Application: Ian Malcolm, Jurassic Park/Lost World

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Well, this is different, isn't it.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Pardon me? You brought me here through some sort of teleportation process to discuss cheese? Very well. Gruyere. Learned my cooking skills at the published version Elizabeth David's knee, and Gruyere is a staple of her recipes.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Ah. As repellent as Carrottop is, in any given choice between a dinosaur and a human, the dinosaur must go. It's something of a policy decision.

3. What time is it where you are?
Obviously it's exactly the same time as where you are, since we're in the exact same room.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
I am somewhat handicapped by insufficient data here, as I have no blessed clue who any of those people are. However! I've never let that stop me from theorizing before! Since I assume this Albus Dumbledore is in some kind of leadership role in this Order, then based on my working knowledge of human nature I'd say he harasses whoever he damn well pleases, anytime he pleases. Maybe all of them. Power corrupts, you know.

5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The Edge of Chaos. And I'd drink my weight in barstock every night, especially if the edge of chaos caters to dinosaurs.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Again. No effin' clue about the odd Fred, George or Harry. However. The figure from world mythology I most resemble, personally, is Cassandra, the teller of unwelcome truths. So I can tell Harry this: He shouldn't marry either of them.

Once marriage was pried away, societally, from its ties to economic and filial security, the institution was irretrievably broken. People marry now with only minimal sense of investment - I speak here from personal experience. If there isn't an investment there, especially in a future that includes children, then it's a doomed endeavor from the start, however much he and/or Fred and George are swept away on adrenalin and oxytocins at the time.

This assumes, of course that Fred and George aren't short for Fredericka and Georgianna. If Harry's energies are committed to a prior investment, however - might this Order of the Phoenix be a factor here? - then I believe the argument still holds. Just ask my ex-wives!

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
One, you aren't exploiting your computer's potential efficiently enough. Two, humans seem wired to create clutter. It's a physical manifestation of organizational chaos.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Now you sound like my ex-wives. Very well. I'm a mathematician by training and a chaostician in specialty. Give me a set of variables for any large organized system and I can calculate for you exactly how and when it will become completely and utterly fucked. You won't listen to me, of course, but it's what I can do. I also make a mean vegetable tian. With gruyere.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Ah. So that's how it is around here, is it. Unfortunately, you've caught me short-handed, having yanked me so rudely from the daily existence of my choosing. On me I've got - (pats pockets) $350 U.S. And some classic Ray-Ban sunglasses. Will that do? If not (checks self again) I suppose you could have my gold chain, but I'm keeping the leather jacket. Sorry.

Comments

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[peachykeendeath.livejournal.com]

There are a few who at least marginally belong to my sister Delirium, yes. And there are still others who are obsessed with me in a way I don't find flattering at all. Fortunately, unless you get on their bad sides (and their bad sides are much bigger than their good sides), you don't have to worry terribly about them.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Ah. I see. I shall step carefully then. Thank you, ah, Death. Your sister Delirium...I believe I may have met her briefly after Isla Nubar. And Isla Sorna, come to think of it. Does she do nightmares, or is that another member of your, ah, family?

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[peachykeendeath.livejournal.com]

No, nightmares are the realm of my brother Dream. There are seven of us. In order of age, we're Destiny, me, Dream, Destruction, Desire and Despair (they're twins), and Delirium (who used to be Delight).

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

Your family reunions must be ones for the books, then. ::smiles::

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[peachykeendeath.livejournal.com]

You don't want to know. *rolls eyes* Destruction stopped attending them when he abandoned his realm a few centuries ago. Desire attempts to bait everyone, which usually upsets Delirium and sometimes Dream, and then I have to do the big-sister thing for the both of them and shut Desire up while Destiny tries to get the meeting back on track. Despair is comparatively civilized, unless Desire gets her in on the game. It's too bad about Destruction, really; he's one of the few that can get Desire's goat.

Yes, we're just a happy family. Like the Olympians, but without the incest.

Re: Vote: Ravenclaw

[ian-ma1co1m.livejournal.com]

::grins:: Yes, I expect *that* would add a layer of drama none of you really need. I can see where Hogwarts would seem a good place to get away from it all!