Samwell Tarley: A Song of Ice and Fire

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

The door to the sorting room opened and the newest applicant stumbled through it. The noticeable thing about him was that he was young, fairly heavyset, and carrying an obsydian dagger in his belt. He also really, really, really didn't look like this was his idea of fun.

He looked around the sorting room wildly, and then let out a little shriek that was definitely not manly when the first question came thundering at him, from nowhere and everywhere.


1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?

"Um... I don't..,. What is this place? Why are you asking me about cheese? I.l.. I don't know!" He began to pace restlessly, and to sweat a little. "We... We had good cheese at Horn Hill. My father said I oughtn't to have eaten so much of it. That's why I'm so fat." He looked down and scuffed his feet nervously.


2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
"I... I know not these men. Why am I supposed to kill them? Are they... Are they wildlings? I'm not much of a fighter, and I've sworn to protect innocent people, not kill them." He looked up at the ceiling. "I'm failing this test, aren't I?"
3. What time is it where you are?
Sam relaxed, because this was an easy question. "It's just after the evening meal. The food at the Citadel's quite a bit richer than I'm used to, and I ate too much."
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order
of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus
Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.

Sam looked indignant. "I am a man of the Night's Watch. That would be breaking my vows. I am sworn against doing that sort of thing, and I mean to never break my oaths again or Jon and the rest really will take me for craven."
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend,
in the dark.
"Oh no! The only bar I know about is in Molestown, and I was too scared to ever go there."
B. Gryffindor – Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or
George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument. "
Who are these people? I know no one by those names. Mayhap they should all go to the Wall. Doing that would settle the marriage question entirely.
C. Ravenclaw – You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated
with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.

"Perhaps you need a better steward? Or a competent maester? ...Which wouldn't be me, as I've only just arrived at the Citadel for training.
D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.

Sam was silent and broody for a moment. "I can't," he finally admitted miserably. "I'm just a fat, craven coward. Everyone knows it." He looked for a moment as if he wanted to cry, but then collected himself.

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you.
Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the
bribe.
Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't
really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly.
The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.

"I... I don't have anything to offer. I have this dagger Jon gave me, but I want to keep it. I suppose I could tend your ravens. I'm good with animals." He looked down again, miserably, trying to think of a suitable bribe and failing. He sighed heavily. If this was one of the tests one had to take in order to advance as a maester, he was fairly sure he'd just botched it.


"I have read the hogwarts_hocus FAQ and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. Samwell
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one. Samwell
"I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. Samwell
One day, marmalade will rule the world. Samwell

((I let all the ASOIAF muns know I was doing this. No one screamed and threw a fit.))

Comments

[wee-free-men.livejournal.com]

"Crivens! Cheer up, ya daftie. Things bain't tha' bad. After all, there's things tae fight, things tae steal, an' things tae drink. What more could yez want from Hea'en?"

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

For some reason, this didn't seem to comfort Sam all that much. "I'm not a very good fighter," he said glumly, "And I'm too clumsy to steal anything--unless it's food and... Wait..." He suddenly became aware that he was in fact talking to a horde of little blue men. "You're not part of this test, too, are you? Because I've never seen your like before."

[not-a-damn-duke.livejournal.com]

Vimes proceeded into the Sorting Tower and looked at the young lad. Rough around the edges, that was true, but nothing that couldn't be kicked into shape. The boy couldn't be any worse than the old Treacle-Mine road crew, surely. And he said he was a member of the Night Watch.

"Attention! Officer present!" he bellowed, to see what this new arrival's response would be.

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

The reaction was another less than manly shriek of terror, then, trying to save face, Sam straightened, blushing, and timidly said, "Yes sir?"

[maid-brienne.livejournal.com]

Brienne needed a distraction from the welter of confusion that had become her life. The Sorting Room seemed as good a diversion as any. She'd met interesting people here -- Jill, Mara -- maybe she'd meet some new kind soul.

Instead she found herself face to face with a Tarly.

"A Tarly of Horn Hill?" She was wary. Randyll Tarly had denied her the hospitality of his roof, called her a 'freak of nature.' She knew she was a freak but it was discourteous to say so, and still more to deny guest right to travelers.

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam was shocked to see, of all the people in this odd place, Brienne of Tarth. He didn't know the lady especially well, but she was sort of hard not to recognize.

Relieved that he knew how to handle this situation, he bowed. "My lady. You're... looking well," he said, somewhat awkwardly.

Had he known about her encounter with his father, he would have been able to put her mind at ease, because after all, Randyll Tarley had wanted to arrange for a "hunting accident" in order to disinherit Samwell from Horn Hill.

