Application: Lucille Bluth, "Arrested Development"

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

((Note for those of you who have not seen Arrested Development: The show has a narrator, who is voiced by Ron Howard and who acts like sort of a Greek Chorus, commenting on the action. He's very integral to the style of the show, so I've chosen to include him here. That said, this is totally a stylistic thing -- like how some characters are written in first-person -- so your characters won't be able to hear anything, and anyone with psychic or extrasensory abilities isn't going to notice anything. It's just for fun.

Anything written in italics will be the narrator's commentary.

Also, there are spoilers in the comments, so be forewarned!))

This is Lucille Bluth. Moments ago, she was on the deck of the Queen Mary, but now she's found herself here, in a very strange place indeed.

"What the hell is this?" Lucille snapped. "Is this one of GOB's stupid magic tricks? Oh, God." She sighed wearily, putting a hand to her forehead. "I knew I shouldn't have gotten into the Aztec Tomb."

Lucille's oldest son, George Oscar Bluth II, a.k.a. GOB, was a magician who had given Lucille absolutely no reason to believe in magic. His most notorious trick was called the Aztec Tomb, and it had had some poor results in the past.

"GOB?" Lucille shouted at the walls. "You let me out of here right now, or so help me--"

And that was when Lucille spotted the form sitting on the table in front of her.

"Oh? What's this?" Lucille moved closer to take a look. "Application...? What on earth?" Suddenly, her face cleared. "Oh! This must be for the club. Well, if it will get us back in..."

She sat down and began to write, only to discover that the pen -- actually a Dictaquill -- was already doing the writing for her. Assuming the country club she thought she was at had upgraded its computer systems, she took this in stride.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Port wine cheese," Lucille answered promptly, and then looked a little defensive. "What? I like the color."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrot Top?

Lucille scoffed at the application. "I don't know who those people are and I won't answer the question. And where's my vodka?"

3. What time is it where you are?

"Four-thirty, the last time I checked. Oh, there you are."

Lucille was addressing the House Elf that had just appeared with her drink. She might have been more surprised had she actually looked at him, but she had only once in her life made eye contact with a waiter, and she had no intention of repeating that mistake.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"Oh, I don't need to sexually harass anyone. I get more than enough attention on my own, believe me." She paused. "What did I do with my rape horn?"

The 'rape horn' was actually just a regular air horn, and she'd gotten more use out of it as a warning system for her husband, George Sr. It warned him that sexual harassment was in his immediate future.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

Well, there was only one way to answer that.

"Rehab." Lucille smirked.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

An expression of bitterness passed across Lucille's face, and her mouth set into a thin line. "He should be with whichever one takes care of his family. Whichever one doesn't just run off and leave him behind at the slightest whim. Whichever one won't abandon him for some secretary."

She sighed and sipped at her drink. "Or, barring that, he should go for the one with the best hair." She shook her head, looking wistful. "Oh, that hair..."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

Lucille shrugged. "Shred it. I mean... not that I would know anything about that, of course."

Lucille's look of wide-eyed innocence was about as convincing as the fake driver's license she kept in her wallet in case she ever needed to show it to anyone. It said she was 40.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

But she kept up the act anyway.

"Useless? Why, everything I do is for my family." Lucille put a hand to her chest in a heartfelt gesture of sincerity, while taking a sip of her vodka. "I've raised four children -- five, if you count Annyong--"

She paused, as if waiting for something. When nothing happened, she glanced around, shrugged, and continued.

"--And I've cared for them as best as I can, and for my dear husband George. I feed them, I clothe them, I look after them when they're sick or scared or... or bored." She smiled. "I'm a full-time mother, and it's the hardest job in the world, but I just love my family so much I can't help myself."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"A bribe? Me?" Her eyes widened. "Oh, I don't know. Isn't that illegal? Because I would never do anything illegal."

For all her acting, Lucille was all too familiar with bribery. She had bribed investors to get better deals, government officials to bypass restrictions, corporate lawyers, her own family, and even her husband for... never mind.

