Hedwig Robinson, "Hedwig and the Angry Inch"

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

A slender, slightly-built woman staggered into the Sorting Room on high-heeled boots, emerging from a cloud of smoke, the kind a fog machine might make, stage-smoke. Wild eyes peered from garish pools of makeup, darting confused glances here and there. Hedwig Robinson tugged at the hems of her cutoffs and smoothed sweaty palms along her gleaming stockinged thighs.

She answered the questions in a voice somehow gravelly and clear at once, flavored with a pronounced East German accent. The questions seemed to amuse her. Everything seemed to amuse her, in a sort of bitter way.



1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"My favorite cheese? My favorite cheese is Cher." Hedwig broke into song, pointedly. "Do you believe in life after love?"

She quieted, and resumed in a speaking voice: "Well, do you?"

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

"Oh, honey, what is it they say? 'Knock 'em dead?' If I had Barney or Carrottop in an audience at one of my shows, I'd give them each a car wash, how's that?" Candy-apple lips curled in a wicked smile.

3. What time is it where you are?

The wickedness drained abruptly from that smile, and then the smile itself drained from her face. "Too late," said Hedwig, shortly. "That's what time it is."

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

"So many men, so little time, they've got a backlog beyond the grave and have to come back for more? Well. If I were in the Order of the Phoenix --" she declaimed the name dramatically -- "I would harass the longest member out of the lot. Whip out the measuring tape, boys."

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"The Wall." The Berlin Wall, of course, she meant; but just as a playful homage of another kind, she added insouciantly: "You're just another brick in it."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Hedwig toyed with a long lock of artificial flaxen hair. "Harry should search for his other half. The man or woman who'll make him whole. The one who would have been the other half of his being before the gods cruelly separated us from ourselves. Is it Fred? Is it George? Is it someone he's never met? Once he finds that someone, he shouldn't let them go."

Her eyes glistened.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

An impatient red-taloned hand waved the question away. "That's what managers are for."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Hedwig drew herself up to her full height, more impressive thanks to the boots, clearly offended by the question. "Useless? Me, Hedwig Robinson, star of stage and -- stage, useless? I wrote a number of chart-topping songs. The fact the versions on the charts aren't sung by me is irrelevant. Tommy Gnosis stole those songs from me, every one of them." Incensed, she seemed on the verge of spitting. "Now that we're on the covers of the tabloids, now people want to know about me. But I was behind it all, all along."

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

Hedwig blinked long, long mascaraed lashes, as false as her hair. "What do you want from me? Some of this?" She smacked her ass. "Some of this?" She tossed a lock of hair over her shoulder. "I'll tell you what, honey. I'll give you an I.O.U. One song, one makeover, or one kiss. Your choice."



I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. HR
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. HR.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. HR.
One day, marmalade will rule the world. HR

Comments

[nicknamegirl.livejournal.com]

((*fangirls MADLY* She is perfect!))

"You sing?" Lola smiled a bit. "Neat! We could sing together some time. Or if you're offering makeovers... I haven't had one in a while. It could be fun!"

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

(( Oh, I'm so glad! She's hard to nail. Well, Hedwig wouldn't say she's hard to nail... ))


"Sing? Oh, I sing, all right. I'll never be silenced," she declared with bravado. "I could use a backup singer. Someone with whom to harmonize." Yitzhak apparently hadn't followed her to .. wherever this was.

Hedwig sized up the girl. Pretty, enthusiastic, didn't seem about to ask Hedwig whether she had accepted Jesus Christ as her personal lord and savior -- she hoped. When was the last time someone was genuinely friendly to Hedwig, who didn't want something from her?

"You have lovely natural hair," she said. "We could tease that into something truly formidable."

[lady-h3ath3r.livejournal.com]

Charmed, Lady Heather gave a half-smile at Hedwig's application.

"I'll take the kiss, if you don't mind," she purred.

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

Hedwig wasn't used to that kind of attention from women, especially women like this one, who carried herself rather like Hedwig's Mutti. A little suspicious, but game, she steadied herself and with a few long strides had closed in.

"Give me some sugar," she cooed.

She was mindful of the woman's hands. She'd be ready to dodge if claws went for her eyes!

[anythingawesome.livejournal.com]

"Oh. My. Gosh." Right then, Kelly was the epitome of the word 'squee'. It came off of her in high-pitched, lip-glossed waves. "You are fabulous."

Finally, someone was bringing the sparkle!

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

Hedwig was all about the high pitch and the lip gloss. "Why, thank you, darling," she said, pleased. "Fabulous is as fabulous does."

[endless-del.livejournal.com]

((Repost because I can close my tags, really))

Delirium watched Hedwig, curious. ". ," she said, with an almost childlike grin. " ?"

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

"Cher is the cheese that never stands alone," Hedwig shot back.

[twoyearsmissing.livejournal.com]

Jack liked the Gryffindor answer, well specificially the finding someone and not letting them go. He gave a big grin as he offered a hand. "Cap'n Jack Harkness. Where'd you want go then, don't have to bribe me."

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

"So nice to meet you, Captain. I always have had a weakness for men in uniform." Hedwig took the offered hand and shook it limply. "Where do I want to go? To the top, baby. Where I am going is a different story. I'm getting there in a handbasket."

[wrinklesintime.livejournal.com]

"What if you're not our type, we don't particularly find ourselves shallow and materialistic enough to care about a makeover, and find most modern music virtually unlistenable?" Meg asked. Yes, that was definitely a case of adolescent moodiness she had going, and someone really ought to introduce Meg to music that did not involve Dethklok.