[castleinthesnow.livejournal.com]

All in black, talking about a 'Jon'.... hmm. Sansa approached the young man carefully, as she had no particular desire to be shrieked at, manfully or otherwise. "Do you mean Jon Snow?" Rude enough to ask the question without introducing herself first, but it seemed ruder to ask the other questions in her head, such as how a fat craven ended up an oathbound brother of the Night's Watch.

Besides, she had no real idea at all how that worked... just stories, and those were likely no good. They never were, it seemed.

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam's face brightened considerably at the mention of Jon Snow made Sam's face brighten. "Yes, I do mean him," he exclaimed. "Do you know him, milady?"

[runaway-stark.livejournal.com]

"I know you. You were in Braavos, weren't you?" Arya nodded to herself. "Yes, you were. I gave you clams."

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

"Yes. You did." Sam looked at her in shock. "What are you doing here? Are you part of this test, too?"

[profmoony.livejournal.com]

This fellow reminded Remus of his former student, Neville Longbottom. "I doubt you're really a coward," he said kindly. "If you were, you wouldn't be here."

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

"Sir?" Sam looked a bit startled. "...Where is here, anyway? I'm... confused."

'That's obvious,' remarked his snide inner voice.

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

Hi. I'm Laura. *waves* This is Galahad, he's friendly, don't worry.

You're one of Commander Snow's men? If he trusts you, I'm sure you must be all right, Mr. Tarley. I don't have any ravens yet, but I do have a mynah bird and a pigeon. D'you think you could teach me any tricks for taking better care of them?

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam wondered if the treecat was anything like Jon's direwolf. He decided now was probably not the best time to bring that up. However, despite his oaths, being confronted by a pretty girl made him a bit more scattered than usual. "Um... The Lord Commander before Jon Snow... His raven liked corn. A lot," he said, rather lamely.

[carri3-whit3.livejournal.com]

*expression darkens*

Anythin' 'ever'body knows' is most likely wrong. You went t'this Citadel, didn't'cha? Did 'ever'body' get the nerve up t'do that?

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

tSam shrugged slightly. "I was given orders, my lady," he said. He would never really see his own bravery any other way. He'd slain an Other, had fought alongside the men of the Night's Watch when it was necessary, and he'd been mostly honorable. Still, his bravery seemed mainly just accidental.

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

Pray tell what you mean by a maester. It is not the first time I have heard the term used by one from your lands. And what is this Citadel of which you speak?

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

"A maester is a scholar. They study a variety of subjects, from medicine to law, and are usually employed by noble houses. You can usually tell a maester by the chain they wear. I don't have one yet because I've only begun my training."

[starkwhitesnow.livejournal.com]

When he peers into the sorting room curiously, he lights right up. What luck he has! "... we all come one by one, but we all arrive eventually."

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam's face lit up. "Jon! It's good to see you! And it seems we do, at that." He took a moment to study his old friend. Certainly he seemed more easy. Of course that was probably because he was no longer Lord Commander. "How long have you been in... this place?"

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

Tyrion was feeling even crankier than usual, and as was his habbit, he peeked in at the sorting room to see what the gods had chosen to plague him with now. Randyll Tarley's first-born son, the one who'd taken the black. Well, this might be good for a laugh, at any rate.


He checked the overwhelming desire to sneak up behind the Tarley whelp, tap him on the shoulder and shout, "Boo!" just to see what would happen and settled for approaching him, scowling. "I'd say black agrees with you, Tarley. I wonder, though... Would your father be disappointed to learn you haven't died yet?"

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Apparently, speaking the name Lannister would send one in to plague him, Sam thought miserably. He looked down at the imp and shrugged. "I am always a disappointment to my father."

[fine-eyes-lizzy.livejournal.com]

Don't worry, sir- it isn't a test, and I think it very unlikely that anyone could fail, if they are in earnest when they fill out the application.

*holds out hand and curtsies* Miss Elizabeth Bennet, sir.

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Well, whatever this place was, it certainly had its share of pretty girls. The fact that several of them had even deigned to talk to him was a bit overwhelming. So poor Sam was blushing again as he returned her curtsy with a bow of his own. "I'm relieved to hear this isn't a test," he managed to say without stammering. "And... I'm Sam... Samwell Tarley... my lady."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

You're good with animals? Especially ravens? I could use someone to tend my personal owl. He's so messy!

[sam-the-slayer.livejournal.com]

Sam was a bit startled by the hat, but he imagined it would be rather difficult to tend an owl when one had no visible means of doing so. "I could certainly do my best... um... sir," he responded.

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

But your friend is more important to you than studying is. Yes, yes, I know where you should go.

Hufflepuff!

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Hufflepuff!