Application for Camerlengo Patrick McKenna: Angels and Demons (film)

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

((I am cheating and taking McKenna from way, way before any of the events of Angels and Demons, so there are no spoilers or bits that made me want to tear my hair out.))

The newest member of Hogwarts was young for a priest, not even forty. Dressed in a flowing black cassock, he seemed like a silhouette save for the white clerical collar. The stone walls were definitely not the lush office he'd just left. "Hello?" he said in Italian, then again in English, with an Irish accent.

Patrick McKenna took a few deep breaths. He had no idea where he was, or what had just happened, but he was a man who could remain calm in a crisis. He had a quiet, reserved air, and even in his confusion he seemed solid and self-assured. McKenna had natural determination and Army training to thank for keeping him from panicking.

The only clue was a quill on a table. It was floating, and he noticed that it had written his words down. The quill hovered over a sheet of questions. Maybe in exchange for his answers, he could get some of his own.

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Like many before him, Camerlengo McKenna was baffled by the cheese question. No place to even put his name? "My favorite cheese? I don't know. Maybe parmesan? Now for my favorite individual cheese, somebody once wrote a poem about a 7000lb block of cheddar. Any cheese that inspires poetry has got to be a favorite cheese."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
The young priest smiled at the question, which seemed so silly to him. "I have to say, the choice of targets is interesting." In this day and age, when "I could kill him!" was a common statement, he assumed it was hypothetical. If it was some sort of trick question, he was sure of his answer.

"In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells us that not only should we not kill, but that we must forgive our brother for whatever wrong he has done us. It would be a great hardship for me to forgive Barney and Carrottop for the wrongs they've done to television," he said, barely containing a chuckle, "but I suppose I must."

3. What time is it where you are?
"Almost three," he said, pushing back his long black sleeve to reveal a cheap watch. "Assuming that Central European Time will serve as well as anything else."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
McKenna folded his hands in front of him. "I'm sorry, I will not answer this question," he said softly, but firmly.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
"Oh," he said, taking the opportunity for some levity after the last question. "I don't think it would be a good idea to have a priest bartend in the dark. You'd never be able to find me. It would have to be called Saint Amand, after the patron saint of barkeepers."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
The levity was short-lived, and McKenna turned solemn again. "I should hope that Harry, Fred, and George should find comfort and strength in Christ to remain chaste, and blameless in the eyes of God." Judging by the questions, he could guess that his answer would be unpopular. Still, his jaw and determination were set. Let the criticism come.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
"Because, like many in the Church, the new ways seem strange and unfamiliar," McKenna said, more brusquely than he intended in light of the last question. "I promise that a computer will help. If even the Holy Father can see the light of the digital age, anyone can learn to use one."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
"Well, somebody had to teach His Holiness how to use e-mail. I'm the Camerlengo, which in layman's terms means that I assist the Pope. I've... I've made strides in bringing little touches of the modern world into the Church. Believe me, that is the very definition of hard work and perseverance. I've also served my time in the military as a helicopter pilot and a field medic, if more practical skills are needed."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
"I wouldn't call it a bribe, but maybe an offering? I have..." he fished under the cassock "...five euros. Enough for a caffè in Rome. Even priests need their caffeine fix." Finished with the questions, McKenna again folded his hands in front of him and waited.

"I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. __Fr McKenna_____
I have read the [info]hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. _Fr McKenna_____.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. __Fr McKenna_____.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ____________"

Comments

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

Having been raised by nuns, Miranda was no fan of the Church, but she smiled at McKenna's humor anyway. "Don't worry- you won't be asked to harass anyone here. And there's no more homosexuality than anywhere else." She might have been a little spiteful with the last comment.

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

"I promise that I usually don't go around stating my views on homosexuality," McKenna said, "unless they're directly asked of me. Where is here, by the way? And how did I get here?"

[ringo-raver.livejournal.com]

"But that's boring! If no one killed anyone, it wouldn't be interesting!"

Servant of God, meet god of death.

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

The sight of Ryuk would make most people unfamiliar with the supernatural take a few steps back, and McKenna was no exception. "I don't think Christ had entertainment in mind when he spoke about these things," he said after regaining him composure. "I think there are better ways people could go about keeping life interesting."

[livingaustria.livejournal.com]

"You and I are a few hours off, friend," Austria said with a smile, as he was kindly disposed toward fellow Catholics. (Much better than those Protestants. And France.)

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

McKenna briefly returned the smile, but he was too confused to be cheerful for long. "What time is it?" he asked. "Will I be here long enough to need to set my watch?"

