Application: Rat Lord Vishnu's Love Handles (book)

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

The small young man paced back and forth in his cell. He'd already inspected everything in the room. The chair and the table could be used as weapons. If he stood beside the door long enough, he could hit whoever came in and escape. But if he did that, he still might not get out anyway. Better to patiently wait and listen to what they had to say, even if he lost the element of surprise.

Right now they were probably torturing Sage and would kill her and he'd never see her again and it was all his fault and they'd come and torture him too. He paced faster.

Even taking a test started to look better than sitting here doing nothing.


1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

Rat fiddled with an earring. Cheese? Who cares about cheese? "Your personality test sucks."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"Trick question, huh? Yes, I'd kill whichever one was coked-up and coming at me with a knife, about to kill me. But breaking an arm's enough to stop people, usually."

3. What time is it where you are?

Rat rolled his eyes, though it was hard to tell because they were shiny black orbs, thanks to novelty contacts.
"Time for you to get a watch, dumbass."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Rat's big ears actually turned a little pink. "I don't... You bring my sister back and I'll make him harass anyone you want, anyhow."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

He thought a moment. "At Your Own Risk. That way no idiots will whine when they stub their toe or get a bloody nose from walking around in a dark bar."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"What do I care if these assholes want to get married!? I can tell you about them, sure, but I need Sage first."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Because you're not doing it fast enough, dumbass. I don't have to remote-view to figure out that one. Or people are putting their paperwork on your desk while you're away."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"I'm a good remote viewer. One of the best Influencers around. But I need Sage to do it well. And hey, I could teach you Aikido or Judo into the bargain."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"Well, see. If you have my sister and you haven't hurt her I'll go back to working for you. I won't track you down and kill you like an animal or anything." He checked his pockets "And I have lottery tickets." He waved the bundle. "Lottery tickets, right here."

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. __Rat__________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. ___Rat________.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. ___Rat________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ___Rat__________
I don't wear knickers ___Rat_____"


((Rat, like Sage is an empath and an Influencer. He also has amazing waif-fu IC. If you're supernaturally fast or strong, you can beat him, no problem. If you're some kind of master ninja, you can beat him. If you're good at martial arts, he probably has a chance of at least landing a punch.

PB: Kitt Turtlington from the movie Gypsy 83))

Comments

[totallyluminous.livejournal.com]

Mel to the rescue! Well, perhaps not to the complete rescue--the man is obviously very troubled, and as for his sister--it's entirely possible time might have stopped, but also possible it's merrily rolling along. The angel approaches with wary eyes, feel-good vibes tentatively outstretched. Just in case he needs them.

'You're not wherever you were,' is her opening, and then she tilts her head the tiniest bit. 'But, um, you're safe here.' She really hopes he doesn't go off about how his sister isn't, but she seems to be somewhat of a preoccupation, understandably.

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

Feel-good vibes are most appreciated. Rat relaxes, only to catch himself What if it's a trap? "I hope we're safe, after all" he mumbles. "You're another empath?"

[totallyluminous.livejournal.com]

'Kind of,' she allows, and smiles briefly. 'We're probably from different places--empaths don't exist where I'm from.' Then again, you also thought angels were a great fat lie.

'This place is probably not your world, either. Basically, um, people from different worlds come to this school. Empaths, ghosts, normal humans, whoever.'

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

"School, so...not SHIMMER. Probably just as bad."
Weak smile. Oh, he likes the vibes. He could just stand next to the woman all day.

[ostianespionage.livejournal.com]

Matthew blinked. Sister... Sage... This must be "Rat," then...

"Your sister... Blonde, long hair, about so high?"

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

((As always, stop me if I godmod))
"What!? You've seen her?" Rat moved in further, trying to read the guy's memories. No strong emotional images of Sage. She must be alright. Or maybe this guy wasn't the one torturing her.

[ostianespionage.livejournal.com]

Matthew nodded. "Yeah, I was at her Sorting a couple of weeks ago. I suppose that makes you Rat, unless she has another brother she didn't mention."

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

((Ar! LJ ate my earlier reply!))

"Really? How's she doing? Where are they keeping her?" The sooner he knew, the sooner he could plan his way out of here.

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

"Pardon me," said Albus Dumbledore, kindly but firmly. "You did not intend to say you would make Albus Dumbledore harass anyone, did you?"

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

Rat almost hissed. Crazies in robes gave him flashbacks.
But he controlled himself enough to be diplomatic.

