Application: Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park/Lost World

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Well, this is different, isn't it.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Pardon me? You brought me here through some sort of teleportation process to discuss cheese? Very well. Gruyere. Learned my cooking skills at the published version Elizabeth David's knee, and Gruyere is a staple of her recipes.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Ah. As repellent as Carrottop is, in any given choice between a dinosaur and a human, the dinosaur must go. It's something of a policy decision.

3. What time is it where you are?
Obviously it's exactly the same time as where you are, since we're in the exact same room.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
I am somewhat handicapped by insufficient data here, as I have no blessed clue who any of those people are. However! I've never let that stop me from theorizing before! Since I assume this Albus Dumbledore is in some kind of leadership role in this Order, then based on my working knowledge of human nature I'd say he harasses whoever he damn well pleases, anytime he pleases. Maybe all of them. Power corrupts, you know.

5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The Edge of Chaos. And I'd drink my weight in barstock every night, especially if the edge of chaos caters to dinosaurs.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Again. No effin' clue about the odd Fred, George or Harry. However. The figure from world mythology I most resemble, personally, is Cassandra, the teller of unwelcome truths. So I can tell Harry this: He shouldn't marry either of them.

Once marriage was pried away, societally, from its ties to economic and filial security, the institution was irretrievably broken. People marry now with only minimal sense of investment - I speak here from personal experience. If there isn't an investment there, especially in a future that includes children, then it's a doomed endeavor from the start, however much he and/or Fred and George are swept away on adrenalin and oxytocins at the time.

This assumes, of course that Fred and George aren't short for Fredericka and Georgianna. If Harry's energies are committed to a prior investment, however - might this Order of the Phoenix be a factor here? - then I believe the argument still holds. Just ask my ex-wives!

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
One, you aren't exploiting your computer's potential efficiently enough. Two, humans seem wired to create clutter. It's a physical manifestation of organizational chaos.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Now you sound like my ex-wives. Very well. I'm a mathematician by training and a chaostician in specialty. Give me a set of variables for any large organized system and I can calculate for you exactly how and when it will become completely and utterly fucked. You won't listen to me, of course, but it's what I can do. I also make a mean vegetable tian. With gruyere.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Ah. So that's how it is around here, is it. Unfortunately, you've caught me short-handed, having yanked me so rudely from the daily existence of my choosing. On me I've got - (pats pockets) $350 U.S. And some classic Ray-Ban sunglasses. Will that do? If not (checks self again) I suppose you could have my gold chain, but I'm keeping the leather jacket. Sorry.

Comments

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

Dawn likes this guy. "Ravenclaw for the win," she says. "You'll fit in just great, trust me."

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Miss! Are you Ravenclaw as well?

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

Yep. Just got here a little while ago. I'm more into languages than math, but chaos theory sounds interesting. Actually, it sounds like the story of my life, but what else is new?

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::laughs::

Yeah, I get that a lot. And by the looks of this place, bet I'm going to be getting it a whole lot more in the near future.

Languages, eh? With an eye toward what as a career, if you don't mind saying?

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'll bet you do, but trust me: I have more right to say it than most people.

I'm studying to become a Watcher. It's hard to explain, but there are these girls and women called Slayers. They fight demons and vampires, which are very real, thank you, and the Watchers are their backup. We research demonology, which means I've got to be comfortable with ancient languages both human and non-human, and we travel a lot, which means I should know at least two modern languages besides English. I know Italian already, I'm learning German, and I want to learn at least one Asian language. We also need to learn combat skills and magic, which explains why I'm here. I mean, the magic part.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

...I think I see. The rough outlines, at least.

It seems to me that you have access to an entire historical canon that up to now I have not, Miss. In fact, it may be one of several canons. I've never had much interest in comparative social studies, but if I'm going to stay here, I may have to cultivate one, don't you think?

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Yeah, might help!

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

May I ask how you came to be involved with these Slayers and Watchers at such a young age? Not that there's anything wrong with being a precocious youth, I was one myself. But vampires and demons seem like definite 'let's shelter the little kids' material, don't they?

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

Dawn hesitates. She doesn't want to explain her whole backstory again, so she settles for a simpler truth. "My sister's a Slayer. She has been since I was eight--wow, that's ten years now. After a while, you just can't hide this stuff from the kids anymore. Watching her fight all these years--I have to do what I can to help her and the others. Besides, her Watcher kind of stepped up when our own dad stepped down, so I guess it's kind of the family business."

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::nods:: "Especially not the precocious kids, no. Or the ones with a highly developed sense of responsibility. I've known a few young people like you, Miss, and while I've got to say the thought of you all in harm's way scares me senseless, I do admire you all. Part of me still wishes you'd let me talk you into staying home safe behind locked doors, though.

The best advice I can give you, you already know, I think. Learn everything you can. Train as much as you can. Watch everything around you. Be as prepared as you possibly can, and don't give in to youthful recklessness. But those things are probably why you're here, after all."

