Application: Baron Vladimir Harkonnen (canon version- not Lynch's movie version)

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

An immensely fat, red-headed man in a red velvet robe floats, not stands, over the desk, and looks at the parchment with only a slight hint of perceptible confusion. He blinks a few times, and frowns slightly as he finds the unfamiliar sight in front of him hasn't changed a bit. Too much Spice in that last dose, that's what this must be. Will have to have that medic strangled. . . and where are my guards? And the servants? Is it some Imperial test? Or I've suddenly become a Navigator. He smirks slightly, but betrays no outward sign of fear as he presses on something beneath his voluminous robe and floats closer to the desk.

The man contemplates the quill a moment before picking it up, running his fingers along the feathers as he peruses the questions before him. A slight look of perplexed dismay crosses his features as he carefully reads over the queries, raising an eyebrow quizzically at a few of them. Strangest bit of paperwork I've ever seen. Trick questions, perhaps- I'm unfamiliar with many of the terms, but, if this is a test, best to pass it. There's probably a poisoner waiting in the wings, impatient for failure. He glances around the room with a brief flicker of paranoia, but then focuses on the questions at hand, the look of confusion turning analytical as he begins to scrawl down his answers, occasionally pausing to fidget with the quill.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Where cheese is concerned, it is difficult to select a clear favorite. I am fond of most cheeses, excepting base, common cheeses like cheddar. As a demanding gourmand, I am aware that the art of selecting a cheese is strongly influenced by what accompanies that cheese. However, I personally believe that circumstances are strongly influential on one's overall pleasure with any experience, and so, any high-quality cheese taken directly from an enemy's high table would prove a far more satisfying cheese than any other.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Assuming that both of these individuals require killing, I would order the death of whichever was apprehended first, unless both apprehended at the same time. In this situation, if it appeared amusing, I would let them determine the order of their own deaths in a gladiatorial match against one another. It is good to have choices.

3. What time is it where you are?

The Baron Harkonnen pauses a moment, and looks around the room, as if seeking a clock or a window. Upon failing to he becomes contemplative a moment, deliberating the answer thoughtfully before putting pen to parchment.

Whatever time I declare it to be. The concept of numbered time is an abstract, and very human idea, easily reordered by switching a few numbers on a clock face.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Assuming I am someone returned from the dead, and still capable of sexual harrassment, I'd select the prettiest one, of course. I would be pleased to make my selection if someone would provide me with an image of this "Order of the Phoenix".

5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Although running a Barony is probably a great deal like attempting to bartend in the dark, my experience at this means that I am entirely unfamiliar with the profession of bartending, and have never held a bartender's position.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Mythology suggests that lover's triangles are ill-fated things, likely to cause wars and hasten the demise of empires, such as the legendary ancient affair of Antony and Cleopatra. So, any involvement with either this Fred or this George, whoever they may be, is likely to be unhealthy for Harry. Marriage, however, is a political affair, and so, whichever one holds the more powerful position is a logical answer, if he cannot avoid marriage entirely. He can always keep whoever he likes as a concubine.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Something I have learned in my profession  as a planetary tyrant governor is that paperwork and idiots are two universal constants that no bureaucrat, regardless of rank, can avoid. As most of the paperwork is either necessitated due to the actions of idiots, or created by idiots, there will always be more paperwork, because anther idiot will place it on the desk even if it is clear there are more pressing matters at hand.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Much of my professional career to this point has involved asking this very question to other people, and giving them good reasons for it to be worth answering. As I've held the contract for the most valuable planet in the universe, it is a question that I appear to be very skilled at asking, and that in itself is useful.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

I would like to hope that offering my experience, strategic skills, and general talent for weaving intricate plots within plots would prove enough of a bribe in itself. However, I am aware that most bribes should be material in nature, or at least accompanied by something material, and so I can offer a quantity of Spice, the most valuable substance in the universe.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _Baron Vladimir Harkonnen_

He returns the quill to its original position, and, drifts away from the desk to wait patiently. He betrays only a slight trace of nervousness as he fidgets with a fold of his robe, waiting for something to happen.

