Pollution (Good Omens)

[befouled.livejournal.com]

It wasn't so much his new environment that confused him as it was the test he had to take to remain there. Pollution had never taken a written test before, much less ever had a need for one... but, he thought to himself, there must be a time and a place for everything.

The questions didn't seem the least bit difficult. In fact, he was surprised they weren't just some practical joke. But the test wasn't going to do itself; he could feel the once polished wood of the table on which the exams rested start to rot and crack in response to his arrival. Best get to it, then.

After giving the questions a brief once-over, the Horseman put his pen to the paper and began to write. (But not before leaving a rather satisfying ink blot on the paper, of course.)

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"The moldy kind, if I had to choose. Cheese is (unfortunately) good for a person. But I hardly see why it matters; I don't care much for food... unless it comes in a styrofoam container."

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?

Pollution shrugged a careless shoulder, stirring up a cloud of dust in the process. "Death is hardly my realm... but with names like those , I'm sure War would be happy to dispose of them for you."

3. What time is it where you are?

He looked up and around, quickly, before scribbling out his reply.

"If you're going to ask, you ought to have put a clock in this room ... shouldn't you know the answer?"

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

... whoever they were. Pollution puzzled at the question for far longer than was necessary, ink dripping from his pen all the while.

Finally, he settled on: "... which is more likely to result in sexually transmitted disease?"

Of course, illness wasn't his forte, either; that was the realm of his predecessor, Pestilence. That man was disease itself. Perfection in the shape of the Plague. Pollution's eyes gleamed with an almost unsettling reverence.

Back at the rotting table, one of the legs threatened to give way.

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.

"... I never thought of a bar," he admitted. With the admission came an eerie smile and another loud cracking noise. Wit had gone completely overlooked, in favor of the new possibilities stirring in his head. "I suppose that would be as good a place as any to infest... inhabit."

B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.

Mythology? Harry, Fred and George hardly sounded like gods, nor like angels or demons; God didn't seem too fond of English names, after all. Pollution hmm'ed thoughtfully at the question. Wrote something about diseases again. Scribbled it out.

"They could all marry each other. I don't care."

He paused. "I would send them aerosol cans as a wedding gift."

It was much better than a toaster, at any rate.

C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Surely you must of figured it out by now? I put it there, of course. Every time. It will continue to clutter your desk, and the other dismal surroundings in your office."

Pollution looked around, then added, as an afterthought: "... I thought you would like it. Really."

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

This warranted a rather indignant look from the Horseman.

"Where did you think we got global warming? Radiation poisoning? ... gum underneath your desk?"

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

A bribe? But what did he have to offer? More importantly, did all tests require people to bribe others into voting in their favor?

Well, he wouldn't have been surprised.

Pollution thought about it and, coming up with nothing, decided to write: "I hope you're interested in depleted uranium."

I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Pollution
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. Pollution
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Pollution
One day, marmalade will rule the world. ...pity there's still a world to rule Pollution

Comments

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what radioactive contaminants are, but I'm certain giving them to Ephidel would be a bad idea regardless. Always assuming, of course, that you could actually get them to someone who's dead.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Oh, so he reminded him of a dead person. Charming.

"I'm sure there are ways," he remarked. "Although I've never explored them. There's no need to."

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

That's one thing we're agreed on, at any rate. The living cause enough trouble without involving the dead. *Dead twice over, come to that, being a morph and all.*

[befouled.livejournal.com]

"I'm sure they do. At any rate, death is hardly my realm."

Pollution let another awkward pause settle in. One could even go so far as to say he enjoyed them.

"... what are you?"

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

Human, I hope. *The mage shifts uncomfortably. A crunching sound comes from a candy wrapper that was almost certainly not under his boot before now.*

My name is Erk. *He unwisely holds out a hand.*

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution smiled at the sound of crumpled paper. He didn't need to look down to know that it was there.

"... White," he replied, taking the hand offered to him. His grip wasn't too strong, nor had he slapped Erk's hand in the process, but he still managed to stir up dust that most likely had not been there before.

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

Pleased to meet you. *I think. Erk attempts to surreptitiously wipe his hand off on his cloak, the only problem being that it seems to suddenly be equally dirty.*

I take it, from the fact that you asked what I am rather than who, that you're fairly used to meeting people who look human, but aren't.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution seemed to perk up at the increasing amounts of filth. This place really would be worth his while.

