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hh_mirror((Note for those of you who have not seen Arrested Development: The show has a narrator, who is voiced by Ron Howard and who acts like sort of a Greek Chorus, commenting on the action. He's very integral to the style of the show, so I've chosen to include him here. That said, this is totally a stylistic thing -- like how some characters are written in first-person -- so your characters won't be able to hear anything, and anyone with psychic or extrasensory abilities isn't going to notice anything. It's just for fun.
Anything written in italics will be the narrator's commentary.
Also, there are spoilers in the comments, so be forewarned!))
This is Lucille Bluth. Moments ago, she was on the deck of the Queen Mary, but now she's found herself here, in a very strange place indeed.
"What the hell is this?" Lucille snapped. "Is this one of GOB's stupid magic tricks? Oh, God." She sighed wearily, putting a hand to her forehead. "I knew I shouldn't have gotten into the Aztec Tomb."
Lucille's oldest son, George Oscar Bluth II, a.k.a. GOB, was a magician who had given Lucille absolutely no reason to believe in magic. His most notorious trick was called the Aztec Tomb, and it had had some poor results in the past.
"GOB?" Lucille shouted at the walls. "You let me out of here right now, or so help me--"
And that was when Lucille spotted the form sitting on the table in front of her.
"Oh? What's this?" Lucille moved closer to take a look. "Application...? What on earth?" Suddenly, her face cleared. "Oh! This must be for the club. Well, if it will get us back in..."
She sat down and began to write, only to discover that the pen -- actually a Dictaquill -- was already doing the writing for her. Assuming the country club she thought she was at had upgraded its computer systems, she took this in stride.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Port wine cheese," Lucille answered promptly, and then looked a little defensive. "What? I like the color."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrot Top?
Lucille scoffed at the application. "I don't know who those people are and I won't answer the question. And where's my vodka?"
3. What time is it where you are?
"Four-thirty, the last time I checked. Oh, there you are."
Lucille was addressing the House Elf that had just appeared with her drink. She might have been more surprised had she actually looked at him, but she had only once in her life made eye contact with a waiter, and she had no intention of repeating that mistake.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Oh, I don't need to sexually harass anyone. I get more than enough attention on my own, believe me." She paused. "What did I do with my rape horn?"
The 'rape horn' was actually just a regular air horn, and she'd gotten more use out of it as a warning system for her husband, George Sr. It warned him that sexual harassment was in his immediate future.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Well, there was only one way to answer that.
"Rehab." Lucille smirked.
B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
An expression of bitterness passed across Lucille's face, and her mouth set into a thin line. "He should be with whichever one takes care of his family. Whichever one doesn't just run off and leave him behind at the slightest whim. Whichever one won't abandon him for some secretary."
She sighed and sipped at her drink. "Or, barring that, he should go for the one with the best hair." She shook her head, looking wistful. "Oh, that hair..."
C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Lucille shrugged. "Shred it. I mean... not that I would know anything about that, of course."
Lucille's look of wide-eyed innocence was about as convincing as the fake driver's license she kept in her wallet in case she ever needed to show it to anyone. It said she was 40.
D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
But she kept up the act anyway.
"Useless? Why, everything I do is for my family." Lucille put a hand to her chest in a heartfelt gesture of sincerity, while taking a sip of her vodka. "I've raised four children -- five, if you count Annyong--"
She paused, as if waiting for something. When nothing happened, she glanced around, shrugged, and continued.
"--And I've cared for them as best as I can, and for my dear husband George. I feed them, I clothe them, I look after them when they're sick or scared or... or bored." She smiled. "I'm a full-time mother, and it's the hardest job in the world, but I just love my family so much I can't help myself."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"A bribe? Me?" Her eyes widened. "Oh, I don't know. Isn't that illegal? Because I would never do anything illegal."
For all her acting, Lucille was all too familiar with bribery. She had bribed investors to get better deals, government officials to bypass restrictions, corporate lawyers, her own family, and even her husband for... never mind.
Lucille's naive expression vanished; her eyes narrowed and grew sharp, one brow arching high. "Why?" she asked coolly. "What do you want?"
"I have read the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. LB
I have read thehogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. LB.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. LB.
One day,marmalade I marmalade will rule the world. LB"
Anything written in italics will be the narrator's commentary.
Also, there are spoilers in the comments, so be forewarned!))
This is Lucille Bluth. Moments ago, she was on the deck of the Queen Mary, but now she's found herself here, in a very strange place indeed.
"What the hell is this?" Lucille snapped. "Is this one of GOB's stupid magic tricks? Oh, God." She sighed wearily, putting a hand to her forehead. "I knew I shouldn't have gotten into the Aztec Tomb."
Lucille's oldest son, George Oscar Bluth II, a.k.a. GOB, was a magician who had given Lucille absolutely no reason to believe in magic. His most notorious trick was called the Aztec Tomb, and it had had some poor results in the past.
"GOB?" Lucille shouted at the walls. "You let me out of here right now, or so help me--"
And that was when Lucille spotted the form sitting on the table in front of her.
"Oh? What's this?" Lucille moved closer to take a look. "Application...? What on earth?" Suddenly, her face cleared. "Oh! This must be for the club. Well, if it will get us back in..."
She sat down and began to write, only to discover that the pen -- actually a Dictaquill -- was already doing the writing for her. Assuming the country club she thought she was at had upgraded its computer systems, she took this in stride.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
"Port wine cheese," Lucille answered promptly, and then looked a little defensive. "What? I like the color."
