Jaime Lannister - A Song of Ice and Fire

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Cheese is cheese. My sweet sister, Cersei might dispute that, as might the Imp, but I care not for what they think. After all, one's a whore, the other's a kinslayer. I'll let you decide who is who.

Upon reflection, it does occur to me that my siblings are just as fucked up as I am. That's somewhat comforting.

2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I know not these names. At the moment, I doubt myself able to kill either. Though should they cross me, they shall see what manner of skill still avails me.

And everyone can watch as the Kingslayer gets beaten around by a purple dragon. That should make them laugh

3. What time is it where you are?
Gods know. I do not remember when last I slept.

And no, this has nothing to do with my sister.

4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
No true knight would force himself upon another. Not that I have been a true knight for a long time now, but still, I retain that much dignity. And shit for honour, but I've had that for years now.

On the other hand, I don't kill kin. Except by burning letters

5. If you are pushing to be in:

A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
The Lion's Pride. Dark, dank and falling apart, I think this would be an excellent jest. Although the Imp would probably be more at home in such a place. Fucking the staff at every opportunity, I would guess. I'm certain many men would thank him for his kind dedication to bettering the skills of the whores. Perhaps I'll send him a present.

D. Hufflepuff – Prove you are not useless.
Ha. I offer no such proof, save for the fact that I still retain some small amount of my wits. Even without my hand, I suppose I may be good for something. Like fucking that whore of a sister

6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
Bribery? I suppose there is gold should you want that. Or my oath, should you want that. It's worth little, but a Lannister always pays his debts.

Or there's the armies of Westeros. Or my sister. She's fucked Lancel, and Kettleblack, and Moon Boy for all I know. She'll probably do the same for you.


"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. JL
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. JL.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. That's what Cersei's are for. JL.
One day, chaos, no, Cersei, wait same thing marmalade will rule the world. JL"

OOC: Tyrion-mun did know I was apping. We plotted before hand, a little.

Comments

Oh... it's you.

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

Upon reflection, it does occur to me that my siblings are just as fucked up as I
am. That's somewhat comforting.

My, haven't we grown self-aware all of a sudden, sweet brother.

And everyone can watch as the Kingslayer gets beaten around by a purple dragon. That
should make them laugh
It would amuse me, at any rate.

Gods know. I do not remember when last I slept.
And no, this has nothing to do with my sister.
Keep telling yourself that, sweet brother.

The Lion's Pride. Dark, dank and falling apart, I think this would be an excellent
jest. Although the Imp would probably be more at home in such a place. Fucking the
staff at every opportunity, I would guess. I'm certain many men would thank him for
his kind dedication to bettering the skills of the whores. Perhaps I'll send him
a present.
How terribly kind of you. I appreciate your thoughtfulness in thinking of me. Because we saw how well that worked the last time. I think Imislike your presents.


Bribery? I suppose there is gold should you want that. Or my oath, should you want
that. It's worth little, but a Lannister always pays his debts.
Or there's the armies of Westeros. Or my sister. She's fucked Lancel, and Kettleblack,
and Moon Boy for all I know. She'll probably do the same for you.

Yes, yes she would. Which, given some of the members of this school, disturbs me greatly.


I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch. That's what Cersei's
are for. JL.
Please get that horrible mental image out of my head.

One day, chaos, no, Cersei, wait same thing marmalade will rule the world. JL"
You'd better hope not.

Re: Oh... it's you.

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

Well. You're still alive, little brother. I guess Cersei's men haven't caught up with you then.

My, haven't we grown self-aware all of a sudden, sweet brother.

You of all men should know that if you take something from a man, he'll gain something in return. They took your looks, and you ended up more Tywin's son than I. Although our sweet sister seems to think that SHE's his son. Gods help us all.

How terribly kind of you. I appreciate your thoughtfulness in thinking of me. Because we saw how well that worked the last time. I think Imislike your presents.

Would you rather still be in that cell, waiting to die? Remember well, little brother, I let you out. And because of you, our father's blood is on my hands.

Now, I have a question.

Where the fuck am I?

Re: Oh... it's you.

[ugly-imp.livejournal.com]

Yes, thankfully for everyone concerned, I'm still around to inconvenience everyone with my utterly brilliant charm and wit.

You of all men should know that if you take something from a man, he'll gain something
in return. They took your looks, and you ended up more Tywin's son than I. Although
our sweet sister seems to think that SHE's his son. Gods help us all.


*Scowls* I refuse to acknowledge that misbegotten bastard as my father.

Would you rather still be in that cell, waiting to die? Remember well, little brother,
I let you out. And because of you, our father's blood is on my hands.

