Repairwork
Oct. 25th, 2006 06:34 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png)
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((Like Cox's apology pony to Lily, backdated to a couple of days after Potions class and the strip-poker aftermath))
It had been a good few years since Sirius had spent the night in the Shrieking Shack. He had taken up a sort of sporadic residence there during the year he had been living in the Forbidden Forest and hunting Peter. Most of the time, he had slept in the Forest, but on some of the colder, wetter nights, he had taken up refuge in the Shrieking Shack, typically with Crookshanks's help. Contrary tofanon popular belief, on the other hand, Sirius hadn't spent nights in there with Remus before or after the full moon when they were teenagers. First of all, there was nothing romantic or sexual about that place, and second, although deranged slasher fangirls might think otherwise, Remus was not at all horny before or after his transformation. Nothing says sex like horrible pain due to the rearrangement of one's entire bone structure, right? WRONG.
But the Shack was nothing if not secluded, and as such, it was the perfect place for contemplation, solitude, and champion-scale liver pickling. In other words, after the mess that Potions class and strip poker had turned into, Sirius went there to think and drink - mostly the latter.
What the hell had happened with himself, Cox, and Lily? The only clear, resounding fact was that he had somehow managed to anger the both of them. Truth be told, he was pretty angry at himself as well. Whatever Cox and Lily had going was none of his business, and it shouldn't have been bothering him. He hated overprotectiveness and jealousy, and yet he had been feeling both in, well, spades from the moment Cox and Lily had kissed and made up, and for no good reason as far as he could tell.
Was it the James thing? Sirius wasn't really sure. Part of him still held onto the hope that one day he'd go into the Sorting Room and there would be James, his James. And when that happened, he knew how crushed James would be to find out Lily had moved on.
But he also knew that Lily had to move on, that she couldn't sit and wait around for something that might never happen. If she did that, months would turn into years, and years would turn into decades, and what if James never did come? Sirius didn't like thinking about that possibility, but he knew it was there.
If it was the James thing, however, it wasn't entirely the James thing. Something else had gone on there, something that had caused Sirius to feel this horrible, unstoppable wave of jealousy when he saw Lily and Cox being affectionate with each other. It was Sirius's job to console Lily and to make her happy. It was what he had promised James he would do, and it was what he wanted to do, because he loved and cared about Lily.
That still didn't explain the funny way he had felt when she had looked at him, but too much thinking made his head hurt, and he very quickly made short use of the Firewhisky bottle he had brought with him into the Shrieking Shack. After about three quarters of it had gone into his system and about half of that had come back out in a nice pile in the corner, everything was blurry and moving and he passed out on the bed, not aware enough to get under the covers.
He woke sometime in the late morning the next day with a wretched headache and a nasty taste in his mouth. The room smelled of drunk, and after using the loo, he crawled back into the bed, too hungover to attempt getting up for good. The sheets were dusty, but a quick spell cleared most of it off, and he slept again until evening, when he got up, Scourgified the mess he had made in the corner, and dragged himself back to the castle to clean up and get a bite to eat.
The next morning, after the alcohol had all passed through his system and he had got lots of rest, he felt his mind was clearer, and he sat down to write two owls, hoping to repair the bigger mess. He still wasn't sure what had gone on and why it had turned into such a wreck, but at this point the only thing he wanted was for it all to be smoothed over. He could deal with his own problems later, once he worked out what the hell they were in the first place.
Owl to Lily, heavily warded to play the Numa Numa song at ridiculously loud levels to any unintended readers:
Evans,
Are you okay? Still angry? Feeling groovy? Up for a round of poker?
JUST KIDDING.
Anyway, I just wanted to check on you and to apologise for whatever it that made you so angry. I promise I didn't stare at your melons. They're very nice, but I didn't stare.
- Sirius
Owl to Cox, heavily warded to play Daler Mehndi's 'Tunak Tunak Tun' at ridiculously loud levels to any unintended readers:
Perrilicious Perry,
Are we cool now?
- Sirius
It had been a good few years since Sirius had spent the night in the Shrieking Shack. He had taken up a sort of sporadic residence there during the year he had been living in the Forbidden Forest and hunting Peter. Most of the time, he had slept in the Forest, but on some of the colder, wetter nights, he had taken up refuge in the Shrieking Shack, typically with Crookshanks's help. Contrary to
But the Shack was nothing if not secluded, and as such, it was the perfect place for contemplation, solitude, and champion-scale liver pickling. In other words, after the mess that Potions class and strip poker had turned into, Sirius went there to think and drink - mostly the latter.
