::Closed RP for L and Near::

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

With Mello out, the room was quiet.

Not that Near objected. In fact, it was something of a relief. His feelings for Mello were strong and complicated, and having a bit of a break to read some of the many tomes on magic he'd taken from the library was extremely welcome.

Or, as he was doing now, to practice some of the exercises therein.

Just now, for instance, he was levitating the pillows, making them whirl and dance in a circle over his head. It was like juggling without using his hands... tricky, and perhaps not terribly useful just yet, but oh, it could lead to useful applications indeed.

Comments

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

There's a polite knock at the door.

Firm, relatively quiet. Obviously not Mello. A little too patient to be Matt.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near's not really expecting anyone, so he carefully lowers the cushions and moves away from the window to a more defensible position.

"Yes?"

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

L opens it slowly, and slips through, padding barefoot.

"Near. Do you have a moment to talk?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

L... well, that's not a complete surprise, not if he'd thought of it consciously, but since L was first a distant role model and then a very dead one, it's slightly disconcerting to have him show up on one's doorstep.

"Of course. Are you settling in well?"

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"I certainly am. Mello is out, for the moment?"

That suits L just fine, he just wants to double check.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

A nod. "Attending to his own projects, I'm sure." Or more likely, talking to Matt. Which is only fair; he'd yelled at both of them.

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"That is what I wanted to talk to you about."

He cocks his head to one side.

"I have only been here a few days, and I already hear stories of riding crops."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near's hand flew instantly and guiltily to his still-chafed throat, and he could feel his cheeks redden.

I need to break myself of that.

Of course L would know that he and Mello were... well, whatever it was they were. Involved. They shared a room and a bed; even a child could surmise that.

And rumors were inevitable. Damn it.

"Ah. Yes, Mello was rather impetuous when he arrived here."

Which was a delicate way of saying 'accosted me for borderline-nonconsensual public sex', but not a dishonest assessment.

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"It is in Mello's nature to be impetuous. It is something about him that will never change. Just as it is in your nature to forgive him for it."

L read every psychological work up of these two up until they were nine, and had a part in deciding how things would go from then on after.

L knows.

"I just want to make sure that you are alright."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Oh, god, how to respond to that? Near was disgusted with himself when he realized how good it felt to be asked. When had he ever needed a confidante?

"I am... adjusting. Although I will say that it seems well worth the adjustment."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Mello's personality is practically a force of nature. But Near, so is your intellect. Your voice should not be smothered by this."

He clears his throat.

"I mean, no more than you decide you need. You have it in you to adapt to most anything; but do you want to?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Everything about Mello is a force of nature, really." Near was only a little surprised to notice that he was smiling faintly. "And it is somewhat disconcerting to find myself... craving such a force. It is something like embracing a tornado at times."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"And as dangerous. May I sit?"

He doesn't want him to feel like he's invading, but he doesn't want him to feel like this is going to be a short conversation, either. He doesn't intend it to be.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Since it's L, after all, Near resumed his place on the windowseat and gestured toward the bed. "Make yourself at home, by all means."

Really, they should get a chair or two in here.

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

L perches gracefully on the edge of the bed, and tucks his knees up, wrapping an arm loosely around them.

"It started here, I take it?"

It's a quiet invitation to talk.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Here as in at Hogwarts, yes. Before that, there wasn't anyone... I hadn't particularly wanted there to be anyone." If he'd really been thinking about it, Near would have been horrified at how easily he was spilling his guts. "It's still rather strange that I do want there to be someone at all... well, Mello specifically. Although perhaps it's not as strange as all that for it to be Mello. We've never been neutral towards each other."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"I see."

Judging by the ages he's pegged them to be. He isn't surprised that Near didn't want there to be anyone; whoever was L wasn't supposed to.

He also isn't surprised that it was Mello that broke past that. Mello seemed to exist to break rules.

"It is natural for human beings to desire companionship, and the interactions between the two of you have always been complex."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Complex, yes. I was able to analyze it before, to decipher his motives, and guess at his actions. Not always precisely, but usually a general idea."

He sighed. "Now... In this area I am having trouble predicting my own actions. It's very frustrating."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"You are inside the problem, so you do not have a clear perspective on it. It is not something you would be used to. Your frustration is understandable."

He starts to chew on the pad of his thumb.

"Are you particularly concerned about his motives?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"His motives?" Laughing to himself, Near tugs at his hair, hard enough to snap a few strands. "I worry about my own. His motives, I can plan for and work around. My own..."

Mello's words: Make love with me.

The tenderness that had been more terrifying than any of the violence between them.

"...my own, I am more concerned about."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"It sounds like you are implying that you do not trust yourself."

A faint note of curiosity slips in to his voice; Near, of all people, it seems to suggest, does not trust himself. How strange.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It's my reactions I distrust... some of the things he says, that he... that we do. It makes me feel..."

Another frustrated sigh, and a conscious decision; to speak candidly. After all, L isn't as blinded by emotion as Near is in this matter, He might have some insight.

"...I might almost say weak, but it does not feel like weakness. In a way I feel protective of him. The idea of being without his company causes feelings of panic. It's distressing."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"You want to protect him, and you want to remain with him. You feel-- not weakness, but upset. Why did you decide that you distrusted these reactions?"

He examines his thumb, for a moment.

"It is expected, to fear the loss of something you value greatly."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It's the unpredictability that I distrust. I should know my own mind. I should control my emotions, not be controlled by them. To feel like this... it's just so alien."

Propping a heel on the windowseat's edge, Near rested his chin on his knee, other leg waving aimlessly in the empty air.

"And yes. I do value him... value us... but that doesn't make it easier to understand."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"I think it is easy to understand. You are two brilliant young minds, who have been at odds all your lives. Who you are has always, in part, been defined by him, and vice versa."

His toes curl.

"Well. Tell me. Did you mourn his death?"