Comments

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L was rather observant. He was, after all, the three greatest detectives in the world. "I see. Most things work through chemestry," he pointed out. "Or physics, which is a variant thereupon." He shoved his hands into his pockets. "Why does the lack of space travel frighten you?"

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron peered curiously at L. Perceptive, isn't he. A good quality. He smirked slightly, and decided to just answer bluntly instead of evading the point. "Because this does not appear to be my planet- without space travel, I think I'm stuck here."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L smiled. It wasn't really a happy smile, more a 'welcome to the boat' smile. "Even those of us from this planet cannot leave through conventional means. We run into the problem of multiple timelines and risk running into counterparts here or associates." Damn Mello and his restlessness.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

"So there's no leaving then. . . that'll be something to think about." He frowned slightly as he realized that this would mean his position was probably meaningless here, but the gears in his mind turned over another possibility swiftly, that was somewhat relieving. "Multiple timelines? So then. . . you suggest it is possible that I am still at home too?" If so, at least his Barony might still have experienced leadership. Feyd really wasn't ready just yet.

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L shrugged, quite an accomplishment given his slouch and hands in his pockets. He rubbed one foot, bare per preference, against his other ankle. "It is possible. I do know I have an analog here." He wouldn't talk about the popcorn system. It still hurt too much.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

"If space can be bent- perhaps time can, too. I'd believe just about anything, right now. It's been a very strange day. That Spice we were speaking of- that's one of it's uses. Bending space, if you're trained- I'm not sure how the Navigators do it, only they do. They're never seen. Mutations, they say." The Baron smiled, a cherubic expression given his fat features, but rather alarming when contrasted with the hard, ambitious spark in his eyes. "And so what is it that you do here?"

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L rubbed his foot against his ankle again. "According to one theory, time and space are the same thing so that when you bend one, you are bending the other." Mutations? An interesting sidetrack, but not for now. "Here? In this place? I am a student." Sort of. As much as anyone can be in a school with precious few classes.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

It was strange to know that in these circumstances, he was far less experienced than people who could technically be his grandchildren. But L appeared to be smart- the Baron was relieved that at least he wasn't surrounded by idiots. "And you learn about magic? Do you enjoy it?"

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

"Learning, yes. Though, I don't know if I can say I enjoy it. It is not my chosen field of specialization." Another shrug. "It passes the time, which is something." When he wasn't working on cases that would escape the notice of his counterpart. "Though, I suppose, it is also a necessity, as well."

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

"If we are stuck here, a way to pass time seems important." He could think of a few ways to pass the time if L were involved, a thought quickly subdued by the vexing fact that he had no slaves, no guards, and, wasn't likely to enjoy this sort of diversion anytime soon. He shifted his focus back to more important topics, and tried to force it to stay there. "It sounds like a necessity, if everyone else has been learning magic. Knowledge is power, and here, that sounds literal." Seeking power was a good diversion- it was impossible to have too much, and right now, he was painfully aware of not having enough.

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L's gaze sharpened a little, his chin coming up so that he wasn't looking through quite as much hair at the Baron. "Knowledge is knowledge. Power is power and something that corrupts. Those who see knowledge for power are corrupt," he said. A shrug. "Or something like that," he added, his posture relaxing back into a slouch. He tilted his head. "What magic that I have learned is learned for amusement or defense."

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

"Or we're in government, which instantly corrupts. The entire system, at least where I come from, is based on a delicate web of mostly false alliances. And so, knowledge is power- without it, we wouldn't know who's planning the next backstab, and can aim our own slightly better. This sounds like a somewhat different sort of place, if you have opportunities to use something like magic for amusement."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L's thumb came up to press against the corner of his mouth. "I do not work for any government. They come to me. I don't care about the politicking or any of that. I provide a service they want. That is a power that does not corrupt." That, and he was too stubborn to be corrupted by such power.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron smiled thoughtfully. He didn't really care much for the system either- unless it was his own. He had been trying to sack the boss and all, before ending up here. "If governments come calling, you must have some useful talents. Although, one might consider that if you worked for a government you considered corrupt, some of it might have rubbed off. It's impossible to avoid in government- a condition of survival instinct, perhaps. It's hard to play fair knowing there's a knife at your back."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

A smile curved L's mouth. "They would have to find me first. And, it is well known that I only take cases that interest me. Therefore, they cannot corrupt me." Having three aliases and a recluse was a very good thing in his line of work.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

This one's got to be trouble, the Baron thought. Which is often a very valuable quality. "Talented with deception, personally biased, and extremely self-confident- it would of course be impossible." He grinned at L's answer. Fine Harkonnen qualities, those. A bit like Feyd. "What line of work is this?"

