence as Kuronue but wouldn't commit, Kusuriyuri opened the door, not surprised the knocker was Yukimura, though he was surprised to see the samurai.

"I am sorry to bother you so early," Yukimura said, bowing. "As well as at your home, but I have something I wish to speak with you about in private."

Kusuriyuri tilted his head and looked at Yukimura. A contented exhaustion overlayed a deeper sense of concern. He returned the bow and stepped back. "Please, come in. Good morning." He wondered how long Yukimura had been waiting to be sure Kurama had left for the day.

Yukimura smiled as he walked past the peddler, stepping out of his shoes easily before entering the main portion of the house. "Good morning and thank you for your indulgence."

Kusuriyuri led Yukimura to the living room and gestured for him to take a seat. He watched while the samurai knelt between the couch and the table. Kusuriyuri knelt opposite him and waited.

Boukensha crawled into Kusuriyuri's lap and Belophoebe sniffed at Yukimura before hopping up on the couch behind his head, turning to deliberately ignore him except for her tail that draped over his shoulder.

Yukimura reached up and brushed her tail, causing ti to twitch and then settle again on his shoulder. "First, I want to thank you for everything you have done for us, Kuronue and myself. Words only are not enough."

"You have done much for us, as well," Kusuriyuri murmured. He knew that Yukimura's relationship with Kurama and Kuronue helped the fox in many ways.

A smile crossed Yukimura's lips. "I also know that we are far more in your debt." He reached up and caressed Bel's tail, amusement in his features as her tail flicked around his neck, lingering, before settling on his shoulder again. His expression sobered as his hand settled in his lap. "And I am here to place myself more in your debt."

While it was expected, Kusuriyuri's eyebrow went up. "This one does not consider you in his debt," he said formally. "As to your request, this one is a medicine peddler."

"True, but as to whether what I ask is within your trade..." Yukimura protested, his hand coming up to caress Bel's tail again.

"Ease your mind, then, and make your request," Kusuriyuri suggested after watching Yukimura pet the cat's tail a long moment.

Sighing, Yukimura said, "It is a difficult thing, but Kuronue did agree to this." He looked at Kusuriyuri. "Kuronue is still having nightmares. He doesn't always recognize me when I try to soothe or wake him. While he has only snarled at me in his sleep, this is a newer development and I would not care to see it become worse."

Kusuriyuri bowed to Yukimura. "This is a difficult thing," he murmured.

Nodding, Yukimura continued, "And, neither of us is used to asking for help. But, I do not wish to have you obliged, either. I remember that thing Apos threw at you."

"Once this one's body accepted it, it has ceased to be a problem." Nor would it be one in the future with Apos trapped in the sinning tree.

"That is good to hear. I would not want you to come to permanent harm." There was genuine relief in the samurai's voice.

"What is it that you would ask of this one?" Kusuriyuri asked. "What you have said does sound as though it would be within the scope of a medicine peddler."

"It is more complex than that," Yukimura said carefully. "To allow himself to be open enough, he needs more than I am able to give him."

Kusuriyuri frowned slightly. "More?"

"Yes," Yukimura nodded. "Violence and sex are very closely tied in his mind. I tend to be more gentle unless he provokes me, and even then, I am not as harsh as he desires sometimes. But, when he receives such treatment, his mind is more open."

"Is that so?" Kusuriyuri murmured. "That may be why Akabane affected him so deeply."

A wry expression crossed Yukimura's face, his eyes hardening. "Perhaps, but we both would like him to reach a level of peace rather than just burying his heart again. I would rather he healed."

The image of Ro impinged on Kusuriyuri's mind. He'd kept his distance but he had seen how very weak and injured that part of Kuronue's mind had been. "Healing cannot be forced," he said carefully.

"I know. I also am aware that things between us may change. I also know that things may become worse before they improve." Yukimura held up his hand. "I trust and respect your judgement, both in regard to whether you'll accept and what you tell Kurama. If you will not, there will be nothing more spoken of this."

Kusuriyuri was silent a long moment, stroking Boukensha as he thought. "I would speak with Kuronue alone first," he said slowly. While he understood why Yukimura approached him—things between him and Kuronue were still somewhat awkward despite the recent changes in their relationship—he needed to know this was truly what Kuronue wanted, that he was prepared.

"Of course," Yukimura said. His eyes went unfocused for a moment and he rose. "He will be here soon," he said, bowing. "Thank you."

Kusuriyuri rose before returning the bow. "It is what is done," he said as Yukimura walked to the hall.

"By some," Yukimura said, turning as he stepped into his shoes. "Those who are indeed worthy of regard," he added with a bow, stepping out of the door.

Comments

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

That hurt, and it snapped him out of it, but it only added to the vortex of confusion and pain. He couldn't think clearly. "No, I..."

He pointed at Kusuriyuri. "Fuck you. Shut up. Just." He pressed his fingers to his temples, wincing.

