Application: Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park/Lost World

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Well, this is different, isn't it.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Pardon me? You brought me here through some sort of teleportation process to discuss cheese? Very well. Gruyere. Learned my cooking skills at the published version Elizabeth David's knee, and Gruyere is a staple of her recipes.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Ah. As repellent as Carrottop is, in any given choice between a dinosaur and a human, the dinosaur must go. It's something of a policy decision.

3. What time is it where you are?
Obviously it's exactly the same time as where you are, since we're in the exact same room.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
I am somewhat handicapped by insufficient data here, as I have no blessed clue who any of those people are. However! I've never let that stop me from theorizing before! Since I assume this Albus Dumbledore is in some kind of leadership role in this Order, then based on my working knowledge of human nature I'd say he harasses whoever he damn well pleases, anytime he pleases. Maybe all of them. Power corrupts, you know.

5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The Edge of Chaos. And I'd drink my weight in barstock every night, especially if the edge of chaos caters to dinosaurs.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Again. No effin' clue about the odd Fred, George or Harry. However. The figure from world mythology I most resemble, personally, is Cassandra, the teller of unwelcome truths. So I can tell Harry this: He shouldn't marry either of them.

Once marriage was pried away, societally, from its ties to economic and filial security, the institution was irretrievably broken. People marry now with only minimal sense of investment - I speak here from personal experience. If there isn't an investment there, especially in a future that includes children, then it's a doomed endeavor from the start, however much he and/or Fred and George are swept away on adrenalin and oxytocins at the time.

This assumes, of course that Fred and George aren't short for Fredericka and Georgianna. If Harry's energies are committed to a prior investment, however - might this Order of the Phoenix be a factor here? - then I believe the argument still holds. Just ask my ex-wives!

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
One, you aren't exploiting your computer's potential efficiently enough. Two, humans seem wired to create clutter. It's a physical manifestation of organizational chaos.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Now you sound like my ex-wives. Very well. I'm a mathematician by training and a chaostician in specialty. Give me a set of variables for any large organized system and I can calculate for you exactly how and when it will become completely and utterly fucked. You won't listen to me, of course, but it's what I can do. I also make a mean vegetable tian. With gruyere.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Ah. So that's how it is around here, is it. Unfortunately, you've caught me short-handed, having yanked me so rudely from the daily existence of my choosing. On me I've got - (pats pockets) $350 U.S. And some classic Ray-Ban sunglasses. Will that do? If not (checks self again) I suppose you could have my gold chain, but I'm keeping the leather jacket. Sorry.

Comments

[dinosaurman.livejournal.com]

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Hello, Ian.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Grant?! Well. Long time, my friend. Nice to see a familiar face.

I don't suppose you could give me some clue as to what the hell I'm doing here, could you?

Also - ahem - where you are, often also dinosaurs are. That (heheh) wouldn't be the case here, would it?

[sensiblesusan.livejournal.com]

*is actually a little intrigued, but trying not to show it; as far as the app goes, it helps she's been reading a bit (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/461298.html?thread=22646002#t22646002)*

Why the interest in chaos?

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::smiles:: Hel-lo there!

The interest in chaos stems from, well, living in this world we happen to be inhabiting. It's based on one complex system atop another, a recipe for chaos, as our daily lives are constantly demonstrating in ways big and small.

I began my studies trying to make sense of the world around me, as we all do. My life, and my work, both got much, much better once I let go of the idea of ever forcing the world to make sense in any linear fashion.

May I say that you have lovely hair? Many other fine qualities as well, I'm sure, but the hair is quite striking.

[halfanact.livejournal.com]

*Does not know whether to bitch-slap this guy or give him a chance. Decides to go with the latter.*

Well, don't you have a happy mouth? Hmmm...I'm interested in that 350 there...

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::eyes narrow::
::grins::

You seem familiar. Have I ever married you, by chance? A drunken weekend in Vegas, perhaps?

[cpt-pierce.livejournal.com]

Ravenclaw. I don't think I'd put you anywhere else.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

I'd thank you, sir, if I had any idea what that meant. I gather this is some sort of interview process I'm in; is 'ravenclaw' some kind of code for pass or fail?

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Lily grinned a bit as she read the application. At least this new student was good for a laugh.

"Chaos," she said, eyes lighting on the man's profession. "I know a bit about that myself. The actual event, though, not the theories surrounding it." She looked up at Ian. "I'm Lily. Pleased to meet you. You seem a perfect choice for my current house, Ravenclaw, at first glance. Do you have another preference, though?"

