Application for Crowley from Supernatural (End of Season 5)

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

((Application approved by the rest of the SPN crew!))

---

[A man of just slightly more than average height with a receding hairline, wearing a tasteful and impeccably-tailored black suit, thrusts his hands into the pockets of his coat and looks around the Sorting Room with speculative interest.]

When I said I was looking to hole up someplace out of the way, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. But it'll do.

State your full name.

Come on now, if you had the wherewithal to bring me here, you really should know better than to ask such a thing. You can call me Crowley.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Cravanzina. Heard of it? ...Didn't think so. And that would be why.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Hm... [Consults his iPhone] Well I've got them both pencilled in, but there's a bit of a backlog what with the Apocalypse and all. You know how it is. Not to worry though, certain individuals paid handsomely to get the job done, and we're one hundred percent committed to satisfying our valued customers. I'd have to say it's a toss-up which one we get to first.

3. What time is it where you are?

[He smiles charmingly] What time would you like it to be?

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Search me, I'm not familiar with the chap. Which one would make for the best blackmail picture if I can catch a good shot of us kissing?

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

Across the Road. ...What? I'm in sales, not advertising.

B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Whichever one's the snappier dresser. If you're going to be controversial, you'd best do it with style. Just ask Aphrodite--now there's a lady who dresses to impress.

C. Ravenclaw : You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

Sounds like you need to have a good heart-to-heart with your personal assistant. They can be so high-maintenance. But if you find one that really suits, trust me, it's worth going that extra mile to accommodate them.

D. Hufflepuff : Prove you are not useless.

I'm a purveyor of...well, essentially anything. If it's out there to be had, I'll get it for you. For a price, of course. Now my usual channels may be inaccessible here, and I'll need some time to establish alternatives, but once I've got settled in a bit I guarantee I'll find ways of making myself downright indispensible. [Smiles modestly] It's sort of what I do.

If that doesn't impress you, I've been known to rent out the Pup on occasion. I happen to be under a contractual obligation not to bring him along on this trip, but I'm sure he'll catch up to me on his own soon enough. He's hard to keep kenneled and all but impossible to throw off the scent, the little scamp...

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

A bribe, eh? Not really my usual style, but let's see. [Searches his person] Got my trusty iPhone, but I don't think I'm going to be handing that over. Business cards for all my key associates...well, several of them are dead now... [Goes through them, tossing half the cards over his shoulder] A rather nice silver flask I could bear to part with, filled with a particularly fine single-malt I'm not certain I could; a platinum Rolex, an embroidered silk handkerchief, the keys to my Mercedes--not that I've ever actually driven it, but appearances are everything--three Montecristos, matches, an interesting old coin, two hundred fifty hundred dollars cash, give or take...oh yeah, and a couple of spare .28 caliber cartridges with some rather unique properties.

If there's something else you're after, please, feel free to mention it. We may be able to come to some arrangement.

---

I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _DMO

I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _DMO

One day, marmalade will rule the world. _DMO

Comments

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

(( hey - to minimize tag-confusion, should we make this guy's tag "spn crowley" or some such? as it doesn't appear he has a first name. We could make him "crowley", since GO!Crowley's tag is "anthony crowley", but you never know ...))

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

((Could we make it "Crowley SPN," maybe, so it alphabetizes better in the tag list?))

[hunter-returns.livejournal.com]

With both of his brothers stuck in the bizzare reality show put on by the Hat, Sam had taken to wandering the halls again. He wasn't as haunted by nightmares, he was, well, a little bored without Adam and Dean around.

So he found himself in the Sorting Room, staring at the demon. "Crowley. I guess they'll let anyone in here these days." His tone wasn't overtly hostile, but it was hardly a warm welcome either.

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

Crowley's eyebrows shot up, but he smiled amiably as the hunter spoke. "Sam! Lovely to see a familiar face. Surprising, but lovely. Either my previously-reliable sources have all gone and stuffed their heads up their arses, or you're a far more resourceful young man than even I gave you credit for. How've you been?"

[hunter-returns.livejournal.com]

"What can I say, I guess I'm full of surprises." Sam wondered, with no small amount of unease, how many people knew what he had done, or precisely how long he had been trapped down in the Pit.

"I can't complain. What are you doing here? Did the Hat grab you, or are you just looking to expand into a new market?"

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

"Couldn't tell you, really. I'd just embarked on a well-deserved holiday to a location which will remain undisclosed, and here I found myself. ...hold on, did you say hat...?"