What the hell had happened with himself, Cox, and Lily? The only clear, resounding fact was that he had somehow managed to anger the both of them. Truth be told, he was pretty angry at himself as well. Whatever Cox and Lily had going was none of his business, and it shouldn't have been bothering him. He hated overprotectiveness and jealousy, and yet he had been feeling both in, well, spades from the moment Cox and Lily had kissed and made up, and for no good reason as far as he could tell.
Was it the James thing? Sirius wasn't really sure. Part of him still held onto the hope that one day he'd go into the Sorting Room and there would be James, his James. And when that happened, he knew how crushed James would be to find out Lily had moved on.
But he also knew that Lily had to move on, that she couldn't sit and wait around for something that might never happen. If she did that, months would turn into years, and years would turn into decades, and what if James never did come? Sirius didn't like thinking about that possibility, but he knew it was there.
If it was the James thing, however, it wasn't entirely the James thing. Something else had gone on there, something that had caused Sirius to feel this horrible, unstoppable wave of jealousy when he saw Lily and Cox being affectionate with each other. It was Sirius's job to console Lily and to make her happy. It was what he had promised James he would do, and it was what he wanted to do, because he loved and cared about Lily.
That still didn't explain the funny way he had felt when she had looked at him, but too much thinking made his head hurt, and he very quickly made short use of the Firewhisky bottle he had brought with him into the Shrieking Shack. After about three quarters of it had gone into his system and about half of that had come back out in a nice pile in the corner, everything was blurry and moving and he passed out on the bed, not aware enough to get under the covers.
He woke sometime in the late morning the next day with a wretched headache and a nasty taste in his mouth. The room smelled of drunk, and after using the loo, he crawled back into the bed, too hungover to attempt getting up for good. The sheets were dusty, but a quick spell cleared most of it off, and he slept again until evening, when he got up, Scourgified the mess he had made in the corner, and dragged himself back to the castle to clean up and get a bite to eat.
The next morning, after the alcohol had all passed through his system and he had got lots of rest, he felt his mind was clearer, and he sat down to write two owls, hoping to repair the bigger mess. He still wasn't sure what had gone on and why it had turned into such a wreck, but at this point the only thing he wanted was for it all to be smoothed over. He could deal with his own problems later, once he worked out what the hell they were in the first place.
Owl to Lily, heavily warded to play the Numa Numa song at ridiculously loud levels to any unintended readers:
Evans,
Are you okay? Still angry? Feeling groovy? Up for a round of poker?
JUST KIDDING.
Anyway, I just wanted to check on you and to apologise for whatever it that made you so angry. I promise I didn't stare at your melons. They're very nice, but I didn't stare.
- Sirius
Owl to Cox, heavily warded to play Daler Mehndi's 'Tunak Tunak Tun' at ridiculously loud levels to any unintended readers:
Are we cool now?
- Sirius
Return duck, heavily warded, charmed to turn to earplugs for anyone else
Date: 2006-10-26 02:27 am (UTC)You're insane.
And, funny, I went away under the impression you had a problem with me. But, look, I'm sick to death of fighting about this with people. Let's just agree that strip poker is not our game and be done with it, yeah?
~ Evans
P.S. And, for the love of Merlin's shiny bollocks, do NOT tell me you think all of this is over my imagining you'd care about my 'melons'.
P.P.S. You know what? Never mind. Just...forget it.
Return duck, heavily warded, charmed to turn to a picture of canteloupes for any unintended reader
Date: 2006-10-26 02:32 am (UTC)I don't have a problem with you. I mean, you can be a bit of a swot, and you're annoying from time to time, but...nope, no problem with you.
So what is our game?
- Sirius
PS Didn't say that. Just didn't want you thinking I'm some cad or something.
PPS
What?Fine.Return duck, heavily warded, charmed to turn to earplugs for anyone else
Date: 2006-10-26 02:46 am (UTC)Could have bloody fooled me.Good to know.I'm thinking Bingo. Everyone kind of keeps to themselves, plus, fun with numbers and letters. Also, it completely revolves around collecting balls, which should serve you with no end of opportunities for inappropriate comments.