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

Hedwig sneered. "Then run along home and listen to your Baby Mozart (http://www.rhino.com/store/ProductDetail.lasso?Number=72950) records."

[fabernathy.livejournal.com]

"I like your cheese answer," remarked Francis, having wandered over from his own app. "Cher is pretty cheesy. As for life after love, you know, I'm not sure that I do." He did not choose to elaborate.

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

"I'm partial to her Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves phase," Hedwig commented, studying her fingernails idly and trying not to eye the tall redheaded drink of water too blatantly.

[parlulilaloo.livejournal.com]

Well. Clearly, she had heard of Singapore.

"You don't see entertainment like this anymore," Jack commented in a voice that sounded somewhere between vaguely impressed and disgusted. It was hard to tell with Jack, really, but then it was later in the night and, well, he was bound to be some form of intoxicated. "Love the stockings, love."

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

(( The eyeliner! The hair! The sashaying and weaving around! The melodramatic self-importance! Hedwig Robinson and Jack Sparrow: separated at birth?! ))

"They're nothing," Hedwig replied, thinly drawn eyebrows lifting to achieve a steeper arch. "Some kind of polyester blend. What I wouldn't give for a real silk stocking!"

[sangoire-cloak.livejournal.com]

"Do you believe that all of us have this "other half"?" Phedre asked. "It seems unkind to believe that there is only one out there who could make us each happy and whole. Those are painful odds."

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

Hedwig arched a thin painted brow. "Of course they are painful odds. It was a punishment. That is how the story goes."

[the-office-pam.livejournal.com]

Pam laughed, long and almost sighlike. "It's managers that create all that paperwork when they procrastinate and refuse to do any work until two hours after the deadline. And then they expect the receptionist to clear it all up." Her lips dipped into a small smile, but the look in her eyes suggested that the point hit very close to home.

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

"I think we may be talking about two different kinds of manager, darling," said Hedwig, who'd pried open her battered makeup case and was rummaging for a compact mirror.

[miss-bunny-swan.livejournal.com]

Miss Swan waddled up to Hedwig, her eyes slowly going up Hedwig's body and then back down again in a very critical sort of fashion. Then she straight into Hedwig's face and said what anyone would expect Miss Swan to say in an occasion like this.

"Yoooooouuuuuuu...have funny accent."

Or maybe not.

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

"Said the pot to the kettle," drawled Hedwig, doing her best impression of an American, the consonants still German-crisp.

[chas-macaulay.livejournal.com]

Charles looked the new arrival up and down and surpressed a shiver.

"I'm afraid to even ask. Buuuuut, morbid curiosity compels me. What is a car wash? In D-list celebrity context, I mean."

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

Hedwig looked the blond man up and down. "A car wash? It involves a skirt with lots of fringe sewn onto the hem," she said, sounding more nonchalant than she actually felt. She didn't get good vibes from this one. Hedwig had spent months on an army base in Kansas living off what she playfully (if bitterly) termed 'odd jobs -- mainly the jobs we call blow'. To save her skin she'd had to acquire a sense of which men were comfortable with their own wishes to walk on the wild side.

[kill-voldemort.livejournal.com]

One might think the sight of a transgendered person might be a bit odd for Harry, as he had essentially grown up in an Edward Scissorhands-esque suburbia; however, the people in the wizarding world were far weirder than a girl who looked like she is or was a bloke.

Nonchalantly, he approached Hedwig. "I've never met an actual person named Hedwig before. Just my owl, and I chose her name from some random person mentioned in A History of Magic."

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

"Hedwig was my mother's name," Hedwig explained to the nice boy. "Hedwig Schmidt. When I left East Germany, she gave me her passport and her name. Also, she was not an owl, if that is what you were wondering."

Vote: Sparklypoo

[charlesofdensen.livejournal.com]

Ofdensen stared. Then stared some more.

Then cast his vote silently and walked away.

Re: Vote: Sparklypoo

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

Hedwig shrugged and spat. "Thank you, please pull around to the second window," she called, irritated.

[tomatohacker.livejournal.com]

"Hedwig is a funny name! So is Ed!"

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

"Why, thank you," said Hedwig sourly.

[hot-german.livejournal.com]

Is there any kind of cheese better than Cher? Dieter asked in German. Hers is definitely the type that has been aged to perfection. The tennis player, in his ever-present fluffy towel, was happy to find someone to talk to in his native language.

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

<Aged to perfection with a flawless rind,> Hedwig enthused in the same tongue. <You haven't got a half-bad rind yourself.>

[crazynotstoned.livejournal.com]

Really, he didn't mean to keep coming here. It always just sort of happened. And honestly, he didn't really like dealing with this sort of beauracracy, even if it came in the form of magic and a talking hat, but there was something oddly... captivating, about the new applicant.

It might have been her glittery eyeshadow. Or the voice, which positively screamed 'theatrics.'

So Geoffrey stayed, and he listened to her answers, chewing his lip, arms folded tight. When she was done, he had only one question: "You don't do musicals, do you?"

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

Hedwig's lip curled in something half smile and half incredulous scoff. "Honey, it doesn't get much more musical than this."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

"Oh dear, I certainly couldn't use any of that," the Hat said, miming ass-smacking with one strap. "Or that," it said, making the best approximation of a hair-toss that a Hat can. "I'll take the makeover. What are your credentials? And how much glitter would be too much for a Hat with my complexion?"

[hedwigrobinson.livejournal.com]

"I am my own credentials," Hedwig shot back. "And darling, there's no such thing as too much glitter."

Sparklypoo!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Sparklypoo!