Open RP: Hogwarts Family Values, with the Sorting Hat

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Thanks to Hogwarts magic and a little help from the infamous house-elf gossip network, the Hat kept abreast of the entertaining chaotic general goings-on throughout its kingdom school. When it heard that groundskeeper Dean Winchester had put a bun in student Stephanie Brown's oven, it wasn't the whole faculty-student taboo that put a corresponding bee in the Hat's bonnet. (A hat in a bonnet? Oooh, avant-garde!) No, it was the total lack of regard for family values! It was one thing for faculty to engage in hanky-panky, or even Jenga, with students. That was fine. Everyone did it. But impregnation without benefit of ceremony? What would Dr. Phil say? What would Dr. Laura say?

(The Hat didn't use its wizarding wireless to listen to WART. It preferred Muggle talk radio. We're not talking NPR.)

So the Hat had taken matters into its own capable straps. Champion of family values that it was, it decided that if Dean wasn't going to make an honest woman out of Steph, then the Hat would make an honest woman out of Dean! Or, no, wait. An honest ... something. Anyway. They were going to get married, whether they liked it or not! And their offspring would be born into legal wedlock, thank you very much! Legal and binding under the Ministry of Magic's standards!

The unsuspecting bride had been summoned to the Great Hall under the pretext of a detention to serve. The equally unsuspecting groom had been summoned to the Great Hall under the pretext of groundskeeping duties to perform. And two mighty wedding planners had been recruited to make this a day they'd always remember and cherish ... well, at least, a day they'd always remember ...



Kelly Kapoor was busy with some Very Important business. The Sorting Hat had mentioned that this celebration was, in fact, a wedding. Her expert services had been enlisted for said wedding. And if you knew Kelly, you knew that she thought weddings were just about the best thing ever.

With one exception. Babies. Or, to be more eloquent, baaaaaabies.

Thus, the whole 'wedding' thing was really just a formality. They were here to celebrate the cuteness of children, and the great hall was decorated accordingly. The tables were covered in pink and blue tabledressings, and stuffed animals of every imaginable sort served as centerpieces. As discussed with her brain trust of one, the party favors were wrapped in ruffled-cloth diapers, held together with 'totally adorable' ducky pins.

Kelly was currently busy overseeing the house elves in their efforts to carry a giant wedding cake to the teacher's dinner table, currently commandeered for buffet-style purposes. Instead of a bride and groom, the cake was topped with a wax visage of a smiling infant. Even the house elves had after various thinly-veiled threats from the decoratorzilla gotten into the spirit. They were walking around in giant diapers, wearing pink or blue bonnet & bootie sets, depending on said elf's gender.

All in all, it was pretty much the most awesome decorating job ever.

As for Kelly's aforementioned brain trust of one, the fabulous Hedwig Robinson -- well, Hedwig had never actually planned a wedding before. She needed the practice, since she would be helping with the wedding of her darling adopted son Michael Scott. Already high-strung, she felt that much more pressure because this wedding could be viewed as practically a rehearsal for Michael's. This was Hedwig's baptism by fire! She stalked around the hall (in white leather high-heeled boots, no less) fretting over the proper incantations. Since the Hat had specified this was a surprise wedding, she wanted to make sure her wandwork was up to par when it came to whipping the carefully chosen wedding garb onto the bride and groom. One wrong move and all that gorgeous sparkly polyester-blend fabric would be history! So she had commandeered a couple of diapered elves, who were being rapidly unswaddled and swaddled again with sharp flicks of Hedwig's wand. Muttered German obscenities peppered Hedwig's incantations.


When the clock struck the appointed hour, all was ready. The Hat hovered in gleeful anticipation, waiting for the victims happy couple to appear!

Comments

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Kojiro, impassive, said only, "With this Ring I thee wed, with my Body I thee worship, and with all my worldly Goods I thee endow. Lol." Clearly he intended the couple to repeat after him, but when they did not, he just said it one more time, presumably so that each of the couple would be covered by proxy. Ring Pops (http://www.topps.com/Confectionery/RingPop/RP_products.html) appeared on the wedding finger of each: Twisted Fruit for Dean, and Twisted Cream for Steph.

The Hat was crying along with Dr. Hobo, in loud overwrought sobs of joy. "Preschools are important! Remember that! YOU MAY NOW KISS THE BRIDE!"

Using its magic to manipulate the happy couple as a child might mash two Barbie dolls together, the Hat propelled Steph and Dean into one another for a nuptial kiss. Except it didn't match the mouths up quite right, so the result was a nuptial headbutt. "Oops, I did it again!" the Hat lamented, making icepacks pop into existence. Icepacks in decorative terrycloth sleeves embroidered with babies, baby ducks, and small waffles.

[wayward-son124.livejournal.com]

Dean was... confused. That was his standby sort of emotion as of late, really, but, yes, confusion. He was... getting married? Uh, yes, that appeared to be what was going to happen here. What... had happened here. He didn't really know anything that was going on right now, but his head definitely hurt and what the fucking hell.

Ow. "But... I can't be... fucking... no," he mumbled randomly, furrowing his eyebrows and... generally not letting anything register in some wild attempt to make this un-happen. He wasn't married. Not to Steph. "There... is... no baby!" he suddenly thundered, hysterically.

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

Steph was realizing that hat!logic was very, very different from normal people logic. And 'Kojiro' and 'logic' did not even belong in the same sentence. Thus, she went into plan two. Yelling.

"But I'm not preggers! I'm not!" Crap! She was being ignored! "Habla engles? Por favor? Jay Comprede? NIEN!"

And then he wanted her to kiss Dean? Dean? Hell to the- ack! Headbutt! Steph, left with no other recourse, simply reiterated her thesis point. "NIEN MIT BABY!"

[anythingawesome.livejournal.com]

"Exactly," said Kelly, tears streaming down her face. It had been a totally beautiful service! "Baby! Just learn English, and you're all set to raise a child. We don’t need anymore Nazis at Hogwarts."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt," the Hat said sternly. "You can tell yourself nein and nyet all you want but that baby needs to come into this world in a healthy stable family environment! Now, Mrs. Winchester, your things have all been moved by the house elves to Groundskeeper Winchester's hut. You'll be cohabiting from now on like a family should!" It released its magical hold on the newlyweds, now that the ceremony was safely concluded.

[wayward-son124.livejournal.com]

Things in his hut? Oh, fucking freaking hell, no. They were out on the front lawn, was where they were going. Dean was not dealing with a certain Stephanie Brown in his hut. At all. No. It just couldn't happen. In fact, hat releasing him from its magical hold, and that was the first thing he was doing. Bolting to the hut.

Run, Dean, run!

[busty-robin.livejournal.com]

Mrs. Winchester? Steph didn't even know how to process this rapid turn of events. She stood there for a few minutes, unable to do anything but blink. The hat's spell had long since broken, but...Mrs. Winchester?

Finally, her brain registered the proper course of action.

"DEAN, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" This was called out to said worthless husband's retreating form. HONESTLY. Leaving her to sort this mess out. What a deadbeat! "YOU ARE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. YOU NEED TO BUY A COUCH, SO YOU CAN SLEEP ON IT!"