hh_mirror | Application: Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (canon version- not Lynch's movie version)

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com posting in

An immensely fat, red-headed man in a red velvet robe floats, not stands, over the desk, and looks at the parchment with only a slight hint of perceptible confusion. He blinks a few times, and frowns slightly as he finds the unfamiliar sight in front of him hasn't changed a bit. Too much Spice in that last dose, that's what this must be. Will have to have that medic strangled. . . and where are my guards? And the servants? Is it some Imperial test? Or I've suddenly become a Navigator. He smirks slightly, but betrays no outward sign of fear as he presses on something beneath his voluminous robe and floats closer to the desk.

The man contemplates the quill a moment before picking it up, running his fingers along the feathers as he peruses the questions before him. A slight look of perplexed dismay crosses his features as he carefully reads over the queries, raising an eyebrow quizzically at a few of them. Strangest bit of paperwork I've ever seen. Trick questions, perhaps- I'm unfamiliar with many of the terms, but, if this is a test, best to pass it. There's probably a poisoner waiting in the wings, impatient for failure. He glances around the room with a brief flicker of paranoia, but then focuses on the questions at hand, the look of confusion turning analytical as he begins to scrawl down his answers, occasionally pausing to fidget with the quill.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Where cheese is concerned, it is difficult to select a clear favorite. I am fond of most cheeses, excepting base, common cheeses like cheddar. As a demanding gourmand, I am aware that the art of selecting a cheese is strongly influenced by what accompanies that cheese. However, I personally believe that circumstances are strongly influential on one's overall pleasure with any experience, and so, any high-quality cheese taken directly from an enemy's high table would prove a far more satisfying cheese than any other.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Assuming that both of these individuals require killing, I would order the death of whichever was apprehended first, unless both apprehended at the same time. In this situation, if it appeared amusing, I would let them determine the order of their own deaths in a gladiatorial match against one another. It is good to have choices.

3. What time is it where you are?

The Baron Harkonnen pauses a moment, and looks around the room, as if seeking a clock or a window. Upon failing to he becomes contemplative a moment, deliberating the answer thoughtfully before putting pen to parchment.

Whatever time I declare it to be. The concept of numbered time is an abstract, and very human idea, easily reordered by switching a few numbers on a clock face.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Assuming I am someone returned from the dead, and still capable of sexual harrassment, I'd select the prettiest one, of course. I would be pleased to make my selection if someone would provide me with an image of this "Order of the Phoenix".

5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Although running a Barony is probably a great deal like attempting to bartend in the dark, my experience at this means that I am entirely unfamiliar with the profession of bartending, and have never held a bartender's position.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Mythology suggests that lover's triangles are ill-fated things, likely to cause wars and hasten the demise of empires, such as the legendary ancient affair of Antony and Cleopatra. So, any involvement with either this Fred or this George, whoever they may be, is likely to be unhealthy for Harry. Marriage, however, is a political affair, and so, whichever one holds the more powerful position is a logical answer, if he cannot avoid marriage entirely. He can always keep whoever he likes as a concubine.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Something I have learned in my profession as a planetary ~~tyrant~~ governor is that paperwork and idiots are two universal constants that no bureaucrat, regardless of rank, can avoid. As most of the paperwork is either necessitated due to the actions of idiots, or created by idiots, there will always be more paperwork, because anther idiot will place it on the desk even if it is clear there are more pressing matters at hand.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Much of my professional career to this point has involved asking this very question to other people, and giving them good reasons for it to be worth answering. As I've held the contract for the most valuable planet in the universe, it is a question that I appear to be very skilled at asking, and that in itself is useful.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

I would like to hope that offering my experience, strategic skills, and general talent for weaving intricate plots within plots would prove enough of a bribe in itself. However, I am aware that most bribes should be material in nature, or at least accompanied by something material, and so I can offer a quantity of Spice, the most valuable substance in the universe.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_

He returns the quill to its original position, and, drifts away from the desk to wait patiently. He betrays only a slight trace of nervousness as he fidgets with a fold of his robe, waiting for something to happen.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

gourmetchairman.livejournal.com

The Chairman arched his eyebrow. Personally, he agreed with Harkonnen about everything in question one, even the enemy's table part, but that was the part he wanted to question him on.

"Enemy's table?"

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

The Baron smiled politely at the Chairman. Here was a quite respectable looking man, at least, who perhaps held some answers.

"The House Atreides- I do hope you are not affiliated?"