::Closed RP for L and Near::

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

With Mello out, the room was quiet.

Not that Near objected. In fact, it was something of a relief. His feelings for Mello were strong and complicated, and having a bit of a break to read some of the many tomes on magic he'd taken from the library was extremely welcome.

Or, as he was doing now, to practice some of the exercises therein.

Just now, for instance, he was levitating the pillows, making them whirl and dance in a circle over his head. It was like juggling without using his hands... tricky, and perhaps not terribly useful just yet, but oh, it could lead to useful applications indeed.

Comments

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"It helps... it helps me not think about what I'm feeling. And it's easier to think about, after."

His gaze drops to the floor as he fights to find words for what he's been trying not to face. "Gentleness makes it to easy to feel... things that are confusing."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Are you really that confused by what they are? Or do you not want to admit it?"

Soft, and cautious, not accusing, not even really coaxing.

"You do not have to admit to anything, or share any conclusion you reach, but I think, if you step back, you understand more clearly than you are giving yourself credit for."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I'm not sure if..."

Of course by now, even for him, a word was forming in his mind. A very frightening word.

"...but how would I know?"

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Do you need to? There is no 'certain' in this sort of question, Near. No one suspect to be caught."

He traces his bottom lip thoughtfully with his thumb.

"Please do not confuse unfamiliar with negative. Separate the two within yourself."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"If I... even if I do l- if I do, perhaps telling Mello would be unwise. Would give him too much power over me."

He rubbed the nape of his neck.

"If it impairs my thinking, how is it not negative?"

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"I do not know Mello well enough to say whether that is the case. I hope it is not. My suggestion would be to stay quiet, not from fear, but rather to give him an opportunity to sort through his experiences. Your relationship with him has gone through enough abrupt transitions lately, and such a declaration would no doubt panic him."

And a frightened Mello lashes out hard, and fast. Near should know this by now.

"It is the fear that is impairing your thinking. If you are too nervous to follow thoughts through to their rational conclusions, even about your own emotions, you will not achieve equilibrium."

He leans forwards a little, as he illustrates.

"If you were incapable of thinking rationally about Mello, would you have such concerns as you just expressed?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"Some of the things he says..." Again, Mello's words echoed in his head. Make love with me. "In this, he knows more than I do. Is more confident than I am. I'm not sure it wouldn't panic him merely by it being a sign of certainty on my part. It means so much to him, after all, to have the upper hand."

Idly, he combed his fingers through his hair, leaving it hanging loosely in his face.

"I am still not sure that it is rational to even be in this position."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Where do you think that need stems from?"

The hiding behind the hair is rather obvious, but L makes no comment. He can see past it anyways, to the set of Near's shoulders, the line of his mouth.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"He's always wanted to best me. To be best. Not even to have what he strives for, I think... just to have achieved it. I don't think there is such a thing as enough, for him. I don't think being L would have been enough, if it had fallen to him. His reach must alway exceed his grasp."

Behind his curtain of hair, Near smiled. "Without that, he wouldn't be Mello."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"And you said before, that he has more experience here. That this is what he knows. In this manner, he can achieve this goal."

He says this flatly;

"Do you think he wants to surpass you? Or destroy you. Answer with your instincts."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near closed his eyes, trying to figure out what his instincts were in this. In the end, it was Mello's own words that came to him.

You're mine.

"I think he wants to possess me."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"You have surpassed him in many other ways. You survived. You succeeded me. But you have not surpassed him in this."

He is rather pleased that he manages to mention his approaching death so calmly.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I think." A sudden shudder. "I think in this, he is my superior."

God, it was a painful admission.

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Admitting that can not have been easy."

The rivalry is age old, after all.

"But objectively, would it be possible for this to continue if you were his superior in every way? From what you know of Mello's personality.

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"I think..." Tipping his head back, Near shook his head out of his eyes. "If I were his superior in every way, his death would not have troubled me so. If I were his superior in every way, his - " assault> " - first advances on me would have been easy to shrug off as something beneath me. If I was his superior in every way, I wouldn't be able to l- to crave him, to need to feel him beside me."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"You are saying that it can- in certain ways- be a good thing for your relationship?"

He cocks his head, a careful question.

"Perhaps if you need it, he does too."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near looked at him frankly. "Would you be able to share your bed with an inferior?"

It wasn't until he'd spoken that he considered some of the implications of that question.

"He's used that word to me. Need."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

L blinks at the question, and neatly steamrollers past it with a little shrug.

"Describing you? Or himself? Or both?"

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

He noted the unanswered query, files it for mental reference.

"He's said it. Said he needs me. Wants me. I want to believe it."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"Does that mean you think he would lie about it? Or that again, you think you cannot trust yourself to?"

His toes flex and curl again.

"Bear in mind the unfamiliar/dangerous distinction."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

"If it. If I... if this was just a game to him. Just a way to have power over me. He'd say anything, wouldn't he? But..."

Near buried his face in his hands. "I don't want it to be a lie. Don't want it to be a trick, or a trap. And that is dangerous. Letting my desires blur my thinking."

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"If you realize your bias, you will be able to account for it. Continue to observe the situation. If it goes beyond your control, if he hurts you outside of the realm of your consent, or if you merely feel the need to discuss things further, please come to me."

He starts chewing his thumb again.

"And also, while the power dynamics within the bedroom are entirely your own business, please be aware that if he ever raises a hand to you in front of me I will very likely hurt him."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near looked up with a disbelieving grin. "Defending my honor?"

[ijk-mno.livejournal.com]

"No. Establishing boundaries. Whether or not you feel you are inclined to set limits to where and how things occur, I accept what is happening because I believe, in a strange sense, it creates a sort of equality necessary for the two of you to function together. When that balance becomes complete domination, and I begin to see your voice stifled in every day conversation, I will not be particularly tolerant."

He pauses for a second, to try to think of a way to phrase that a little more diplomatically.

"Whether or not you are Nate, you are also Near, who has to be L."

[cardarchitect.livejournal.com]

Near's spine stiffened at that. "I'm not Nate," he all but spat. "I don't even know who Nate was. How old was I when I came to Wammy's? Two? Three? That was the end of Nate. The beginning of trying to be L. Even once I made it, it was still all trying to be L, living up to being L."

He wasn't aware of having jumped to his feet, or the way he was shaking. "Even knowing who Near is... that's only ever mattered to Mello. Even when he hated me, it was Near he hated. It's Mello who lets me know who Near is."