~ Evans
P.S. Of course you're a cad. That's why I love you.
P.P.S.
No explanation? Just a half-arsed apology andBrilliant.Re: Return duck, heavily warded, charmed to turn to earplugs for anyone else
Date: 2006-10-26 02:58 am (UTC)Why would you think that?The ball part is enticing, yes, but only you would have fun with numbers and letters. I far prefer Mr Bucket (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/735222.html). It's more of an active game, too, you know? Disturbing, yes, but active, full of balls, and devoid of anything academic.
- Sirius
PS In that case, should I be making a lewd remark right now?
PPS
What do you want me to explain? It's hard to apologise when you don't really know what happened in the first place.Smashing.Return duck, heavily warded, hexed to turn unintended readers' heads into balls
Date: 2006-10-26 03:06 am (UTC)You were acting... Odd. And short with me. And... Merlin, Sirius, I don't know. Let's just forget it.I remember that bloke. Didn't he apply here? Excellent balls on him, as I recall. What about ping pong? Nothing academic, plus you get to paddle things.
~ Evans
P.S. Let me clarify - you're a cad with other people. Not me. How can I laugh and point if it's directed at myself?
P.P.S.
Then why are you bothering to apologize?Excellent.Return duck, heavily warded, hexed to swat unintended readers' arses with a ping-pong paddle
Date: 2006-10-26 03:14 am (UTC)Strange drinks, strange situation. Sorry if I was short with you. I promise I didn't mean to be. I still don't think it's strange for a bloke to go to the loo, though. I mean, imagine how disgusting the floor would be if I didn't do such things.He did apply here. I think he lives in your house. Homsar still speaks fondly of him. I suppose ping-pong is good, too.
- Sirius
PS Your hand does swivel 180 degrees, you know. Okay, bad joke.
PPS
You said my apology was half-arsed, and so I'm saying I'd give you a full-arsed one if I understood what the hell went down in the first place. Do you know what happened?Fantastic.Return duck, heavily warded, charmed to emit the strong smell of b.s. to anyone else
Date: 2006-10-26 03:20 am (UTC)Fine.
~ Evans
Return duck, heavily warded, charmed to emit the lovely stench of Dungbombs to anyone else
From:Return duck, heavily warded, hexed to drop Dungbombs on Sirius' head
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Date: 2006-10-28 08:43 pm (UTC)Lily was the one who had gripped his hand, but he was the one who didn't let go for a moment too long. Then, realising what he was doing, he quickly dropped it - a decision he was very glad for when she started going on about Cox and happiness and relationships and love, because that was just too much for him, it really was. He wanted her to be happy, and he knew he was having a really irrational hangup about that, but for her to love Cox...
...meant a lot of things, and Sirius was really beginning to think he didn't want to know what they were. Part of it was James, to be sure, because as much as he had accepted that it was fair and reasonable for Lily to move on, he also knew that the further things got with Cox, the less retractable they'd be if their James ever came back.
But there was something else, too - a jealousy of sorts, or maybe it was a fear, a fear that the more of Lily Cox got, the less there'd be for Sirius. And right now, perhaps because of everything that had happened with James recently, Sirius wanted as much as he could take. He did want to eat dinner with her every night. He wanted to raise Harry with her - to the extent that Harry needed any more raising. He wanted to be the first person she came to when she needed something, the first person she came to when she was upset or sad, the first person she came to when she was proud or happy.
He wanted to start out his day by her side and to end it the same way, because when he was with her, he felt as if he were bigger than just one person, as if an empty, hollow part of him had been filled. He felt comfortable around her. As much as he had been doing his best to take care of her, she had also taken care of him when he needed it the most, even though it had meant inconvenience on her part, even though he had been an ungrateful, ornery, smelly bastard at times. He had been on his own for so much of his life. It was nice knowing that he wasn't this time. And he was afraid of losing that.
But he had already got himself in trouble with both her and Cox already, and it wasn't an experience he cared to repeat anytime soon. And he was angry with himself for being jealous in the first place; it wasn't like he wanted to be Lily's boyfriend in place of Cox...right?