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Well. Now I know what they mean by Witchcraft here at Hogwarts. ::smiles::

The pleasure is all mine I assure you, Miss Lily - it is Miss? Please say yes.

I'm afraid I've walked into this interview cold, so I've no idea what the choices here are. Could you perhaps enlighten me? I'd be devoted to you forever if you would. Or even if you won't, really.

[ninth-doctor.livejournal.com]

Chaos, eh? *grins* Doesn't that sound familiar. Don't need a leather jacket, thankfully. Got one on me, and I rather like it. You'd be good to keep it; always comfy, durable. Ah, but you probably know all that.

A little chaos is good for the soul, I tink. So it's a good thing it's always going on around us. Hmmm...you seem reasonably smart. Or more than reasonably; you'd have to be to understand anything at all about the chaos theory. You Humans, always trying to explain that which is most random. I'm seeing a lot of Ravenclaw potential. Do you, by chance, drink?

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

I concur in your opinion, sir, and I do admire your fashion choices. That's a fine jacket you've got there.

We Humans? Why yes, I've been known to bend an elbow once or twice. I have a feeling this place may inspire me to new heights of drunkenness, in fact. I gather that's a sign of Ravenclaw tendencies?

[ringoate-mybaby.livejournal.com]

What were you doing before you were brought here?

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Specifically, or in general?

Specifically, I was walking through the stage door of the auditorium at MIT, two minutes away from giving a lecture on computer modeling. This is at least more entertaining than that, I must say.

Generally, working with those computer models on applying crystalline structures to large social structures such as the growth of cities. It's a line of study that occurred to me while under a whacking dose of morphine for a major injury, and I've been trying to see if it has any validity in the cold light of sobriety.

Either of those what you were after, sir?

[anthony-crowley.livejournal.com]

Nice shades.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

I've always thought so.

Hate to give them up, but something tells me being rejected from a school that shanghais its applicants would not be prudent.

Yours are quite becoming as well, if I may say, sir. Vuarnets?

[rogue-nebari.livejournal.com]

Chiana gives a reckless grin. "Chaos and anti-marriage, yeah? You sound like my kind of person. Could do without the math, though."

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::grins::

Glad to hear it, Miss. And I promise not to talk shop too much when you're around. I'm sure we can find better things to entertain ourselves, no?

[peachykeendeath.livejournal.com]

Chaos theory? That sounds like a fun one. I've met a few embodiments of Chaos, myself. It's always interesting.

Given your brainpower and predilection for alcohol, I'd say you'd make a dandy Ravenclaw.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

That seems to be the direction of current opinion, Miss.

I've met a few embodiments of chaos as well. One was a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and the other two, I married. ::winks:: May I ask about the ones you've known? You seem like one with interesting stories to tell.

[mightiest-black.livejournal.com]

I would like a better bribe.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::gapes::

Erm. Define "better," please.

You wouldn't happen to hail from anywhere near Costa Rica, would you?

[dangeroushabits.livejournal.com]

John grins irrepressibly at the scientist. "Any large organized system, eh? All right, squire, I'll bite."

He thumps a King James Bible down in front of Ian. "There's your variables. Now why don't you explain exactly how and when it all went pear-shaped? I'd really like an expert opinion. And don't tell me it was Eden, we all know there was nothing chaotic about that little set-up."

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Hm. Winging it here without a close study of those variables.

But I'd say, evangelism is where it went pear-shaped. Once the Church started to recruit, the system got larger and larger. The Word of God got lost in the Word of first one prophet or priest or evangelist, then another and another and another, until the Church had to splinter into a million smaller fragments and the original message was distorted beyond recognition.

With distortion came dilution of the original message, and it began to depreciate in the minds of its followers, what with so many confusing and conflicting versions of it vying for their belief.

Will that do, or shall I write you a position paper with names and dates after the sorting process? I can do footnotes and everything.

[manriki-chan.livejournal.com]

I'm bored.

(http://photobucket.com)

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Mutual, I'm sure.

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

*thinks*

*is sorely tempted to vote the applicant into Bitchiwitch, partly because Stephen thinks he belongs there, partly just for kicks*

*ah, well.*

I suppose you will be joining us in Ravenclaw. Remind me to introduce you to our new Professor of Arithmancy. He too seems to have an interest in chaos.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::looks at Maturin strangely, sensing a barb he can't identify::

Thank you for the vote. I'm looking forward to making his acquaintance.

Vote: Ravenclaw

[researcher42.livejournal.com]

Yanked rudely the daily existence of your choosing? I think we've all been there. Your best option is to just go with it, which you seem to be doing admirably so far.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the vote. It actually isn't the first rude yanking I've had, though this one was far ruder than most.

