Pollution (Good Omens)

[befouled.livejournal.com]

It wasn't so much his new environment that confused him as it was the test he had to take to remain there. Pollution had never taken a written test before, much less ever had a need for one... but, he thought to himself, there must be a time and a place for everything.

The questions didn't seem the least bit difficult. In fact, he was surprised they weren't just some practical joke. But the test wasn't going to do itself; he could feel the once polished wood of the table on which the exams rested start to rot and crack in response to his arrival. Best get to it, then.

After giving the questions a brief once-over, the Horseman put his pen to the paper and began to write. (But not before leaving a rather satisfying ink blot on the paper, of course.)

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"The moldy kind, if I had to choose. Cheese is (unfortunately) good for a person. But I hardly see why it matters; I don't care much for food... unless it comes in a styrofoam container."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Pollution shrugged a careless shoulder, stirring up a cloud of dust in the process. "Death is hardly my realm... but with names like those , I'm sure War would be happy to dispose of them for you."

3. What time is it where you are?

He looked up and around, quickly, before scribbling out his reply.

"If you're going to ask, you ought to have put a clock in this room ... shouldn't you know the answer?"

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

... whoever they were. Pollution puzzled at the question for far longer than was necessary, ink dripping from his pen all the while.

Finally, he settled on: "... which is more likely to result in sexually transmitted disease?"

Of course, illness wasn't his forte, either; that was the realm of his predecessor, Pestilence. That man was disease itself. Perfection in the shape of the Plague. Pollution's eyes gleamed with an almost unsettling reverence.

Back at the rotting table, one of the legs threatened to give way.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"... I never thought of a bar," he admitted. With the admission came an eerie smile and another loud cracking noise. Wit had gone completely overlooked, in favor of the new possibilities stirring in his head. "I suppose that would be as good a place as any to infest... inhabit."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Mythology? Harry, Fred and George hardly sounded like gods, nor like angels or demons; God didn't seem too fond of English names, after all. Pollution hmm'ed thoughtfully at the question. Wrote something about diseases again. Scribbled it out.

"They could all marry each other. I don't care."

He paused. "I would send them aerosol cans as a wedding gift."

It was much better than a toaster, at any rate.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Surely you must of figured it out by now? I put it there, of course. Every time. It will continue to clutter your desk, and the other dismal surroundings in your office."

Pollution looked around, then added, as an afterthought: "... I thought you would like it. Really."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

This warranted a rather indignant look from the Horseman.

"Where did you think we got global warming? Radiation poisoning? ... gum underneath your desk?"

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

A bribe? But what did he have to offer? More importantly, did all tests require people to bribe others into voting in their favor?

Well, he wouldn't have been surprised.

Pollution thought about it and, coming up with nothing, decided to write: "I hope you're interested in depleted uranium."

I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Pollution
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Pollution
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Pollution
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ...pity there's still a world to rule Pollution

Comments

::screened for La Fee Verte and Pollution::

[lady-thujone.livejournal.com]

::screened for La Fee Verte and Pollution::

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Dearie?

... I try.

[big-wee-hag.livejournal.com]

Tiffany approached the new applicant warily. There was something about him...and then looking at his answers, and just the way everything got broken and decayed around him...

"Are you another of those anthropomorphic personages?" she asked.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution blinked, a slow and owlish gesture. It was as if he didn't notice the atmosphere he had created... or perhaps he did, and he didn't care. Neither guess would've been too far off.

"Does my answer effect the outcome of this exam?" he replied, with a question of his own. Said exam was starting to turn yellow and curl at the corners.

[sada-chan.livejournal.com]

You know, some of us like our water clean.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution didn't seem the least bit discouraged. But he did give her his attention and all that came with it, including the smell of a dank cellar and a rather unnerving stare.

"... artistic differences."

[heymrcrowley.livejournal.com]

Oh, boy. Crowley groaned. "Good grief. Now there are two of you?" He hesitated, glancing around the Sorting Room. "...Have you brought any of the others?"

Honestly, he'd just gotten over the last Apocalypse. He'd just redecorated his office! He didn't want to go through all that again.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution's eyes lit up like a child who'd just discovered the joys of a spit ball (which he liked to assume were also part of his realm, of course). He seemed completely oblivious to Crowley's distress, if only because he mentioned something about there being two of him.

"Who is it?" he asked. Not that the answer would change his reaction any. Two was better than one, he thought, even though it wasn't exactly four.

Vote: Hufflepuff

[researcher42.livejournal.com]

"It must be spring, all the anthropomorphic personifications have started coming round again," Ford said, mostly to himself.

"I'm gonna say Hufflepuff."

Knowing it was probably a bad idea, he went ahead and asked about the bribe. "Depleted uranium? Really? Why?"

[befouled.livejournal.com]

The bribe, Pollution had thought at the time, was a harmless one. Well, that was a lie. Even he knew handing out depleted uranium was like spreading a radioactive plague. Could be worse, he thought. But his mind would only stray further off-topic from there...

