Application: Geek Love Miranda Barker/ Binewski

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

This is not a strip-club.
She'd been meaning to pop into the dressing room and do a quick change. Instead she came out into the Sorting room wearing a green dress and elaborate makeup.
"Hello, hello, oh, hell!"
Life had taken a turn of the soap-opera kind lately, with the death of her alleged mother and all. Now she was walking into strange rooms.

A lone paper lay on the desk in front of her.


1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"What? I don't care. Any cheese. I don't get the fancy gourmet kinds- poor art student, after all."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"I don't kill. And I certainly don't care that much about either the commedian or the unfortunate in the dinosaur costume." She paused thoughtfully. "Carrottop has interesting eyebrows, though. Could be botched plastic surgery."

3. What time is it where you are?

"Night- I was just about to go back out there and- oh, nevermind." she groaned.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"I don't harass people. There are rules against that. I certainly don't pretend to be any old man to stalk people. If anyone in this 'Order of the Phoenix' caught my eye, I might ask them to sit for a portrait, but that's all."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"You've got the wrong person. I'm not a bartender at all. I'm a dancer at the Glass House -which is apparently someones idea of wit."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

"Telling people how to run their lives isn't my thing. I understand some people get a kick out of it, but I could care less. Whatever Harry wants, he'll have to figure it out for himself."

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"I've arranged my life to avoid as much paperwork as possible. You obviously haven't."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

"Oh, that's low. Just because I dance...I'm going to be a medical illustrator and I took care of Chry-my gra- an old woman until she died. I have a right to be here, the same as you."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"Well, I could do a portrait for you, though I prefer subjects with diseases, deformities, things that would go in a medical textbook. I'd offer a dance, but I only do that at the club, not for kidnappers." The word sounded silly even as she said it, but what else could this be? "Good luck getting any money for me." She folded her arms and snorted.

"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. __Miranda Barker__________
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. __Miranda Barker_________.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. _Miranda Barker__________.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. _Miranda Barker____________"

Comments

[hopalongmcgurk.livejournal.com]

I pride myself on being self-possessed. I have to be, because who the fuck do I have to lean on if I should decide to have a nervous breakdown?


Which is what I feel like having when I see the applicant. I stand in the doorway, my mouth hanging open for what feels like an extremely long time. I think a gasp even escapes me, be cause all I can do is stare at her--Miranda, my beautiful girl, looking so cool and self-possessed--and pissed off, but, hell, that's to be expected.

"Miranda..." The voice of Hopalong McGurk, the story lady, renouned for its resonance, clarity and pleasantness, is barely a croak.


Then more words come, rushing out of me in a torrent. "Oh God... You got my papers. Tell me you didn't get the surgery done. Please."

Jesus Christ, could I possibly be more spastic, or less maternal?

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

Oh. It's number twenty-one. The old albino hunchback lady. My mom. Well all the facts point to that, if I could bring myself to believe it.

"You're dead."

Miranda was just as articulate as Oly.

"Surgery? How could I? The woman's dead." Her voice comes out flat.

[hopalongmcgurk.livejournal.com]

"Yeah, well, I got better," I respond dryly. This is shaping up to be one of the longer conversations Miranda and I are going to have, I just know it.

At her comment about the surgery, I find myself smiling. It's not a very nice smile, but it's a smile nonetheless. "Good." I say, with great feeling. "And good riddance to that bitch anyway." Except I know I don't mean it. Fucking Mary Lick still weighs on my conscience moe than I would ever admit to anybody.

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

"Those notes- I mean" (how the hell do I explain this?)
"Mary was a grade-A weirdo, but I gather she didn't have anything more horrific than the surgery scheduled for me. I mean, yeah knowing about the surgery and all I wouldn't want her working on me...

Miranda runs out of steam briefly.

"And you expected me to swallow all that, I mean 'Please note that cremation is a family traditon'? Really?

[nerdsexgoddess.livejournal.com]

Contrary to popular belief, Amaranth did not actually cruise the sorting room looking to get laid. It was nice when that happened, but it really was possible for her to have a reasonably intelligent conversation with someone without resorting to double--or even single--entendres.

"I'm sorry I can't provide any diseases or deformities," she said with utmost sincerity. "I heal really fast, so, you know, nothing really stays deformed. But I'd love for you to do my portrait anyway."