Oh, for Merlin's sake, of course it wasn't. Even angrier at himself for thinking such a thing, he glowered slightly. "Relationship advice? Yeah, right. Aside from Jim, my only real relationship was with the Dementor outside my cell door, and while I heard he was an excellent kisser, I never cared to try it out for myself. You're the one who was married. I just sleep around, you know?" His tone had a bitter edge to it, and he knew it. Dammit, he needed a distraction.
Luckily, the shinies came through for him again. Setting his cup down, he got up and walked behind Lily. "Here, I'll get them out for you." He reached into her hair and started combing his fingers through it, causing more tiny, sparkly pieces of glitter to come raining down onto Lily's shoulders and the floor.
Her hair was so smooth.
And now she couldn't see his expression, which was slowly relaxing anyway with each light pull through her hair. It was such a lovely, shimmery copper shade, made even more dazzling by the sunlight shining onto the glitter.
But through his bedazzlement, he couldn't help but laugh. "Wow, this is probably the most unmanly moment of my life. I'm combing pink glitter out of your hair. It doesn't get girlier than this."
He really couldn't stay surly for too long around Lily.
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Date: 2006-10-29 01:18 am (UTC)Now, Lily might have been slightly obtuse about some things - specifically things related to herself and the men around her - but she was far from stupid. She also was quite good, really, at being in tune with people she was friends with. Sirius was no exception. It didn't escape Lily's notice that any talk of Cox seemed to cause Sirius to glower and a certain tenseness to seep into him. She just didn't know why.
There was one thought that had passed through her consciousness - imagined and then discarded in the same moment. Perhaps it bore reexamining. After all, Sirius and Cox were close - Lily knew that Sirius was probably easily Cox's best mate at Hogwarts. They had slept together, aided by genderswitching hexed chocolates. Maybe Sirius was jealous of Lily? Maybe he wanted to be with Cox?
And then she was laughing at the absurdity of the thought. Sirius dating Cox, no matter what his gender, was a truly horrifically amusing thought. It must just be the James thing. Cox was, beyond a doubt, extremely different than James in a lot of obvious ways. Perhaps it was just difficult for Sirius, especially in light of everything he'd just gone through with the other James, to see her with someone else. She'd just have to be more sensitive to that. It was odd to think that there was a whole portion of her life that she'd now have to wall off from Sirius; but she'd rather break her wand that purposely hurt him, and so, until she was certain he was more comfortable with the thought of her dating, she'd simply not mention Cox in his presence.
When Sirius began to comb through her hair to get all the annoying glitter out, Lily's eyes closed and a grin worked across her face. "Mmm," she sighed softly in pleasure. "Yes, well, that's what you get. Should have shot something more manly at me. Beer or chicken wings or..." she started to laugh, trying to think of 'manly' items, "or footballs." Opening her eyes briefly, tipping her head back to look up at him, Lily reached a hand up to poke him playfully in the chest. "Made your own bed, Black."
Then, eyes drifting closed once more, Lily leaned into his touch slightly. There really wasn't anything better than having someone play with her hair. Relaxing, she sighed again, lips quirked up in a smile.
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Date: 2006-10-29 08:23 am (UTC)Purposely, he dug his hands further into her hair and then pulled them all the way out to the tips. "And why in Merlin's name would you want me to give you tips about sleeping around? You're not planning to do it anytime soon, are you?"
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Date: 2006-10-29 08:30 am (UTC)She laughed again, her own hand reaching up to tuck some of her hair back behind her ears. "I might be," she said, teasing. "Why? You volunteering?"
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Date: 2006-10-29 09:22 am (UTC)all up onsall over that in, like, third year."He went back to lightly raking his fingers through the length of her hair, watching the glitter as it fell off the ends. "Am I volunteering to have random casual sex with you?" Something squirmed inside Sirius's stomach, and he picked up the pace of his hair combing. He thought about mentioning that he had no desire to be beaten to within an inch of his life, and so therefore the answer was a strong, resounding NO, but then he realised it was best to stick with the joking. "I highly doubt you could stand up to the likes of me, and...oh, nooooo, I can see where this is going. You wanna play that game (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/943617.html?thread=46661121#t46661121) again, do you? I thought we had already been through this before. You won (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/943617.html?thread=46724865#t46724865<). It wasn't fair and square, what with that whole ear thing, but...you won. You can't possibly be seeking a rematch."
