hh_mirror | Application: Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (canon version- not Lynch's movie version)

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com posting in

An immensely fat, red-headed man in a red velvet robe floats, not stands, over the desk, and looks at the parchment with only a slight hint of perceptible confusion. He blinks a few times, and frowns slightly as he finds the unfamiliar sight in front of him hasn't changed a bit. Too much Spice in that last dose, that's what this must be. Will have to have that medic strangled. . . and where are my guards? And the servants? Is it some Imperial test? Or I've suddenly become a Navigator. He smirks slightly, but betrays no outward sign of fear as he presses on something beneath his voluminous robe and floats closer to the desk.

The man contemplates the quill a moment before picking it up, running his fingers along the feathers as he peruses the questions before him. A slight look of perplexed dismay crosses his features as he carefully reads over the queries, raising an eyebrow quizzically at a few of them. Strangest bit of paperwork I've ever seen. Trick questions, perhaps- I'm unfamiliar with many of the terms, but, if this is a test, best to pass it. There's probably a poisoner waiting in the wings, impatient for failure. He glances around the room with a brief flicker of paranoia, but then focuses on the questions at hand, the look of confusion turning analytical as he begins to scrawl down his answers, occasionally pausing to fidget with the quill.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Where cheese is concerned, it is difficult to select a clear favorite. I am fond of most cheeses, excepting base, common cheeses like cheddar. As a demanding gourmand, I am aware that the art of selecting a cheese is strongly influenced by what accompanies that cheese. However, I personally believe that circumstances are strongly influential on one's overall pleasure with any experience, and so, any high-quality cheese taken directly from an enemy's high table would prove a far more satisfying cheese than any other.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Assuming that both of these individuals require killing, I would order the death of whichever was apprehended first, unless both apprehended at the same time. In this situation, if it appeared amusing, I would let them determine the order of their own deaths in a gladiatorial match against one another. It is good to have choices.

3. What time is it where you are?

The Baron Harkonnen pauses a moment, and looks around the room, as if seeking a clock or a window. Upon failing to he becomes contemplative a moment, deliberating the answer thoughtfully before putting pen to parchment.

Whatever time I declare it to be. The concept of numbered time is an abstract, and very human idea, easily reordered by switching a few numbers on a clock face.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Assuming I am someone returned from the dead, and still capable of sexual harrassment, I'd select the prettiest one, of course. I would be pleased to make my selection if someone would provide me with an image of this "Order of the Phoenix".

5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Although running a Barony is probably a great deal like attempting to bartend in the dark, my experience at this means that I am entirely unfamiliar with the profession of bartending, and have never held a bartender's position.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Mythology suggests that lover's triangles are ill-fated things, likely to cause wars and hasten the demise of empires, such as the legendary ancient affair of Antony and Cleopatra. So, any involvement with either this Fred or this George, whoever they may be, is likely to be unhealthy for Harry. Marriage, however, is a political affair, and so, whichever one holds the more powerful position is a logical answer, if he cannot avoid marriage entirely. He can always keep whoever he likes as a concubine.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Something I have learned in my profession as a planetary ~~tyrant~~ governor is that paperwork and idiots are two universal constants that no bureaucrat, regardless of rank, can avoid. As most of the paperwork is either necessitated due to the actions of idiots, or created by idiots, there will always be more paperwork, because anther idiot will place it on the desk even if it is clear there are more pressing matters at hand.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Much of my professional career to this point has involved asking this very question to other people, and giving them good reasons for it to be worth answering. As I've held the contract for the most valuable planet in the universe, it is a question that I appear to be very skilled at asking, and that in itself is useful.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

I would like to hope that offering my experience, strategic skills, and general talent for weaving intricate plots within plots would prove enough of a bribe in itself. However, I am aware that most bribes should be material in nature, or at least accompanied by something material, and so I can offer a quantity of Spice, the most valuable substance in the universe.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_

He returns the quill to its original position, and, drifts away from the desk to wait patiently. He betrays only a slight trace of nervousness as he fidgets with a fold of his robe, waiting for something to happen.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

"Clones," A said softly, looking troubled. "Trained thinking machines. No, no, we don't have those here."

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

The Baron appeared relieved at hearing this. He never did like the Tleilaxu, even if their products were useful. No one did. It was hard not to feel a bit relieved. If there were no ghola, there must be no Tleilax, and thus, no facedancers. "Probably a good thing. The one I have. . .well, had. . .he was useful, but had some bad habits." That was an understatement- Piter had been swiftly outgrowing his usefulness. "There is going to be a lot to learn- this difference, at least, is a good one."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

"It wouldn't be healthy to, no, oh, no, no, to be trained like that." He bit his lip, looking away. It certainly hadn't been good for him or B.

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

The Baron looked at A curiously- it seems that this young man had experienced something he'd rather not talk about. "It sounds as if I have touched a topic that I shouldn't have." He didn't say that he was sorry- but his tone implied he'd rather not have upset A.