He needed to get out of here.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"Then, admit the truth. From there, we can begin what needs to be done, but you must admit what happened," Kusuriyuri said, his voice gentler, though still stern.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue's legs buckled and he fell to his hands and knees. He was accepting it wasn't he? He'd been dealing with it his whole life. He'd said it before. Why was it so hard now?

He'd been...

He'd been raped. Over and over.

He knew that. He damned well knew that. Saying it to Yukimura, it had been fine. But to Kusuriyuri...somehow it was more true? More true?

"I was..." Say it. "Raped." Say it. "By Mother, Nanosuke," and the others, "Tokaiji, Hei, Sou," he couldn't remember the others, "Kurama, Akabane..."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"It takes more courage and strength to admit that, to face it, than to face a hoard," Kusuriyuri said, his voice soft as he knelt next to Kuronue. "You did nothing to deserve such treatment," he continued.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

"I was bread into it," he said, decisive. He'd accepted a long time ago that he couldn't have simply chose to be brought up any other way. It had been written before he'd spoken his first words.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

Kusuriyuri frowned. "You did nothing to deserve such treatment," he said again, his tone a little more firm. "You are not at fault for the actions of those who raped you."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

"I know," he said, shifting to sit, then flop onto his back on the floor. "Doesn't make me instantaneously feel better. Is this what you're going to do? Argue me into being well?"

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"That is not what this one's purpose is," Kusuriyuri said. "It is important that your beliefs about what happened to you are in alignment with the truth in order to be sure that you heal properly."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

He was silent for a while, then nodded. "Alright, that I can see that." He hadn't really healed at all. Just let it scab over precariously.

"My wings aren't meant to be this small, you know. They're stunted. From the cages in the slaveries..." That he'd accepted last time when his wing had gotten hurt by Ulquiorra.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"You resent this?" Kusuriyuri asked, though he knew it was the truth. "And this resentment blocks the flow of your energy."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

"Of course I resent it. What am I meant to do, love them for it?" Kuronue pushed himself up enough to be able to glare at Kusuriyuri. "I accepted it a long time ago. Doesn't mean I'm happy about it though."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"This one would not suggest that. But, again, this one must also be sure of where we are beginning to be sure what path needs to be taken," Kusuriyuri said. "There was a great blockage of energy in the area of your wings," he added by way of explanation.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

"Still?" he asked, looking a little concerned. He curled them around himself, one laying over the other to help the weaker one so he could see the place where the hole had once been and where there were still holes and scars.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"This one does not think it has never not been there," Kusuriyuri said slowly. "This one thinks that part of what needs to be healed is not only the pain of being raped, but that you resent what you are, as well." He reached out and touched the largest scar gently. "This one thinks that when your mind is healed, your body will heal, as well."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

The the scar on the membrane was utterly dead, so he only felt the pressure instead of the light tingle of something nice he tended to get from light touches. He nudged Kusuriyuri's hand a little, wanting to unfurl his wings. "I like being a demon," he said softly. "I just don't like that I'm so shit at it. I don't have a human body as an excuse like Kurama."

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"Do we need to begin again?" Kusuriyuri asked. "You resent that which you are." He returned his hand to his lap. "Not physically, but what you are. There is little in your mind that you deem worthy," he said gently.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

his wings went back behind his back and he looked over at Kusuriyuri for a moment, then the floor. "Yeah, that's true."

He was silent for a moment. "I hate myself, so why should anyone else like me?"

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"Now we have reached the point where we may begin," Kusuriyuri said, his tone gentle. "The first thing is to find one trait, one thing, that is worthy of the affection you inspire."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Affection he inspires? Ha. "I fuck good, I know that much. Otherwise I wouldn't focus so much on it," he said, since it was the first thing that came to mind.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"You think so little of us?" Kusuriyuri said archly. He reached out and thwapped Kuronue's nose, much the way he would with Kurama. "Think properly."

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

"What the--" he flinched back and stared wide-eyed at Kusuriyuri, utterly shocked that he'd do something like that.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"Think properly. Why is it that Yukimura and Mello and Kurama and myself think fondly of you. This one knows that you have not fucked Mello and this one was fond of you before, despite yourself. Answer properly." Kusuriyuri arched an eyebrow at Kuronue, daring him to say something stupid again.

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

"Buh," was all he could manage for a while, along with a few blinks. This was a different side of Kusuriyuri. He figured he was allowed to be a little shocked.

"Uh. I don't know. I'm witty?" Lame. But he kind of thought so. Was maybe just a little proud of it.

[edomedpeddler.livejournal.com]

"Saa," Kusuriyuri said blandly. "Think on it more. For now, will you allow this one within your mind?"

[prettypendulum.livejournal.com]

Kuronue deflated a little. Kusuriyuri didn't think he was funny?

"Sure," he said. The other time Kusuriyuri had been respectful enough, and he found all this mind stuff...well, interesting. Not that he remembered half of it, just was different and knew certain truths he didn't before every time someone went in.