hh_mirror | Application: Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (canon version- not Lynch's movie version)

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An immensely fat, red-headed man in a red velvet robe floats, not stands, over the desk, and looks at the parchment with only a slight hint of perceptible confusion. He blinks a few times, and frowns slightly as he finds the unfamiliar sight in front of him hasn't changed a bit. Too much Spice in that last dose, that's what this must be. Will have to have that medic strangled. . . and where are my guards? And the servants? Is it some Imperial test? Or I've suddenly become a Navigator. He smirks slightly, but betrays no outward sign of fear as he presses on something beneath his voluminous robe and floats closer to the desk.

The man contemplates the quill a moment before picking it up, running his fingers along the feathers as he peruses the questions before him. A slight look of perplexed dismay crosses his features as he carefully reads over the queries, raising an eyebrow quizzically at a few of them. Strangest bit of paperwork I've ever seen. Trick questions, perhaps- I'm unfamiliar with many of the terms, but, if this is a test, best to pass it. There's probably a poisoner waiting in the wings, impatient for failure. He glances around the room with a brief flicker of paranoia, but then focuses on the questions at hand, the look of confusion turning analytical as he begins to scrawl down his answers, occasionally pausing to fidget with the quill.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Where cheese is concerned, it is difficult to select a clear favorite. I am fond of most cheeses, excepting base, common cheeses like cheddar. As a demanding gourmand, I am aware that the art of selecting a cheese is strongly influenced by what accompanies that cheese. However, I personally believe that circumstances are strongly influential on one's overall pleasure with any experience, and so, any high-quality cheese taken directly from an enemy's high table would prove a far more satisfying cheese than any other.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Assuming that both of these individuals require killing, I would order the death of whichever was apprehended first, unless both apprehended at the same time. In this situation, if it appeared amusing, I would let them determine the order of their own deaths in a gladiatorial match against one another. It is good to have choices.

3. What time is it where you are?

The Baron Harkonnen pauses a moment, and looks around the room, as if seeking a clock or a window. Upon failing to he becomes contemplative a moment, deliberating the answer thoughtfully before putting pen to parchment.

Whatever time I declare it to be. The concept of numbered time is an abstract, and very human idea, easily reordered by switching a few numbers on a clock face.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Assuming I am someone returned from the dead, and still capable of sexual harrassment, I'd select the prettiest one, of course. I would be pleased to make my selection if someone would provide me with an image of this "Order of the Phoenix".

5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Although running a Barony is probably a great deal like attempting to bartend in the dark, my experience at this means that I am entirely unfamiliar with the profession of bartending, and have never held a bartender's position.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Mythology suggests that lover's triangles are ill-fated things, likely to cause wars and hasten the demise of empires, such as the legendary ancient affair of Antony and Cleopatra. So, any involvement with either this Fred or this George, whoever they may be, is likely to be unhealthy for Harry. Marriage, however, is a political affair, and so, whichever one holds the more powerful position is a logical answer, if he cannot avoid marriage entirely. He can always keep whoever he likes as a concubine.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Something I have learned in my profession as a planetary ~~tyrant~~ governor is that paperwork and idiots are two universal constants that no bureaucrat, regardless of rank, can avoid. As most of the paperwork is either necessitated due to the actions of idiots, or created by idiots, there will always be more paperwork, because anther idiot will place it on the desk even if it is clear there are more pressing matters at hand.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Much of my professional career to this point has involved asking this very question to other people, and giving them good reasons for it to be worth answering. As I've held the contract for the most valuable planet in the universe, it is a question that I appear to be very skilled at asking, and that in itself is useful.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

I would like to hope that offering my experience, strategic skills, and general talent for weaving intricate plots within plots would prove enough of a bribe in itself. However, I am aware that most bribes should be material in nature, or at least accompanied by something material, and so I can offer a quantity of Spice, the most valuable substance in the universe.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_

He returns the quill to its original position, and, drifts away from the desk to wait patiently. He betrays only a slight trace of nervousness as he fidgets with a fold of his robe, waiting for something to happen.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

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"Well, I'll have to remember that, and to drop in and see it sometime. I could tell you a bit more about Spice, and, you could perhaps tell me a bit more about. . . all this." He gestured around the room with a fat hand, gems glittering off several rings.

From:

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"I'd like to learn about this spice," A said eagerly. "What sort of climate does it grow in?"

From:

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The Baron looks thoughtful at this question. "Well. . . I'm not sure that it does grow. It's mined, out of the sand. It only occurs on one planet, and that planet is a desert. It never rains- it is no place for anyone to live." He frowns slightly. "And I expect that it's very, very far away."

From:

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A frowned a little. "I don't have a desert environment. The garden is temperate, and the mangosteen grove is tropical, and the greenhouse is somewhere in between, but I don't have any sort of desert conservatory, let alone a large one." He cocked his head. "Mined? That's odd."

From:

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The Baron chuckled. A really seemed a very pleasant young man. Surely means he's up to something- but, he'd have to find out what later. "Not too odd- salt's mined too. It's something like that. What's odd are the creatures that seem to guard it, the sandworms. They're extremely big, and, can easily swallow an entire mining operation. You definitely would not want one in your garden." He flashed A a grin, adding, "And what is a mangosteen? That's something I haven't heard of."

