open to all: STRONG BAD E-MAIL?! Yes! compy lab open for biznass!

[sbisawesome.livejournal.com]

Strong Bad had finally realized what the visions in Divination class meant.

The ghost that Naomi Misora saw was actually meant for him, Strong Bad! It was not the ghost of rotten Chinese food at all, because that had never really been a ghost, only a terrible stench resembling a ghost! The real ghost of Strong Badia had been the ghost of Strong Bad's old computer.

Upon making this realization, Strong Bad cried like a baby. He went through two boxes of off-brand wizarding kleenex. Eventually the kleenex banded together into a crazy kleenex golem and Strong Bad had to stop crying so he could take up arms and destroy it! No, wait, that was all just a crazy dream. What really happened was that he fell asleep sniffling.

And awoke ... with a grand vision.

He needed to start answering e-mails again.

Owls were right out. Who ever heard of Strong Bad OwlMails? Most people at Hogwarts didn't have computers, though. The ones who did would probably just send him stupid questions about Linux or something, and that just wasn't worth the trouble. Strong Bad needed to bring Compys to the masses, so they could send him questions and he could make fun of their punctuation and spelling, just like in the olden days. (Not to be confused with the old-timey days!

Many feverish capers later, an old vacant classroom had become a veritable wonderland of technology, masterminded by ol' Cool Cool Glasses himself. Yes, there were no fewer than six desks, each of them graced with no fewer than one genuine Compy 386! There was also a desk in the corner for ye olde sysop Strong Bad, equipped with his trusty Corpy NT6 or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

The compys shared an internal network. People could use them to communicate with each other on a proprietary and private newsgroup which Strong Bad had kludged together using his superior skills of technology. He was especially proud of the interface! Since he knew most Hogwartsians were not accustomed to such fine and advanced technology, he had made the template for posts resemble sticky notes. People were used to taping or tacking notes onto fliers at Hogwarts, so maybe a computerized version wouldn't stretch their imaginations too far, Strong Bad reasoned. They just had to ... learn how to type. On QWERTY keyboards. A real post-it had been stuck to each Compy's monitor: DO NOT WRITE ON THE SCREEN.

On each desk was taped a piece of dot-matrix printer paper, a printout listing user commands. At the bottom, Strong Bad's new e-mail address was given in bold:

SBEmail@DaWart.edu

along with an encouragement to e-mail him WITH ANY QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE.

The door of the lab had its own special sign:





(( Yes, this is a computer lab the characters can use! Inspired by some group noodling about a Hogwarts Craigslist. As has always been the rule regarding computers at Hogwarts, characters cannot use this to wiki or google one another's canons. Anything that would break the fourth wall is prevented by Hogwarts magic, yo. To lessen the temptation, I've made the computers connect only to one another, not to the World Wide Web, but I know some of y'all have chars who are hackers or awesome wizards or whatever, so if you ~enhance~ the computers, just remember this can't be used for brainbreaky fourth-wallage, k?

Also, all the technology is totally made up and illogical by real world standards. If you have any suggestions to make this totally illogical technology slightly more sensical within such illogical boundaries, OOC-note away!

Postings to the computer network should be tagged with the tag "compy post".))

Comments

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

I ALWAYS DO, BB

PVC K?

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

K K

Safety word = Justin Guarini

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

HOW CAN U SAY IT WEN UR GAGGED?

IM W8ING...

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

I HAVE DEM0N MAGIC. I MAKE PPL PEE ORANGE SODA. SO I CAN DO THAT.

COME FIND ME. U NO IT IZ ME CAUSE I HAVE A FAKE GOATEE AND CAMERA MAN AND AM A-HOLE.

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Bitch, you do not have demon magic. If you did, I'd know.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

Maybe not, K? But the dude I'm being a fairy godfather for does. I know, cause he's an a-hole who uses it to fuck with me and my friend.

BUT!

