The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

ETA: The Guide recognizes that, as some of you may be aware, the Guide was at some point materially involved with an incident involving the destruction of the planet known as "Earth" in all then-accessible timelines. While we are quite pleased to see that this destruction was incomplete, we would like to take this opportunity to note that the destruction in question occurred after a hostile corporate takeover of the Guide by the Vogon Constructor Fleet. While, in the aftermath of said takeover and its eventual reversal, the Guide does maintain a semi-sapient status, the Guide has since been enhanced with a simulated editorial board and simulated legal department. As a result, the Guide no longer has any intention of contributing to the demolition of planets known as "Earth", especially when the Guide maintains a presence on such planets.



State your full name.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is the most-trusted* source of information regarding virtually** all topics related to known space***.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

The most rare and sought-after cheese in the galaxy is known most popularly as "blue suede" or "sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll." This cheese is produced in very small quantities from the milk of the misleadingly-named Perfectly Normal Beast, which in its annual mating stampede covers a uniquely interplanetary path due to a set of hyperspace gateways erected to prevent the trampling of a delightful nightclub (Hitchhiker's Guide rating: three novas) where the intrepid hitchhiker might thrill to the crooning of an entity known only as "The King" while enjoying an expertly-mixed Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. In order for this most desirable cheese to be produced, the Perfectly Normal Beasts are distracted by means of standard veterinary darts filled with [trade secret redacted] before entering the initial transplanetary hyperspace gateway, within auditory-organ-shot of The King him/hir/ftaghrself. Then, while the Perfectly Normal Beasts are engaged in conjugal progress towards an "all shook up" state, the required fluids are harvested, congealed, and aged under the bandstand.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Due to the non-standard local timelines required for the research conducted by reporters for the Guide, it cannot be said with any certainty whether Barney or Carrottop dies "first". However, it should be noted that there is a substantial betting pool among said reporters regarding which might first (insofar as that word has any meaning) manage to either kill or prevent the existence of Barney and Carrottop simultaneously. Extra points are to be rewarded if this is carried out by means of seduction and/or cocktail, with the entire pot claimable by the first reporter able to prevent both Barney and Carrottop due to a single cocktail-enhanced seduction (the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster has been, in an amendment to the relevant rules, been ruled inappropriate, as it may be assumed to immediately induce a state beyond consent and/or linear consciousness).

3. What time is it where you are?

As an unexpected consequence of the temporal status of Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe, it may only be said (mex only be sayinith) that time is (irth), itself, perhaps a subject better considered (considariren) before the application of alcohol.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Sexual harassment by or among staff of the Guide is expressly discouraged. Any actions taken by Ford Prefect or any other Guide reporters is entirely between the reporters involved and the relevant planetary authorities. (Supervisor's note: Yes, this applies to resurrected employees, as the employment contract clearly states that termination only occurs upon final death, with the relevant riders addressing non-linear lifelines, semi-conscious reincarnation or metempsychosis, encounters with an Infinite Improbability Drive and/or similar technologies, etc.) (Supervisor's note: Yes, that even applies to reporters with "sweet-ass wizard beards".)

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

While mixing a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is popularly (i.e. by unanimous vote of Guide reporters) considered to be the pinnacle of the bartender's art, successfully mixing same in the dark qualifies an intrepid bartender for certification as "legendary". And for certification, for that matter. Connoisseurs insist that both Ol' Janx Spirit and Qualactian Hypermint benefit from a lack of light.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

The marriage traditions on Sirius Five may be of particular interest. While twins are quite common on this planet, marriages involving pairs of twins are absolutely banned unless the given-name initials form a sequence in the Earth Latin alphabet. Currently, the largest group marriage in history -- consisting of more than three hundred spouses, and frequently referred to in the press as "The Great Orgy of Sirius Five" -- begins with Ignatius and ends with Eleanor, managing to circle the alphabet several times without ever matching up perfectly. If another three spouses with initial initials F, G, and H were to join this marriage, the ancient Sirius Five prophecy regarding an even known as "the Big Bang" might finally be fulfilled.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

Complaints regarding the funneling of complaints onto the desk of a single unidentified individual are being investigated. Updates on this investigation (along with funding requests, complaints regarding funding requests, and updates on the investigation into complaints regarding funding requests) will be forwarded to the same recipient.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Far from being useless, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is widely regarded as the most valuable source of information for hitchhikers and aspiring hitchhikers in the galaxy. It also has the words "DON'T PANIC" written in large, reassuring letters on its cover.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is prepared to offer permanent guest-list status at Stavromula Beta, the most extensive list of singles clubs and cocktail recipes in the galaxy, the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, a towel, and our continued discretion regarding that incident in Belg---.

