The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

ETA: The Guide recognizes that, as some of you may be aware, the Guide was at some point materially involved with an incident involving the destruction of the planet known as "Earth" in all then-accessible timelines. While we are quite pleased to see that this destruction was incomplete, we would like to take this opportunity to note that the destruction in question occurred after a hostile corporate takeover of the Guide by the Vogon Constructor Fleet. While, in the aftermath of said takeover and its eventual reversal, the Guide does maintain a semi-sapient status, the Guide has since been enhanced with a simulated editorial board and simulated legal department. As a result, the Guide no longer has any intention of contributing to the demolition of planets known as "Earth", especially when the Guide maintains a presence on such planets.



State your full name.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is the most-trusted* source of information regarding virtually** all topics related to known space***.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

The most rare and sought-after cheese in the galaxy is known most popularly as "blue suede" or "sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll." This cheese is produced in very small quantities from the milk of the misleadingly-named Perfectly Normal Beast, which in its annual mating stampede covers a uniquely interplanetary path due to a set of hyperspace gateways erected to prevent the trampling of a delightful nightclub (Hitchhiker's Guide rating: three novas) where the intrepid hitchhiker might thrill to the crooning of an entity known only as "The King" while enjoying an expertly-mixed Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster. In order for this most desirable cheese to be produced, the Perfectly Normal Beasts are distracted by means of standard veterinary darts filled with [trade secret redacted] before entering the initial transplanetary hyperspace gateway, within auditory-organ-shot of The King him/hir/ftaghrself. Then, while the Perfectly Normal Beasts are engaged in conjugal progress towards an "all shook up" state, the required fluids are harvested, congealed, and aged under the bandstand.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Due to the non-standard local timelines required for the research conducted by reporters for the Guide, it cannot be said with any certainty whether Barney or Carrottop dies "first". However, it should be noted that there is a substantial betting pool among said reporters regarding which might first (insofar as that word has any meaning) manage to either kill or prevent the existence of Barney and Carrottop simultaneously. Extra points are to be rewarded if this is carried out by means of seduction and/or cocktail, with the entire pot claimable by the first reporter able to prevent both Barney and Carrottop due to a single cocktail-enhanced seduction (the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster has been, in an amendment to the relevant rules, been ruled inappropriate, as it may be assumed to immediately induce a state beyond consent and/or linear consciousness).

3. What time is it where you are?

As an unexpected consequence of the temporal status of Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe, it may only be said (mex only be sayinith) that time is (irth), itself, perhaps a subject better considered (considariren) before the application of alcohol.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Sexual harassment by or among staff of the Guide is expressly discouraged. Any actions taken by Ford Prefect or any other Guide reporters is entirely between the reporters involved and the relevant planetary authorities. (Supervisor's note: Yes, this applies to resurrected employees, as the employment contract clearly states that termination only occurs upon final death, with the relevant riders addressing non-linear lifelines, semi-conscious reincarnation or metempsychosis, encounters with an Infinite Improbability Drive and/or similar technologies, etc.) (Supervisor's note: Yes, that even applies to reporters with "sweet-ass wizard beards".)

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

While mixing a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is popularly (i.e. by unanimous vote of Guide reporters) considered to be the pinnacle of the bartender's art, successfully mixing same in the dark qualifies an intrepid bartender for certification as "legendary". And for certification, for that matter. Connoisseurs insist that both Ol' Janx Spirit and Qualactian Hypermint benefit from a lack of light.

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

The marriage traditions on Sirius Five may be of particular interest. While twins are quite common on this planet, marriages involving pairs of twins are absolutely banned unless the given-name initials form a sequence in the Earth Latin alphabet. Currently, the largest group marriage in history -- consisting of more than three hundred spouses, and frequently referred to in the press as "The Great Orgy of Sirius Five" -- begins with Ignatius and ends with Eleanor, managing to circle the alphabet several times without ever matching up perfectly. If another three spouses with initial initials F, G, and H were to join this marriage, the ancient Sirius Five prophecy regarding an even known as "the Big Bang" might finally be fulfilled.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

Complaints regarding the funneling of complaints onto the desk of a single unidentified individual are being investigated. Updates on this investigation (along with funding requests, complaints regarding funding requests, and updates on the investigation into complaints regarding funding requests) will be forwarded to the same recipient.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Far from being useless, the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is widely regarded as the most valuable source of information for hitchhikers and aspiring hitchhikers in the galaxy. It also has the words "DON'T PANIC" written in large, reassuring letters on its cover.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is prepared to offer permanent guest-list status at Stavromula Beta, the most extensive list of singles clubs and cocktail recipes in the galaxy, the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything, a towel, and our continued discretion regarding that incident in Belg---.

