Open RP: Hogwarts Family Values, with the Sorting Hat

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Thanks to Hogwarts magic and a little help from the infamous house-elf gossip network, the Hat kept abreast of the entertaining chaotic general goings-on throughout its kingdom school. When it heard that groundskeeper Dean Winchester had put a bun in student Stephanie Brown's oven, it wasn't the whole faculty-student taboo that put a corresponding bee in the Hat's bonnet. (A hat in a bonnet? Oooh, avant-garde!) No, it was the total lack of regard for family values! It was one thing for faculty to engage in hanky-panky, or even Jenga, with students. That was fine. Everyone did it. But impregnation without benefit of ceremony? What would Dr. Phil say? What would Dr. Laura say?

(The Hat didn't use its wizarding wireless to listen to WART. It preferred Muggle talk radio. We're not talking NPR.)

So the Hat had taken matters into its own capable straps. Champion of family values that it was, it decided that if Dean wasn't going to make an honest woman out of Steph, then the Hat would make an honest woman out of Dean! Or, no, wait. An honest ... something. Anyway. They were going to get married, whether they liked it or not! And their offspring would be born into legal wedlock, thank you very much! Legal and binding under the Ministry of Magic's standards!

The unsuspecting bride had been summoned to the Great Hall under the pretext of a detention to serve. The equally unsuspecting groom had been summoned to the Great Hall under the pretext of groundskeeping duties to perform. And two mighty wedding planners had been recruited to make this a day they'd always remember and cherish ... well, at least, a day they'd always remember ...



Kelly Kapoor was busy with some Very Important business. The Sorting Hat had mentioned that this celebration was, in fact, a wedding. Her expert services had been enlisted for said wedding. And if you knew Kelly, you knew that she thought weddings were just about the best thing ever.

With one exception. Babies. Or, to be more eloquent, baaaaaabies.

Thus, the whole 'wedding' thing was really just a formality. They were here to celebrate the cuteness of children, and the great hall was decorated accordingly. The tables were covered in pink and blue tabledressings, and stuffed animals of every imaginable sort served as centerpieces. As discussed with her brain trust of one, the party favors were wrapped in ruffled-cloth diapers, held together with 'totally adorable' ducky pins.

Kelly was currently busy overseeing the house elves in their efforts to carry a giant wedding cake to the teacher's dinner table, currently commandeered for buffet-style purposes. Instead of a bride and groom, the cake was topped with a wax visage of a smiling infant. Even the house elves had after various thinly-veiled threats from the decoratorzilla gotten into the spirit. They were walking around in giant diapers, wearing pink or blue bonnet & bootie sets, depending on said elf's gender.

All in all, it was pretty much the most awesome decorating job ever.

As for Kelly's aforementioned brain trust of one, the fabulous Hedwig Robinson -- well, Hedwig had never actually planned a wedding before. She needed the practice, since she would be helping with the wedding of her darling adopted son Michael Scott. Already high-strung, she felt that much more pressure because this wedding could be viewed as practically a rehearsal for Michael's. This was Hedwig's baptism by fire! She stalked around the hall (in white leather high-heeled boots, no less) fretting over the proper incantations. Since the Hat had specified this was a surprise wedding, she wanted to make sure her wandwork was up to par when it came to whipping the carefully chosen wedding garb onto the bride and groom. One wrong move and all that gorgeous sparkly polyester-blend fabric would be history! So she had commandeered a couple of diapered elves, who were being rapidly unswaddled and swaddled again with sharp flicks of Hedwig's wand. Muttered German obscenities peppered Hedwig's incantations.


When the clock struck the appointed hour, all was ready. The Hat hovered in gleeful anticipation, waiting for the victims happy couple to appear!

Comments

[hobodoktor.livejournal.com]

"What'dya mean you don't deliver to Hogwarts?" Dr. Hobo was on his squirrel phone, 'calling' Dominoes. "Noooooo, they hung up on meeee, now I'll die hungry and alone." Then he stopped, and looked around the decorated hall.

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

Sigh. A school full of pirates, hookers, and thieves, and Steph was the one with detention? How was that kosher?

She stalked into the hall wearing an admittedly grungy sweat suit, hair in a ponytail. After all, detention in these parts usually meant hard labor.

"I'm here for..." Huh? House elves in diapers? She knew the Hat was kinky, but damn. "Um. I don't...look, whatever floats your boat, but I’m really not into this kind of stuff."

[forcedexile.livejournal.com]

The Exile was hungry, and came into the hall to get some food. She was mildly surprised to see it decorated so...oddly.

"Excuse me," she asked a nearby person, "is there some special event occuring?"