Lucille's naive expression vanished; her eyes narrowed and grew sharp, one brow arching high. "Why?" she asked coolly. "What do you want?"


"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. LB
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. LB.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. LB.
One day, marmalade I marmalade will rule the world. LB"

Comments

Re: Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"Right!" Ron barked. "We just started getting to know each other. As in, we just met. Five seconds ago. And wasn't six seconds ago grand?" Ron stopped himself, as his mother's advisement to be kind to his elders warred with Ron's innate need not to be whored out. His parents never gave him a lecture about the last thing, but he had some thoughts on where they would stand on that issue. But would it precede manners? "I mean. Uh, we'd have met each other six seconds ago. Seven. Sevensev- Eight."

The redhead nodded and his voice cracked for the first time in quite a while. "So-" He cleared his throat, and tried to regain his more confident tone. "Since we just met, why don't you tell me about yourself. Some nice, impersonal, polite details." No details about tattoos or sexcapades please!

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Lucille considered the offer.

"You first," she said shortly, smirking at Ron. She sat back, crossed her legs, and sipped at her drink. "I'll show you mine if you show me yours."

That didn't mean what she thought it did, and she probably would have been concerned to know what Ron thought she was talking about.

Or maybe not.

Re: Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

As Lucille crossed her legs Ron looked up at the ceiling and tried real hard not to cry. When he felt it was safe, he looked back down, carefully, at her forehead. Even that wasn't much of a relief, because she had a lot of wrinkles, which to Ron's anxious mind seemed to form into a Rorschach of smutty images.

"What if..." His mind darted back and forth in fear. "What if I show you something else? Um, Hogwarts! And Hogsmeade. They're nice. And real public, too!"

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

"Hogswhat?" For the first time, Lucille looked honestly confused. She let out a lofty huff and waved a hand at Ron. "I don't know what that is and I don't care to. It sounds disgusting. I don't know, the things people will get up to in public nowadays..." She tsked and shook her head. "Horrible."

Re: Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"Oh," Ron said, looking vaguely disappointed. "You're not going to like stepping around with me. I get up to things in public nowadays. Outrageous, zany things. I'm wild!" He waved his hands. "And they probably are worse than horrible. They're horrible horrible horrible. I can't do anything in private." Where no one could hear you scream!

"Too bad, so sad. But I'm glad we got this cleared up between us."

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

((Whoops! Reposted for HTML))

Lucille gave Ron a quizzical look. "What are you, in those videos (http://the-op.com/object/Girls%2BWith%2BLow%2BSelf-Esteem) or something? I thought that was just for girls who want to take their tops off."

In fact, Lucille's son-in-law Tobias had twice tried to launch (http://the-op.com/view/article.php?a=66) similar ventures, although one had been purely accidental (http://the-op.com/object/Families%2Bwith%2BLow%2BSelf-Esteem). Unfortunately, neither one had been a success, and girls all over the country continued to have low self-esteem on camera.

"Well, I certainly don't need any of that. I get enough of it from Buster." She sighed. "If you don't want money, and you don't want juice, what do you want? A frozen banana? A tub of diamond cream? Because the nelly used all of that up already."

Re: Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"No, they're also for boys who want to take their tops off. Orgirls who want to take their pants off. Or any combination of nudity and gender," Ron adlibbed. The idea that Lucille had any experience with videos, a Muggle invention that made him feel confused and nervous, was terrifying, as Lucille made him feel confused and nervous as well.

A frozen banana!? O shi- "I don't want anything, ok? I'm not that kind of bloke! I think those questions about my brothers and the Order of the Phoenix gave you the wrong impression."

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Lucille rolled her eyes. "Ron, I live in the O.C. Orange County. I see enough of that on a daily basis. Besides..." She preened a little, fluffing her hair. "I'm flattered, but don't you think you're a little young for me? Why, you're young enough to be my gr-- my son." The look in her eyes just dared him to correct her.

