Application for Nikola Tesla - Callahan series by Spider Robinson

[callahans_genius]

The Victorian-dressed gentleman who walks through the door blinks and frowns. This was not where he had intended to Translate. Still, even though it's a myth that the Chinese symbols for "crisis" and "opportunity" were the same, Nikola is still moved by curiosity to explore in case the latter could be created from the apparent former.

Finding the application and the quill pen waiting for him on a writing desk, with his name already filled in at the top, only fuels the curiosity more. He reaches for the quill, only to have it dance from his grip. "Curious," he murmurs, blinking again as the quill dutifully scribbles out the word.

Ah, he thinks, careful not to speak again. I see! Very clever! When the pen does not move to his thoughts, he nods and turns his attention to the questions.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Though I have not had the pleasure of eating it for some time," he dictates for the quill, "I am a great fan of the Kashkaval from my homeland of Croatia. I am particularly fond of it sliced and grilled, as it does not melt as other cheeses do."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"I thoroughly disapprove of killing. However, I would not be upset should something unfortunate happen to that purple monstrosity."

3. What time is it where you are?

"Impossible to answer, as I do not currently know where I am. However, as I am almost certainly in the same ficton as I was before coming here, it should be shortly after midnight, Greenwich Mean Time."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Nikola thinks for a moment. "I am not familiar with any of these names, so I can unfortunately not think as they would. Further, I have no interest in sexual harassment of any sort. Such is thoroughly unbecoming."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

At this one, Tesla chuckles in recollection. "It is funny to ask this, as I have taken a turn behind the bar at my dear friend Jacob's bar. It is called simply The Place."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"Again, I am unfamiliar with these names, nor do I see how world mythologies can assist in such a choice."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"A variant of the Law of Diminishing Returns, I expect. The more you do, the more you are expected to do, and consequently, the less you accomplish."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Another soft chuckle. "Let me see. I invented radio, alternating current, the "AND" logic gate critical for computer circuitry, among quite a number of other things. I was called the Father of the Twentieth Century. Oh, and I have helped to save the universe on a number of occasions. Perhaps that is useful enough?"

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"Squibbing sounds rather unpleasant, so I suppose I must make some sort of offer. I am not certain what sort of bribe is likely to be accepted, so I can only truly offer my services as a scientist and inventor. Perhaps you require free electricity? Or other similar services? You shall have to tell me what you require, and we can come to terms."



I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. JRA
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. JRA
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. JRA
One day, marmalade will rule the world. JRA (Even though preserves will totally pwn marmalade.)

Comments

[chaotic-miles.livejournal.com]

Miles Vorkosigan barrelled into the Sorting Room and came to an abrupt stop at sight of a new applicant. He read the application over and then, practically bouncing with joy, offered the man one of his trademark manic grins.

"You, my good man, are definitely not useless," he asserted. "But I want to know more about this generating electricity thing. How do you propose to do that? Especially given that this place isn't exactly wired for standard electricity."

[callahans_genius]

"Standard electricity was not my thought," Nikola explains to the other man. "There are ways to extract the necessary power from the very earth itself and convert it to use in other forms."

[beets-r-god.livejournal.com]

"Fact," said Dwight, rolling his eyes at the camera off to the side. "Everyone knows Marconi invented the radio. And even if everyone is wrong, that still means you're indirectly responsible for inflicting Prince on the world. I should squib you just for that."

Yay, Dwight. Someone had finally let him in on the fact that he got to vote people into Hogwarts, kind of like a reverse Survivor, and he fully intended to make people beg for the one vote he was allowed.

[callahans_genius]

"That fool Marconi merely got the credit," Nikola says with a glower. "I suggest you research more fully the things of which you have no knowledge."

[mello-n-choco.livejournal.com]

"Father of the twentieth century? Actually, if you are indeed Tesla, you are the father of physics and the inventor of the twentieth century," I correct him from where I'm leaning against one of the columns. "Also, electric fields don't work properly around here, though, you might find that a challenge."

[callahans_genius]

He turns to the new speaker. "I have been called many things. It is sometimes difficult to keep track. But as far as electric fields not working, that is indeed a curious phenomenon. But I have faced similar problems before."

Nikola considers for a moment, then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small crackling ball of electricity. That, at least, still seems to work here. The ball splits into two smaller balls, and Tesla idly spins them in his hand like Zen meditation spheres as he thinks.

"I would have to do some experiments, of course, but I do not foresee any insurmountable difficulties."

[unluckiest-star.livejournal.com]

"You've saved the universe? I've saved the universe!" Starman crowed. "Well, not all by myself, of course, but still - wotta coincidence, right? Say, that's kind of a funny costume, though."

[callahans_genius]

Nikola looks down at his clothes and shrugs. "It is no costume, I assure you. Perhaps a little out-of-date by the standards of this time period, but still a gentlemanly mode of dress."

[superfraternal.livejournal.com]

Cue Simon Tam's infrequently-seen fanboy mode.

"Doctor Tesla? It's such an honor to meet you."

[callahans_genius]

He smiles, glad to be at last recognized. "Please, call me Nikky."

[woocha.livejournal.com]

You're in Scotland! So I think the time's the same!

Helpful Wishbone is helpful.