We are also totally cool and I decided to do a nice thing like posting his kinks on every newsgroup ever for a @};- SURPRISE CHOKE! -;)@ He'd love a surprise choke. I just like surprise coke, honestly, unless I'm pissing it.

Coke as in soft drink, not the drugs.

Your body's a temple!

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Jesus fucking Christ. Just do it yourself and tape it for later.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

NO EFFING WAY. He sent me to DINOSAUR TIMEZ and I was hungry so I took an egg and I was chased by a MOMMY DINO and the EGG BIT ME!

AND OUR RELATIONSHIP IS TOTES PLATONIC. BECAUSE HE IS A CREEPY D!CKFACE BUTTMUNCH. WOULDN'T WORK OUT.

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

The word is 'fucking'.

In both contexts.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

I CAN EFFING SAY FUCK IF I WANNABE SOUTH PARK. I CAN BE SOUTH PARK. BUT I AIN'T TEN IT'S NOT EFFING SHOCKING ANYMORE, KAY?

EFFING IS WHAT I FUCKING SAY I DON'T BUG YOU ABOUT YOUR CONTEXTS AND TYPING LETTERS WITH NUMBERS WHICH MY GENERATION EFFING INVENTED, K!?

NO ONE EFFING KNEW WHO THEY WERE BEFORE 5IVE AND SE7EN

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Embrace your latent gayness, you disgusting queer.

Ew, a homosexual! Maia resolves not to reply anymore; it might rub off on her!

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

Oh honey, it's not latent. It's all over the effing place. But I still wouldn't touch David Effing Blaine except with a baseball bat.

Look around! Sulu got married, and Ellen has the hottest wife on the planet.

We WON the game.

...OMGILOSTTHEGAMESHIT :(

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

((DAMN YOU))

Oh, gross, gross, gross! Maia looks at the message in absolute horror, bites back bile, and types;

Yes, I've heard what your sort do with baseball bats. Pervert.

This from someone who is really too kinky to torture.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

HOLY SHIT! WHAT KINDA J COMIX HAVE YOU BEEN READING?

CAUSE I JUST USED THEM FOR T-BALL AND NOW I KEEP ONE BY THE BED TO WARD OFF BURGLARS BECAUSE I LIVE ON THE FIRST FLOOR AND DUN WANNA BE BURGLED.

GIRLS! STEP AWAY FROM J COMIX AND FAN FIC!

ITZ MAKING U WEIRD! :0

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Reading fiction rots your brain. And apparently too much of it can turn you into a gaylord.

All this stuff about fairytale endings...well, it's frankly bollocks.

And all the stuff about demons living for chaos, too, but we'll leave the SRS out of it. In a message that contains the slang phrase 'gaylord', seriousness ought to be discouraged.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

HONEY EVERYTHING I READ IS REAL STUFF WITH REAL CONSEQUENCE. LIKE THE BLOGS AND US AND PEOPLE AND SHIT. LOOK AT THE FACE OF SHILOH AND TELL ME THAT SHE IS NOT TRUTH!!!

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

You like kids too? Let's swap recipes.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

O M G. U R LIKE FROM THOSE PLACES WHERE, LIKE, THEY TEACH KIDS NOTHING BOUT SEX AND THEN THE KIDS HAVE KIDS BECAUSE THEY DUN KNOW HOW THE HELL IT HAPPENED THEY WERE JUST KISSIN' AND HUGGING' AND BEING COMPLETELY HETERO FOR GOD'S LUV AND NOW SHE'S SUDDENLY IN ON MONTEL GOING WHATEVA WHATEVA I DO WHAT I WANT!!!!

K. WHEN A MOMMY AND A DADDY LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH THEY HAVE INTERCOURSE. THAT'S THE RECIPE FOR BABEEZ. OR U CAN ADOPT FROM, LIKE, VENEZUELA OR SOMETHING AND CALL HIM DAXO

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Oh please. I'm not from Land of the Morons.. We don't have any of that crap here.

