::Closed RP for L and Near::

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

With Mello out, the room was quiet.

Not that Near objected. In fact, it was something of a relief. His feelings for Mello were strong and complicated, and having a bit of a break to read some of the many tomes on magic he'd taken from the library was extremely welcome.

Or, as he was doing now, to practice some of the exercises therein.

Just now, for instance, he was levitating the pillows, making them whirl and dance in a circle over his head. It was like juggling without using his hands... tricky, and perhaps not terribly useful just yet, but oh, it could lead to useful applications indeed.

Comments

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Does that mean you think he would lie about it? Or that again, you think you cannot trust yourself to?"

His toes flex and curl again.

"Bear in mind the unfamiliar/dangerous distinction."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"If it. If I... if this was just a game to him. Just a way to have power over me. He'd say anything, wouldn't he? But..."

Near buried his face in his hands. "I don't want it to be a lie. Don't want it to be a trick, or a trap. And that is dangerous. Letting my desires blur my thinking."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"If you realize your bias, you will be able to account for it. Continue to observe the situation. If it goes beyond your control, if he hurts you outside of the realm of your consent, or if you merely feel the need to discuss things further, please come to me."

He starts chewing his thumb again.

"And also, while the power dynamics within the bedroom are entirely your own business, please be aware that if he ever raises a hand to you in front of me I will very likely hurt him."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near looked up with a disbelieving grin. "Defending my honor?"

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"No. Establishing boundaries. Whether or not you feel you are inclined to set limits to where and how things occur, I accept what is happening because I believe, in a strange sense, it creates a sort of equality necessary for the two of you to function together. When that balance becomes complete domination, and I begin to see your voice stifled in every day conversation, I will not be particularly tolerant."

He pauses for a second, to try to think of a way to phrase that a little more diplomatically.

"Whether or not you are Nate, you are also Near, who has to be L."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near's spine stiffened at that. "I'm not Nate," he all but spat. "I don't even know who Nate was. How old was I when I came to Wammy's? Two? Three? That was the end of Nate. The beginning of trying to be L. Even once I made it, it was still all trying to be L, living up to being L."

He wasn't aware of having jumped to his feet, or the way he was shaking. "Even knowing who Near is... that's only ever mattered to Mello. Even when he hated me, it was Near he hated. It's Mello who lets me know who Near is."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Whatever name you give it, you are experiencing something new. You described it as unfamiliar, as an unpredictability within your own mind. You are becoming emotional; when was the last time you experienced this sort of outburst? Did you ever, at Wammy's?"

A little shrug.

"Except concerning Mello, of course."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I've never been emotional. It was encouraged, that detachment. It was something I was praised for, raised for."

He was pacing now.

"And it's never been something I've wanted to change. Except for now, except I can't be detached when it's Mello."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Except concerning Mello. And is L investigating him?"

A few more steps, and he hopes that Near will see. That he can have this, and still have L. Personally, he thinks that the emotions come from the 'Nate' part of him, since Near was something created entirely to be L the minute someone glanced at his first test scores.

"Are your dice towers all suddenly lopsided, Near? You deduced who I was from a few sparse files and a poorly sketched image or two."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near whirled on him. "L doesn't waste his time on untangling petty romances. L knows that Mello is a creature of his passions and given to self-indulgence. It isn't L who moans when he's whipped or begs to be fucked."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Near has the relationships he wants to. Near may have his heart broken, and may be whipped and may beg and hurt and like it. Lawliet may care for his- what? Successor? Student? Peer?"

He isn't sure if that name is written anywhere, in a file or on some paper that they forgot to shred. He doesn't care either way. Near has already been trusted with everything else.

"L is larger than the both of them, and will, must exist no matter who cares for whom or fucks or is fucked. As long as that is not lost, then what does it matter what Near wants or risks or needs?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It matters to Mello," Near says, and he's not even sure if he's speaking from certainty or hope. "L does what L must, but it's Near that Mello loves."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Then you will have to be capable of being both."

He takes his thumb out of his mouth, and shrugs lightly.

"I have faith that you are."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It's not being L that is difficult," Near said, acknowledging the praise with a small, sad smile. "Being Near is the uncomfortable part."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Uncomfortable, Near? Or unfamiliar? Remember, that you have been groomed to be L since the outset. Perhaps it is a little uncomfortable, at first, but it is also very new."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Perhaps it is like being born. Although by that analogy, Mello would be the midwife, and the image is a perverse one."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Whether or not your relationship with him goes well, I could not say. He is volatile, Near, you know that. You are both moving very quickly. I hope it does. But even if it does not, Near will still be there. Maybe a little sadder, but not lost. He is only helping to coax you out."

That was... surprisingly tiring. He closes his eyes, momentarily.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I... never would have imagined you concerning yourself with this. Unless it is merely a worry that it might compromise my effectiveness."

Because, really, what else would it be?

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

He opens his eyes and stares at Near, flatly.

"Of course."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It seems... outside your sphere of interests."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"If you are to succeed me, you must be able to at least approximate emotional stability."

What else could it possibly be?

"Since I die soon, and you will be needed, it seemed appropriate."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"My stability wasn't an issue." Agitation eroded what little tact Near possessed. "I succeeded where you failed."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Then I failed."

He climbs to his feet. His knees crack; he's been sitting here too long.

It's difficult to breathe and he isn't sure why.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"My detachment served me well," Near murmured.

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

He has nothing he can think of to say, and he's too shaken to really say goodbye.

He probably could have been twenty, and living under a death sentence, and everything if he was going to pretend it might mean something, but this...

The walk from the bed to the door isn't exactly slow, and he picks up speed quickly as he passes through it.