Samwell Tarley: A Song of Ice and Fire

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

The door to the sorting room opened and the newest applicant stumbled through it. The noticeable thing about him was that he was young, fairly heavyset, and carrying an obsydian dagger in his belt. He also really, really, really didn't look like this was his idea of fun.

He looked around the sorting room wildly, and then let out a little shriek that was definitely not manly when the first question came thundering at him, from nowhere and everywhere.


1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Um... I don't..,. What is this place? Why are you asking me about cheese? I.l.. I don't know!" He began to pace restlessly, and to sweat a little. "We... We had good cheese at Horn Hill. My father said I oughtn't to have eaten so much of it. That's why I'm so fat." He looked down and scuffed his feet nervously.


2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"I... I know not these men. Why am I supposed to kill them? Are they... Are they wildlings? I'm not much of a fighter, and I've sworn to protect innocent people, not kill them." He looked up at the ceiling. "I'm failing this test, aren't I?"
3. What time is it where you are?
Sam relaxed, because this was an easy question. "It's just after the evening meal. The food at the Citadel's quite a bit richer than I'm used to, and I ate too much."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order
of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus
Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Sam looked indignant. "I am a man of the Night's Watch. That would be breaking my vows. I am sworn against doing that sort of thing, and I mean to never break my oaths again or Jon and the rest really will take me for craven."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend,
in the dark.
"Oh no! The only bar I know about is in Molestown, and I was too scared to ever go there."
B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or
George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument. "
Who are these people? I know no one by those names. Mayhap they should all go to the Wall. Doing that would settle the marriage question entirely.
C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated
with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Perhaps you need a better steward? Or a competent maester? ...Which wouldn't be me, as I've only just arrived at the Citadel for training.
D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Sam was silent and broody for a moment. "I can't," he finally admitted miserably. "I'm just a fat, craven coward. Everyone knows it." He looked for a moment as if he wanted to cry, but then collected himself.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you.
Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the
bribe.
Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't
really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly.
The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"I... I don't have anything to offer. I have this dagger Jon gave me, but I want to keep it. I suppose I could tend your ravens. I'm good with animals." He looked down again, miserably, trying to think of a suitable bribe and failing. He sighed heavily. If this was one of the tests one had to take in order to advance as a maester, he was fairly sure he'd just botched it.


"I have read the hogwarts_hocus FAQ and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Samwell
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one. Samwell
"I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Samwell
One day, marmalade will rule the world. Samwell

((I let all the ASOIAF muns know I was doing this. No one screamed and threw a fit.))

Comments

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

"The Lord Commander of the Night's Watch is here," Brienne ventured. "I wonder if that means they'll choose a new Lord Commander, back home?" It was the first thought she'd given to what might happen in Westeros in her absence. She had been hellbent on finding the Stark girls, and once they appeared at Hogwarts, Hogwarts became the center of her world. Jaime Lannister's presence had nothing to do with that at all.

"So at least you have one brother here," she finished somewhat lamely.

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam thought about that. "Probably," he said, and for the first time in a while found that he was glad not to be on the Wall anymore. Because whoever they picked wouldn't be half the Lord Commander Jon was. "It'll be good to have Jon around again," he admitted, looking slightly hopeful.

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

Eyes fixed on the ground, Brienne had no good answer for that. "I only met him at his Sorting," she said. "He seemed to care about his ... sisters. Lady Stark told me all the Stark boys were dead. I believe I gave Lord Snow offense."

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam opened his mouth to say something, then closed it rapidly. "Well, I imagine being base-born and living with trueborn siblings would be difficult," Sam ventured diplomatically.

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

"I'd not know," Brienne admitted. "I am my father's only child." Only son, she'd almost said once, and caught herself in time to keep from saying it, but not soon enough that Jaime did not catch it and deride her for it. She now found herself in a difficult position: it was not exactly the done thing for trueborn nobles to beg pardon of bastards for inadvertently drawing attention to their bastardy. "If the girls call him brother, that is enough for me. My oath is only to see them protected and safe. Lady Catelyn said nothing to me of which relatives she felt suitable for that task." A thought occurred to her. "If they are in the guardianship of their brother, now, then perhaps that promise is fulfilled, even though it was through no work of mine."

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam had no idea what to tell her. "I suppose," he answered. "In any case, do they need protection in this place?"

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

"Do you think Queen Cersei and the Imp to be dangers to them? Lady Catelyn would so." Lady Catelyn also thought Jaime a danger to them ...

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam shrugged. "Well, I suppose she would know best but... Since we are not in Westeros, none of the Lannisters hold any sort of power here... Do they?"

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

Brienne had gotten far enough on her own to figure that a new Lord Commander of the Night's Watch might be named back in Westeros, yes. She had not begun to think that the status each of the Westerosi held back in their homeland no longer correspondingly held at Hogwarts. To Brienne, a person was what they were born as. Try as she might, she could never become something other than the freakish daughter of the Evenstar.

"I suppose they do not," she conceded. "I suppose they are no different than any of the other ... students? ... here. The professors hold more power than they, if you think of it in those terms."

Now, that was an interesting thought.

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam mulled that over for a bit. "It seems a queer thought that a maester should be more powerful than even a queen regent," he said. "But I suppose it makes sense, as this is a place of study."

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

"A queer thought indeed," Brienne agreed, relieved that Sam could at least share her sense of it. She still could not imagine calling the queen regent anything but 'Your Grace'.

"I've not studied much here. Most of the work is independent and I have had ... other concerns. There are classes that convene irregularly, I hear. Now I am supposed to vote you into a House, which is not so much a House as we would think of it, as a place one lives with other students. I suppose you will want to be with the Lord Commander -- I mean, Jon Snow who was the Lord Commander in Westeros."

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam could deal with independent study. In fact, the longer he considered the possibility, the happier he was feeling about it. Surely this place had a library, and it had been so long since he'd been able to simply lose himself in books.

Her question about the houses jolted him out of his momentary reverie. He gave a firm nod. "Yes, my lady, I would like that very much."

vote: Gryffindor

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

"Very well. I vote Gryffindor for you. That is my House as well," Brienne said, and, after a moment of hesitation: "If you hear Ser Jaime shouting in Gryffindor dorm, pay it no heed, and go about your business."

Re: vote: Gryffindor

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

"Erl... Yes, I'll do that," Sam answered confusedly. Then he added slowly, "Does Ser Jaime come into Gryffindor and shout quite frequently?"

Re: vote: Gryffindor

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

"Yes." Brienne's face flushed red. She thought to add, "The Queen is there." Maybe he would take the two of those remarks together.

Misdirection? From Brienne? Maybe Jaime was a bad influence!

Re: vote: Gryffindor

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam was smarter than he looked, so he merely shrugged. "I see. Well, I'll certainly remember your advice, and my thanks for it."