He was about to ask Sam to elaborate when the door opened and another figure he recognized stepped into the doorway. "Well well, look who else stopped by to chat (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1998126.html?thread=112913454#t112913454). As satisfactory as our working relationship has been, I had no idea you boys were so taken with me."

[i-shot-a-dick.livejournal.com]

Dean was damned if he was going to stay in that damn house on his birthday, if he could get to the Sorting Room he didn't care who was being sorted, he just needed a house elf to call for his family or he hoped they could. "Stupid house" He snarled as he was brought to the sorting room in a nice, shiny black limousine. He needed a beer, a cheeseburger and a damn birthday pie and some one was going to get him one.

Stuck on a damn reality television show by that damn hat was all he could think as the driver let him out of the car "Hey, thanks Jeeves." Dean cracked as he stopped dead in his tracks at the voice he heard in the sorting room. "Oh, this day just gets better and better...." He remarked dryly.

Dean stepped past the door and let it shut behind him as he stepped in to the room with a smirk on his face "Y'know, if this is the hat's idea of a birthday present, it sucks."

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

"Dean, my boy. I'm wounded, honestly." Both of them, hm? Well, this was going to be entertaining. "After all we've been through together. So it's your birthday, eh? Just how long is it you've tread this mortal coil now?"

He reached into his inner jacket pocket and took out one of the cigars, walking over and offering it to Dean. "My compliments on your recent success, and many happy returns. No strings attached, before you ask."

[i-shot-a-dick.livejournal.com]

"Yes, because our past is just full of warm, fuzzy moments." He quipped as he leaned against the door jamb when Crowley offered the cigar Dean reached out with one eye brow raised and took it, turning the cigar in his hands both ways as he looked at it "You sure about that?"

With Crowley there were always strings and it sure complicated Dean's plan to get his family here, did he really want to bring his family in to the demon's sorting.

"Thanks, y'know, we're just that awesome." Dean smirked, that final battle, those last moments had been more than he ever wanted to pay so to Dean it had never felt like a 'win'.

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

Crowley shook his head, tutting reprovingly. "Give me some credit, will you? If it were a standard transaction, I'd have offered you more than a fine cigar. But no, no contracts, no smoochies, I won't even ask for a handshake." Even if he was sure the usual terms could be enforced here, Dean's soul had proven more than a little slippery in the past. It really wasn't worth investing the time to try to snag it again, especially with the backups they'd been dealing with since Alastair made his final exit. "Enjoy."

Anyway, with Lucifer and Lilith out of his way, Crowley could afford to be generous.

"Yeah, the grapevine's been abuzz with the news. I'm sincerely impressed. I had my doubts you lot could pull it off even if you got your hands on all four rings. Brilliant performances all around, give your friends my regards."

[3pc-point.livejournal.com]

Apparently fixers in snappy suits were in no short supply. Arthur read the application with nary an expression. When he was finished, he set the paper down carefully, squared up with the edge of the table, and tapped the bribe section with his finger.

"The cartridges. What's unique about them?"

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

"Well, if fired from the correct gun, they're capable of killing any being in existence...excepting a very, very exclusive short list." Crowley tossed one to Arthur. Without the Colt, they were...well, not harmless, exactly. "By themselves they're just serviceable silver bullets, with all the attendant benefits, but if you're up on your mystical lore you might glean some useful data from the inscriptions." Which were intricate and finely executed, lending the ammunition a certain artistic appeal as well.

"Nice suit," he added, surveying the man's ensemble with a practiced eye. "My compliments to your tailor."

[3pc-point.livejournal.com]

"I'll pass them on the next time I see him," he said without looking up. It was a nice suit, in dark khaki with a lighter shirt and the blue in the tie lending some contrast. Arthur wasn't up on his mystical lore, but with a large magical library and plenty of spare time on his hands he was up for any type of challenge he could get.

He turned his head back to Crowley. "How short a list?"

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

"It's said that there are just five things in all Creation the weapon cannot kill," Crowley explained, watching the man with interest. "The lore's unclear on precisely what those five things are, and whether it pertains only to specific individuals or can include classes of beings. But I'd say with confidence that God is immune, and the fallen archangel Lucifer is confirmed by recent eyewitness report. He claimed that Death himself is also on the list, and I have no reason to doubt it. Personally, I'd have a backup plan if I was going to go after angels generally, the other Horsemen of the Apocalypse or possibly the Antichrist.

