Application: Lucille Bluth, "Arrested Development"

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

((Note for those of you who have not seen Arrested Development: The show has a narrator, who is voiced by Ron Howard and who acts like sort of a Greek Chorus, commenting on the action. He's very integral to the style of the show, so I've chosen to include him here. That said, this is totally a stylistic thing -- like how some characters are written in first-person -- so your characters won't be able to hear anything, and anyone with psychic or extrasensory abilities isn't going to notice anything. It's just for fun.

Anything written in italics will be the narrator's commentary.

Also, there are spoilers in the comments, so be forewarned!))

This is Lucille Bluth. Moments ago, she was on the deck of the Queen Mary, but now she's found herself here, in a very strange place indeed.

"What the hell is this?" Lucille snapped. "Is this one of GOB's stupid magic tricks? Oh, God." She sighed wearily, putting a hand to her forehead. "I knew I shouldn't have gotten into the Aztec Tomb."

Lucille's oldest son, George Oscar Bluth II, a.k.a. GOB, was a magician who had given Lucille absolutely no reason to believe in magic. His most notorious trick was called the Aztec Tomb, and it had had some poor results in the past.

"GOB?" Lucille shouted at the walls. "You let me out of here right now, or so help me--"

And that was when Lucille spotted the form sitting on the table in front of her.

"Oh? What's this?" Lucille moved closer to take a look. "Application...? What on earth?" Suddenly, her face cleared. "Oh! This must be for the club. Well, if it will get us back in..."

She sat down and began to write, only to discover that the pen -- actually a Dictaquill -- was already doing the writing for her. Assuming the country club she thought she was at had upgraded its computer systems, she took this in stride.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Port wine cheese," Lucille answered promptly, and then looked a little defensive. "What? I like the color."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrot Top?

Lucille scoffed at the application. "I don't know who those people are and I won't answer the question. And where's my vodka?"

3. What time is it where you are?

"Four-thirty, the last time I checked. Oh, there you are."

Lucille was addressing the House Elf that had just appeared with her drink. She might have been more surprised had she actually looked at him, but she had only once in her life made eye contact with a waiter, and she had no intention of repeating that mistake.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"Oh, I don't need to sexually harass anyone. I get more than enough attention on my own, believe me." She paused. "What did I do with my rape horn?"

The 'rape horn' was actually just a regular air horn, and she'd gotten more use out of it as a warning system for her husband, George Sr. It warned him that sexual harassment was in his immediate future.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

Well, there was only one way to answer that.

"Rehab." Lucille smirked.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

An expression of bitterness passed across Lucille's face, and her mouth set into a thin line. "He should be with whichever one takes care of his family. Whichever one doesn't just run off and leave him behind at the slightest whim. Whichever one won't abandon him for some secretary."

She sighed and sipped at her drink. "Or, barring that, he should go for the one with the best hair." She shook her head, looking wistful. "Oh, that hair..."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

Lucille shrugged. "Shred it. I mean... not that I would know anything about that, of course."

Lucille's look of wide-eyed innocence was about as convincing as the fake driver's license she kept in her wallet in case she ever needed to show it to anyone. It said she was 40.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

But she kept up the act anyway.

"Useless? Why, everything I do is for my family." Lucille put a hand to her chest in a heartfelt gesture of sincerity, while taking a sip of her vodka. "I've raised four children -- five, if you count Annyong--"

She paused, as if waiting for something. When nothing happened, she glanced around, shrugged, and continued.

"--And I've cared for them as best as I can, and for my dear husband George. I feed them, I clothe them, I look after them when they're sick or scared or... or bored." She smiled. "I'm a full-time mother, and it's the hardest job in the world, but I just love my family so much I can't help myself."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"A bribe? Me?" Her eyes widened. "Oh, I don't know. Isn't that illegal? Because I would never do anything illegal."

For all her acting, Lucille was all too familiar with bribery. She had bribed investors to get better deals, government officials to bypass restrictions, corporate lawyers, her own family, and even her husband for... never mind.

Lucille's naive expression vanished; her eyes narrowed and grew sharp, one brow arching high. "Why?" she asked coolly. "What do you want?"


"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. LB
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. LB.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. LB.
One day, marmalade I marmalade will rule the world. LB"

Comments

Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

Ron didn't know why this lady scared him, but she sorta did. She reminded him a little bit like a skeleton who forgot to take off its skin, and she smelled like Uncle Bilius, rest his soul and his daisies. But either way, there wasn't much else to do, and it wasn't as if Ron hadn't met scary new students before.

Besides, she was old. Real old. Maybe she was then experienced enough to know about the Furries.