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Date: 2006-11-16 04:22 am (UTC)Sirius had been on the verge of assuring Lily just how far away from her his bollocks would indeed stay when she had to go and remind him of certain incidents that had taken place long ago after too much alcohol had been imbibed and too few clothes had been worn (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/676074.html?thread=32925674#t32925674).
"Never going to let me live that one down, are you?" he muttered instead, feeling warmth radiating across his entire face from his cheeks to his ears. What made things even worse was the realisation that, to Lily, the incident had happened only five or six years before, so it was probably still fairly fresh in her mind. Brilliant. For some reason, she was the one person who had managed to turn the situation from hilarious to embarrassing. Oh, it was still rather funny, but the thought of Lily catching him like that - Sirius could barely bring himself to imagine it without wanting to go find James's Invisibility Cloak and throw it over his head. After all, it was Lily.
As Lily settled against him, Sirius had to fight a completely different urge, however. Maybe it was his usual longing for physical contact, something that had no doubt been intensified by his decade and a half of solitude and loneliness, or maybe it was just Lily's light, clean scent, but with her leaning on him like that, it was all he could do not to wrap his arms around her and pull her even closer. But while he expected James would be glad to know Sirius was taking good care of his wife in his absence, he didn't think James would appreciate the sight of his best friend holding his wife that closely...breathing in the fragrance of her hair...maybe touching his lips gently to her neck...several times...even if Sirius's intentions were completely noble and platonic...which Sirius was starting to doubt himself. And those were suspicions Sirius was not cool with. Anyway, they made no sense - it was Lily.
Concluding that it was the smell of her shampoo that was causing this effect, Sirius took one last heady whiff and then forced himself to keep talking, to explain his feelings about her and about James, one hand resting very lightly on her shoulder and the other draped across the back of the chair.
It was weird hearing Lily's interpretation of Sirius as he had been in his teenage years. Only a few short months before, he would have given anything to return to those days, anything to have James back, to go marauding on full-moon nights, to play pranks and laugh and...and forget about how everything had changed, how everyone's hopes and wishes were destroyed after one fateful decision and three flashes of green light.
But now, after having had his dream come true, Sirius realised it hadn't been everything he had wanted after all. Even if James had been the right James, his James, it wouldn't have been perfect. A decade and a half of life just couldn't be tossed aside and forgotten. Sirius had been trying to do that at times, and it had nearly cost him the one person in the world (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/595056.html?thread=28505456#t28505456) who meant the most to him (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/873563.html?thread=44003931#t44003931): Harry. There was no going back; there was only moving forward.
((Continued...))
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Date: 2006-11-16 04:24 am (UTC)Smiling as Lily messed up his hair (thank Merlin he had taken to washing it regularly again!), Sirius replied, "It was rather unlikely, wasn't it - us being friends? Although in all fairness, I wasn't particularly interested in hexing you, not when there were far bigger pixies to trap." The truth of the matter was that Sirius hadn't really paid much attention to Lily, except when she was in his way - or when James was mooning over her. He had been far too busy goofing around with his little clique, thinking up ways to have fun, to humiliate Slytherins (especially one Snivellus Snape!), and to sneak around and outside of the castle. He did suspect, however, that there were probably more than a few times she had longed to hex him, especially on the many occasions that his and James's antics had cost Gryffindor house points.
He wanted to make a wisecrack about how unlucky he was to be subjected to Lily's nuttiness on a daily basis, but suddenly the moment was more serious than that, and instead he nodded soberly and said softly, "I know I'm lucky." He really did. Lily loved the people Sirius loved - and she had more than proven the same sort of sentiment towards Sirius himself. Her promise that he would never again be alone (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/905496.html?thread=44427544#t44427544), her willingness to take care of him when he was mourning James (http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/905015.html), and her way of making him feel wanted and at ease, of making him smile, of making him feel comfortable and at home, feelings he hadn't known since he had been thrown in Azkaban - all these things, and so much more, were reasons Sirius appreciated Lily's friendship more than words could express.
"I know," he repeated.