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L smiled and bowed slightly, which might have come across as crouching more. "I am the world's three greatest detectives," he said, a note of pride in his voice. It had been difficult to gain the codes for the other two, after all. But, he had come out on top. "I take the cases I want and ignore the rest. I don't bother with anything with fewer than ten bodies or a million dollars at stake." Though, he had been told there would be an exception to that rule, but it was a very special case and not one that had come up in his personal history yet.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron smiled with sardonic amusement, idly playing with the cuff of his robe as he listened to L. He found it rather easy to believe that L was being entirely serious. He might look young for a master detective, but, outward packaging was often deceptive, and genius possible at any age. "It sounds as if you enjoy it- it's a valuable skill, but I'm sure you know that. You might not be charging enough, depending on who you're working for- and who wants you to work for them."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L smiled. "I charge enough to only work cases I want to." Enough to support an orphanage dedicated to creating his successors. Enough to build and customize large buildings quickly. Enough to support his odd habbits and keep him invisible. "And, I do enjoy what I do. I always win." The statement carried no pride, no humility. It was a simple statment of fact, almost as if delivered by a child. "And, you, other than govern, what do you do?"

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

"If more in your profession took that approach, it would save us governing sorts a lot of money- usually the one they really do the job for ends up being the best bidder. Even if they took another contract first." He smiled at L, wondering just how long he'd manage to maintain what seemed a very legitimate, almost innocent belief that he was incorruptible. It made him all the more charming. "And that is a very hard to answer question." He smiled thoughtfully, attempting to find the best way to phrase it. At this point, he might as well be blunt- at least if this was an elaborate Imperial scheme, which no longer seemed likely, he'd find out immediately. "I suppose I play at games- before this unexpected turn of events, I was only a couple moves away from stealing a planet while eliminating my family's ancestral enemies. After that, a few moves away from sacking the boss."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L frowned. "So, you have designs on overturning your government, then?" he asked. He shrugged. "I suppose that's the natural order of governments. They never really do last very long." He looked up at the ceiling, chewing on his thumb. "They never really change, either," he added after a moment.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron nodded, feeling a bizarre combination of relief and disappointment that the Sardaukar didn't appear to arrest him for an admission of treason. It meant that there was no question he was very far from home. "I did- I thought that my nephew would look much better on the throne, which needed a change after ten thousand years of Corrino control. My plan wasn't to take it myself- it was for the House. And no, it probably wouldn't have changed much for anyone but ourselves- it's all a game of survival in the end." He smirked. "And, everyone's cheating. It's how it's played, and to play it differently is to lose." As Duke Leto would have found out soon. Or might be finding out, if L's divergent timeline idea was true- he liked to think this was.

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L's gaze returned to the Baron. "Ten thousand years? That is a very long time. Most governments here last maybe a couple hundred years if those under them think they're worthwhile, much shorter if not." He tilted his head. "Perhaps it is the burden of space travel that slows the cycle down?" He shoved his hands in his pockets again. "If everyone is cheating, perhaps you are judging by the wrong rules, then?"

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron chuckled. "That could be- I suppose the overriding rule is an unwritten one, and that's to cheat." He thought about L's other question, one of his fat hands playing with the rings on the other. "I recall that in ancient times, governments were often short-lived. But I wonder if was the space travel that's allowed ours to live longer? Or was it that which enables it, the Spice? It slows aging and increases the lifespan. Perhaps an empire based on it would also have a prolonged longevity. Especially when there are immense monopolies involved, controlling all travel and commodities."

[pre-l.livejournal.com]

L looked at the Baron curiously. "Just how long does that Spice prolong your life?" he asked. He pulled his hands out of his pockets, several pieces of candy in them. He carefully unwrapped one with his teeth before eating it. "I haven't heard of greed prolonging lives, though," he muttered around the candy.