From:

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"A mangosteen is a fruit," A said. "It's tropical and it doesn't travel very well, but it tastes very good. I think it tastes a bit like a blend of orange and peach." He thought through what the Baron had said about sandworms. "That would be megafauna on an extreme scale. Even the dragon I've spoken to here isn't so large."

From:

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The Baron stares rather blankly at A for a brief moment. A -dragon-? "You have. . . a dragon?" Considering how strange everything already was, and that apparently he was standing a school for magic, he knew he shouldn't be so suprised. But still. . .a dragon? "And those fruits, they sound very good. . . but. . .you have a dragon? And it -talks-?" He'd only ever heard of such things as mythical- but then again, Earth was a myth, too. And here he was.

From:

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A nodded. "His name is Smaug. He gave me several scales as a sorting gift. I've hung them in my greenhouse."

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"A dragon. . .and his name is Smaug." The Baron contemplates this silently for a moment, as if this sums up the essence of the strange experience and really hammers it home. He realized that it would probably be best to not even try to compare this unusual place to home- as, this one had talking dragons. With names. He managed a smile at A, despite the settling shock, and a brief impulse to go on a tirade. It really didn't seem like a wise place for a tirade, however. "Now that does sound very nice. . . dragonscales. . .who'd have though it. I didn't think existed."

From:

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"They, they're lovely, really," A said with a smile. "Shimmering red and gold. I wish I had flowers that were quite like that."

From:

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"I will have to meet this Smaug sometime." He got the feeling that the potential of meeting a dragon was likely to be but one strange thing in a sea of strangeness. "So what kind of flowers do you have?" He smiled while inwardly bracing himself for the answer, which he figured wouldn't be roses and tulips.

From:

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No tulips, no, but... "I have roses and lavender, marigolds and pansies... those are in the garden. In the greenhouse I have monkshood and foxglove, chrysanthemums and delphiniums, alkanet and cornflower... I, I have herbs too, many more herbs than anything else. Most of what I grow is useful in more than one way, whether to be pretty or to be food or medicine or even to use as ink or dye." Talking about his plants increased the animation in his face and voice, making him sound more confident and less diffident.

From:

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The Baron found it impossible not to grin at A's enthusiasm, and felt some relief that the answer was not as strange as he anticipated. "I shall certainly have to see your garden soon, it sounds as if it's quite impressive." He doubted it would compare with some of the Imperial gardens, but, this young man was very charming and seemed very attached to his plants, so he decided not to mention it. "So do you study what they do then, and not just how to grow them?"

From:

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"Oh yes," A nodded. "Kusuriyuri has been teaching me how to use them as medicines, and I have been learning to cook, and I made ink for Matt to use in his runework."

From:

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"Medicine and the culinary arts are both very useful pursuits." He grinned slightly, but it fell as he realized that -his- cook was apparently very, very far away, and not likely to answer any summons. He couldn't see a servant anywhere, which bothered him distinctly- he wasn't about to do his own chores. He attempted to not let his concerns show as he asked, "I suppose they teach also alchemy at a school like this?"

From:

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"The closest class to alchemy we've had was Potions," A said after a moment's thought. "The professor was, he, he was sort of distractable, and we haven't had a Potions class since the one I took. He taught us to make ayahuasca." He didn't think it was necessary to go into detail about his experience with that.

From:

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Distractable professors? The Baron chuckled inwardly. This place was beyond strange. "It sounds as if you didn't much enjoy potions? A school that teaches potions. . .never thought I'd see anything like this."

From:

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"I don't think I learned very much from Potions class," A admitted. "I prefer being able to learn things."

From:

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The Baron chuckled. "I'd have to agree that a class where one doesn't learn anything isn't much worth taking. And a good habit, that." He smiled approvingly at A.

From:

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"Learning was how I brought up," A said with a faint frown. "It doesn't feel right if I'm not learning something."

Which was part of why he took private lessons with Kusuriyuri and Kurama, and was teaching himself to cook.

From:

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The Baron smiles encouragingly at A. "That is a good way to be brought up- knowledge is a powerful thing. I do not know much about magic schools, but, it's true everywhere else."

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"Even if, if there are not classes often, there is a library. It's a very large library, and very helpful."

From:

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The Baron appears visibly pleased at this news. "Libraries are extremely interesting places- I suppose I'll need to start with the history books." He chuckles sardonically, painfully aware of his own lack of basic knowledge about this place. At least the people seemed helpful, even if he didn't appear to be able to order them around.

From:

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"There are many Wizarding histories in the library here," A agreed. "Not non-magical histories, though. For that you would need to go to, to a muggle bookshop, a non-magical shop."

From:

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"Wizarding histories. . ."muggles". . . it does seem like I need to spend a great deal of time in this library. There is a division here, then, between those who can and cannot do magic?" Somehow, he had a feeling that "doing magic" wasn't of the sort those Bene Gesserit witches played at, given the talking dragons. And he felt pretty sure he'd never done anything magical in his life, unless a few well-played plots counted. He preferred to think they did.