Application for Crowley from Supernatural (End of Season 5)

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

((Application approved by the rest of the SPN crew!))

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[A man of just slightly more than average height with a receding hairline, wearing a tasteful and impeccably-tailored black suit, thrusts his hands into the pockets of his coat and looks around the Sorting Room with speculative interest.]

When I said I was looking to hole up someplace out of the way, this isn't exactly what I had in mind. But it'll do.

State your full name.

Come on now, if you had the wherewithal to bring me here, you really should know better than to ask such a thing. You can call me Crowley.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Cravanzina. Heard of it? ...Didn't think so. And that would be why.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Hm... [Consults his iPhone] Well I've got them both pencilled in, but there's a bit of a backlog what with the Apocalypse and all. You know how it is. Not to worry though, certain individuals paid handsomely to get the job done, and we're one hundred percent committed to satisfying our valued customers. I'd have to say it's a toss-up which one we get to first.

3. What time is it where you are?

[He smiles charmingly] What time would you like it to be?

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Search me, I'm not familiar with the chap. Which one would make for the best blackmail picture if I can catch a good shot of us kissing?

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

Across the Road. ...What? I'm in sales, not advertising.

B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Whichever one's the snappier dresser. If you're going to be controversial, you'd best do it with style. Just ask Aphrodite--now there's a lady who dresses to impress.

C. Ravenclaw : You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

Sounds like you need to have a good heart-to-heart with your personal assistant. They can be so high-maintenance. But if you find one that really suits, trust me, it's worth going that extra mile to accommodate them.

D. Hufflepuff : Prove you are not useless.

I'm a purveyor of...well, essentially anything. If it's out there to be had, I'll get it for you. For a price, of course. Now my usual channels may be inaccessible here, and I'll need some time to establish alternatives, but once I've got settled in a bit I guarantee I'll find ways of making myself downright indispensible. [Smiles modestly] It's sort of what I do.

If that doesn't impress you, I've been known to rent out the Pup on occasion. I happen to be under a contractual obligation not to bring him along on this trip, but I'm sure he'll catch up to me on his own soon enough. He's hard to keep kenneled and all but impossible to throw off the scent, the little scamp...

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

A bribe, eh? Not really my usual style, but let's see. [Searches his person] Got my trusty iPhone, but I don't think I'm going to be handing that over. Business cards for all my key associates...well, several of them are dead now... [Goes through them, tossing half the cards over his shoulder] A rather nice silver flask I could bear to part with, filled with a particularly fine single-malt I'm not certain I could; a platinum Rolex, an embroidered silk handkerchief, the keys to my Mercedes--not that I've ever actually driven it, but appearances are everything--three Montecristos, matches, an interesting old coin, two hundred fifty hundred dollars cash, give or take...oh yeah, and a couple of spare .28 caliber cartridges with some rather unique properties.

If there's something else you're after, please, feel free to mention it. We may be able to come to some arrangement.

---

I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _DMO

I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _DMO

One day, marmalade will rule the world. _DMO

Comments

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

Crowley's eyebrows shot up at the sight of the hat, but he replied with equanimity, "As a matter of fact, I do. Well, did. I'll need to find a replacement, I suppose. But she was also something of a showpiece." His smile suggests the lady in question wasn't kept idle, even if she never drove the car. "I get around under my own power. It's much more convenient, as well as cost-effective and environmentally sound.

"...I must say, I've seen some highly unusual things in my time, but sentient headgear's a new one on me." He looked the hat up and down. "I'd love to meet your creator some time. Whatever he was on, I want in on the market."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

The Hat practically preened under Crowley's crown-to-brim onceover. Why, it fancied his gaze was smoldering.

"Why would anyone so good-looking as you need a showpiece, Monsieur Crowley?"

Breakin' out the language of loooove.

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

Okay. That...was just plain disturbing. And he had a second home in Hell.

Nevertheless, one worked with what one was given.

"What can I say? I suppose I just never met that special someone." He sighed, pulling a tragic face. "A hundred thousand souls have passed through these hands and still, a soulmate I have yet to find."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Maybe you were looking in the wrong places."

Was the Hat trying to caress Crowley's cheek with one of its straps? If he didn't dodge quickly, yes, yes, it was.

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

If Crowley could cope with being called upon to satisfy Lilith's frequently-depraved appetites--or for that matter, tolerate Alistair's presence within a square mile--he could steel himself against the uninvited caress of a patently-insane sentient chapeau who just happened to be the undisputed lord and master of this realm. That didn't mean he had to like it.

"Very possible," he said, fixing one of his sincerest phony smiles grimly in place. "I'd very much like the opportunity to find out whether this is the right one."

If this went any further, though, the damn thing could get bent and he'd take his Squibbing like a man-shaped being.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"There's no place like Hogwarts for catching souls. Soulmates, I meant, of course." The Hat tittered. "Now then, I must Sort you into the official house of hot men. It's only obvious that's the place for you. You mustn't be a stranger after I let you out of the Sorting Room, though, you hear? Come up and see me sometime."

The Hat's Mae West impression left something to be desired.

[dontmissokay.livejournal.com]

"I'll be sure to keep a spot open in my schedule," Crowley said. (And he would. He was a demon of his word. He might or might not actually do anything with it...)

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Pencil my name in your diary." British sense of the word. Like in a Morrissey song. "They call me Sorting Hat the Wise."