Pollution (Good Omens)

[befouled.livejournal.com]

It wasn't so much his new environment that confused him as it was the test he had to take to remain there. Pollution had never taken a written test before, much less ever had a need for one... but, he thought to himself, there must be a time and a place for everything.

The questions didn't seem the least bit difficult. In fact, he was surprised they weren't just some practical joke. But the test wasn't going to do itself; he could feel the once polished wood of the table on which the exams rested start to rot and crack in response to his arrival. Best get to it, then.

After giving the questions a brief once-over, the Horseman put his pen to the paper and began to write. (But not before leaving a rather satisfying ink blot on the paper, of course.)

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"The moldy kind, if I had to choose. Cheese is (unfortunately) good for a person. But I hardly see why it matters; I don't care much for food... unless it comes in a styrofoam container."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Pollution shrugged a careless shoulder, stirring up a cloud of dust in the process. "Death is hardly my realm... but with names like those , I'm sure War would be happy to dispose of them for you."

3. What time is it where you are?

He looked up and around, quickly, before scribbling out his reply.

"If you're going to ask, you ought to have put a clock in this room ... shouldn't you know the answer?"

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

... whoever they were. Pollution puzzled at the question for far longer than was necessary, ink dripping from his pen all the while.

Finally, he settled on: "... which is more likely to result in sexually transmitted disease?"

Of course, illness wasn't his forte, either; that was the realm of his predecessor, Pestilence. That man was disease itself. Perfection in the shape of the Plague. Pollution's eyes gleamed with an almost unsettling reverence.

Back at the rotting table, one of the legs threatened to give way.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"... I never thought of a bar," he admitted. With the admission came an eerie smile and another loud cracking noise. Wit had gone completely overlooked, in favor of the new possibilities stirring in his head. "I suppose that would be as good a place as any to infest... inhabit."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Mythology? Harry, Fred and George hardly sounded like gods, nor like angels or demons; God didn't seem too fond of English names, after all. Pollution hmm'ed thoughtfully at the question. Wrote something about diseases again. Scribbled it out.

"They could all marry each other. I don't care."

He paused. "I would send them aerosol cans as a wedding gift."

It was much better than a toaster, at any rate.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Surely you must of figured it out by now? I put it there, of course. Every time. It will continue to clutter your desk, and the other dismal surroundings in your office."

Pollution looked around, then added, as an afterthought: "... I thought you would like it. Really."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

This warranted a rather indignant look from the Horseman.

"Where did you think we got global warming? Radiation poisoning? ... gum underneath your desk?"

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

A bribe? But what did he have to offer? More importantly, did all tests require people to bribe others into voting in their favor?

Well, he wouldn't have been surprised.

Pollution thought about it and, coming up with nothing, decided to write: "I hope you're interested in depleted uranium."

I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Pollution
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Pollution
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Pollution
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ...pity there's still a world to rule Pollution

Comments

[nemofound.livejournal.com]

If Pollution had asked, Nemo could have told him: All fish can talk, if you are patient enough to listen.

Nemo's water was getting very green now, as green as when he and his former tank-mates had disabled their filter to force the dentist to clean the tank himself and facilitate their escape. But Nemo didn't want to escape now, and his automatic filter was chugging away, smoking a little from the doomed effort and starting to heat up the water in its immediate vicinity.

Furryfurrysoft, Nemo's pet tribble, felt that electronic warmth heating the bars of her cage, which hung from Nemo's tank. She began to detect her young master's queasy discomfort. Rather than her usual chirps, she began to trill a piercing alarm-scream.

Nemo shouted over his tribble's scream.

"Why are you being so mean? Can't you see it's making me sick? Please stop!"

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution winced at the high-pitched trill that came from Nemo's tribble. Pity that thing wasn't underwater; he could do without the loud ringing sound in his ears.

"But I can't," he replied, watching with twisted fascination as the water turned a disgusting and murky shade. There would always be pollution; water would always get contaminated somehow. He was simply the eye of the storm.

Doubtless the Horseman had questions of his own for the little fish, but it seemed unlikely that he'd be able to ask them at the moment. Pollution stared at the tank for a few more seconds before he turned and put more distance between them. It would hardly matter where he was in the room, but he thought it might give him more time.

"... you can talk." It sounded like a statement, but it was more Pollution's way of promting Nemo to explain.

[nemofound.livejournal.com]

"Of course I can! All fish can!" Nemo shouted scornfully, coughing as he did. "It's only here that humans listen well enough to hear me!"

He swam to the side of the tank near Furryfurrysoft's cage and bumped his nose against the glass to comfort his pet. "It's okay, Furryfurrysoft. We will leave soon and somebody will help us get the water clean." It didn't work. The tribble kept squealing.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

And Pollution kept cringing. That thing sure had a good set of lungs. He'd have to do something about that.

"If humans here are listening," he said, slowly, "Why hasn't one come to change your water?"

It wasn't an attack. Or perhaps it was, and his tone was so devoid of emotion that you just couldn't tell. But humans, he thought, were just like that; they would let a problem fester and rot like old garbage, taking care of it only at the last minute. Not that he was complaining.

Vote: Squib ((The mun doesn't agree!))

[nemofound.livejournal.com]

Oh, now THAT was a low blow. Especially when delivered to such a nervous and now ill fish-child.

Nemo coughed and shouted over the tribble's scream, "I don't know! Maybe they do not know you are here yet! But I do not think you should be here! I think you will make everybody sick! I think you should go away!"

And for the first time ever, with the screams of his tribble ringing in his ears, Nemo cast a vote that was not a vote at all.

(http://photobucket.com)

((Please don't take it personally! I like your Pollution a lot and would probably vote him Slytherin or Hufflepuff. I, however, breathe air. ;-) ))

Re: Vote: Squib ((The mun doesn't agree!))

[befouled.livejournal.com]

[ Haha! No, I'm not offended at all. :3 It's all in good fun, really... and at least Pollution was enough of a jerk to Nemo to get a special picture. :x ]

Re: Vote: Squib ((The mun doesn't agree!))

[nemofound.livejournal.com]

((If Pollution has further questions for Nemo, he is welcome to ask them. Nemo can't die, because Hogwarts has a no-kill rule, so he'll only be uncomfortable in the murky water for a while.))