"Ravenclaw." Ron declared. "Hey there!"

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

"What claw?" Lucille frowned at the boy, bewildered. "You're not talking about my son Buster, are you? Because I don't appreciate the reference, if so. Who are you?"

Re: Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"Buster's in Ravenclaw? I haven't seen him around." He was a bit put off by her tone, but his mother taught him to be polite to his elders. He could try at least. He swallowed and started again. "I'm Ron Weasley, from Slytherin."

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Lucille was suspicious, and thought that maybe the boy was speaking in some kind of code. She suspected that 'Slytherin' might be a reference to her best friend and chief rival, Lucille Austero, who had once had such extreme vertigo that she could hardly stand -- and therefore had to slither on the floor.

Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, you are, are you? You haven't seen a bald man around here, have you? He's completely hairless. He has Lilliputia."

Lucille Austero was dating Stan Sitwell, the head of Bluth Company rival Sitwell Housing. Sitwell suffered from alopecia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alopecia_universalis), which had made him hairless. Lucille had confused his condition with a race of tiny people (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lilliput_and_Blefuscu) from the book Gulliver's Travels. She now, however, suspected Sitwell and Lucille 2 of doing to her what the real Lilliputians had done to Gulliver, and capturing her for their own nefarious purposes.

[anythingawesome.livejournal.com]

As the head of Dunder Mifflin Hogsmeade's Party Planning Committe (she and Pam had never actually talked about who was the leader, but Kelly had the better shoe collection, so she was obviously the default choice), and dear friend of Hedwig Robinson, Sasan, and other very awesome people, Kelly knew fabulous.

And this woman? Was vintage fabulous.

"Hair is a totally great way to pick out a partner. My boyfriend, Ryaaaan, had the best hair ever, and we're very happy together!"

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Lucille had never actually met an Indian person before, and since she still thought she was at a country club, she was a little surprised to see Kelly there. On the other hand, she liked people who agreed with her, and so she decided to be friendly to the woman she had decided was probably a hostess of some kind.

"Oh, yes." She nodded and crossed her legs. "It's hard to beat a full, thick head of luscious hair... Oh, how I loved that hair." Her eyelashes fluttered, a smile flashing across her face. It was gone, however, almost instantly, and then she rolled her eyes. "But now it's all gone and he's just a pot-smoking putz with only one pair of pants. Oh well."

She finished her drink and held the glass out to Kelly expectantly. "It's vodka tonic."

[anythingawesome.livejournal.com]

"That's too bad," Kelly sympathized. "Ryan's got a huge collection of pants. Some of them are even stylish!" Mostly the ones Kelly had picked out.

...Huh. Kelly looked down at the glass and smiled, slightly confused. "Um, no thank you. I stick with appletinis. Or mangotinis. Fruit-tinis in general."

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Lucille didn't like having to order drinks twice, and was displeased by Kelly's lack of understanding. She felt ostracized by what she thought must be a new club policy of hiring slow immigrants and forcing them onto new and returning members. Maybe, she thought, it was a new program, like the street gangs-into-dentists website she'd once found.

"Oh, lord," she muttered to herself. "They're taking on MRFs (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mr._F) now?"

Looking back at Kelly, she raised her voice and began talking slowly. "I'd like ANOTHER ONE, please. That's a VODKA TONIC."

[charlesmacaulay.livejournal.com]

Oh, God. This woman was horrible. Charles had definitely picked the wrong day to go looking for Camilla in the Sorting Room. (She was there so often, and Henry there so seldom, that it was a much better bet than dropping by Gryffindor.)

Charles offered a smile that showed nothing of his discomfort. "Port wine cheese is sort of pretty, isn't it?" he said politely.

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Lucille seemed a little taken aback by the question, but she rallied herself and plastered on a smile. "Oh, uh, yes. What a lovely color. It matches my lovely carpet and my lovely drapes. It's really so very lovely."

This was a bald-faced lie: Lucille's only reason for picking port wine cheese was the name, and by extension one of the ingredients. Guess which one.

"Are you a member here?" Lucille asked. "I can't believe what they've done with the place."

[charlesmacaulay.livejournal.com]

"I'm glad to hear the carpet and the drapes match," said Charles, utterly straight-faced and innocent. "What have they done with the place? This one, not yours. I'm afraid I haven't been here more than a few months."

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

"So you're new, then?" Lucille nodded. "Of course, I was wondering why I hadn't seen you before. I used to know everyone!" She looked around wistfully. "How times change. I can't say I'm a fan of the new decor around here. And I don't know how they manage to keep it clean, what with the staff of--"

Realizing that badmouthing the people she took to be staff (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1510963.html?thread=76444723#t76444723) publicly might get her into trouble with the club, Lucille took a different approach.