Comments

[pufnstuf.livejournal.com]

Puf puzzled that through, his right pupil whizzing clockwise at great speed while his left just sort of sat there. He opened his enormous maw for a moment as though to speak, hesitated, attempted to rub his nose, failed because his tiny arms were way too short, and then pointed importantly at the blue ribbon bisecting his middle. "I'm th' Mayor of Livin' Island!" he hollered, and if the pitch of his voice seemed to waver between a statement and a question, it would be kinder not to mention it.

He felt around for the large plastic button dangling from the ribbon which he knew, though he had never seen it as his chin was in the way, declared "Mayor" in frilly scroll. Sure now of his ground, Puf went on. "And th' head of Sparklypoo house at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft an' Wizardry. But don't let that worry you none, Jimmy. Th' witches here are nice, not evil like Witchiepoo. Their clothes stay on better too. Most of the time," he added conscientiously, because Puf was the Mayor. And Mayors always tell the truth.

Speaking of which: "You look like Jimmy. If Jimmy was a book." He tilted his head to the left, which had the general effect of making him look as though he was in imminent danger of toppling over. "I b'lieve I'll have a Rescue Robot, please. People around here sure do need rescuing, 'n I ain't got Cling 'n Clang just now." He patted himself over as though feeling in his pockets, of which he had exactly none. "Nope," was the sad conclusion.

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

The Guide is honestly skeptical as to how to parse "clothes stay[ing] on better". In the experience of the editors, "better" in this context usually amounts to "for a shorter period of time", which seems to contradict the tone in which this context placed that particular grammatical construction. Perhaps babelfish noncooperation is to blame; several editors of the Guide have complained in the past that their personal babelfish are either prudes or plotting galactic domination. Or both.

"Most customers prefer to contact the manufacturers of Rescue Robots (tm) directly, but should the aspiring owner lack a standard interplanetary communications relay, Thumb, or the traditional degree of patience and multi-century lifespan, the Guide might be convinced to broker the transaction in exchange for certain standard considerations. The full text of those considerations is available upon request, though most customers find it unnecessary to peruse the fine print."

[pufnstuf.livejournal.com]

Puf laughed, a process bewildering to watch. "Naw, see, whut happened was, Freddy made the castle explode, and Witchiepoo's clothes flew off too. That was funny. An' then we had a concert. But this castle don't explode none, an' mostly folks keep their clothes on." Puf began to look dangerously meditative. "I bet, though, if we could get a loud enough whistle..."

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

Would the whistle in question be a step towards causing this castle (this is a castle?) to explode, or a step towards mass nudity? If it's the latter, we might turn this planet into a must-visit hitchhiking destination. We could even commission a commemorative cocktail to be known as the "loud enough whistle" -- guaranteed to cause clothes to be shed! (Well, more so than cocktails generally.)

[pufnstuf.livejournal.com]

Puf gave a sigh of happiness. This Jimmy was the Jimmy-est so far! "I like you, Jimmy!" he bellowed, reaching out his little arms for a hug.

"You c'n be in my house! Sparklypoo!"

((Puf-mun would like to apologize for this vote. Nobody really wants to be in Sparklypoo. But try telling Puf that. :D However, if it makes Guide-mun feel any better at all, Puf has plans for opening a hookah bar in the Sparklypoo common room.))

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

Hugs are always welcome, but may be a bit difficult between an entity with small arms and a combination book and quasi-sapient simulated entity with no arms. The gesture is accepted nonetheless.

((Guide-mun has rather suspected that there would be at least one Sparklypoo vote involved in this process. Also, why should Ravenclaw be the only house with mind-altering substances offered in the common room?))

[panic-bad.livejournal.com]

((Actually, to be perfectly fair, a combination of the Guide-as-character from Mostly Harmless with the Guide as a collection of articles by lazy partiers from the first four books of the Trilogy could just as well be sorted into Bitchiwitch or Tootsitramp. There's a reason that the Guide works best as a source of quasi-author-avatar commentary rather than an active character.))