Vote: Squib

[cockneysplosive.livejournal.com]

And prejudice rears its ugly head.

"Fucking Catholics!"

(http://s114.photobucket.com/albums/n274/timeladyfred/?action=view&current=bashersquib.png)

Re: Vote: Squib

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

Like he hadn't heard that one before.

"God's peace be with you," he said as civilly as he could.

[is-falling-down.livejournal.com]

The Photojournalist had managed to wander his way back into the gigantic fucking hall and thought he'd have a try at whatever it was they did here. Talked to people, as far he could tell, and he could sure do that. This guy looked like some kind of a priest... Oh, okay, apparently this guy was some kind of a priest.

"Man, there's a patron saint of barkeepers? Wellll, I didn't know that." It was interesting... sort of. The Photojournalist wasn't big on religion of any sort - even if he had been, the jungle would have changed all of that - but a an interesting fact was an interesting fact, no matter what the color. Right?

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

"There's a patron saint for almost everything," he said amiably. "There are books and web sites devoted to the lives of saints, and what they are patrons of. Saint Amand is the patron saint of beer and wine makers, and also the Boy Scouts." McKenna smiled briefly. "Which, I understand, may not be the best combination."

[totallyluminous.livejournal.com]

Aside from the gay-stuff (which she has to give him props for being sensitive about), Mel thinks she doesn't mind this guy. He's sweet, in a kind of Catholic way. Mel never devoted much time to study of religion, which made it kind of awkward when she was killed, and went to Heaven.

'So, the Sermon on the Mount. I should totally know this--is that the one with the bread and fish?'

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

A question that he knew the answer to, that wasn't about cheese. "No," he said pleasantly. "The Sermon on the Mount is where Jesus teaches the disciples how to live like him. The Beatitudes and the Our Father come from the Sermon on the Mount. The loaves and fishes comes later, at least in the Gospel of Matthew."

[nemofound.livejournal.com]

And, right on schedule, here came the little orange fishie with his helper house-elf and entourage of pets. Domino obediently wheeled the tank up to a polite distance. He folded his hands and looked down to indicate that he was not the one with whom the priest should converse.

"Hi, I'm Nemo," said Nemo. "You sound like you know a lot of stuff. My dad knows a lot of stuff, and so does Dr. Grant, who's like my dad while I'm here at Hogwarts. Are you a dad?"

((It'll be a few hours before I can reply.))

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

A talking fish. It certainly wasn't as terrifying as Ryuk, but McKenna couldn't keep his eyebrows from shooting up in surprise. It did take him a few seconds to formulate his reply.

"No, I'm not a dad," he said. "I'm a priest." Did fish have a concept of God? Wait, what was he thinking? They weren't supposed to be able to talk, much less comprehend a higher power. Without being able to use God or Jesus in his description, he was at a loss to describe what a priest did. "I try to help people be good. People call priests 'Father,' though, so maybe you're on to something."

[woocha.livejournal.com]

Is there a patron saint for dogs?

Can you blame him for asking? Dogs don't have religion.

Also I've been using Sunflora too much recently.

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

Now it was a talking dog. At any moment, McKenna was expecting to hear a voice telling him to ignore the man behind the curtain. He had to wrack his brains for an answer, because he knew a lot less about dogs than beer and wine.

"There's Saint Hubert of Liege," he said. "He's a patron of dogs." And dog bites and rabies, but let's not give the little dog ideas.

[cosmicteddy.livejournal.com]

((Because this could be interesting. XD Feel free to have McKenna notice the archangellyness of Michael if you want.))

Michael didn't look much like the divine creature that he was. Actually, he kind of looked like a stressed out man in his early forties with a perpetually wrinkled suit, at least at a casual first glance. He did have extraordinarily lovely eyes, though, and seemed to send out beams of kindness to everyone he came in contact with. In his hand he was currently holding a copy of Hogwarts: A History which the archangel had only found time to start reading recently.

"Goodness, a Camerlengo!" He was pleasantly surprised. Contrary to popular belief, Michael wasn't more inclined to be polite to Catholics than he was to people of other religions. Michael was polite to everybody; he even treated demons somewhat civilly. He did think that the whole phenomenon around the Pope was fascinating, though, and this included the Camerlengo.

"A candidate for Ravenclaw if I ever saw one," he remarked with a little chuckle. "It is a pleasure meting you. It has been a while since I spoke to a man of the Vatican."