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

A took a deep breath, and then another, trying to center himself the way L had taught him.

"I just, I, it sounds like a bad idea."

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

The Baron nodded agreeably. "You're better off without them." This topic made A very uncomfortable, which was intriguing, but now wasn't the time to probe the reason. "There are things that I don't think I will miss, and, gholas are one of them." Especially Piter. "Some things I will. My . .housekeepers, for one." He wasn't sure what these people thought of slaves- some reacted badly for some reason. "And small things, like fogwood. I wonder, do you have anything like it here? It was a very unique plant- trained artists could sculpt it with their minds."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

The sound of that second one pulled A out of his distressed reverie. "A plant you can shape with your mind? Oh, Oh, no, I've never heard of anything like that, how wonderful!"

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

The Baron smiled, pleased to see that his bait had worked, and A was cheering up again. He'd been proving a charming conversational companion. "Indeed- it only grows on one world, Ecaz- which is probably a very long way from here. It responds to human thought- so those who practice, and can learn its responses, are able to make remarkable sculptures of it." On consideration, this did sound like magic- perhaps his familiar world was more magical than he'd ever considered. "I wish I could obtain a specimen for you, but- I'm not sure how that could be arranged."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

"Oh," A's eyes lit up at that. "I don't know if I, if I'd be any good at sculpting, but what a fascinating property forr a plant to have!"

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

"I expect it takes different skills than working with clay- more about visualizing, perhaps. The sculptors are trying to think it into the shape they want." He sincerely did wish he had a specimen- this charming young man did seem to enjoy his plants. "Perhaps it's like magic."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

"I've learned some magic while I've been here," A said. "Most of it, mostly to defend myself, but other things too."

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

"Do you have to defend yourself often?" Then mention of defence made him painfully aware that he was missing his guards, not that he didn't have his tricks. "And what sort of things have you learned?"

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

"Not recently," he said, but frowned a little, remembering Karasu. Who knew what he'd be up to... "I have learned a few hexes, and how to levitate small objects, and how to summon a small object to me. A few other charms like that."

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

"That sounds very intriguing- summoning objects, you say?" He smiled curiously, and asked, "Could you demonstrate? I wonder if it is like bending space on a small scale."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

A reached into his pocket and brought out a small rubber ball, a favored toy of his cats. Kneeling, he rolled it to stop at the Baron's feet. Then he stood and drew his wand.

"Accio ball!"

He caught it as it flew into his hand.

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

"Now that does appear useful, very impressive!" It did appear very convincing. It could potentially be a very complicated bit of slight of hand, but, it looked like a normal rubber ball. "Can you do with anything at all?" He grinned slightly, took a small packet from somewhere in the many folds of his robes, and asked, "What about his? It's a bit of Spice. You can keep it if you can, but, do promise to not take it all. It's best in very sparing amounts, a few grains only."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

That would be easy; A was used to using the summoning charm on the more inquisitive of his two cats, who was considerably heavier than the packet the Baron held.

"Accio Spice!" He caught the packet neatly. "How exactly is it used?"

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

Now the Baron was immensely impressed- A had just made a perfectly normal packet of spice fly out of his hand. He smiled at A, unable to conceal a bit of actual amazement at what appeared to be a genuine act of magic. "I see that this school does teach some remarkable abilities! Very well done. It's used in a few ways. Most commonly, a few grains daily will preserve health, ward off disease, and, promote longevity. Higher doses can have a almost hallucinogenic effect, but, too much causes swift addiction. And the withdrawals are known to be lethal. So you need to be very careful with it."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

"I, I wouldn't want to be addicted to anything," A said warily. "But taken in a small dose, this isn't a risk?"

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

"Not at all, in small doses- I can show you the right one." He grins slightly, saying, "I'm actually 80 years old." He looks to be somewhere in his fifties. "I may not be the prettiest sight- but the Spice has still done its job."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

Well-preserved for eighty, yes. A looked at the packet thoughtfully. "From just a few grains a day, I see. So it may be rare, but it is also potent. Are, does it have any negative interactions, are there things you should not take or eat if you are taking it?"

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

The Baron shook his head. "It's typically consumed with food or drink, there's not any known interactions. A little sprinkling will have no more than a healthy, longevity-promoting effect. It's very potent- just a little more might cause strange effects. It'll increase mental acuity, but, can also cause hallucination, and visions. Never take more than a little- the one thing it reacts badly to is excess."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

"Healthy in a minimal dose, psychoactive and addictive in larger doses," A agreed with a nod. "Does it require any special preparation, or is it already in its ingestible form?"

From:

i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com

"Exactly- so best keep it minimal." He smiled at A, thinking that he seemed good material, and it would be shame if he were wasted by making a mistake with the Spice. "It's already in prepared form."

From:

i-am-an-hero.livejournal.com

"And you said the flavor is like cinnamon?" He thought about that. "But unless it's extremely strong-tasting, the amount in a normal dose wouldn't have any discernable flavor. So it could be taken with more or less anything."