At least this time there does seem to be potential for positive outcomes, which is more than I can say for the last time. Do you know Professor Grant, by any chance? He and I have some mutual war stories.

[waste-lock.livejournal.com]

If there isn't an investment there, especially in a future that includes children, then it's a doomed endeavor from the start


Because I've seen what SUPERIOR PEOPLE parents are, and how WOEFULLY UNDERPOPULATED the planet is.

Or did you have something more like this (http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~rbear/modest.html) in mind for all these investment babies? Rather literal of you.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

I was listing my objections to the institution of marriage, as marriage was the point of the Gryffindor question. Investment with children means a marriage isn't doomed from the start, but it doesn't mean it doesn't meet its doom down the road - I offer my own parents as proof.

My objections to the institution of parenthood are a different list altogether, and nearly as long - just not germane to the Gryffindor question. There's a reason I don't have any children myself that I know of.

I always thought W.C. Fields made Swift's point about kids much more succinctly - and funnier - with the rejoinder "I like 'em broiled."

[experimentbunny.livejournal.com]

*wanders by en route to kitchen, peeks in*

Oh! Hello there.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::blinks::

Hello.

I'm Ian. And you're...quite cute, I must say.

Dinosaurs?

[irrepressible-c.livejournal.com]

AACKGTH! IHR! NHRGHRRR!!!! (http://dlazechk.dl.funpic.org/sundaydinosaursathome2.html)

Re: Dinosaurs?

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Good heavens.

Dr. Grant? You never told me you'd produced offspring. Who's the lucky mommy?

[nopower-overme.livejournal.com]

*having observed Professor Grant friendly with the applicant earlier, Sarah finally approaches*

Hi there! Are you a friend of Professor Grant's? I could vote you to his house if you'd like, I did like your Ravenclaw answer and you seem very smart.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::smiles::

Yes! Yes, I am, no matter what he tries to tell you later. It's something of a love-hate relationship.

Ravenclaw seems to be in the wind for me, and I'd be very thankful for a vote, Miss...?

[narcissa-always.livejournal.com]

*Narcissa wanders in and assess the applicant as he speaks with the others. Normally she would dismiss someone with no bribes to offer, but she finds him rather attractive and quite different from the men she often associates with so decides to approach out of curiosity*

Ah, so how many women have you divorced who all think you useless and why would they think so? In the interest of determining your placement, of course, Mister Malcom.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

There are currently two women who are willing to admit to being former Mrs. Malcolms, Madam. I suppose they mustn't think me entirely useless, as they seem to have no qualms about demanding alimony. ::shrugs:: Always nice to know where one's enduring appeal lies for an ex-spouse.

Rumors of a third Mrs. Malcolm are greatly exaggerated; I'd have proposed anytime she seemed open to beingpropositioned, but she decided she prefers the company of African hyenas to mine.

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

Dawn likes this guy. "Ravenclaw for the win," she says. "You'll fit in just great, trust me."

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Miss! Are you Ravenclaw as well?

[kuroudoakabane.livejournal.com]

Money, glasses, and clothing are all quite useless to me. Do you have any power to speak of? Even enough to provide me with more than a moment's distraction?

[(Anonymous)]

There is nothing paranormal or superhuman about me, if that's what you mean. I work on the high side of the curve of human capacity for mathematics, but that's about it.

Sorry I can't be more entertaining, but we can't all be Superman.

[fantastic-rose.livejournal.com]

"Why doesn't anyone listen to you? You seem to know what you're talking about." She quirks an eyebrow curiously.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Excellent question, Miss.

I'm usually telling them things they don't want to hear - that their starting premises are wrong, or that their plans won't work, or that they shouldn't do a thing even though they really, really want to. Or I'm telling them they need to do something they don't want to do, or something harder than they'd like to try.

Most people prefer fantasy to hard fact when they're making big plans, I've found.

::screened for Laura and Grant::

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

Laura walks into the Sorting room reading the application. When she gets to the dinosaur references, she immediately looks for Dr. Grant. She sees him talking intensely to the applicant and growing tenser by the minute.

When the applicant wanders off to talk to another student, Laura goes to Grant and screens their conversation.

"Dr. Grant? You know this guy?"

Re: ::screened for Laura and Grant::

[dinosaurman.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know him. Remember the dinosaur island I was telling you about? He was there, too.

[damien-thorn.livejournal.com]

Obviously it's exactly the same time as where you are, since we're in the exact same room.

Will your powers of observation ever cease to astound?

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

I know. Sometimes I even amaze myself.