Lily's comparison of Sirius and Cox was oddly exhilarating. Sirius liked being the one person who understood Lily. It was something he viewed as both a duty to James and a role he wanted to play for himself and for Lily. It was just a position no one else could fill, because no one else, even people from their world, had known them in the same way they knew each other. No one else had faced the same threats, shared the same celebrations, made the same decisions they had. The next closest person was Remus, and he had always been more reserved...and later they had shut him out, fearing he was the spy, the rat. It just felt nice to understand and be understood.
But it was also frustrating that Sirius was the one who knew Lily best, and yet Cox...Cox what? Was her boyfriend? So what? It wasn't as if Sirius envied him that role
, was it?Maybe he just feared that one day Cox would know her better, and that he, Sirius, would only stand to lose from that.Unable to say any of this to Lily, Sirius simply smiled at her and said, "I like hanging out with people less sane than I am. Bit of a confidence boost, it is." Merlin, her smile was lovely. He wondered if Cox found it just as beautiful as he did. He knew James had; James had been very forthright and shameless about his interest in Lily from day one. And the thing was - it was objectively pretty, but more than that, it was because he now knew who Lily was, and that made her even more beautiful to Sirius.
((Continued...)
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Date: 2006-11-16 04:25 am (UTC)Lily's tight hug took Sirius by surprise, and after a second or two, he put his arms around her and hugged her back, one of his hands quickly finding its way into her hair. Talking about James was probably very painful for her, he figured, and he felt a sharp stab of guilt as he thought about how alone she must have felt when she had first arrived back at Hogwarts. She had had to grieve James all by herself, as Sirius had been too busy trying to relieve his past with a person who had turned out not to be his best friend after all, too busy insisting that he was. She had kept it all to herself; every time she had tried to mourn, Sirius had simultaneously comforted her and insisted she was wrong, that James would come around, that everything would return to normal. She had done this all alone, and for a moment Sirius burned with pride at how strong she had been, and ached with regret for his failure to have been there for her in the way she had needed.
Fiercely, he hugged her back. "All right, then," he repeated after her in a whisper, and then he had to smile at her attempt to justify why he needed a partner of sorts. He really didn't think of himself as a good catch as far as serious relationships went. Sex was one thing, and emotional committed relationships another entirely. He had been a sort of drifter for so long, without much in the way of goals or plans. If his own life wasn't stable, then there was no way he could expect - or want - anyone else to share it with him.
And it wasn't as if his 'dating profile' was much to speak of either. In the wizarding world, his name was pretty much dirt, whether it was because he had betrayed the noble and most ancient house of Black or because he had supposedly betrayed the Potters to Voldemort. His best chance was outside the wizarding world, which, in theory, was just fine by him, except that he imagined his life would be very difficult for a Muggle to truly understand at this point, and all the things that had happened, all the people he cared about - they couldn't just conveniently be ignored for a nice house in the suburbs, a white picket fence, and a job selling drills or something. Whomever he was with, that person would have to understand the Order and Voldemort, Harry and Lily, Azkaban and the Dementors...James and Peter. And that was to say nothing of the existence of magic in the first place. It was a lot to expect, and while Jim had actually done quite well with it all (Jim had been quite a flexible guy, physically and mentally), while he had accepted all of these things about Sirius, he hadn't been able to understand them the way Sirius had ultimately needed him to. Plus, he had had no intentions of moving back to Scotland with Sirius, and in Sirius's mind, there had never been any question of his going to find Harry at Hogwarts.
Of course, there was always Homsar, but Sirius knew he'd never commit - Jenga was as far as he'd take any partnership - and anyway, Sirius really had a hard time understanding his bizarre speech patterns.
On top of all of that, Sirius was under no delusions about the physical toll Azkaban had taken on him. He knew he was too thin. He knew he was prematurely aged. He knew he didn't have a 'movie star smile' any more, that there was something haunted and hollow about his eyes. And he knew his mind wasn't entirely right. He was a good friend, maybe - at least he really hoped he was. But a good catch? Maybe once, a long time ago. But not any more.
((Continued...))
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Date: 2006-11-16 04:25 am (UTC)But arguing with Lily was often a waste of breath. So instead, Sirius shrugged and said mildly, "I am happy."