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

Miranda looked her up and down. "You just came from the Glass House too?" Her voice was urgent. Please say yes. Please explain. Somebody please explain something!

[nerdsexgoddess.livejournal.com]

"No, the kitchen, actually," Amaranth said. "I try to get down there to service the house elves once a week or so, and the Sorting Room was on my way back to Hufflepuff." As explanations went, that one more or less failed entirely.

[omg-sunflora.livejournal.com]

"You can dance?" Sunflora beamed. "I can dance too!"

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

I wonder if Chrystal Lil ever saw dancing flowers?

Maybe if she ignored it it would go away.

[omg-sunflora.livejournal.com]

Sunflora tilted her head. "Did I say something wrong?"

[blond-bondshell.livejournal.com]

"Hell?" Bond said, echoing Miranda's words on her arrival. "I'd say you just made this place positively heaven." Not everyone came to their sorting dressed liked that.

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

"Oh." Miranda unconsciously smoothed her hair. "Thank you- although I don't normally find myself in strange rooms."

[blond-bondshell.livejournal.com]

"There's nothing normal about this place," he said, "so don't expect anything to happen like it normally does. However, you haven't been kidnapped, you aren't likely to come to harm, and, I would certainly not call you useless."

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

Baron Vladimir Harkonnen floated into the Sorting Room, literally, due to the gravity-nullifying suspensors beneath his robes. It seemed a place to meet interesting people, and was something to pass the time. He looked over the application, deciding that at least the applicant seemed sane enough, even if she appeared to be an artistically-inclined courtesan. Those at least were familiar, unlike some of the weird things around Hogwarts, and her artistic interests sounded intriguing at least.

He floated over to Miranda, and gave her a polite smile as he asked, "So you're an artist? Were you lucky enough to bring your portfolio, or were you just randomly transported from your. . .studio?" A sardonic note on the word 'studio' suggested that he didn't believe Miranda had been painting at the time, but he didn't sound like he cared about that detail, either.

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

Miranda noted the sarcasm. Oh, this sounded like one smug bastard. Nevermind the floating for now...

"Sadly, no. I was about to go onstage."

Miranda studied his face, the lines of his jowls. He looks like the news vendor down the street. Been there, drawn that.

[i-am-harkonnen.livejournal.com]

The Baron sighed. "Ah well- I was in fact hoping to see. Your artistic interests sound as if they're a bit different from most, which could be refreshing. I'm fond of art." He considered a moment, and added, "Although, you're probably stuck here now. Haven't heard of a way to leave this place yet. This means you're likely to find the time to work on a new one, so perhaps I'll get to see eventually."

[j-whitlock.livejournal.com]

As Jasper read over the woman's application, he smiled faintly as he reached the part about one day being a medical illustrator. Something his adoptive father might be interested in... He idly wondered if Carlisle would appreciate that sort of 'art'. Might find it amusing, at the very least, as a gift.

"Medical illustration is an interesting profession," he said in a tone suggesting he was being sincere, and not grasping after lame pick-up lines. His wedding band may also be worth noting in that regard. "And if there's an abductor here, I'm afraid it'd be the school itself. That's somehow what's responsible for bringing people here against their will."

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

"It is, although I'm told mine are too expressive. 'You draw like a serial killer' one of my professors told me." She gave a short laugh.

"I'm suspicious as hell about this school, but nobody seems to know what's actually going on, you know."

[iam-beowulf.livejournal.com]

Because the mun is lacking in brain today, Beowulf came charging into the Sorting Room, togged out as usual: leather briefs under a Hogwarts robe that was incapable of fastening over his broad chest; Gryffindor tie knotted about his brow.

"WHERE IS THE GLASS HOUSE?" he wanted to know. There were stories about places like that!

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

"It's off Vista Stree..." Miranda began automatically and then stared.
"You aren't with the circus, are you?" Her eyes became narrow and suspicious.

[iam-beowulf.livejournal.com]

"ARE YOU CALLING ME A ROMAN?" Beowulf bristled. He had heard about bread and circuses!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"You wouldn't even do a dance for a kindly and wise Hat?" The Sorting Hat sounded saddened by this.

[miranda-bnewski.livejournal.com]

"Ah? Que?"
It was just lucky she'd already met the sunflower. To appease the miserable-sounding hat, she waved her hands in the air like she just didn't care. "There-a little dance."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Is that what you do for money?" Appalling!

Gryffindor!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Gryffindor!