"That depends. If he wouldn't harass anyone at all on his own, I might not be able to do it. But I could try.

Who wants me to, anyway?"

[lemondrop-party.livejournal.com]

Dumbledore sighed. He was genuinely saddened. "I had hoped that was an ill-chosen phrase, not a declaration of sincere intent." Oh, children. "Young man, you will do no such thing in my school. To force another to act against his own will is known to us as the Imperius Curse, and it is Unforgivable."

My school, he said, and meant it, though Hogwarts was no longer his to command. He would do what he could to prevent such monstrosities. Bad enough that Grindelwald should walk among them, spreading his insidious ideology with sweet words. Which was worse, the naked display of aggression this Rat person made, or the feigned friendliness of a Grindelwald? Both were bad enough, that was all.

"If you were to force someone to harass another, you would be the true harasser of both victims. The one who is harassed, and the one whom you have forced." He shook his head. "Do you wish to be known as a victimizer of the innocent?"

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

((Edited for clarity. BTW- You can squib or expel him if you like. I thought Influencing might be a little problematic, but any good wizard ought to be able to put a block on it. That's also why I assumed Rat can't read Dumbledore well at all.))
"I don't know about your school, but I'm an Influencer, not a controller. The last guy I know who tried controlling people with his gifts ended up in a coma.

And yes, I mean, yes I know it would be my fault if I forced two people to do whatever." Rat rubbed his temples, feeling a headache coming on. Nobody was this squeamish at SHIMMER.

"Ok, I lied a little. I thought these people wanted me to try to Influence this Dumbledore person, so I'd say sure and get out of doing it. And I'd see Sage and we'd get out of there."

F@rking hell. Ethics lessons. Now we'll end up getting burned as a witch or something.

Vote: Squib

[12panelwonder.livejournal.com]

Oh great, another one.

(http://s114.photobucket.com/albums/n274/timeladyfred/?action=view&current=mattsquib.png)

Re: Vote: Squib

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

Rat looks puzzled and assumes the worst. "I don't get it, but hey, screw you too."

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

"I suppose I should squib you for not taking the application seriously," mused Aziraphale. "But you've got lottery tickets. Can you use your preternatural powers to tell if they'll actually win you anything?"

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

((I may be going a bit far: slap me on the wrist if I godmod))

The man seemed British, intelligent, and gay as a tree of monkeys, but Rat felt some sort of power behind it all.

"Sure," he said cautiously. "When you scratch them off, all three windows will say you've won ten-thousand dollars." It was technically the truth, anyway.

[rarebookangel.livejournal.com]

((Well, they;'re all true things, and that's pretty much a direct canon quote, so that's fine.))

"Very good," Aziraphale beamed. "So if I take these tickets from you, which charity should I donate my winnings to?"

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

"Uh." Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Quite a lot of power behind that cheerful facade.

"There might be a few things wrong with the tickets" Rat admitted.

[forlornexultant.livejournal.com]

"What has been done to your eyes?"

The Chatelaine was more curious than intimidated.

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

Rat's not exactly intimidating, but he put his hands on his hips and stared up at Thecla.

"Contacts." he shrugged. "They're practical for Aikido. People can't tell where I'm going to go if they can't see where I'm looking." And the clothing was practical too, in a way.

[forlornexultant.livejournal.com]

"It's not meant to frighten people, then?" Thecla gazed down into the black-on-black contacts with equanimity. "What gave you the idea?"

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Track us down and kill us like an animal?" The Hat was appalled. Maybe. "Is that what you want to do? Oh, it's like that song! You want to feel us from the inside! Your whole existence is flawed! But we can't help your isolation, we can't help the hate that it brings." Relieved, it spun about. "I'm so glad that turned out to be just a lyrical interlude. For a moment there I thought you might actually be threatening us! That would be disregarding our explicit instructions in the application!"

[rat-bstrd.livejournal.com]

Hallucinating? Rat had seen weirdness, but a hat coming to life, just to mock him? "Uh, no...hat spirit I wasn't threatening you!" Did hats have chakras? Could you read them like human energy. Not about to try.

He tried humming a few bars of the song, except it was completely unhummable.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Hat spirit! Ha ha ha! You may call me Sorting Hat the Wise. So, you're a remote viewer, hmm? Would you even be able to see a hidden ninja, who is using his secret arts?"

Hufflepuff!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Hufflepuff!