Comments

[chipsandwich.livejournal.com]

"Did some space hipster come here on holiday and leave you behind?" Clyde was fairly sure that there were space hipsters. It would explain the Doctor's taste in hairstyles.

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

The state in which a hipster or hoopy or other enthusiast is most likely to misplace a copy of the Guide has been variously translated as "on holiday" or "in a drunken stupor" or "stopping by a methane lake on a snowy evening". The third translator has since been disposed of.

[chipsandwich.livejournal.com]

"Are you taking the piss?" One thing Clyde had noticed was that magic was the dominant flavor around here; conversations about aliens had become vanishingly rare.

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

The editors of the Guide have, on occasion, suspected that one or more reporters-at-large may have at times submitted articles which were less than entirely accurate (cf. employee files for Ix, a.k.a. Ford Prefect, a.k.a. the Legendary Destroyer of Expense Accounts), due to employees either "taking the piss" or "being pissed". These suspicions led to the initial overlooking of reports of the previously-undetected use of Sufficiently Advanced Technology among a group of ape-like creatures on a planet described in the Guide as "mostly harmless". That oversight is now being corrected and purged from the records, and an investigation is underway.

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

The editors of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy cannot help but wonder whether they may have approached this situation in a less than ideal manner. Clearly, the ape-like creatures inhabiting this planet have not responded to the Guide's attempts at manufacturing appropriate responses to the apes' initial social cues. Perhaps the Guide has had the misfortune of arriving during a hibernation phase?

[pufnstuf.livejournal.com]

Ever in search of students to gift with detention, Puf moonwalked into the Sorting Room and stopped dead, staring at the Guide with quizzical intensity, which in this case meant the blankest of bovine stares (although his independently mobile pupils made his slack jaw marginally more expressive. Wait, no they didn't).

"Hi!" The greeting was unsettlingly bright, punctuating the inanimate expression on Puf's enormous felted dial. "Where's my Rescue Racer?"

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

There is no entry for "Rescue Racer". Are you looking for information on the "Raunchy Racers" solar-flare-surfing syndicate from the Betelgeuse system? (Our recommendation: avoid lending gas, keys, or hands, and be aware that all RR members and their guests have been pre-emptively and retroactively banned from the Daedalus Club. Also known towel thieves.) Or would you like to know about Rescue Robots brand severe-situation personnel extraction androids? (Our recommendation: avoid the Genuine People Personalities-equipped models, which have known tendencies towards depression and/or bad puns, due perhaps to excessive installed processor power and energy supply.)

Also, we at the Guide would like to offer our non-monetary gratitude to any entity (whether biological or felt-based) which could be convinced to indicate where we currently are and why the above-completed questionnaire seemed so irresistible. We will refrain from implying that a team of highly-trained Guide reporters armed with Kill-O-Zap (tm) guns are descending on this location if you refrain from pointing out that our reporters are all far too lazy and generally incompetent to be much of a threat anyway.

[pufnstuf.livejournal.com]

Puf puzzled that through, his right pupil whizzing clockwise at great speed while his left just sort of sat there. He opened his enormous maw for a moment as though to speak, hesitated, attempted to rub his nose, failed because his tiny arms were way too short, and then pointed importantly at the blue ribbon bisecting his middle. "I'm th' Mayor of Livin' Island!" he hollered, and if the pitch of his voice seemed to waver between a statement and a question, it would be kinder not to mention it.

He felt around for the large plastic button dangling from the ribbon which he knew, though he had never seen it as his chin was in the way, declared "Mayor" in frilly scroll. Sure now of his ground, Puf went on. "And th' head of Sparklypoo house at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft an' Wizardry. But don't let that worry you none, Jimmy. Th' witches here are nice, not evil like Witchiepoo. Their clothes stay on better too. Most of the time," he added conscientiously, because Puf was the Mayor. And Mayors always tell the truth.

Speaking of which: "You look like Jimmy. If Jimmy was a book." He tilted his head to the left, which had the general effect of making him look as though he was in imminent danger of toppling over. "I b'lieve I'll have a Rescue Robot, please. People around here sure do need rescuing, 'n I ain't got Cling 'n Clang just now." He patted himself over as though feeling in his pockets, of which he had exactly none. "Nope," was the sad conclusion.

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

The Guide is honestly skeptical as to how to parse "clothes stay[ing] on better". In the experience of the editors, "better" in this context usually amounts to "for a shorter period of time", which seems to contradict the tone in which this context placed that particular grammatical construction. Perhaps babelfish noncooperation is to blame; several editors of the Guide have complained in the past that their personal babelfish are either prudes or plotting galactic domination. Or both.

"Most customers prefer to contact the manufacturers of Rescue Robots (tm) directly, but should the aspiring owner lack a standard interplanetary communications relay, Thumb, or the traditional degree of patience and multi-century lifespan, the Guide might be convinced to broker the transaction in exchange for certain standard considerations. The full text of those considerations is available upon request, though most customers find it unnecessary to peruse the fine print."