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrot Top?
Lucille scoffed at the application. "I don't know who those people are and I won't answer the question. And where's my vodka?"
3. What time is it where you are?
"Four-thirty, the last time I checked. Oh, there you are."
Lucille was addressing the House Elf that had just appeared with her drink. She might have been more surprised had she actually looked at him, but she had only once in her life made eye contact with a waiter, and she had no intention of repeating that mistake.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
"Oh, I don't need to sexually harass anyone. I get more than enough attention on my own, believe me." She paused. "What did I do with my rape horn?"
The 'rape horn' was actually just a regular air horn, and she'd gotten more use out of it as a warning system for her husband, George Sr. It warned him that sexual harassment was in his immediate future.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Well, there was only one way to answer that.
"Rehab." Lucille smirked.
B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
An expression of bitterness passed across Lucille's face, and her mouth set into a thin line. "He should be with whichever one takes care of his family. Whichever one doesn't just run off and leave him behind at the slightest whim. Whichever one won't abandon him for some secretary."
She sighed and sipped at her drink. "Or, barring that, he should go for the one with the best hair." She shook her head, looking wistful. "Oh, that hair..."
C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Lucille shrugged. "Shred it. I mean... not that I would know anything about that, of course."
Lucille's look of wide-eyed innocence was about as convincing as the fake driver's license she kept in her wallet in case she ever needed to show it to anyone. It said she was 40.
D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
But she kept up the act anyway.
"Useless? Why, everything I do is for my family." Lucille put a hand to her chest in a heartfelt gesture of sincerity, while taking a sip of her vodka. "I've raised four children -- five, if you count Annyong--"
She paused, as if waiting for something. When nothing happened, she glanced around, shrugged, and continued.
"--And I've cared for them as best as I can, and for my dear husband George. I feed them, I clothe them, I look after them when they're sick or scared or... or bored." She smiled. "I'm a full-time mother, and it's the hardest job in the world, but I just love my family so much I can't help myself."
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"A bribe? Me?" Her eyes widened. "Oh, I don't know. Isn't that illegal? Because I would never do anything illegal."
For all her acting, Lucille was all too familiar with bribery. She had bribed investors to get better deals, government officials to bypass restrictions, corporate lawyers, her own family, and even her husband for... never mind.
Lucille's naive expression vanished; her eyes narrowed and grew sharp, one brow arching high. "Why?" she asked coolly. "What do you want?"
"I have read the
hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. LBI have read the
hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. LB.I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. LB.
One day,
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-26 10:21 pm (UTC)Having raised three sons and a daughter, Lucille was now all but immune to hostility. Luckily, it was a trait she had also passed down to most of her children.
Unfortunately, she was currently feeling a little hostility of her own towards Annyong, about whom she had just recently had certain troubling revelations (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_from_Arrested_Development#Hel-loh_.22Annyong.22_Bluth), and she found it hard to disguise.
"Oh, Annyong is our adopted Korean son the ungrateful little brat." This last part was muttered under her breath, a scowl twisting her features. She quickly recovered and smiled airily. "We took him in about two years ago and he's been with us ever since."
no subject
Date: 2007-12-27 01:32 am (UTC)See? Small talk. Casual chatting. It was pretty obvious that Brice was suspicious of this applicant. He couldn't really help it, though. She felt too much like a distant relative.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 03:09 am (UTC)"How old is who?"
Most of the time.
"You mean Annyong?" Lucille seemed surprised. "Oh, well, he acts so much older than he really is. He's wise beyond his years. He's even more mature than my son Buster."
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 11:09 am (UTC)"Yes, Annyong," said Brice irritably. "Him being the current object of our discussion, it was him I was referring to." How about that?
Lucille's further words on Annyong unrelatedly brought on thoughts of Dominic, who'd always been more mature than Brice. Smarter, too. But, since Dom was a genius that would help the world and all, Brice held no grudges for that.
"Good for you," he said with a nod. "You should treasure people like that. But you didn't answer my question."
no subject
Date: 2007-12-30 07:32 am (UTC)It was at this point that a House Elf appeared, bearing another drink for Lucille. She took one look at it (the drink, not the elf) and scowled. "No, no -- I said tonic, not lime, for God's sake! Bring me another one." She put the glass back on the tray and dismissed the House Elf with a wave.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-31 05:35 pm (UTC)"You're in the Sorting Room at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry," he chuckled. "This is a trial, sorry. It's when people here decide if they like you enough to vote you somewhere. So far, you're not giving off a good first impression, I'm sad to say. It's not a country club. Acting like you own the place isn't gonna do you any favours." Free tip for the new arrival.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-03 06:17 am (UTC)"This is the trial? What do you mean?" She frowned and glanced around, then reached into her purse for a compact. "Is this the courthouse? Where's the judge -- do we have Ping again? Where's Barry?"
The Bluth family had been dealing with the courts now for several years, ever since the initial arrest of Lucille's husband, George Senior. She had gained a lot of experience.
Lucille examined her face in her compact mirror and attempted to sniffle convincingly.
Vote: Sparklypoo!
Date: 2008-01-03 10:52 am (UTC)"You know what? Never mind. Welcome to Hogwarts, lady. Make sure you enjoy the free snacks that you'll occasionally stumble across in the castle; they're always excellent."
He cast his vote and began moving towards the exit. This conversation had left him with one massive headache.