Was he? In some ways, yes, absolutely. He was back with Harry, looking after him as best he could, even though Harry didn't really need much looking after any more. He had Lily and Remus. He had met a number of new friends whose company he genuinely enjoyed. Not knowing of anything else he could be doing with his life, he liked being at Hogwarts. Of course, James was still gone, and so there was still this empty ache in Sirius's chest, and in that sense, he reckoned he'd never be entirely happy. And he couldn't see how having a partner would change that.
"Anyway, I can talk and laugh with you and Remus, and - " his tone turned flippant " - somehow the two of you seem to harbour delusions that I'm not too bad a bloke."
He grinned at her and then stood up. "You tire me out, Evans. I feel like I've been dodging Bludgers for hours. Food would be great. Shall we?"
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Date: 2006-11-18 09:15 am (UTC)Maybe it was the fact that she had come so close to losing everything. Or maybe it was because Sirius truly was one of her only remaining links to the person she was before, to the life she had lead. Or, possibly, it was just because she was so sodding comfortable around him. Whatever the reason, Lily counted moments like these - just the two of them, teasing and laughing and talking, his hand on her shoulder or his face lit up with a smile - as some of her favourite times.
And he did understand her. Her hug, her brief words - Lily knew with an unshakable certainty that Sirius got what she couldn't say. It was a result of what they'd had before and the way their relationship had deepened since she'd come back.
Before, they'd been classmates and then friends. He'd been just some bloke she knew about, who annoyed her, who hung out with the boy who wouldn't take no for an answer. For most of school, Sirius had aggravated her to no end - when she could be bothered to notice him at all. He had most assuredly not been her type and he had embodied so much that had rankled her all-too-quick temper, therefore, to a teenage girl, he was either the victim of her sharp tongue or her disinterest. Then, once she'd begun to warm to James, she'd also begun to see Sirius as more than just an arrogant berk with a ego the size of the Whomping Willow. He was also loyal and witty and could make her laugh. So many of the things she fell in love with in James she saw mirrored in some ways in his best mate. Which stood to reason.
After school, Sirius had been a mate. Her husband's best, which afforded her a certain standing, a quasi-automatic in, and to Lily he'd been a brother, a friend, a member of her adopted family. A man she trusted when trust was a precious commodity. As James' wife, she'd also gotten to know him in a way she wouldn't have if she'd simply been another member of the Order. Sirius shared a piece of James that Lily couldn't touch - much as she'd had a part of James that Sirius, in turn, was excluded from. To love James was, truly, to love Sirius, and Lily had, fiercely and completely. At first because of James, of course. But, in the end, it was because of the man Sirius had grown into, because of the way Sirius cared, because of how he protected and fought for and gave himself up to a cause he could have easily walked away from.
Lily fought because she had to. Because it wasn't an abstract concept that Voldemort was railing against - it was her. People like her. It was her blood that he reckoned too dirty to be allowed, her life that he considered to be less worthy than his. But Sirius - much like James - came from a pure blooded family. The noble and most ancient house of Black. He could have - he should have - joined the ranks of the Death Eaters, protecting his family's legacy. Or, at the very least, he could have sat quietly to the side and pretended all the nasty business with an ethnic cleansing wasn't happening. Taken a cushy job at the Ministry, added to the family coffers, married himself a pretty Witch, had a few sprogs, and been very happily blissful of any of the horrible things that were going on around him. Lily was achingly aware of the life that Sirius had given up because he decided that Muggle-born Wizards were - she was - just as deserving of life as those with pure blood. Those like him. That the innocent Muggles weren't playthings for Wizarding-kind, to use or discard as they desired.
It took an extremely special type of man to chuck away everything your family had stood for for generations to attach yourself to a Wizard everyone - even those who fought under him - considered just a wee bit off. To take your best mate's wife on as your own friend, as someone you'd live and die for. To accept their son as your own. To give up everything, and to be so willing to do so, just for the chance that these people you loved might have some measure of safety.
((*gasp* Two posts!))
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Date: 2006-11-18 09:18 am (UTC)When Lily died, Sirius had been her son's godfather, which was about the highest regard she could have given someone. She had literally placed everything she loved in Sirius' hands and had never lost sleep over the matter; knowing, with an unbreakable faith, that Sirius would literally go to the ends of the earth for James or Harry. The two people who mattered most to her were also the two people who Sirius counted as most important to him. He'd been her husband's best mate. Someone she fought alongside, was willing to give her life for. He'd been her friend, too, in the end. Sirius had known her in a way that few outside of James ever had, and he had accepted her in spite of that. She had known him, too, as a brother and a comrade and a man she respected and admired.