[charlesofdensen.livejournal.com]

Ofdensen had been merrily doing work, more DethQuidditch plotting, studying, the like. He did not even notice the wedding being set up on the other end of the hall. Until he looked up at the noise of people walking in.

He looked up. He stared at the decorations. He gave the eyebrow of doom. He went back to his work.

[wayward-son124.livejournal.com]

What... the fucking... Christ?

He'd been called here for some groundskeeper thing and... Jesus shit, look at all this. It just... Dear God, look at all the pink. No. The Hat had said the Great Hall, right? Because Dean wasn't going to be a part of anything involving this much pink. At all.

Yeah, definitely no. Dean paused for a few long seconds and automatically turned on his heel, entirely ready to leave. Right now.

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank God. Dean was sort of a professor/authority type figure at the castle, right? He had to know what was going on. But first...

"Hey!" Steph walked up, and gave Hairgel a punch square on the arm. Ostensibly, it was in greeting. "Why the heck didn't you get me out of detention? And what's with the diapered elves? What you do on your own time is none of my business, but we're in public, Dean."

[wayward-son124.livejournal.com]

Ow. Not that Dean would admit that it hurt. Because it didn't. But... ow. He rubbed at his arm, frowning at Steph and looking halfway offended. "The hell? I didn't know you had detention. Who gave you detention? Shit." He frowned at the elves, looking... entirely horrified. "You think I had to do with this? I did not have anything to do with this."

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

"Agnes Nutter, I think. She caught me smoking in the girls' room. Literally!" She scrunched up her face in confusion. "You don't? Then why the heck are you in the great hall? There are always people here - you hate people."

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

Whatever answer Dean might have mustered, the world would never know, for just at that moment Hedwig leapt out from behind a tapestry, her wand in one hand, a kazoo in the other. "Surprise, darlings!" she crowed.

Everything happened very quickly. Hedwig's wand lashed bolts of fashionista lightning! In a trice, bride and groom would find their normal attire replaced by the fabulous togs Hedwig had chosen. Meanwhile, Hat magic bound Steph and Dean (individually, not together -- that would come later!) immobile from the neck down, and levitated them over to where Kojiro stood in a tuxedo jacket and pants (no shirt, baby) with the Book of Common Prayer (http://www.pemberley.com/janeinfo/compraym.html) in his hand.

[wayward-son124.livejournal.com]

oh jesus fucking goddamn shit hell what the fuck no

One thing Dean knew, he was... relatively fine! Kind of freaked out by the raucous decoration in the Great Hall, yes, but... fine. Talking to Steph. Getting punched. It was all good. Next thing he knew... he was in something incredibly sparkly. And flamboyant. And... gay.

"What. Did you do?" he asked in a hiss, narrowing his eyes at everything around them - shit! He couldn't move his hands! - and... was that a dude? Or a chick? Or, he couldn't tell? Christ. And who was the shirtless Asian guy? Oh, good Jesus, Dean was going to shit his pants.

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

Steph looked at the blonde. Looked at Hairgel. Looked back at the blonde. Any other time, she would have taken a moment to compliment the gal's ability to walk in those shoes. 'Cause damn. But at the moment, she was in an ugly ass dress, forced to look at some strange Japanese man's suspiciously oiled & hairless chest, whilst fully immobilized. Not cool.

"Dean - if this is some kind of revenge for the baby thing, I'm really not getting it."

[done-hunting.livejournal.com]

He'd just been going to get some food, maybe a cup of coffee. Sam had really not been expecting to walk into... Well, this.

And the sight of his brother getting magical-shotgun married to some blonde chick? That was just about the funniest thing Sam had seen all week. Maybe ever. The thought that he might help Dean did not occur to him.

Damn, though, even in a disco-style, used car salesman, glittery obscenity of a tux, Dean looked like a seventh-grader on his way to his first dance. That was talent, right there.

Sitting back, a highly amused expression on his face, Sam thanked every deity known to mankind that he'd brought his camera. These were so getting plastered on every inch of Dean's hut with a Permanent Sticking Charm.

Laughing, hard, Sam completely lost it when Dean had to do his best bobblehead impression at the 'I do's'. Now that was after-dinner entertainment.

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

There were two things, and two things only, that could make this situation any better. An annulment, and junk food. The latter, at least, was readily accessible. That crazy baby chick at least knew how to pick a caterer. The buffet was stocked, man.

She made a beeline towards the food. And, on the way, if she should accidentally knock over random Emo Haired Stranger's photographic evidence, so be it. She brushed by the guy, sticking out an elbow at the opportune moment.

"Oh, sorry!" Lies!