"--lovely people that must work their fingers to the bone." She smiled thinly. "Anyway. I'm Lucille Bluth," she said, in a tone that made it clear she assumed Charles would recognize the name.

[vbraithwaite.livejournal.com]

Completely paralytic, Virginia stumbled over to the next victim,

"Fuck off you fucking piece of shit"

And merrily lay down in the middle of the room, singing a few choice Christmas carols.

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Lucille stared witheringly at Virginia, one brow arched, twisting her martini glass idly between her fingers. "And the horse you rode in on," she muttered in cold reply, then snorted with disdain. "Amateur."

[angelicbadboy.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. It was his mother (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1421452.html), in about ten years or so. The Hufflepuff answer actually made Brice shiver. How much of that could he trust was sincere, and how much was a clever act in case there were journalists around? Lucille did look older than Laura presumably ever would (Laura would of course never admit to aging, and would without a doubt take every precation necessary to maintain her beauty for as long as possible), but it was a type that he recognised well. Hopefully this one had more morals than dear old Mum, though. It didn't take much to have more morals than Laura de Winter, who was one step away from being a demon in human disguise, but he was going to stay suspicious until proven otherwise.

Yes, Brice was aware he had trust issues.

He looked at Lucille for a long, long time, his face carefully blank. He was sorely tempted to just Squib and leave, but Mel would scold him for that once he told her, and scolding just wasn't fun. So he decided to have a friendly conversation instead. Well, friendly-ish.

"Who's Annyong?" Brice asked, fighting to sound, well, not openly hostile. He did manage to not glare, though. That was an improvement.

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

((Note: Link includes a major spoiler for the last episode of Arrested Development!))

Having raised three sons and a daughter, Lucille was now all but immune to hostility. Luckily, it was a trait she had also passed down to most of her children.

Unfortunately, she was currently feeling a little hostility of her own towards Annyong, about whom she had just recently had certain troubling revelations (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Characters_from_Arrested_Development#Hel-loh_.22Annyong.22_Bluth), and she found it hard to disguise.

"Oh, Annyong is our adopted Korean son the ungrateful little brat." This last part was muttered under her breath, a scowl twisting her features. She quickly recovered and smiled airily. "We took him in about two years ago and he's been with us ever since."

[angelicbadboy.livejournal.com]

"Nice of you," Brice deadpanned, searching Lucille's face for any signs of her not telling the truth. Really, the mind-reading skills would have been nice right about now. "To take someone in like that. How old is he?"

See? Small talk. Casual chatting. It was pretty obvious that Brice was suspicious of this applicant. He couldn't really help it, though. She felt too much like a distant relative.

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Having been in the real-estate business for the last forty years, Lucille was now a master in the fine art of lying.

"How old is who?"

Most of the time.

"You mean Annyong?" Lucille seemed surprised. "Oh, well, he acts so much older than he really is. He's wise beyond his years. He's even more mature than my son Buster."

[buggy-genius.livejournal.com]

Oh god. This brought back memories of every high-society party that he'd been dragged to as a kid. In his mind, she was every booze-chugging, pill-popping, lipstick wearing, cheek-pinching, snide-talking, hair-dyeing, martyr-complex-having, old-money-smelling lady he'd ever been forced to be nice to all rolled into one and getting drinks from house elves. It set him on edge.

He shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets and gave her a "You're not impressing me one bit, you know" look which may have been more intimidating if he hadn't been dressed like he'd just rolled out of bed and if he'd been a few inches taller. "So... who are you exactly?"

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

In Lucille's defense, she probably wasn't going to pinch his cheek; but in Hodgins' defense, that was only because she didn't like to be touched. Especially not by people she suspected of being homeless.

Lucille gave Hodgins a withering, pitiless look. "I'm Lucile Bluth. Who are you?"

[buggy-genius.livejournal.com]

"Jack Hodgins. Dr. Jack Hodgins. So, what do you do exactly? Besides the vodka thing, I mean."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Hair is very important," the Hat agreed. "I know that's who I'd go for if given a choice that wasn't another hat."

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Lucille had managed to take everything else in stride, but now she found herself nonplussed.

She stared at the Hat for several moments, blank-faced. Finally, she leaned forward, looking a little worried, and said: "Gene? (http://the-op.com/cast/Gene+Parmesan) Is that you?"

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Of course not. What kind of a silly name is Gene? I'm the Hat."

Slytherin!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Slytherin!