::Closed RP for L and Near::

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

With Mello out, the room was quiet.

Not that Near objected. In fact, it was something of a relief. His feelings for Mello were strong and complicated, and having a bit of a break to read some of the many tomes on magic he'd taken from the library was extremely welcome.

Or, as he was doing now, to practice some of the exercises therein.

Just now, for instance, he was levitating the pillows, making them whirl and dance in a circle over his head. It was like juggling without using his hands... tricky, and perhaps not terribly useful just yet, but oh, it could lead to useful applications indeed.

Comments

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Everything about Mello is a force of nature, really." Near was only a little surprised to notice that he was smiling faintly. "And it is somewhat disconcerting to find myself... craving such a force. It is something like embracing a tornado at times."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"And as dangerous. May I sit?"

He doesn't want him to feel like he's invading, but he doesn't want him to feel like this is going to be a short conversation, either. He doesn't intend it to be.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Since it's L, after all, Near resumed his place on the windowseat and gestured toward the bed. "Make yourself at home, by all means."

Really, they should get a chair or two in here.

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

L perches gracefully on the edge of the bed, and tucks his knees up, wrapping an arm loosely around them.

"It started here, I take it?"

It's a quiet invitation to talk.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Here as in at Hogwarts, yes. Before that, there wasn't anyone... I hadn't particularly wanted there to be anyone." If he'd really been thinking about it, Near would have been horrified at how easily he was spilling his guts. "It's still rather strange that I do want there to be someone at all... well, Mello specifically. Although perhaps it's not as strange as all that for it to be Mello. We've never been neutral towards each other."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"I see."

Judging by the ages he's pegged them to be. He isn't surprised that Near didn't want there to be anyone; whoever was L wasn't supposed to.

He also isn't surprised that it was Mello that broke past that. Mello seemed to exist to break rules.

"It is natural for human beings to desire companionship, and the interactions between the two of you have always been complex."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Complex, yes. I was able to analyze it before, to decipher his motives, and guess at his actions. Not always precisely, but usually a general idea."

He sighed. "Now... In this area I am having trouble predicting my own actions. It's very frustrating."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"You are inside the problem, so you do not have a clear perspective on it. It is not something you would be used to. Your frustration is understandable."

He starts to chew on the pad of his thumb.

"Are you particularly concerned about his motives?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"His motives?" Laughing to himself, Near tugs at his hair, hard enough to snap a few strands. "I worry about my own. His motives, I can plan for and work around. My own..."

Mello's words: Make love with me.

The tenderness that had been more terrifying than any of the violence between them.

"...my own, I am more concerned about."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"It sounds like you are implying that you do not trust yourself."

A faint note of curiosity slips in to his voice; Near, of all people, it seems to suggest, does not trust himself. How strange.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It's my reactions I distrust... some of the things he says, that he... that we do. It makes me feel..."

Another frustrated sigh, and a conscious decision; to speak candidly. After all, L isn't as blinded by emotion as Near is in this matter, He might have some insight.

"...I might almost say weak, but it does not feel like weakness. In a way I feel protective of him. The idea of being without his company causes feelings of panic. It's distressing."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"You want to protect him, and you want to remain with him. You feel-- not weakness, but upset. Why did you decide that you distrusted these reactions?"

He examines his thumb, for a moment.

"It is expected, to fear the loss of something you value greatly."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It's the unpredictability that I distrust. I should know my own mind. I should control my emotions, not be controlled by them. To feel like this... it's just so alien."

Propping a heel on the windowseat's edge, Near rested his chin on his knee, other leg waving aimlessly in the empty air.

"And yes. I do value him... value us... but that doesn't make it easier to understand."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"I think it is easy to understand. You are two brilliant young minds, who have been at odds all your lives. Who you are has always, in part, been defined by him, and vice versa."

His toes curl.

"Well. Tell me. Did you mourn his death?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I think I resented his death. He was, is, so very alive. In his every movement, every expression, every action, you can see the life in him, the fire. And for that to have ceased; I think it angered me somewhat."

Near half-turned his head, glancing toward the window.

"I did think of him, after his death. I think I allowed myself to become nostalgic, to soften his rough edges in my memory. When he arrived here, that rosy memory paled beside the reality. Mello is too vivid for lukewarm remembrances, and his... rash actions... upon our reacquaintance made this very clear."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"It is natural to forgive the dead. And re-experiencing him, and his actions towards you obviously evoked something powerful."

Mello tends to be at the root of such things.

"And now you share a room."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Powerful." His mouth twisted in a wry smirk. "How could my feeling toward him be anything but? He's the only... we were always played off each other, always set against each other. We know each other so well in so many ways, and not at all in others."

It was more than a little troubling.

"We never even discussed sharing a room. It was as if we both just assumed it."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Whatever it is, it is mutual."

L doesn't mention that of course they were played off each other, that as the two best it was obvious from the beginning...

"And knowing that makes you feel...?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

And of course Near knew that, had come to understand it before he was ten and not fully allowed himself to resent it until after Mello's death.

"It... it should make me wary. Suspicious. It is, as you have said, Mello. But I felt... I think what I felt was relieved. Relieved that we would share a room."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"So it is the disconnect between what you think you should feel and what you do that disturbs you. And that is without even discussing the issue of pain."

His tone of voice doesn't change in the slightest.

"How badly does he hurt you?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It disturbs me, really, that I feel anything at all."

Looking away from the window, he studied L's face sharply. "What do you mean by 'hurt'?"

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Why don't you tell me?"

Not an accusation; a slightly wry admission that he really doesn't know the context of the bruises.

"I know that you remain with him, despite or perhaps because of it."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"If you mean. If you mean... sexually." Near spoke slowly and carefully. "I find it reassuring, in a way. It's so very definite, you see. And it gives no room for wandering thoughts."

His voice lowered to whisper-softness. "It's more frightening without it."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"It's alright, Near."

Sex is something people are allowed to be frightened of.

"You feel like it helps you control what you think and feel. Which is something you've already said you were concerned about."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It helps... it helps me not think about what I'm feeling. And it's easier to think about, after."

His gaze drops to the floor as he fights to find words for what he's been trying not to face. "Gentleness makes it to easy to feel... things that are confusing."