[done-hunting.livejournal.com]

Sporfling out a laugh, Sam barely caught the camera before it crashed to the ground. "Hey!" He stood up, loping after Steph. "Now, is that any way to treat your new brother-in-law? What kind of relationship am I going to have with my little niece or nephew if you start us out this way?"

Shit-eating grin? Check. Total disregard for tiny ninja fists of Steph-fury? Double check.

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

"You're his brother?" she asked, evenly. That was reason enough to unleash her wrath! "I can see overuse of hair care product runs in the family. Tell me, does the Emo Girl Hair help with the hunting thing, or are you, too, trying to land a husband? Because you're welcome to mine."

[done-hunting.livejournal.com]

Woah! Feisty one. Sam's smile didn't falter, though he did choke out a little, uncomfortable laugh. "Um, okay, so I can see that Dean's winning charm has rubbed off on you. Either that or you really are him in female form." Holding out his hand, Sam tried again. "I'm Sam." Beat. "And I don't have girl hair. Or use...product." He said that last word as if he didn't know what it meant. Which might be valid.

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

"Nothing of Dean's has rubbed anywhere on or near my person. Or ever will." Steph looked at the offered hand, and then back up at Sam. She really wasn't in a 'shake hands with the family' kind of mood. "Stephanie. And please don't tell me you pull that 'No, really, it was like this when I woke up' garbage."

[done-hunting.livejournal.com]

"Right," Sam said slowly and with obvious skepticism. "Because the non-rubbing of bodies usually results in babies and shotgun weddings." Also, the mere idea that Dean would know a girl and not try to get them into bed (or a handy bathroom stall, or the backseat of a car, or a nearby closet...)? All kinds of 'does not compute'. And, granted, Steph was a bit younger than Dean's usual fare, but that didn't change the fact she was attractive, breathing, and...nope, that was pretty much all the criteria that mattered to the elder Winchester.

Pushing his bangs back, sheepishly, Sam just looked confused. Actually, to be honest, it really was just like that when he woke up. Granted, 'like that' meaning 'in his eyes and shaggy', but still. Not only was he a hunter and usually cleaning up in some grimy hotel bathroom, if he was lucky, but Sam also was the proud owner of a thousand and one identical style, long-sleeved, button-up, checkered shirts. A fashion plate he was not. Hair-gel was a bit beyond him. For variety, Sam liked to toss in a random t-shirt with an odd saying. "Anyway, look, I'm sorry if my brother got you into..." He paused, then laughed out of the sheer awkwardness of the moment, shifting side to side. "Well, whatever it was, I'm sorry. And if you need anything, just...let me know, okay?"

Seriously, hair gel? ...Wait, did Dean use hair gel? Oh, man, Sam was so ribbing his brother on that one. After, of course, he teased him for the rest of his life about getting married in a shiny suit.

[mischief-george.livejournal.com]

Just as the ceremony concluded, there came a distinct sound of someone whooping and hollering and generally making the noises one associates with someone riding their broomstick at top speed through the hallways and into the Great Hall. You see, George - seasoned veteran of many detentions that he was - had decided to spring his girlfriend from her detentiony fate.

When he burst into the Great Hall amidst a cloud of distracting fireworks (the better to sneak out behind), he was expecting to see Stephanie forced into some kind of menial labor or line writing or other such boring punishment. He was not expecting to see her...marrying some bloke. And for there to be talk of a baby. And...

Now, George was not one for emo. Or for brooding. Or for anything but finding the amusing side of whatever situation he happened to be in. But this was a bit much. So, without cracking a joke or even tossing a firecracker at the apparently happy couple, George simply stared down for a few seconds before turning his broom around and heading quietly back to Gryffindor.

From the twins' room there could be heard the sounds of explosions. George was just getting a jump start on developing the fall line. Really.

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

Stephanie Brown had just gotten married. Stephanie Brown had, quite understandably, followed said marriage with a drink or two. However, Stephanie Brown was not at all a drinker. She was an anti-drinker, actually.

So two drinks in, and Steph was a bit tipsy. Not only was she tipsy, but she was determined that George should hear the day's events as recounted by his married girlfriend, and not by some gossiping houself. It hadn't occurred to her to wait until the drinks wore off. There was no time for waiting!

Knocking on the Weasely Twins' door, Steph vaguely noticed a sign that mentioned something or other about 'Not Disturbing' someone or other. But she had important stuff to talk about, so nuts to that! Turning the handle without waiting for anyone to answer, Steph tentatively called out, "George?"

She was subsequently (and quite suddenly) covered in a moderate amount of green goop. It was trailing onto down her hair, and covering her wedding dress - which was almost an improvement.