"Oh," he smiled, "and then of course there's yours truly."

He examined the other bullet idly. "Its ability to make short work of garden-variety demons, vampires and other assorted mystical entities is very well-documented. And mortals, of course, provided one's aim is any good."

[5by5-lehane.livejournal.com]

A freshly buttered Slayer (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1999012.html), on the prowl for some answers, stalked into the Sorting Room. Faith looked the well dressed man over before glancing over his application. He wasn't human, she could make that much out. The rest was.. foggy.

"Apocalypse, huh? So what, you some kind of big bad mojo-user or something?"

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

"Well, I won't say I haven't had my modest part to play in events," Crowley said, looking her over appreciatively, "but I'm more of a details man, not so much for taking center stage. Am I correct in assuming I'm addressing a lady hunter of no small experience?" Everything from the way she held herself and moved, the measuring quality of her gaze and her complete lack of surprise or skepticism at the word Apocalypse suggested this was so.

"That's a terrible abuse of a quality leather garment, by the by," he added, wincing slightly at the grease that caked her jacket. "How on earth did you happen to find yourself in such a state?"

[5by5-lehane.livejournal.com]

"Never been much on the details myself," Faith admitted with a shrug. "Yeah, I'm the Slayer. I've seen an Apocalypse or two already, front and center stage."

Faith looked down at her ruined jacket and frowned, scraping some of the butter off her sleeve. "Beats the hell outta me. I woke up in some room down the hall covered in the crap. I thought Wil had popped me here as some kinda joke, but I'm not laughing."

"Where the hell are we anyway?"

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

"Well, we all have our particular niche to fill," he said amiably, filing away The Slayer and the plural Apocalypse reference for future consideration. "This was my first, I admit, but all things considered I think I made out rather well."

He walked a slow circle around her, considering the jacket. "Hm. Talcum powder," he said decisively. "A lot of it. Wipe up and blot out as much of the oil as you can, then coat the entire jacket liberally--might want to put it in a bag, it'll be messy--and let it sit overnight, more than once if necessary. The powder should soak up the oil. Then you shake it out thoroughly, clean it and condition it as you normally would." He shrugged slightly. "Bit of a bother, and I make no guarantees, but it's worth a shot, eh?

"And so far all I can tell you is we're in a stone room, with a rather curious enchanted questionnaire, wherein reside a random yet well-attired stranger and several other hunter-types of my acquaintance who...seem to be setting up a birthday party for their fearless-if-slightly-clueless leader." He raised his eyebrows, smiling bemusedly. "Interesting times."

[obsessed-asajj.livejournal.com]

"I take it this Mercedes is merely land-bound, like so many of the personal vehicles I've seen on this backwater planet?" Asajj did not bother to keep the disdain from either her voice or her face.

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

"Sadly, yes." Crowley sighed regretfully. "It's fortunate for me I don't actually have to depend on it for transportation. But it makes a lovely showpiece. I take it technology where you hail from is substantially more advanced?"

[obsessed-asajj.livejournal.com]

"Such things are fine for those who take pleasure in them," she said dismissively. "Where I am from, civilizations are not bound to one world and one species. There is a wider galaxy ripe for plucking." She made a fist, and opened it, as if to show the opportunity slipping away while she stayed here, bound to a single planet.

"You would be correct," she said dryly. "I find it rather inconvenient."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

((a hat, you can has one))

"Why haven't you ever driven your Mercedes? Do you have a sexy chauffeur?"

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

Crowley's eyebrows shot up at the sight of the hat, but he replied with equanimity, "As a matter of fact, I do. Well, did. I'll need to find a replacement, I suppose. But she was also something of a showpiece." His smile suggests the lady in question wasn't kept idle, even if she never drove the car. "I get around under my own power. It's much more convenient, as well as cost-effective and environmentally sound.

"...I must say, I've seen some highly unusual things in my time, but sentient headgear's a new one on me." He looked the hat up and down. "I'd love to meet your creator some time. Whatever he was on, I want in on the market."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

The Hat practically preened under Crowley's crown-to-brim onceover. Why, it fancied his gaze was smoldering.

"Why would anyone so good-looking as you need a showpiece, Monsieur Crowley?"

Breakin' out the language of loooove.

Slytherin!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your hotness has been accepted. Rowr!

Welcome to Slytherin!