"It was a tough decision," he said, with a blank stare. "I would have chosen something simple like mud, or pesticides... or non-biodegradable styrofoam. But you could very well get all of those on your own. Hardly a good bribe at all, if you think about it."

[rosecasson.livejournal.com]

'Your writing,' Rose announces, 'Is EVEN WORSE THAN MINE.'

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Worse? What was wrong with his handwriting?

"I rather like it," he replied, discouraged. It wasn't his fault the pen was leaking ink all over his paper.

But then again, maybe it was.

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

Why do I get the impression you've never used a quill pen before?

[befouled.livejournal.com]

"Because I haven't," he replied, bluntly. "Although I don't think it would've made much difference either way."

[nemofound.livejournal.com]

((As a Good Omens fan, I'm thrilled to see Pollution here, and you are doing an excellent job of him.))

Nemo hadn't gotten very far into the sorting room when the water in his tank began to turn slightly green. Coughing a little, he looked up and saw the new applicant.

"Domino, would you turn the settings up on my automatic filter?" he asked the house elf who tugged his tank around.

Keeping his distance very carefully, Nemo shouted, "Hello! I do not think you are very nice!"

[befouled.livejournal.com]

[ Aww, thank you! I really hope I can do him justice. ]

Pollution had killed many a fish, and would doubtless continue to do so whether or not he assumed a human form. But, to his knowledge, he had never killed a talking fish. For that matter,he didn't even know fish could talk, and when one shouted to him from across the room it was hard to hide the obvious alarm on his face. A talking fish, indeed.

... maybe it was coming to avenge one of his brothers?

"I am not Very Nice," he replied in a flat tone. "I am Pollution."

That was what he was getting at, wasn't it? Pollution turned Nemo's word's over again before he added, albeit a bit awkwardly, "... hello."

[fine-eyes-lizzy.livejournal.com]

Elizabeth looked at the application in astonishment. "What, pray tell, is depleted uranium?"

Most elements were rather ahead of Elizabeth's time period, as were the concepts of global warming, radiation poisoning, and styrofoam.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution didn't seem at all bothered by the question; it couldn't possibly have been worse than the girl who asked him what pollution was. Depleted uranium. That, he could handle.

"Uranium with reduced proportions of Uranium-238. An isotope," he explained, and seemed all too happy to do so. "Often used in nuclear weaponry and ammunition. I believe another name for it is Q-metal. It has... minor radiological hazards..."

Minor? Well, he supposed so. At least it did in comparison to natural uranium.

[dot-is-cross-hs.livejournal.com]

".... I get a rather terrible feeling that somehow I've seen you before," she says, with a little frown.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Well, that was a first. Most people tend to forget Pollution, even if they had met him before.

"I get around," he replied, with a smile that hardly seemed to suit him.

[friendofkittens.livejournal.com]

Ah. Now this... was an interesting situation.

HELLO, POLLUTION.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Interesting indeed, and before long the smile on Pollution's face was accompanied by a nauseating smell of decay.

"It is good to see you, lord," he said, bowing his head briefly. "I had been told you were here not too long ago, but..."

But he assumed he would have work to do. For better or for worse, this place was full of people.

[meatheadknight.livejournal.com]

Neal studied the new applicant for a moment, then sighed. "Actually, I was rather enjoying the reletive cleanliness of this place. Can you give me one reason why I shouldn't squib you?"

[befouled.livejournal.com]

The look on Pollution's face could best be described as that of a child placed in time-out. He knew people weren't too fond of him; especially not that fool, Mr. Clean. (Or whatever silly name they decided to give him.) The only difference between then and now was that now, he had to care about it.

"I will..." he began, as though it took every last inch of effort, "Keep my... mess... to my designated house."

That was as good a reason as he would ever be willing to give, and he didn't seem particularly pleased about it.

[squeegeetodd.livejournal.com]

Squee blinked. For some reason, just being around this new guy made him want to go take a bath. "... Do you need a new pen? Yours is all, um. Blotchy."

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution forced a sickening smile. "Well, it couldn't hurt," he said.

It was partially true. But he also decided to leave out that it couldn't help, either; any pen he chose to write with would, ultimately, be a defective one.

[usethepoker.livejournal.com]

Susan blinked. "Pollution? What happened to Pestilence? Did he retire or something?"

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution nodded gravely. "In 1936, following the invention of penicillin."

He couldn't bring himself to say the word without a scowl. A worthy adversary, that.

[battlefranky36.livejournal.com]

Franky stopped to think before even saying anything. This guy...something about him was wrong. Really wrong.

"Oi, are you sick or something?"

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution smiled a sardonic smile. Everyone asked him that. It was as though they couldn't quite put their fingers on something that was all around them.

"Never felt better," he said. That was a lie, of course, but he was curious as to the man's reaction.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

How depleted is this uranium we're talking about?

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution smiled an eerie smile.

"It is comprised almost entirely of uranium-238, with a little less than double the amount of uranium-235. Just over one percent, really."