"...I'm slimy," she said, sadly. It wasn't really directed towards George, but more to the Universe in general. She was married, wearing an ugly dress, and slimy. Great.

[mischief-george.livejournal.com]

The door was booby-trapped. Of course it was. And George felt some small squirm of mean satisfaction that the trap had not only worked so well, but that it had coated his now ex-girlfriend in goo.

Rising from his desk, he walked over to the doorway, arms folded. "Oh, hello," he said. Very casually. How's the weather? Oh, covered in slime, you say? "Sorry, I was working on some exploding chocolate flowers. Give them to a girl and they explode in her face, covering everyone in fudge." What? Pointed look? Never. "Bit noisy. You know how it is."

A brief pause, George's face carefully neutral, vaguely polite and friendly. The perfect shop owner. "Can I help you?"

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

Okay, Steph was confused. George had confused her in the past, sure, but it was always more of 'endeared befuddlement' type of confusion, than the 'at a complete loss' state she was now entrenched in.

"...That's a waste of fudge," she answered, face scrunched up. Seriously – who was this guy? Maybe the houselves had already gotten to him, and she was as good as chucked.

Ah, well. Not like she expected it to last or anything. She'd be fine, as soon she got the whole ‘being dumped’ thing out of the way.

"Erm-well," this was new territory. Steph could deal with a hyper George, a mischievous George, a goofy George (her favorite kind), and even a slightly emo George. But a possibly pissed George? No clue. She shifted from side to side, and wiped some goo off her forehead. "-something kind of weird happened today. Weirder than usual, I mean."

[mischief-george.livejournal.com]

His first instinct was to reach out, brush some of her goopified hair from her cheek. But George restrained, cool eyes watching Stephanie. He was hurt. No other way to put it. And for someone who could bounce back from just about anything, this was pushing the envelope a bit far. His girlfriend, his first real relationship, and she had apparently been cheating on him. Shagging some guy on the side. And now she was married and expecting a sprog.

Well congratu-fucking-lations. But she wasn't going to get to play him anymore.

"You mean weirder than getting married? And being pregnant?" He clicked his tongue in mocking surprise. "Merlin, your day is full up, isn't it?"

He paused, then shrugged. Just a little of the ache in his throat showing in his eyes. "I went to try and spring you from your 'detention'." George's voice cracked slightly and he looked down, choking out a bitter laugh. "How bloody stupid can I get, right?"

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

"No, those two were pretty much it," she answered, trying to appear light, trying to make the whole situation sound like the simple misunderstanding that it really was. She didn't pull it off. "Except you've got it all wrong. Dean and I are just friends. Barely even that! We've never - I'd never - I'm with you." She paused, to correct herself. "Or I was. I get it if I'm not."

Steph covered her mouth with both hands, with a sharp intake of breath. "So you saw the whole thing?" Oh, this was so bad. She stepped forward, to hug George, to touch his face, to give some sort of physical indicator of how horrible she felt that she'd hurt him. She reached for his arm, before pulling back. If he could barely look at her, then he sure as hell wouldn't want to touch her.

"Not stupid," she said, pleadingly. "I'm the stupid one. There was this dumb prank, it got blown out of proportion, and the Hat was somehow informed I was- yeah." Didn't actually want to say the 'p' word. She'd said it enough tonight to last a lifetime. "I'm not. And it threw this entire surprise wedding, and it forced us -magic and all- to get married. I think it's legal, but I swear, I had no idea it was happening." She was trying not to sound as frantic as she felt. "I know it sounds out there, but it's the honest to God truth."

[mischief-george.livejournal.com]

George hadn't looked up through any of that. Just staring at the floor, expressionless, almost as if politely waiting for Stephanie to finish so he could shut the door. When she'd stopped talking, he simply stood there.

She wasn't pregnant.

She wasn't with Dean.

She was with him.

A rush of relief so deep that it actually made his breath catch rushed through George. Lifting one hand to rub his face, he didn't even notice that his fingers were trembling.

Then, without a word, he reached out to pull Stephanie to him. Bending down he kissed her with a desperate kind of abandon. Uncaring of the goop, he tangled his fingers in her hair and bent her back, slightly, with the force of his embrace.

He hadn't lost her. Oh, thank Merlin's hairy arse. Laughing in relief, shaking his head, he pulled back to look at her. Pushing back her hair from her face with one hand, George smiled down at her.

"I love you, you insane woman. Even if you fake pregnancies and get married off to random blokes." He kissed her again, this time soft and sweet. "I love you, Stephanie. So don't scare me like that again, yeah? If you're going to be faking being preggers, let me know. I'll make a bouncing baby prank line or...something." He traced one finger across her cheek. "But I thought I lost you."