Hedwig Robinson, "Hedwig and the Angry Inch"

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

A slender, slightly-built woman staggered into the Sorting Room on high-heeled boots, emerging from a cloud of smoke, the kind a fog machine might make, stage-smoke. Wild eyes peered from garish pools of makeup, darting confused glances here and there. Hedwig Robinson tugged at the hems of her cutoffs and smoothed sweaty palms along her gleaming stockinged thighs.

She answered the questions in a voice somehow gravelly and clear at once, flavored with a pronounced East German accent. The questions seemed to amuse her. Everything seemed to amuse her, in a sort of bitter way.



1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"My favorite cheese? My favorite cheese is Cher." Hedwig broke into song, pointedly. "Do you believe in life after love?"

She quieted, and resumed in a speaking voice: "Well, do you?"

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"Oh, honey, what is it they say? 'Knock 'em dead?' If I had Barney or Carrottop in an audience at one of my shows, I'd give them each a car wash, how's that?" Candy-apple lips curled in a wicked smile.

3. What time is it where you are?

The wickedness drained abruptly from that smile, and then the smile itself drained from her face. "Too late," said Hedwig, shortly. "That's what time it is."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"So many men, so little time, they've got a backlog beyond the grave and have to come back for more? Well. If I were in the Order of the Phoenix --" she declaimed the name dramatically -- "I would harass the longest member out of the lot. Whip out the measuring tape, boys."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"The Wall." The Berlin Wall, of course, she meant; but just as a playful homage of another kind, she added insouciantly: "You're just another brick in it."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Hedwig toyed with a long lock of artificial flaxen hair. "Harry should search for his other half. The man or woman who'll make him whole. The one who would have been the other half of his being before the gods cruelly separated us from ourselves. Is it Fred? Is it George? Is it someone he's never met? Once he finds that someone, he shouldn't let them go."

Her eyes glistened.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

An impatient red-taloned hand waved the question away. "That's what managers are for."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Hedwig drew herself up to her full height, more impressive thanks to the boots, clearly offended by the question. "Useless? Me, Hedwig Robinson, star of stage and -- stage, useless? I wrote a number of chart-topping songs. The fact the versions on the charts aren't sung by me is irrelevant. Tommy Gnosis stole those songs from me, every one of them." Incensed, she seemed on the verge of spitting. "Now that we're on the covers of the tabloids, now people want to know about me. But I was behind it all, all along."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Hedwig blinked long, long mascaraed lashes, as false as her hair. "What do you want from me? Some of this?" She smacked her ass. "Some of this?" She tossed a lock of hair over her shoulder. "I'll tell you what, honey. I'll give you an I.O.U. One song, one makeover, or one kiss. Your choice."



I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. HR
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. HR.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. HR.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. HR

Comments

[miss-bunny-swan.livejournal.com]

Miss Swan understood Hedwig's meaning perfectly. She always understood these things, but it was far too boring to let people know that.

As such, she stared at Hedwig and replied indignantly in a whiny, high-pitched voice, "Swan not kitchen appliances! Only pot Swan doing is the good stuff!"

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

Hedwig perked up. "That man over there with the fabulous eye makeup was just saying something about the good stuff. That we're in a magic castle --" she splayed her fingers in 'jazz hands' and fluttered them about to indicate woo-woo sparkly magic -- "and it'll give us what we want. Is that true?"

[miss-bunny-swan.livejournal.com]

"Ohhhh, yuhhhhh, it give us what we want," Miss Swan said knowingly, bobbing her head around and rapidly winking one eye at Hedwig. "Castle give Swan ah-Derek and his sexy love bumps and long, hard eyestalk!"

Then she glanced over until her eyes fell upon the guy Hedwig must have been referring to (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/1350170.html?thread=68541466#t68541466). "Yuhhhh, dat one look like a man," she said agreeably. Oh, yes, Jack Sparrow was all man, eye makeup and all. If Miss Swan hadn't been addicted to the Dalek's supercharged vibrations, she would so have hit that.

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

"He certainly does," Hedwig agreed, very wink-wink-nudge-nudge. "So tell me about these sexy love bumps."

[miss-bunny-swan.livejournal.com]

Miss Swan would not miss an opportunity to talk about her lover's assets. "They big and round and metal, and they giving Swan the shakey-shakes, ooooooooooh!" she squeed excitedly. "Ah-Derek, he a tricky dicky and a big love machine!"

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

"Mmmm. Sounds like you're one lucky woman." Hedwig gave Swan a knowing, wicked smile. "This Derek must really be something."

[miss-bunny-swan.livejournal.com]

"Yuhhh, he many ting...many ting," Miss Swan agreed in a low, naughty voice, fluttering her eyelid again.

Then, abruptly, she stopped. "You very nice lady. Swan voting you to Sparklypoopoo House. Maybe you want to help Swan with Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon 2 and phone sexyline business?"

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

Hedwig would probably not be the ideal employee for a phone sexyline business. Her voice, while far from deep, did not exactly scream 'hot chick.' Unseen, she could perhaps pass for a German woman who had spent many many years chain-smoking.

A gorgeous pretty beauty nail salon, however, sounded right up her alley. Hedwig was all about glamour!

"I do know my sparkly poo poo."