Now, though, somehow, they'd become closer, still. So completely had he insinuated himself in her life that Lily could scarcely point out where it had started, where the line between 'friend' and 'best mate' had blurred and, finally, disappeared.
From the first moments she’d arrived, Sirius had been the one steadying thing in her new life. (”http://community.livejournal.com/hogwarts_hocus/959971.html”) When everything else was changed and off-kilter and confusing, Sirius had stood beside her and helped her find her balance. Through all of the grieving and the
emomourning and the desperate attempts to figure out how she was supposed to act in this second chance, Lily had come to rely more and more on Sirius to ground her.He was the one person, really, who could make her smile in spite of everything. Who knew her well enough to read her moods, to poke her out of her foul tempers, to understand when she needed to rant or shout or just be held. And it was because of that that somewhere along the way, he’d become the most important person in her world, after Harry. He’d become the first person she wanted to share good news with and the one person she always knew would support her through the bad. He helped raise her son when she’d been unable to. Throughout the months Lily had been back at Hogwarts, Sirius had become an intrinsic part of her life; so much so that Lily could now not see a future without him.
Sirius was her best mate. That was a classification she’d given to only a handful in her life. Taking people into her life was a simple process for Lily. Letting them into her ‘family’, however, was tougher. And the step from family to someone that Lily couldn’t live without? Well, that was a level of trust that she didn’t open herself up to often. In the way that she’d come to know and love Sirius since her return, he’d woven himself into her heart and her life; and now Lily honestly counted him as her dearest friend.
She loved Perry. Beyond the sex and the snogging and the happy butterflies she got when he touched her, Lily loved him as a friend. As a man she trusted and adored and admired. But she knew, on some level, that there was a very real chance he’d never know her the way Sirius did. Because there were some things you could only understand by living through; some places you could only really fathom if you’d been there.
When Lily looked at Sirius, she didn’t see the aftermath of Azkaban. She didn’t see haunted eyes or a gaunt frame. She saw a man she loved as her own flesh and blood. She saw someone whose heart was so open and fiercely brave and enormously loyal that it literally took her breath away. When Sirius smiled it made so much about Lily smile with him. And that was why she absolutely did not understand why he’d not think himself worthy of finding someone to share his life with.
((Can't count, cause, apparently, there are three! To be continued...))
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Date: 2006-11-18 09:19 am (UTC)“Good,” she replied, eyes soft. “You should be happy. You should be deliriously so. And if you’re not, well, then...” she grinned, cheekily, “I guess we’ll just have to figure out a way to get you there, yeah?” She wrinkled her nose at him. “It’s not delusions. It’s spell-damage. Permanent, sadly. One too many hexes at our heads. We'll never get over thinking you're a stand-up bloke.” Teasingly sober, she shook said head sadly. “Totally mucked with our brains, it did. Sad cases, the both of us.”
She stood when he did and looped her arm through his. “I tire you out? You exhaust me, Black. But, just because I am a generous and kind person, I shall let you buy me dinner to make up for it.” Lily’s eyes sparkled as she looked up at him. “You can thank me later.”
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Date: 2006-10-26 02:30 am (UTC)No?
-Perry
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Date: 2006-10-26 02:39 am (UTC)Okay, so...
I know I'll live to regret asking this, but...care to elaborate?- Sirius
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Date: 2006-10-26 02:44 am (UTC)I'm pretty sure I should be the one asking you that.
Look, just watch it with Lily.
-Perry
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Date: 2006-10-26 02:54 am (UTC)Alcohol + strip poker + people already in bad moods = volatile situation, perhaps? I don't know, man. That was a whole bunch of weirdness, but if I did something to offend you, I'm sorry.
I swear I wasn't ogling her chest. Lily would be the last person I'd treat disrespectfully.
- Sirius
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Date: 2006-10-26 03:29 am (UTC)Just... tell me. Is this still a James thing? I get it, if it is.
If not, I'd just love to know why my dating Lily is still such a problem for you.
-Perry
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Date: 2006-10-26 03:36 am (UTC)It's not a problem for me. Just took some getting used to. I'm fine.
- Sirius
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