::Closed RP for L and Near::

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

With Mello out, the room was quiet.

Not that Near objected. In fact, it was something of a relief. His feelings for Mello were strong and complicated, and having a bit of a break to read some of the many tomes on magic he'd taken from the library was extremely welcome.

Or, as he was doing now, to practice some of the exercises therein.

Just now, for instance, he was levitating the pillows, making them whirl and dance in a circle over his head. It was like juggling without using his hands... tricky, and perhaps not terribly useful just yet, but oh, it could lead to useful applications indeed.

Comments

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"I think it is easy to understand. You are two brilliant young minds, who have been at odds all your lives. Who you are has always, in part, been defined by him, and vice versa."

His toes curl.

"Well. Tell me. Did you mourn his death?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I think I resented his death. He was, is, so very alive. In his every movement, every expression, every action, you can see the life in him, the fire. And for that to have ceased; I think it angered me somewhat."

Near half-turned his head, glancing toward the window.

"I did think of him, after his death. I think I allowed myself to become nostalgic, to soften his rough edges in my memory. When he arrived here, that rosy memory paled beside the reality. Mello is too vivid for lukewarm remembrances, and his... rash actions... upon our reacquaintance made this very clear."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"It is natural to forgive the dead. And re-experiencing him, and his actions towards you obviously evoked something powerful."

Mello tends to be at the root of such things.

"And now you share a room."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Powerful." His mouth twisted in a wry smirk. "How could my feeling toward him be anything but? He's the only... we were always played off each other, always set against each other. We know each other so well in so many ways, and not at all in others."

It was more than a little troubling.

"We never even discussed sharing a room. It was as if we both just assumed it."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Whatever it is, it is mutual."

L doesn't mention that of course they were played off each other, that as the two best it was obvious from the beginning...

"And knowing that makes you feel...?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

And of course Near knew that, had come to understand it before he was ten and not fully allowed himself to resent it until after Mello's death.

"It... it should make me wary. Suspicious. It is, as you have said, Mello. But I felt... I think what I felt was relieved. Relieved that we would share a room."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"So it is the disconnect between what you think you should feel and what you do that disturbs you. And that is without even discussing the issue of pain."

His tone of voice doesn't change in the slightest.

"How badly does he hurt you?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It disturbs me, really, that I feel anything at all."

Looking away from the window, he studied L's face sharply. "What do you mean by 'hurt'?"

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Why don't you tell me?"

Not an accusation; a slightly wry admission that he really doesn't know the context of the bruises.

"I know that you remain with him, despite or perhaps because of it."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"If you mean. If you mean... sexually." Near spoke slowly and carefully. "I find it reassuring, in a way. It's so very definite, you see. And it gives no room for wandering thoughts."

His voice lowered to whisper-softness. "It's more frightening without it."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"It's alright, Near."

Sex is something people are allowed to be frightened of.

"You feel like it helps you control what you think and feel. Which is something you've already said you were concerned about."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It helps... it helps me not think about what I'm feeling. And it's easier to think about, after."

His gaze drops to the floor as he fights to find words for what he's been trying not to face. "Gentleness makes it to easy to feel... things that are confusing."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Are you really that confused by what they are? Or do you not want to admit it?"

Soft, and cautious, not accusing, not even really coaxing.

"You do not have to admit to anything, or share any conclusion you reach, but I think, if you step back, you understand more clearly than you are giving yourself credit for."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I'm not sure if..."

Of course by now, even for him, a word was forming in his mind. A very frightening word.

"...but how would I know?"

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Do you need to? There is no 'certain' in this sort of question, Near. No one suspect to be caught."

He traces his bottom lip thoughtfully with his thumb.

"Please do not confuse unfamiliar with negative. Separate the two within yourself."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"If I... even if I do l- if I do, perhaps telling Mello would be unwise. Would give him too much power over me."

He rubbed the nape of his neck.

"If it impairs my thinking, how is it not negative?"

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"I do not know Mello well enough to say whether that is the case. I hope it is not. My suggestion would be to stay quiet, not from fear, but rather to give him an opportunity to sort through his experiences. Your relationship with him has gone through enough abrupt transitions lately, and such a declaration would no doubt panic him."

And a frightened Mello lashes out hard, and fast. Near should know this by now.

"It is the fear that is impairing your thinking. If you are too nervous to follow thoughts through to their rational conclusions, even about your own emotions, you will not achieve equilibrium."

He leans forwards a little, as he illustrates.

"If you were incapable of thinking rationally about Mello, would you have such concerns as you just expressed?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Some of the things he says..." Again, Mello's words echoed in his head. Make love with me. "In this, he knows more than I do. Is more confident than I am. I'm not sure it wouldn't panic him merely by it being a sign of certainty on my part. It means so much to him, after all, to have the upper hand."

Idly, he combed his fingers through his hair, leaving it hanging loosely in his face.

"I am still not sure that it is rational to even be in this position."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Where do you think that need stems from?"

The hiding behind the hair is rather obvious, but L makes no comment. He can see past it anyways, to the set of Near's shoulders, the line of his mouth.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"He's always wanted to best me. To be best. Not even to have what he strives for, I think... just to have achieved it. I don't think there is such a thing as enough, for him. I don't think being L would have been enough, if it had fallen to him. His reach must alway exceed his grasp."

Behind his curtain of hair, Near smiled. "Without that, he wouldn't be Mello."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"And you said before, that he has more experience here. That this is what he knows. In this manner, he can achieve this goal."

He says this flatly;

"Do you think he wants to surpass you? Or destroy you. Answer with your instincts."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near closed his eyes, trying to figure out what his instincts were in this. In the end, it was Mello's own words that came to him.

You're mine.

"I think he wants to possess me."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"You have surpassed him in many other ways. You survived. You succeeded me. But you have not surpassed him in this."

He is rather pleased that he manages to mention his approaching death so calmly.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I think." A sudden shudder. "I think in this, he is my superior."

God, it was a painful admission.

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Admitting that can not have been easy."

The rivalry is age old, after all.

"But objectively, would it be possible for this to continue if you were his superior in every way? From what you know of Mello's personality.