Sex can also occur without love. It can happen because of money, lust, or because of a job.

And babies taste really nice.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

OMG UR SO HARDCORE!!!

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

I KNOW, RIGHT? And everyone's like, Maia, you're such a bitch, back home, and I'm like yeah, I know, and I got all the juicy jobs and shit after my first mission because hey, I KILLED A GIRL AND I LIKED IT

About as hardcore as you are soft, babe.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

THEY SHOULD SHOOT U INTO AN ASTEROID SO U CAN SAVE THE EFFING PLANET!!!

Oh, Evan had missed this. Internet arguments. Win or lose, you're still... what was it again? Internet arguments: win or lose, you're still well-regarded!

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

This is Maia's first internet flame-war! He's winning, because he is pressing all of her buttons.

Mention 'saving' anything once more and I'll send you a virus that will make you regard your status as a poof with the clarity you ought to.

She totally can, too. Of course, if she does, the Owl will be smoking and blue. Like 'here there be dragons'.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

And Evan normally won his flame wars because what he had was the determination of a hamster trying to grab the nibblet despite shock after shock after ok now that's just animal cruelty. Because Evan had spunk. Evan had courage. Evan obviously had no sense of self-preservation or even, yeah, a memory beyond that of a goldfish. Because despite watching David Blaine go back in time, and being sent back in time himself, or facing various hazards like vomiting orange soda or getting teleported up trees or getting Hillary Clinton haircuts, he still scoffed in David Blaine's face with each threat.

'Oh, what? What you gonna do? Fine, I chose the Ace of Clubs. Big whoop, so what? Easy! Easy!'

No matter how many times the Ace of Clubs was translocated up his own ass, Evan retained his incredulity, if not his dignity.

He put this attitude towards most aspects of his life, including shopping trips, clubbing, and flame wars. And after the Ring of Fire which was David Blaine picking on him for NO GOOD REASON, he didn't have many weak points left. Besides, most bitches went straight for the 'fag' thing anyway, which was something he dealt with in high school OMG PPL DUH NOT NEW TO HIM.

OMG, 'POOF' OF CLARITY! IS THAT, LIKE, THE GAY ORACLE FROM THE GAY MATRIX? BECAUSE I WOULD SO WATCH THAT; KEANU IS ADORABLE ESP. WHEN HE TRIES TO ACT. AND HE TRIES SO HARD. BTW, VIRUS THREAT IS SOOO 90S, AND WE'RE IN AN EFFING COMP LAB ANYWAYS SO WHAT?

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Maia has...a job that basically means sending people freeze-dried misery and helplessness. You can't do that for as long as she has without sinking into immaturity. Hence she is NOT GIVING UP.

So her virus is sent through the system. Should he click on the link, he will be filled with dread, upset, grief, emo, and a really bad taste in his mouth that won't go away. The emo isn't even the fun kind where you write bad poetry and guitar riffs.

Hence, Maia flicks two fingers up at the screen, and sends a Twat, hyperlinked.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

WASN'T THERE A WHOLE THING HERE ABOUT HOW I DON'T GO FOR THAT? GAWD!

[hellminxmel.livejournal.com]

Oh, he will pay. Somehow...someday...and maybe when she finds out his email address she'll sign him up for Neopets and other annoying things.

[effing-eff.livejournal.com]

Sadly, if the hyperlinked have said anything else, like "Oh Yeah?" or "Take This" or "Pick a Card", Evan would have clicked it. Because it would be proving a point. The point being, 'Oh, you think you're so tough, just because you can set a bear trap? Well, just watch! I'll put my hand in the bear trap, and set it off, and I'll lose my hand but I'd still be alive so big whoop and it just proves you're a dumb jerk anyways!'

But due to the name of the link, Evan was making a point by not clicking it. Not the point of "I'm too mature to stoop to your level" (Evan was SO for stooping), but "Nuh uh. Girl parts are yucky."