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

You sound like you've got some experience with little trouble-magnets like me. My sister tried to keep me away from it all for a while. It just ended up frustrating the both of us, and finally, she realized that maybe she should just start teaching me how to protect myself and deal with all the crap that got thrown at us. That's worked out a lot better.

Hey, do you or chaos theory in general have any thoughts on dimensional gateways?

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Oh yes indeed. A few years ago I went with a rescue team to a particularly dangerous part of Costa Rica in response to a distress call. Two young teenagers, a boy and girl about 13 or 14, who were students of my missing colleague helped us piece together where he'd gone and what he'd been doing there - the boy was a computer expert and the girl had a great deal of general science knowledge, particularly in the life sciences, and he'd made them his unofficial assistants.

We specifically told them to go home and wait for us. Care to guess what they did instead? ::shakes his head:: In fairness, they each saved all our lives at least once. But they also had to see some things that - well. I'm sure *you* know exactly what I mean in terms of the tradeoff there.

I personally haven't looked at the question, although after today I'm sure I will be looking very hard at it. I believe some of my colleagues may have done some theorizing in the area, but I confess I didn't pay much attention - I have a hard enough time keeping a grip on everything in *this* dimension. I'll be looking for some of those papers for myself once the dust settles; would you like me to pass them on?

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

Heh, those kids sound like me, and like a few of my best friends. "Stay out of this for your own protection" equals "Jump in with both feet!"

I'd love to see any of those papers. You wouldn't believe the problems dimensional gateways have caused on this planet. Suffice to say, stomping on them is a big part of what the Watchers and Slayers do.

No, I came here willingly. The Watchers wanted someone to go to Hogwarts and learn more about the Wizarding World. It used to be that the Watchers and Slayers and the Wizarding World all pretty much did their own thing, but . . . let's just say that a lot has changed in the past couple of years, and we've learned there's not an awful lot we can afford to ignore.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::nods::

Stomping on them? Like gopher holes? Hmm. That might not be such a bad analogy, actually...

::nods again:: Paradigms shift, and everything looks different from the other side. When I began my career I never in my wildest dreams imagined doing the kind of field work we did in Costa Rica. But once I knew what kinds of creatures live there, I couldn't afford not to, because nobody else would - or would even believe a rescue was necessary. Do people where you grew up all know about the vampires and demons? I'm guessing they choose not to know.

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

Gopher holes? *laughs* Well, a little, I guess, except less with the cute rodents and more with the ugly, maniacal demons.

And you pretty much nailed it in one with Sunnydale, at least. It sat on a Hellmouth. That's a place that's like Swiss cheese with all the places things can fall through from one dimension to another. Demon central, in other words. And people were so in denial! They could see a dozen impossible things before breakfast and rationalize all of them, or just not pay any attention at all. The police force was either being paid off by the forces of darkness or was just stupid, I don't know which. Doesn't matter, anyway. It's gone now, turned into a sinkhole north of L.A. Good riddance.

Oh, and just so you know where to stay away from, Cleveland's got another Hellmouth. Not quite as bad as the one in Sunnydale, but bad enough.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Yes indeed. None so blind as those that will not see. Which is all well and good, except it makes things that much harder for those of us that do see, does it not?

::smirks:: I've been to Cleveland. That would explain a great deal. I'll bear it in mind if I ever have to go back. I take it you and your Watcher friends have people in Cleveland dealing with things?

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

Nailed it in one again. People see something that doesn't fit into their preconceptions--fft! Right over their heads.

There's a whole contingent of Slayers and Watchers in Cleveland keeping a lid on things. Buffy and I dropped in last summer, and from the looks of it, they're doing a great job. Next time you visit, if you do, it'll probably be different. I'd still prefer a town without a Hellmouth, though.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Well, presumably next time I visit, I'll be a wizard. God, that sounds strange. Can't say as I blame you, although I suspect there's weirdness of one sort or another everywhere.

Buffy is the sister you mentioned? The one who's a Slayer? As sibling rivalry material goes, that must've been difficult to live up to.

[keygirl-dawn.livejournal.com]

You don't *even* want to know. *rolls eyes* I was jealous because she was older and blonde and got to do more things, she was jealous because I was the normal kid and she resented having to protect me--it was messy. But then our mother died, and . . . well, sibling rivalry got put on the back-burner, and we had all-new things to fight about, since she had custody of me. But things are good now.

But . . . I guess I still kinda want to get out from her shadow sometimes. That's a little of why I'm here. She has her thing, being the Alpha Slayer; I'm trying to figure out what my thing is.

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::nods:: Yes, that would follow. I'm sorry to hear about your mother, but I'm glad things are better now. Maybe living apart from your sister will help you figure out where your own interests lie, apart from being her adjunct.