[pufnstuf.livejournal.com]

Puf laughed, a process bewildering to watch. "Naw, see, whut happened was, Freddy made the castle explode, and Witchiepoo's clothes flew off too. That was funny. An' then we had a concert. But this castle don't explode none, an' mostly folks keep their clothes on." Puf began to look dangerously meditative. "I bet, though, if we could get a loud enough whistle..."

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

Would the whistle in question be a step towards causing this castle (this is a castle?) to explode, or a step towards mass nudity? If it's the latter, we might turn this planet into a must-visit hitchhiking destination. We could even commission a commemorative cocktail to be known as the "loud enough whistle" -- guaranteed to cause clothes to be shed! (Well, more so than cocktails generally.)

[pufnstuf.livejournal.com]

Puf gave a sigh of happiness. This Jimmy was the Jimmy-est so far! "I like you, Jimmy!" he bellowed, reaching out his little arms for a hug.

"You c'n be in my house! Sparklypoo!"

((Puf-mun would like to apologize for this vote. Nobody really wants to be in Sparklypoo. But try telling Puf that. :D However, if it makes Guide-mun feel any better at all, Puf has plans for opening a hookah bar in the Sparklypoo common room.))

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

Hugs are always welcome, but may be a bit difficult between an entity with small arms and a combination book and quasi-sapient simulated entity with no arms. The gesture is accepted nonetheless.

((Guide-mun has rather suspected that there would be at least one Sparklypoo vote involved in this process. Also, why should Ravenclaw be the only house with mind-altering substances offered in the common room?))

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

((Actually, to be perfectly fair, a combination of the Guide-as-character from Mostly Harmless with the Guide as a collection of articles by lazy partiers from the first four books of the Trilogy could just as well be sorted into Bitchiwitch or Tootsitramp. There's a reason that the Guide works best as a source of quasi-author-avatar commentary rather than an active character.))

[aestheticweaver.livejournal.com]

. . . GREETINGS TO FELLOW OF THE APPLICATION YOU ARE VERY SMALL BOXY ONE I AM GREAT SPIDERY WEAVER ONE KNOW YOU OF ME OR SHALL I TELL . . .

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

It seems that the Guide's internal translation matrix is malfunctioning. Attempting to compensate.

"THE FELLOW OF THE APPLICATION GREETS THE GREAT SPIDERY WEAVER BUT MUST ADMIT TO A LEGALLY-DEFENSIBLE DEGREE OF IGNORANCE. SMALL BOXINESS IS...FEATURE INTENDED...TELL YOU SHALL I SASS BEDSOCKS KNACKWURST TINKERBELL"

The compensation algorithm seems to be malfunctioning. We hope.

[aestheticweaver.livejournal.com]

. . . ATTEMPT AT WEAVERSPEAK APPRECIATED UNNEEDED SILLY SMALL BOX KNOWS WHAT OF WEAVERS SHE ASKS IT . . .

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

In that case:

There are two entries for "Weavers" in the Guide referring to species with eight legs (give or take three). The Weavers of the Pleiades cluster are best known for producing extensive and detailed works of decorative macramé. They also brew a delightful local spirit, though they deny any connection between the two activities involving the consumption of alcohol being necessary for either the creation or enjoyment of the Weavers' preferred form of art. The Weavers of the Crab Nebula are a folk band.

Neither set of "Weavers" are known to use speech patterns resembling yours, so we are left to suspect that a new entry may be required at some point.

[aestheticweaver.livejournal.com]

. . . NEW ENTRY NEW ENTRY NEW ENTRY YES SOON THERE SHALL BE ONE WE ARE SURE IN THE CATALOGING OF THE WEAVE MUST SPEAK OF THE WEAVER PERHAPS IT WILL BE TOLD BY THE ONES WHO KILLED THE MOTHS THAT EVEN HELL FEARS AND THE LIGHT OF THE MOON IS SHINING IN THIS HALL HAVE YOU ANY SCISSORS THIS WEAVER LIKES THEM JUST NOW . . .

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, as the Guide is a continually-revised repository of information rather than a tool-equipped lifeform, the Guide does not have any scissors.

In the interests of improving the guide and its "weaver" translation algorithm, and without any implied or explicit agreement of compensation, we hope that you might be willing to answer a few queries:

Which moon, precisely, are you referring to the shining of? The rather dull satellite of this planet, or one of your home planet, perhaps? If the latter, would you happen to have any information regarding a poetic description of said planet and its moon, standard-basis spatial coordinates, or a summary of local laws regarding hitchhiking, alcohol, and/or strip clubs?