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

The recognition of the title surprised him somewhat. Outside of Vatican City, the position didn't garner much attention. He had signed his name as "Father" rather than "Camerlengo" because he was pretty certain he was not in a place where the title would do him much good.

"A pleasure meeting you, as well," he said. "I'm not sure if any of my colleagues have come this way before, as I hope I would have heard of it." McKenna paused. "What is Ravenclaw?"

[calligraphywolf.livejournal.com]

((Fauna? Repost for logic fail. Although I'm sure little hopping bunnies and birds sprouting out of the ground would be fun too.))

Grass and small blossoming flowers grew in the wake of the wolf's passage, the stone ground coming alive as she meandered into the Sorting Room. If the man failed to see her divine markings, the flora, at least, would be a hint that this was no ordinary wolf. McKenna was apparently a man of God, but Amaterasu didn't have high expectations that he'd recognize the living embodiment of the central deity from another religion.

"Heh heh, looks like we've got a live one," said the tiny luminescent sprite who was bouncing on the wolf's head between her ears. Amaterasu made a low whining sound in response, coming to a stop before McKenna and peering up at him. "Fair warning, pops," Issun continued, loud enough for the applicant to hear, "bigotry isn't so popular here." But the homophobia wasn't a deal breaker yet. Issun didn't particularly want to see two dudes -- or anyone, really -- going at it in public either, but he also wasn't about to suggest chastity! Excessive PDA was just gross, that's all. "Hey, that's a funny getup. What a fancy white collar! You somebody's pet?"

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

McKenna was used to accepting the divine as an act of faith, but having a deity in the room with him was a bit too much for the man to handle. He didn't attribute the flora to Amaterasu's divinity, but more to the general weirdness that was surrounding him.

"I promise," he said apologetically to the... thing on the wolf's head, "it was not my intention to come here and pass judgment. I didn't meant to come here at all, really. I answered the question that was put to me with what I believe. I think that I have more important things to do than comment on what other people do in the bedroom."

He fingered the collar. "No," he replied, still trying to be polite. "It means that I'm a member of the clergy."

[bowchickamaou.livejournal.com]

Yuuri waved his hands, alarmed. "No, no, don't let anyone take your coffee money away from you! That's like letting the bullies win!"

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

He was surprised by Yuuri's alarm, and took a quick glance at the application to make sure he hadn't misread anything. "It says to offer a bribe," McKenna said. "I don't have much else to part with. Besides, coffee suddenly isn't very high on my list of priorities."

[nerdsexgoddess.livejournal.com]

"Chastity?" Amaranth asked with a laugh. "I'm sure it works for you--you kind of remind me of my friend Delia Daella and she was all about the chastity--but I still maintain that hedonism is much more relaxing and fun! You should try it sometime."

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

There was a pause, and anyone in the room could swear they heard mental gears grinding as McKenna realized that he was face-to-face with a very naked woman. He couldn't well ask her to put clothes on, and he'd offer his half-cape, but it would only go so far. Closing his eyes meant that he couldn't see what else was going on in the room, so for lack of a better option, he turned his back to her.

"I... I didn't take a vow of chastity because it was more relaxing than hedonism." Self-denial... hmm, could be kinky. "It's part of being closer to God."

[hungry-noteyes.livejournal.com]

"Bizarre little questionaire, isn't it?" asks Corinthian cheerfully. "And damn useless, as far as I'm concerned."

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

"Is is," McKenna said. "Although, the mix of practical and theoretical questions might be designed to give some insight into the answerer's psychology." He gave a brief shrug. "I suppose I'm not doing very well."

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

"Why don't you want to answer the sexual harassment question?"

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

"Why would I want to plan out how I would commit a sin?" the priest answered calmly.

[carri3-whit3.livejournal.com]

Carrie frowned, stuck at the second question.

"What if you've got lots of people who've done you lots of wrongs?"

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

He gave the question some thought. "I think, conceptually, my answer would be the same, although I know how hard it is to forgive just one person, never mind several. That's why Jesus forgives us, as well. We all fail when trying to live up to him. It's part of the human condition."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"You're not supposed to be drinking coffee. What would Joseph Smith say?"

The Hat had gotten its Muggle religions mixed up. However, the Hat was also constitutionally incapable of understanding or admitting it was ever mistaken; to correct it might just take a miracle.

[patrick-mckenna.livejournal.com]

"I imagine that Joseph Smith wouldn't be too concerned, given that I'm not Mormon." Surprised by a talking hat? Oh yes.

Ravenclaw!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Ravenclaw!