"Something like that," he replied. Not only was he used to meeting such people, but he was one himself. He wasn't, however, used to humans who could actually utilize magic; he only knew of the ones that pulled out their ouija boards on a boring Saturday night. "You're different, though."

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

I am? *Erk pauses, attempting to figure out why. Only one thing springs to mind.* ... Does this have to do with the fact that I'm a mage?

[befouled.livejournal.com]

"Yes. Exactly that." He was almost tempted to ask something along the lines of: yeah, how did that happen? But Pollution hoped he'd offer up this information on his own, instead of having to prompt him for it.

The Horseman added, almost helpfully, "A strong one at that. Most humans... aren't."

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

*"A strong one"? Erk, for all his prowess, never really thought of himself as such; he could think of two people who were nearly as powerful as him or more so without straining his memory.*

Really? It seems fairly common in Elibe. I'll admit I've studied more than some, but I'm hardly the best in Elibe. *Not that he's got the healthiest of study habits. Training until you collapse isn't really the best way to go about it.*

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution followed him... somewhat. At least, up until he mentioned a place called "Elibe." In other words, he could barely follow him at all.

The name didn't ring a bell, and he could only assume it wasn't any place on earth. At least, not the earth that he knew, especially not if this city was one in which it was common for people to study magic. He hesitated before asking his next question, if only because it made him uncomfortable admitting that he had no idea what Erk was getting at.

"... where is Elibe?"

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

Another world. At least, I assume so, since I doubt this world could overlook an entire continent. I myself come from the country of Etruria.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Another world, he said. Curiosity nagged at Pollution like a bad habit, or an addiction. Clearly, he'd never been to this world. There were so many possibilities he hadn't even considered...

"How did you get here, then?"

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

Some sort of very powerful magic, I assume. I've never encountered the like before, yet the fact that I stand here is incontrovertible proof of its existence.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

"... I see."

Well, that was unfortunate. He didn't know how he'd arrived. How, then, would he find a way to get back?

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

I simply set out to arrive here, and I did, somehow managing to pass over absolutely no oceans on the way, despite the fact that this "Britain" is clearly an island country, if a large one. *Can you believe this guy's a teenager?*

[befouled.livejournal.com]

... and he was lost again.

"But people often set out to arrive places without ever getting there," he countered. "And they don't set out to cross worlds like you've done."

It could very well be proof of the mage's power, Pollution told himself. But then he also mentioned not knowing just how he arrived.

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

Niether did I. I was sent directions to the school, which would have taken me to a point somewhere in Sacae had I not arrived en route. *Erk blinks.* Did that last sentence make any sense at all?

It does trouble me somewhat... It reminds me of the stories of mystical places within whose borders the basic fabric of the world is altered. Perhaps these tales have a hint of truth in them after all... weak places between worlds, where one can slip through...

[befouled.livejournal.com]

Pollution pursed his lips thoughtfully. It made some sense, but not as much as he would have liked. He had been in the country already - "on business," if you will. Arriving wasn't as much of an ordeal for him as he assumed it was for Erk.

"It seems plausible," he said, "Especially if your arrival is any indication. Until now, I thought other worlds were restricted to fiction, myself."

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

As did I. Of course, given how often Lord Pent used to lecture me about having an open mind, among other things, I probably shouldn't have.

[befouled.livejournal.com]

"Well, now we know. There must be others who wouldn't entertain the notion of alternate worlds; I hardly see why we should find fault in ourselves."

That was his way, of course, for making up for the fact that he hadn't known any of this to begin with.

"Do you suppose there are more?"

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

If there weren't, I'd be hard pressed to explain where many of the other students come from.

Actually, I suppose I know of one more for a fact - one connected to the world Elibe is part of, actually. A thousand years ago, the humans of Elibe banished the dragons to this other world for a reason I never did figure out. *Erk suffers from the delusion that humans actually need a reason for this.*

[befouled.livejournal.com]

"Humans are humans. That's the only reason they need."

So, not only was this man from another world, but once upon a time, that world had dragons. It was beginning to sound more and more like fiction, but again, his mere presence proved it to be fact. He wasn't like the humans Pollution knew.

"Can you visit that world? Is it sealed away or... something?"

[mageofanima.livejournal.com]

There's a gate to the world - I've met a couple people from the other side, actually, ice dragons, and they seemed to be fairly nice people. Only, the gate is on the Dread Isle, which for some bizarre reason is called Valor, and can only be opened by a dragon. Apparently they really didn't want us coming after them.