[callahans_genius]

"Scotland, is it?" he says with a nod, completely nonplussed by the talking dog. Being friends with Ralph von Wau Wau quickly conditions one to such things. "That is drastically off course from my intended destination. I wonder how such a thing happened."

[wrinklesintime.livejournal.com]

Meg hadn't been to the sorting room in a long time. This was largely because her mun kept forgetting about her, but it also could be explained away by the fact that she was still struggling to learn Arithmancy. It was frustrating her, and so she'd left the library to find someone to talk to and just happened to notice a new applicant.

The fact that it was Tesla brought her out of the teenage doldrums with which she was normally afflicted, and she had to go say hello.

"Ohmygosh, sir, it's... Wow! I never thought someone like you would ever show up here! My dad's a huge fan of yours. Could I... Could I get an autograph?" She grabbed one of the rolls of parchment on which she'd been doodling arithmancy notes and looked for a clean section.

[callahans_genius]

Tesla just beams.

"Ordinarily, I would have to say no because of the dangers to the timestream. But I am learning that this is no ordinary place, so I do not believe there would be any harm. I would be happy to, young lady."

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"An inventor, huh? I'm a flying instructor, which is sort of like an inventor, because you have to take old games like Creaothceann and Shuntbumps and reinvent them so that people don't die while playing them!" Ron was quite proud of his new hobby, as most wizarding games made this quite difficult.

"So... have you invented a cure for gravity yet?"

[callahans_genius]

Tesla laughs. It's not derisive, but in the spirit of one sharing a joke. "A cure? I can but wish. I am afraid that such things elude even myself. The most I have been able to devise is a sonic cushion that can be employed to slow a rapid descent into something considerably less fatal."

[400-years-young.livejournal.com]

"You know, I bought Edison a beer when he got the lightbulb to work," John Amsterdam said. "I should buy you one, too, because you've made modern living much better."

[callahans_genius]

Nikola smiles wistfully. "Ah, yes, Tom. It is to my dismay that we never managed to reconcile our differences. But I will gladly accept a beer from you, friend, and drink to his memory."

[do-me-a-solid.livejournal.com]

A rather large, intimidating anteater lumbered into the hall. He had yet to come to a 'sorting' since his arrival, but since he had the time and was in the area, decided to let curiosity get the better of him. He attempted to grab a copy of Tesla's application, but his thin sharp claws failed at this task miserably. He frowned, revealing a row of razor sharp teeth all the way down the length of his long nose.

Sighing, he forced the swedenborgian space around him to envelop him in bright light for a moment. When the light cleared a young pale boy with long black hair stood in his place. "Much better." he said to himself in a cool tone as he now easily picked up the paper.

He read over it quickly but carefully, then placed it back on the table. "I have a feeling there's a lot of valubale knowledge in that head of yours, Sparky." His accent and tone of his voice sounded like a prohibition era mobster. "I bet you and I could have some interesting discussions on magnetics, dirac seas, quantum particles. And how they correlate with the type of travel that most people here have only experienced once." He nodded knowingly at Tesla.

[callahans_genius]

When your friends include a half-pooka, a cluricane, and a werebeagle, very little startles you when it comes to the forms that people take.

"I would have great interest in such a conversation," Tesla admits.

[carriesapurse.livejournal.com]

And now for something completely different.

"Eh-oh!" A purple-bodied monstrosity bounded into the Sorting Room, flapping one of its pawlike hands madly. Its ivory face seemed frozen in an insipid smile.

"One day in Hogwartstubbyland, Tinky Winky met a new person," intoned a disembodied male voice, its locus nowhere identifiable, save that it seemed to be somewhere in the purple thing's vicinity.

"Eh-oh!" repeated the thing, which was apparently Tinky Winky.

"Tinky Winky said hello," the ever-present narrator's voice interpreted.

Satisfied with the interpretation, Tinky Winky began to dance a funky dance involving the swiveling of his bulbous hips.

[callahans_genius]

Tesla cocks his head at this new creature. He figures the disembodied voice to be a translator of some kind and nods in greeting.

"Hello to you as well."

[methleigh.livejournal.com]

So, this gentleman had invented radio. He seems serious and literate. There are two issues here that Severus is interested in pursuing. He cautiously approaches the first.

"From what have you saved the universe, in what manner, and for what reason?" He is a little abrupt, but his role here is that of interrogator. "Professor Snape, Head of the Hospital Wing, former Potions Master and former Master of Defence against the Dark Arts."

He has taken to investigating the Sorting Room from time to time.

[callahans_genius]

He nods his head in greeting. "Professor."

Nikola clears his throat. "In one instance, the most notable in this context, from humanity's own short-sightedness. The manner involved launching a short-range ballistic missile in order to distract a defense satellite at a crucial moment to keep it from creating a chain reaction that would have obliterated all matter. The reason... well, I suppose it is because I have grown fond of it and desired it to be around a bit longer."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Do you happen to have one of those 'Greenwich'es on hand?" The Hat made a disturbing slurping sound through its flaps. This was particularly disturbing as the Hat had no saliva. "It sounds," it made a smacking sound in anticipation, "moldy."

[callahans_genius]

"Only if you're a fungi," Tesla puns in return. "Ah, that takes me bacteri-ed in memory."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Someone who can go pun-to-pun with me could only belong in one house!

Your bribe has been accepted.

Welcome to Ravenclaw!