Application: Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (canon version- not Lynch's movie version)

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

An immensely fat, red-headed man in a red velvet robe floats, not stands, over the desk, and looks at the parchment with only a slight hint of perceptible confusion. He blinks a few times, and frowns slightly as he finds the unfamiliar sight in front of him hasn't changed a bit. Too much Spice in that last dose, that's what this must be. Will have to have that medic strangled. . . and where are my guards? And the servants? Is it some Imperial test? Or I've suddenly become a Navigator. He smirks slightly, but betrays no outward sign of fear as he presses on something beneath his voluminous robe and floats closer to the desk.

The man contemplates the quill a moment before picking it up, running his fingers along the feathers as he peruses the questions before him. A slight look of perplexed dismay crosses his features as he carefully reads over the queries, raising an eyebrow quizzically at a few of them. Strangest bit of paperwork I've ever seen. Trick questions, perhaps- I'm unfamiliar with many of the terms, but, if this is a test, best to pass it. There's probably a poisoner waiting in the wings, impatient for failure. He glances around the room with a brief flicker of paranoia, but then focuses on the questions at hand, the look of confusion turning analytical as he begins to scrawl down his answers, occasionally pausing to fidget with the quill.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Where cheese is concerned, it is difficult to select a clear favorite. I am fond of most cheeses, excepting base, common cheeses like cheddar. As a demanding gourmand, I am aware that the art of selecting a cheese is strongly influenced by what accompanies that cheese. However, I personally believe that circumstances are strongly influential on one's overall pleasure with any experience, and so, any high-quality cheese taken directly from an enemy's high table would prove a far more satisfying cheese than any other.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Assuming that both of these individuals require killing, I would order the death of whichever was apprehended first, unless both apprehended at the same time. In this situation, if it appeared amusing, I would let them determine the order of their own deaths in a gladiatorial match against one another. It is good to have choices.

3. What time is it where you are?

The Baron Harkonnen pauses a moment, and looks around the room, as if seeking a clock or a window. Upon failing to he becomes contemplative a moment, deliberating the answer thoughtfully before putting pen to parchment.

Whatever time I declare it to be. The concept of numbered time is an abstract, and very human idea, easily reordered by switching a few numbers on a clock face.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Assuming I am someone returned from the dead, and still capable of sexual harrassment, I'd select the prettiest one, of course. I would be pleased to make my selection if someone would provide me with an image of this "Order of the Phoenix".

5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Although running a Barony is probably a great deal like attempting to bartend in the dark, my experience at this means that I am entirely unfamiliar with the profession of bartending, and have never held a bartender's position.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Mythology suggests that lover's triangles are ill-fated things, likely to cause wars and hasten the demise of empires, such as the legendary ancient affair of Antony and Cleopatra. So, any involvement with either this Fred or this George, whoever they may be, is likely to be unhealthy for Harry. Marriage, however, is a political affair, and so, whichever one holds the more powerful position is a logical answer, if he cannot avoid marriage entirely. He can always keep whoever he likes as a concubine.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Something I have learned in my profession  as a planetary tyrant governor is that paperwork and idiots are two universal constants that no bureaucrat, regardless of rank, can avoid. As most of the paperwork is either necessitated due to the actions of idiots, or created by idiots, there will always be more paperwork, because anther idiot will place it on the desk even if it is clear there are more pressing matters at hand.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Much of my professional career to this point has involved asking this very question to other people, and giving them good reasons for it to be worth answering. As I've held the contract for the most valuable planet in the universe, it is a question that I appear to be very skilled at asking, and that in itself is useful.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

I would like to hope that offering my experience, strategic skills, and general talent for weaving intricate plots within plots would prove enough of a bribe in itself. However, I am aware that most bribes should be material in nature, or at least accompanied by something material, and so I can offer a quantity of Spice, the most valuable substance in the universe.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_

He returns the quill to its original position, and, drifts away from the desk to wait patiently. He betrays only a slight trace of nervousness as he fidgets with a fold of his robe, waiting for something to happen.

Comments

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron turned to the woman, and, looked a bit surprised to find that even though he was floating a few inches above the floor, he had to look up to to face her properly. He pressed on the suspensor belt beneath his lavish robe, and hovered up to face her properly. "My family is the ancient line of the Harkonnen, a House Major in the Landsraad and rulers of the planet Giedi Prime." He smiled at her politely. "And yours?"

[forlornexultant.livejournal.com]

(( Wolfe never bothers giving them a family name, so I am improvising a little. ))

The Baron's propulsion upward gave Thecla a moment of disoriented confusion. She blinked, but held her ground; and after all, it had only seemed sudden, because she had not been expecting him to effectively grow taller. It had not really been a sudden or abrupt movement. He must be assisted by something like the contrivances Father Inire had kept: extrasolarian technology.

Well, of course it was extrasolarian -- he was speaking of planets, was he not?