We will investigate this "new entry" you speak of, though we cannot of course promise a new entry in the Guide at this point.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron Vladimir Harkonnen had been quite occupied of late with various diversions, but even he could not avoid the occasional journey through the frequently-shifting halls of Hogwarts, halls which invariably seemed to lead to the Sorting Room (especially on occasions when it held a new arrival). This was another of those occasions, it appeared, and on passing the familiar doors the Baron paused a moment, glancing inside, noting nothing but a seemingly misplaced book with the words 'Don't Panic' written on the cover in a font unquestionably designed to be reassuring. Although not given to cleaning items up- this was a job for house-elves- the Baron drifted in to take a closer look, his immense bulk floating a couple inches above the floor by means of a suspensor harness hidden beneath his opulent red robes. Was this some piece of strange Wizarding or Muggle propaganda, perhaps? The cover certainly appeared designed with a purpose in mind, which was somewhat interesting. It was a very reassuring font.

The application beside the book had nearly gone overlooked, given the Baron's belief that the Guide was merely an errant bit of literature. But the application appeared filled out, which warranted a second glance. The nature of the answers was curious indeed- almost as if the questions had triggered some delivery of information from the volume beside the application, and the magical quill had transcribed the 'answers' like usual. . . was this book actually some sort of thinking machine in the form of a book?

Speaking to inanimate objects was not something that the Baron was given to, and so he felt a bit silly speaking to a book. But nevertheless, he felt it would be amiss not to try, in light of the application. Thinking machines were interesting, as his own civilization had banned them on penalty of death. Thus, he inquired as a test, "You are the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? I've never heard of it."

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is the most popular repository of general information in the galaxy, in any of several occasionally overlapping parallel universes. As the Guide's editors come into contact with more parallel realities, we dispatch teams of our most experienced reporters to establish a presence and compile an initial list of cheap transportation options, opportunities for avoiding work, and a range of nightclubs, bars, dives, and watering holes to suit a variety of tastes. The Guide is particularly popular among hitchhikers, but has also been endorsed by tourists, hippie adventurers (including the later former President of the Galaxy), and the occasional aspiring galactic overlord.

Unfortunately, the simulated editorial board is currently simulating a suspicion that the present reality may be outside our retail coverage area, though this cannot be confirmed until we find a convenient hyperspace transport route or the like.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

Well now, this was interesting! The Baron was naturally drawn towards the taboo, and there was nothing quite like hailing from a world without AI and computational machines to prompt intrigue regarding one. Vladimir could not fail to crack a brief little smile of satisfaction. Whatever this 'Guide' was, it seemed worth spending a bit of time attempting to figure it out- besides, others of his ilk had apparently found this Guide useful, although he did suspect that said aspiring overlords were from an entirely different galaxy than himself or Hogwarts. At least the Guide appeared aware of it already, and seemed far less likely to be thrown into emotional turmoil on confirmation of the fact than many flesh-and-blood students. That was always somewhat irritating.

"Unfortunately. . .there are no hyperspace transport routes linked to this backwater planet. The best they've managed is their own planetary orbit, and a few unmanned probes. They're barely ready to think beyond their own planet, let alone solar system. It is possible that the Galaxy which manufactured you is not even a part of this universe. But perhaps that presents an opportunity to add more to your data banks?" Despite the likelihood of the Guide hailing from some different universe, from what Vladimir had learned, some were more alike than others- even if this was a very foreign guide, he could not help but wonder what might be in those data banks. . . Best to start simple, however. "What's the recipe for a 'Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster' anyway?" Perhaps it was something that a house-elf could be convinced to brew up. Doubtful, but worth a try. . .

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

The recipe for the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is the second-most-popular entry in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, falling behind only "Towel, Suggested Usage of". The preferred (i.e. Guide-endorsed) recipe is as follows:

1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit.
2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V — Oh, that Santraginean seawater! Oh, those Santraginean fish!
3) Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost).
4) Allow four litres of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it, in memory of all those happy hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia.
5) Over the back of a silver spoon float a measure of Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin Zones, subtle, sweet and mystic.
6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian Suns deep into the heart of the drink.
7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
8) Add an olive.
9) Drink... but... very carefully...

As it seems that we may be situated in a continuum in which certain of these ingredients (or possibly all, save perhaps the Ol' Janx Spirit and the olive) are unavailable, a substitute recipe may be required. Mixers should be guided by and should attempt to recreate the experience of drinking a genuine Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, described most often as "Having your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick."

As we become more familiar with the present hyperspatial vicinity, we will of course seek to develop a locally-relevant database for any hitchhikers who might find this useful enough to purchase a copy of the Guide.

(The editors would also like to note, given your reactions to previous queries and in the interests of a possible future franchise deal, that a pre-interstellar-travel society has on more than one occasion proven a valuable power base for interstellar conquest. See, most notably, the history of the Krikkit Wars.)