"As for my impressions," she went on, "I was under the impression that you were going to tell me about this... this Slitherwell thing, and I'm starting to lose my patience. If you don't want any of those things, either, then what?" She drew herself up haughtily. "Shares in the company? How would you feel about a new hand?"

Re: Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

Oh, finally some sanity here. Ron nodded in relief. "That's what I've been saying. You're way too old for me. It would never work. I mean, the whole thing is bananas!" He laughed and smiled at Lucille.

But then his face turned into confusion. "Slitherwell? Uh, sorry, I don't know what Slitherwell is."

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Lucille was beginning to lose what little patience she had left. Of course, that was assuming she'd had any to begin with.

"What, we're back to the bananas?" Lucille groaned. "I already offered you a damn banana! You don't want the entire banana stand, do you? There's money in that banana stand -- I can't just give it away to anyone."

"Sitwell, Slitherwell," she went on. "Standpoor, Stand-in, I don't care what you want to call it."

Re: Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

Ron was beginning to think that Lucille probably had the same thing some of his older relatives had, which caused his mother and father to advise their children to avoid them, but also to take their calling Ginny or Ron "Gloria" in stride, as they were supposed to be extra nice to them. Which was extra extra extra nice, since they were supposed to be nice also because they were old, and also because they were relatives. Actually, they were also company, so that would make it four extras. And while only two of the extras applied to Lucille, Ron knew he had to hold his tongue.

But that was made really hard, because these kind of people were bloody nuts! "Sitwell!? Standpoor!? How can I know what I want to call 'it,' I don't even know what 'it' IS! And I can't help you when you keep making up crazy words!"

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

"You started it, pal!" Lucille replied, flushing with indignation. "Now you quit screwing around and you tell me: who are you with? If it's not Sitwell, is it the Japanese? The British?

"But no, I think Lucille sent you -- that BITCH!" She yelled this at the wall, then turned back to Ron, triumphant. "That 'Slither-in' crap gave you away right from the start!"

Re: Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"Hey, if I started it, I certainly would have remembered! I would have been, 'Oi, let's start something with the odd bird with the drink.' I obviously did NOT start anything, because I have no idea what you are talking about! Alright? None!" He took a deep breath when he realized that he was losing his temper over the crazy lady. When Lucille mentioned the British, Ron looked relieved again.

"Yes! YES! I'm with the British. Can't you tell from the accent? I'm about as British as it gets. Most girls think it's charming. I'm a little with the Japanese too, but that's only because I get on so well with their girls. But I can't help it, almost all the girls who come here are Japanese." He shrugged. "I think the news is spreading over there." He then jumped as the old woman hollered 'BITCH' and began to back away.

"Look, I think I'm just going to go now."

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

Lucille squinted at Ron. "Are you even speaking English?" she demanded. Bird? Get on? What was he talking about?

Lucille was exasperated, and decided that it was time she left the club.

She stood, rolling her eyes. "Oh, honestly, I don't have time for this. Here, go buy a Mars Bar." She reached into her purse, handed Ron a 5 dollar bill, and headed towards the door. "And I hope your mother doesn't let you have any juice!"

Re: Ravenclaw

[dungbombsrule.livejournal.com]

"Oi!" Ron said, offended. "I'm the one speaking English here. I'm English. You're speaking a mix of American and Crazy Talk." He almost said 'Crazy Old People Talk,' but he didn't want to risk it.

He looked down at the five dollars in his hand and then glared after Lucille. "Well, I'll have you know a bar costs a whole like more than... five American dollars! Especially one on Mars!" And it did. And now Ron would have to work on converting this to wizard money.

Re: Ravenclaw

[thequeenbluth.livejournal.com]

"Oh, fine. How much could it possibly cost?" Lucille turned back to Ron and pulled out her checkbook. "Six dollars? A hundred dollars?"

Lucille, who had embezzled mercilessly from the Bluth Company and who sent her maid Lupe out to buy everything for her, really had no concept of basic economics.

"Here-- just take this and go." She wrote a blank check, tore it out, and handed it theatrically to Ron. "Now, which way to the parking lot?"