"My family is of Urth," she said, "of the Commonwealth; we hold divers territories, mainly in the north. Our line too is ancient. I am the Chatelaine Thecla, lately of the Well of Orchids, then of the Matachin Tower." A slight bitter twist marred the line of her mouth at that remark. "I have stood at very close remove to the Autarchy itself."

This was an understatement.

"But I surmise that neither of our pedigrees will mean much to the other." The smile regained its untroubled neutrality. "I have never been to Giedi Prime, nor heard of it, though I have traveled from the universe Briah to the universe Yesod. We of Urth have no interstellar ships of our own, and how the Hierogrammates power the ship upon which I sailed, I do not know -- whether it was of this Spice you have discussed, or otherwise."

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron bobbed in his suspensors slightly as he gave Thecla a small bow, about as much he could manage given his physique. Although many of the inhabitants of the place intrigued him, he was pleased and a bit relieved to meet another noble. He'd never heard of her line, but, her bearing gave no doubt that she was of noble descent.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Chatelaine. I have not heard of your Urth, but I expect it is an admirable world. It seems that this is a place where worlds cross, but, noble manners appear to remain constant in all." He gave her a strangely cherubic, well-practiced smile. "Our worlds may share some things in common- the Spacing Guild had sole control of interstellar travel where I came from, it created an . . .interesting political environment."

[forlornexultant.livejournal.com]

Thecla's nod was grave though slight. "It was a rallying point of rebellion, as of late, on Urth. Once, chiliads past, men freely slipped Urth's bonds and forested the Moon. There was a rather popular exultant in my lifetime who urged that we take that power again. His was a complicated failure. Praise be to the Autarch, whose perspiration is the gold of his subjects."

That last phrase she delivered with a wry grimace. It would have required air-quotes to be any more blatant in its difference from her actual sentiment.

"Is your Spacing Guild, too, hated? Our people hate and fear the extrasolarian powers upon whom we variously depend. Few have met any, of course; though they are not unpleasant, and I do not think it fair to call them cacogens, as they are commonly known."

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

He smiled wryly, recalling the amount he'd paid them to enable his most recent plans. It was a good enough reason to despise them, but, he'd never found the sentiment worth expending much energy on, since they were also unavoidable.

"The Spacing Guild is a necessity, for without it the Imperium could not exist. But, it is difficult not to despise them, given their rates. They have a monopoly, so the price is up to them, and it is well known that their tacit approval is needed on all things. It is really their decision who sits on the Imperial throne. I never feared them, as their desires were predictable. Spice and solari." He smirked, vexed that he'd never learn the results of his extraordinarily large investment with the Guild, which was going to take decades to regain.

He tilted his head toward Thecla, inquiring, "Do you know how you came to be here, and why? This is a strange nexus, bringing worlds, and possibly times, into the same place. Or at least, components of them."

[forlornexultant.livejournal.com]

Regretfully, the Chatelaine shook her head in gentle negation. "No one has given me a satisfactory answer to this question. Either they confess they do not know, or they share curious and nonsensical speculations."

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

He nodded understandingly. "That seems to be the case. So far, the best answer I've heard is magic. But that's not a very enlightening explanation. Even magic has to work somehow."

[forlornexultant.livejournal.com]

"Our Autarch's chief advisor and artificer owned a chamber of mirrors, by means of which he could summon beings into existence," mused Thecla. "Perhaps this room has such power. It is the room in which we first appear, when we are brought to Hogwarts. I could not say; I am no magus, though I have been told that to be here means I must be a sorceress. I have known a miracle-worker, and the most miraculous of his deeds was this, that he had no idea what caused his miracles to work." She gave a delicate shrug. "Thus the blind lead the blind. Shall I pretend to know what I cannot know? For amusement, perhaps; but you are not a person to be used in such a way."

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron nodded politely, although, he couldn't admit to understanding half of the Chatelaine's ideas. He had a suspicion that it was mostly a matter of terminology- as, the Guild could basically "summon" things too. "At least trying to find an explanation leaves something to do. The impression I have is that we're stuck here."

[forlornexultant.livejournal.com]

"It could be much worse," said the Chatelaine quietly, looking away.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

She must be relieved to be here for some reason, he thought. Something to remember. He filed this away, as he always did with anything he could learn about someone. "I would agree with that." He smiled wryly. There were worse places to be stuck, such as dead.

vote: Slytherin

[forlornexultant.livejournal.com]

"I think you will be placed in House Slytherin," said Thecla, after a moment's silent reflection upon matters unspoken and entirely personal. "It doesn't require a renunciation of your familial allegiances or any other affiliations. It's really just a fancy name for the dungeon dormitory. I was placed in Hufflepuff, which I thought a charmingly funny little name. Some of the people here were born in this world, and they tend to be more serious about the Hogwarts Houses than anyone else."