Well, I really must thank you for releasing me. I never would have found this place otherwise, and dark, damp cells don't exactly enhance my stunning good looks.

Now, I have a question.
Where the fuck am I?

You're at a place called Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. They teach magic here, if you can believe that. How came you to be here?
(

Re: Oh... it's you.

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

Honestly, I have no idea how I came to be here.

Then again, there have been far too many prophetic dreams, and odd happenings for my liking. Including a visit from our mother.

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

...you're not a kin-slayer, but you have one in your family? Or am I reading this wrong, Mr. Lannister?

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

I have at least one in my family. The Seven know what else my family is up to.

[wh0-kill3d-m3.livejournal.com]

...um. That wouldn't be a rather blunt fella by the name of Tyrion Lannister, came through here to be Sorted last week, would it?

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

So you know the Imp.

Yes, that would be him. Thankfullly the whore didn't follow.

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

So, you are the brother of our Mr Lannister, are you? which makes you also a Mr Lannister, and I shall have to have some way of naming you differently without resorting to the colorful names you use for one another.

Have you some idea yet where you are?

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

According to the Imp, "Hogwarts".

And feel free to call me whatever my dear brother has called me.

I have no fear of the name Kingslayer.

Otherwise, Jaime will suffice.

[estebanmd.livejournal.com]

Hogwarts it is called, yes. It is a school where wizards are trained.

I am Dr Maturin, potions master here, and I am not accustomed to call men by their given names. It further strikes me that 'Kingslayer' and 'Kinslayer' are sufficiently similar bynames as to serve little better than merely calling the both of you Lannister, and resigning myself to imprecision.

To slay a tyrant may serve its purposes; it may also serve purposes other than those intended. I am not much interested in your kingslaying or the reasons for it. What interests me is to know what brings you here, and what you plan to do now that you are here.

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

Your sister sounds almost as bad as my brother. Is she a drunk, too? My brother is.

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

Yes. My sweet sister is a drunkard. Just like her former husband. At least Robert had some merit to him, occasionally. I severely doubt that Cersei does.

[c-macaulay.livejournal.com]

It's shocking, isn't it? You share a cradle with them - share a womb with them. You think you know them, for so many years. And then what do they become?

[doctordweeb.livejournal.com]

You sound like you've got some serious issues with your sister.

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

"What a marvellous deduction ser. However did you work it out? A genius like you must be highly in demand for solving crimes and the like." The sarcasm is probably obvious by this point.

[doctordweeb.livejournal.com]

Okay, somebody's touchy. Do you mind if I ask just where these 'issues' come from?

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

Right. Lily didn't know whether to laugh or simply back away slowly. She settled for smiling and holding out her hand in greeting. "I'm Lily," she said. "And I'm afraid I don't have any use for your bribes. Do you know where you'd like to be Sorted, anyway?"

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

Jaime raised an eyebrow at the outstretched hand, and chuckled "Jaime Lannister." He extended his stump partly mocking himself.

"I've been told Slytherin would suit me. I have no idea what that means, or whether it's an insult, but frankly, I'm don't really give a damn either way."

[lilypotter60.livejournal.com]

The stump didn't cause Lily to do anything but gently wrap her fingers around it and shake it, just as she would a hand. "Pleasure to meet you, then, Jamie," she grinned. "Slytherin is...well," she laughed ruefully and shrugged, "it's where my son and my best mate are, so I suppose, no, it's not an insult. At least, not any longer."

Her wand arched gracefully and Lily conjured up a tea tray. Pouring two mugs, she asked, "Cuppa?", before picking up her own cup and taking a drink. "Slytherin is one of the four Houses. Gryffindor for the brave, Hufflepuff for the loyal, Ravenclaw for the intelligent, and Slytherin for the cunning. I was in Gryffindor the first time; Ravenclaw for me this time 'round. If you really don't care, I suppose Slytherin would suit you fine. Although," she smirked a little, "Ravenclaw does have a bar, which seems to attract some people's preference."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

I don't believe I need an army, but I might be interested in some gold. However, I'm also intrigued by your offer of an oath. Exactly what are you offering to swear to?

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

"I've sworn several oaths. But mostly I was intending on paying for the sorting with a favour. A Lannister pays his debts, and though disowned, I am still a Lannister in that regard. Any other oaths I might swear would be to do with protecting others, and at the moment the very idea of me protecting anyone is laughable."

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

What kinds of favors might you offer?

vote: Slytherin

[ugly-old-hat.livejournal.com]

You won't forget our little chat, now?

Your bribe has been accepted!

Welcome to Slytherin!

Re: vote: Slytherin

[jaime-lackhand.livejournal.com]

"A Lannister always pays his debts. I will pay mine, should the time come."